Freaking Out!!! (long, sorry!)

HisBelovedOne

I came across a post on dream weddings today. And it got me thinking. I wasn't one of those girls who spent half her childhood planning her wedding. I never had a "dream" wedding complete with details. Details largely depend on the couple, I think. But I *did* always have some basic ideas. I've always wanted something simple, elegant but understated, romantic, and intimate. Classy but colorful (jewel tones and peacock colors). I want to wear emerald green because I look best in that color. FI looks best in white, so I'd love that for him. Ideally, the venue would be a local park with our closest friends and family, under 150 people. Three-tiered cake in coordinating colors with the wedding. Simple but tasty food. Live string quartet or single acoustic guitar for the ceremony, and standards, romantic classics, and fun music for the reception. No garter/bouquet toss or stupid line  or "group participation" dances. And NO cake-smashing because I find it trashy.

However. FI recently told me that he wanted a bigger wedding. And today he announced that he had been dreaming of his wedding since he was a kid. He wants this elaborate to-do with 400 people, 4 days of parties, heavily embroidered outfits, bright colors, lots of flowers, music and dancing. Like every other Indian wedding he attended growing up. Beautiful, but expensive and complicated. Oh, and YES to cake-smashing because it's "fun."

Um.... WHERE THE H*LL WAS THIS A YEAR AGO WHEN WE STARTED PLANNING?!?!?!? And why did he tell me to plan whatever I wanted to plan, and whatever made me happy, and go along with all the simple plans I was coming up with? Every SINGLE time I asked for his honest input, it was,"Whatever makes you happy, love," when all along he's wanted this huge week-long $50,000 party!

The whole prospect of such a big wedding gives me the bad kind of heart palpitations and I've said more than once that I'd rather spend $125 and just go to the courthouse. He doesn't want to elope. He wants to do it "right," and apparently "right" means some enormous shindig with everyone he's ever known and then some.

I'm just having a bit of a panic attack and I'm SO close to telling him fluff it all, HE can plan it.

In addition, there are moving issues. His little brother hates the prospect of having with me and Kidlet in the house so much that he started blabbering about it to the extended family, and now FI's parents have changed the whole plan. Now they're finding a two-bedroom apartment up in Hernando, and they plan to help us out with a two-bedroom apartment down here. And they don't want me to move in because apparently the extended family is freaking out that they were going to move me in before we were married (which we can fix, with a trip to the courthouse and $125!). FI isn't having that, though, and is insisting that I move in as planned on July 26th. So there's that whole mess.

And all my usual stress-relief stuff is over at his house because a week ago he insisted that I start moving stuff over. I moved over things I only use every few weeks (my violin, my beading supplies, and my drawing supplies). Didn't realize how much I use those things when I'm stressing out, so I'm sitting here having a mild panic attack and unable to squash it with my usual methods. Maybe after Kidlet goes to sleep I can work on the embroidery project in my sewing box - the only craft thing I didn't take over there yet!

SonaliPop

Take a deep breath, dear.

First, he is wrong. You have asked him repeatedly and have decided, with his lack of response as a constant, that you are going to get things planned. This is the direction it is going in, and the last thing you want is the polar opposite. One, because it is not what you want, two because it is unrealistic, and three, because it is not fair.

You need to talk to him about this. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you are married. Have you told him how you feel about his wanting to change plans? Remind him that behind the facade of heavily beaded outfits and wedding costs is a marriage and a commitment between two people - the thing you are most looking forward to. Is he really going to care ten years down the road that he didn't have those little (expensive) details? I know you won't.

You both need to have a frank discussion. Maybe his family has kind of brought this up to him? If a guy REALLY thinks about things his whole life, doesn't he voice it from day one?

I hear your frustration. It seems like it is piling up.

As for living together, make the decision yourselves. His extended family have their own fish to fry and their own children making decisions. So, make yours.

Stick to your guns, sister.

Hinaj

Relaxe Beloved!! Breathe, everything will work out.  I know the everything seems to be going wrong right now but it will get better. 

I am going to disagree with Sonali here and say that he is technically not wrong.  He has every right to have his own ideas for his own wedding.  He was wrong in not letting you know earlier, but lets just say he's a guy.  You don't know how many time my FI has done it.  He will say its up to you babe, whatever you like, but then a week later have a completely different idea and that we should be doing this.  It must be a guy thing, as much as he says he wants to leave everything up to me, he just can't help himself.  Its true a year of thinking and planning something he doesn't want is def. frustrating, but maybe he had his own reason for not sharing the fact.  IDk. 

All I can say is that its his wedding too, and it has to be about both of you. I would say Compromise with each other since you guys are at either end of the spectrum on the type of wedding you want, see what is your priority and that you have to have and while his.  For example, the 400 people really freak you out, so maybe have a shorter guestlist and since he wants to have a weeklong celebration, so maybe stretch that out to a weekend.   You guys will have to both work on this very hard and especially if the budget is limited, but it is still doable. 

It doesn't have to be about how expensive the wedding is, it could be just as nice on a limited budget, but I think what he is looking for is the feel of an Indian wedding, per se not all the expensive details that go along with this.  Guys are wierd this way, I think when he said that he is been thinking about this as a boy, I think he meant that he had an idea, I don't think he means it like the girls think about their wedding.  My FI had ideas for his wedding that he has had since as a kid but I didn't know them till now and we have been together close to a decade.  Guys just don't think like we do with planning etc etc. 

Just sit down and talk to him without being angry at him, because I know your frustrated with the situation, but if that is what he really truly wants, you both have to compromise with each other.  I know personally one of the reason we waited to get married was because the of the cost of the wedding, because we both wanted certain things in the wedding and we decided that we would have one like that, because I didn't want to look back on my wedding day and think if it was only like this or that, I want to have no regrets that I should have done this or that. 

I know everyone says that just all that matters is that you are married at the end of the day, but really I already know that I have the perfect guy and we are both committed to each other and a marriage license is not going to change that, but rather just make it legally official.  A wedding is just the way you invite your family members and friends to celebrate your love for each other and you guys just have two different ideas.  Believe me, we could have had a court marriage a couple years back, but it was something neither of us thought to do and it wasn't right for us.    So talk and compromise with each other.  Why is all of a sudden a big wedding important to him? 

Really, if he is just doing it for his family, then find out why it is so important to him to do this for his family, maybe the answer will reveal something.  But def. talk talk talk away. 

raangoli

Wow he came out of left field with this, didn't he? I can see how you would be shocked and surprised and possibly a little bit angry.

I agree with Hina that he's not wrong to want what he wants, he is wrong for not voicing this earlier. I'd want to know where his ideas where when you first started planning this and if his family has anything to do with this all?

Second, I think that the key here is compromise. You want the polar opposite of what he wants, but there are some commonalities. What if he cut his list down to 200 and you met him there? What if you did the other days of celebrations but at a lower key? For example, my mendhi "party" will be at my parents house and my family will be there, with some food. It's still a party, there's still mendhi, but we're not going to rent another banquet hall for it and it will be simple and small.

Weddings are big, fancy parties to celebrate the love and committment you have for one another, but like Sonali and Hina said, there is more behind that "facade" - and that's what makes it work. It's the two of you dealing with situations like this - where you have differing opinions and making it work.

You can still have the outdoor wedding at the park, with the jewel tones, perhaps with a slightly larger guest list. Take it one step at a time and see where you can meet a middle ground.

As for the extended family and their nonsense about you moving in there, well that's their problem, not yours. I do think though that you should sit down with your FI and talk to his brother about what he is concerned about and go from there. Immediate family is what really matters, not those who are on the fringe and but in when it's convenient for them...

Jeff and Deepthi

I agree with the girls I understand why you are upset. It makes complete sense and Jeff kind of did this to me the other day.. No remotely as bad, but the best thing to do it talk to him. Discuss the finances, what's needed, what can be cut and who knows maybe you'll be surprised how much you love the bigger ceremony. You may really enjoy it.

Hope it works out well!

HisBelovedOne

Thanks, ladies. I slept on it and I'm feeling less freaked out now. Mostly, I was shocked and surprised because all of that happened at the same time, and it was all sudden. The moving thing and the wedding thing both disrupting my sense of "this is what's happening and here's how it will work." I don't deal with change really well, but two big things changing drastically at the same time? Oh, no. Does not compute.

FI and I did sit down and talk about it this morning. He says he did  some "mulling it over in [his] head" and has decided that simple will be better for both our budget and my peace of mind. He still wants a lot of people there (I got him to agree to no more than 200), and definitely wants music and dancing and bright colors. And we're going to have do so some talking about that cake-smashing bit (is there a compromise for that?). But a scaled-down, simpler outside backyard or local park wedding, he says, is fine.

Now, about this moving thing. I'm going to move in on the 26th as planned (unless, of course, a tenant is found before then). I've already moved half my things over there and I don't want to move them back over here. And to be honest, the little brother has been known to cause trouble. He's a terrible little twerp. When a friend moved in with them in January, he told the family in NY and NJ that she was pregnant and FI's mom was getting ALL kinds of phone calls. Beyond all that, he treats his family like crap (steals from them, completely disrespects his parents, etc) and if he wasn't already out of high school I'd be suggesting to his parents that they send him of to military school or something. The boy's a troublemaker.

Jeff and Deepthi

I'm glad you guys figured it out! That's great!

Sorry to hear about the brat. Hopefully he'll just stay out of your business!

SonaliPop

No, I think he DOES have a right to his opinion. But he should have mentioned it earlier! It's hard to plan a wedding alone, and doing it all over is the worst thing I can imagine.

Bhanu&Anuj

I'm glad you came to a compromise about this.  I know it's not necessarily in your budget...but I'm sure you'll enjoy your special day however you plan to have it!!!

kpwedkk

Yay, at least you both compromised on this   It's a start of beautiful relationship   Congratulations! And no matter what you do, your marriage day will be happy, joyful, you'll be in another world, and so wil he! Enjoy the moments!!

rajkumari

our culture is fond of large celebrations so its understandable why some families are more tuned in to having such large ceremonies. One of the great things about wedding planning is that it is a good trial on how well a bride and groom can get through a difficult situation and compromise.