Ugggghhhh,,,I must be out of my mind!!!

Hinaj

or I am PMSinng but I just got into an argument with FI.    Dammitt!!!  I don't even know how it became an argument!!!  I am pissed and him and me!!!  So he was telling me that he talked to his mom and she was telling him that she talked to me etc etc a week earlier and she tells him...Well I thought you told me that you won't be getting married until she is a doctor!!  and He goes and said, well do you see me married to her yet?? 

Of course, I have been looking at alternative dates since we won't be able to do 101/11 and the only dates I can think of was 6/16/2012 (my bday) or 3/23/13 (Our 12 year anniversary).  Of course I like our annviersary date better and I was thinking 2013.  Plenty of time to go. So I asked him, did he just say that to his mom becasue he doesn't want get into it wither or is he actually serious?

I have no immediate plans for applying to medical school and its still probably going to be 3-4 years before I do.  Well one thing led to another and he suggested 2016, while he says he was kidding, I don't know it really seemed like that is what he wanted. 

We have discussed this before and decided waiting too long is pointless till after I am done with school and all and we can do all of those things while we are married.  So I asked him  why he wants to wait and if it is really important and worth waiting for, then I will wait?  What's another couple of years and he says that he needs more time to save money!!!

I was so peeved  to hear that!!! Money!!!  I get it that it is good to be financially stable but I don't know what he is looking for!!!  Both of us are saving for a house, which is right on track, for the wedding which is going well, and I even saved enough money for a decent down payment on a car for him becasue I promised him that for his Bday when his car is going to start dying (The car is dying, it can't survive another Chicago winter).  I am working full time, so is he.  While I don't make as much as I should, its pretty decent and my boss already has been hinting at a promotion come August.  Student loans are being paid, etc etc.  I am thinking we have it pretty decent and are right on track with our goals. 

I know that it will be just one person working when I start medical school, but I mean we plan on putting more than enough to cover us in an emergeny.  So why do we need more money and why can't we just keep saving and how is the wedding going to ruin his whole saving more money...What am I missing here? 

So we weren't really arguing or fighting but there is definitely tension now.  Then in the end, he says I guess I see no good reason why we can't get married in 2013, but now I feel like I just forced him into something that he doesn't want to do and I told him that and I just couldn't talk to him anymore after that because I really wasn't sure what to say.

He called after a little while later, to apologize and that he really wasn't to make me mad on my bday and that if I was mad at him.......I told him no I wasn't but I really didn't have anything else to say in that conversation.  Oh, he also called to check if I was crying or not. 

Sorry ladies it was so long but I thought I knew where both of us stood on the issue but now I feel like he wants to wait longer and I am the one who is forcing him to do it early.  I don't want to be doing that, but I feel like I already did it wthout realizing.  I just needed to vent so badly!!!  I don't even know what to say to him!! 

Bhanu&Anuj

Hey Hina

Aww girl....it sounds like a bit of mis communication.

I think after you both take a few moments calm down and breath ... you guys can talk about the timing or when you both want to tie the knot. 

When you guys can seriously decide on a date you can work towards it...  I think that will really help make you more comfy...I think as girls we like to know where things are going...and since you guys have beeen together for a very long time, its only natural to want to take it to the next level of committment.

Just take a breathier and then have a talk with him...just be honest about how you feel tell him how much he means to you and go from there.


*hug*

Hinaj

Thanks, I needed to hear that!!!!  I feel like he is waiting for this perfect time where everything as its suppose to be and no worries and then we will get married and I have told him this before and he agrees with me on this that there will always be something going on and there never will be just a perfect time, it is whatever he and I decide to be.  Also, why not just tell his Mom that we will get married whenever we want regardless of what I am doing...I have a bad feeling this comment of his is going to come bite both of us in the a**.

raangoli

Oh no! Sounds like what Bhanu said - a miscommunication. I think you're probably just frustrated and it's hard to hear that something you are looking so forward to is in danger of being pushed even farther away.

I can see what your FI means when it comes to wanting to save money, once you start planning things out things start costing a lot more than you had planned and it gets tight. But that doesn't mean that you have to push the date back, just make the best decisions within the budget you have allotted. I am sure you both have already talked about this, but it might be a good opportunity to level set about how the money should be spent for your wedding and otherwise and just how much you need.

Just take some time to take a breath and then maybe go back to the conversation. Like you said, you have nothing more to say on the topic today/now, but maybe in a few days revisit it and see how it goes. Maybe it means having a smaller, simpler wedding sooner rather than waiting (if thats his reason for waiting:  to save money.) The main thing is that you marry your best friend on that day, not how much things cost.

For today, just enjoy your birthday

Hinaj

I am thinking, I am going to put this topic aside until he is actually back from work in a couple of months.  For whatever reason, I just don't feel like no broaching the subject right now.  I am very quick tempered so I just don't want to say anything I might regret later over such a small issue. 

Oh I also forgot to tell you guys that his older sister hasn't married yet and its one of his reasons for waiting.  From my point of view, its aleady been 10 years since we have been together and she knew about it and whenever the topic of her marriage came up, I always told her she should take her time, but I always thought that by the time we actually decide to get married, she would have long been married by now. 

Both of our families are big stickers for the oldest getting married first before younger siblings do.  I am the oldest in my family.  As much as I can appreciate the custom of these things, I am finally coming to realize that her sister might not have any plans to get married any time soon, even though there is a guy she is interested in.  Its always in six months, in a year, next summer for the last two, sometimes its I am not sure if he is the one.  It scares me sometimes that I might have to wait 4-5 years before she makes up her mind or there is a good possibility that she will get married before me anywayz. 

All these things that were problems before, I really didn't mind it.  I had school, my career, etc to figure out, so I never thought we would really have anything to worry about by the time we got married. 

Seriously, budget wise we have been as realistic as possible and both of us have sat down and done the budget with a guest list including from the parents as well so we won't be shocked later on.  I have even padded the budget after I did the post about how far out did everyone else go out of their original budget.  I am sure even if we are over the budget, there will be places to cut corners in. 

He is just waiting for this perfect situation to arrive, but that is never going to happen, how do I explain that to him that we can work with what we have and its more than plenty? 

trueleo818

Hina,

I agree with Bhanu, it's just all miscommunication. When you guys see each other for the trip, talk to him more about it and fully understand where you both are coming from. Let him hear your side and you listen to his. As for mama, it shouldn't matter when you become a doctor for it to be good timing for you guys to get married. Oo, that grammar is incorrect but yeah.. hope you get it. lol.

I think the anniversary date is a cute idea. but 2016?! whoooaa.

SonaliPop

Of course it's a miscommunication, and also, maybe because you are so on track with things (which I applaud you for!), you are a little tired, as well. At the end of the day, you want to marry him and be his wife and move on with your life. I totally understand how you feel - a lot more of my 'life' (jobs / more schooling) is on hold as is any proposal and it really bugs us sometimes. I think you both need to talk once you've had a bit more time to just relax and chalk it up as a miscommunication. Enjoy your birthday, don't stress. Maybe, talk about this tomorrow and enjoy the rest of your birthday.

And it's perfectly understandable. Wedding talk stirs up all sorts of issues!

raangoli

There is never going to be a "perfect" time to do anything. You and your FI have to choose what is best for both of you. We had a similiar sort of issue trying to figure out a date for our wedding. Some months had way too many other things going on, some were just bad for other, more personal reasons. But in the end we chose a date and explained to our respective families how we arrived at it and it worked out.

I think you are right to maybe hold off on talking about it again until you and your FI can be together to discuss. Some conversations are better in person rather than over the phone.

You're way ahead of the game it sounds like with your planning and budgeting, etc so I can see how you would get frustrated!

Hang in there, just know that when it happens, it will be as wonderful as you hoped it would be

jnsaini

Hi Hina
I can relate to you, FI didnt want to get married till next yr when he is done and partly I agree with him too it would have been great, but my parents gave me a ultimatium and felt I had to talk to him to explain that. I felt just like how you feel like I was pushing the situation onto him but I told him I agree with him that its great to be very stable and then get married but I also explained to him we will work on it together and I will contribute more since he cant right now...and we can recover from the finances by the end of the yr. His concern was applications for fellowship and traveling for them and the costs will add up this yr, so I explained that when you are husband and wife one persons costs are the others too, you can rely on one another and I will help him out.
I think when you see your FI in person talk to him then, things get miscommunicated on the phone. These type of topics are better discussed in person and dont jump the gun on what he believes or thinks..give him a chance to explain