South Asian Weddings

Where are these funds coming from?!

I am really stressed right now . . .I just got a new job as well as being in school and we are in the process of purchasing a house. My parents were kind enough to provide us with the funds for a down payment for said house which means FI and I will just have to provide the monthly payments. I am excited about looking but this means the wedding will have to be put on hold for a while.

Fi is half indian and filipino and I am Sri Lankan. Combined we have a decent size family and a fair amount of friends. I was considering keeping it small to keep funds down but now I am just worried about bringing up the topic of wedding funds to my parents. I really feel guilty about asking them for money when they are basicially spending their savings on our first starter home. His parents are strapped with paying for his student loan. I feel that we have not had the time to establish ourselves financially and I really don't know where to begin. I know we can save a decent amount in a few years but it will be hard and I hate to blow it on one day.  

Do you have any advice on how I can either approach them or should I consider paying for it ourselves? Are you guys paying for it yourself or are you having help from parents?

Re: Where are these funds coming from?!

  • edited December 2011
    I was in the same situation my dad said either I can give you the money and you can make a down payment for a new home or I can give you a nice wedding he left the choice to me. Since FI is in another state for another yr I took the wedding, I think I and FI will manage a downpayment a yr down the road. I am starting to save for that right after the wedding is done with. You have the oppossite situation so I suggest if you can stretch the wedding date a bit more far it can work well if you can save during that time but its hard with a new house and all.The needs to buy furniture or what not. I can understand parents can and should only do so much since they need savings for retirement purpose. My parents have done more than enough for the wedding I couldnt turn around and ask for more, and I see how you feel. I think if you and your FI can manage something together and give yourselves some time it will be great...you can opt for a legal (court) marriage for the time being so desi ppl dont give you the WHAT she is living with her FI look without a real marriage
  • edited December 2011
    HAHA! yeah Sri Lankan parents are not as strict and dont really care if we live together. But they keep asking about the wedding and there is all this weird competition that mine has to be better than this other family friends and I really don't care about that. I don't understand it, and I know no matter how much or how little money I spend someone will say something. I've heard a lot of people say they had the option for house or wedding and chose wedding. 

    I think I shouldn't worry about what other people think about the amount of time it takes us to get married right?
  • edited December 2011

    Yes, if its not a issue with the parents no worries!! Let ppl think as they want to..If my parents allotted me time I would have waited another yr by then FI woud have been done with his yr ..you got nothing to worry about, give yourself time to save money that way when you are getting married you will have no extra financial stress and trust me in addition to planning financial stress can really cause issues in relationships
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_funds-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:65acb814-0041-495b-83c3-722ccdcd4f0bPost:4698d54b-3d81-4910-8edb-5f79b1be9983">Re: Where are these funds coming from?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]HAHA! <strong>yeah Sri Lankan parents are not as strict and dont really care if we live together. </strong>But they keep asking about the wedding and there is all this weird competition that mine has to be better than this other family friends and I really don't care about that. I don't understand it, and I know no matter how much or how little money I spend someone will say something. I've heard a lot of people say they had the option for house or wedding and chose wedding.  I think I shouldn't worry about what other people think about the amount of time it takes us to get married right?
    Posted by kingofpop[/QUOTE]

    So true, FI's parents were like "Oh, ok." But at first, his mom was upset and then realized that he's a man now! So it all worked out. In our situation, we're fortunate enough to have inherit a lump some of money that went towards our house and is going towards our wedding. But if we didnt have that inheritancy, my mom told us that she would've paid for the down payment on our house and a few months mortgage until we were stable...then have us pay for the wedding. But im really glad that we're doing it on our own.
  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    :( I'm sorry.

    If we were on the other boards, as I've noticed, someone would have attacked you and called you selfish and told you they did it all on their own...like a big wad of crap.

    Thankfully for you, you're here.

    I would have them go for the wedding payments instead of a home...and focus on paying for it yourself. Give it some time, move into an apartment. Rent. Anything.

    Yes, blowing it on one day seems rough especially knowing you'll wait longer to get married and will be working REALLY hard, but it's worth it. It's all your loved ones in one place on your big day. You don't have to make it an extravagant affair.

    Check out: Stylemepretty.com or weddingobsession.com

    They have GREAT DIY suggestions. Why not focus on a DIY wedding? Something small, just your closet family and friends and push it back a year?

    And you can always ask us. I am trying to think of what else to suggest.

    In the mean time, do not panic.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_funds-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:65acb814-0041-495b-83c3-722ccdcd4f0bPost:47e79295-27c4-4d81-995d-98808379923e">Re: Where are these funds coming from?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]:( I'm sorry. If we were on the other boards, <strong>as I've noticed, someone would have attacked you and called you selfish and told you they did it all on their own</strong>...like a big wad of crap. Thankfully for you, you're here.  And you can always ask us. I am trying to think of what else to suggest. In the mean time, do not panic.
    Posted by SonaliPop[/QUOTE]

    SO TRUE!
    i've been bashed on...on my other board. =(
    but its ok. i have this board to give me true feedback =)
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks you guys, I need to stop worrying. I am willing to push it back as long as I can but I seriously think about all of the things I want. I am an artist so I will be doing a lot of DIY not just for cost but because I find it fun and I will be able to put my own personal touch to things.

    I have been bashed on the boards for other things. South Asian weddings are a little more complex and some people don't understand the importance of holding onto tradition as well as family contributions.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_funds-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:65acb814-0041-495b-83c3-722ccdcd4f0bPost:923dee21-c002-4953-b4e9-1bc8eb963695">Re: Where are these funds coming from?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks you guys, I need to stop worrying. I am willing to push it back as long as I can but I seriously think about all of the things I want. I am an artist so I will be doing a lot of DIY not just for cost but because I find it fun and I will be able to put my own personal touch to things.<strong> I have been bashed on the boards for other things. South Asian weddings are a little more complex and some people don't understand the importance of holding onto tradition as well as family contributions.</strong>
    Posted by kingofpop[/QUOTE]

    My July board, there was a post that just got out of control. it was about trashing or selling the dress. I said that it would be pathetic <strong><u>in my opinion</u></strong> to trash a dress that you wore on your big day. Then some girl came bashing on me...talk about psycho... hahah anyways, you're right, a lot of people don't realize how S.Asian traditions are...
  • edited December 2011
    There's nothing wrong with having your parents help if it's possible - especially not when it's considered normal for the families to contribute something! Our families are in no financial position to help, so we're paying for it all ourselves, saving as we can. I'm even seriously considing taking up some odd jobs for extra cash to save up for it!

    And I agree - some of the people on the other boards are just vicious! This is the only board I ever visit on this website. The other ones just scare me. I spend a lot of time on other wedding planning sites that are less hostile. I don't understand why it is that we can't have differing opinions on things without being attacked or ridiculed. We aren't cookie-cutter people; why should we feel pressed into cookie-cutter weddings?
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  • HinajHinaj member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Kingofpop,

    FI and I are in a different situation with this, we are not asking our parents to help with the finances for the wedding or the house and I know how both would love to offer to pay for a wedding, but I felt very bad about it, and I kept thinking for their retirement, or what if something else happened and we all know Indian weddings are not cheap.  It was our decision to pay for our own wedding, and it also gives us more leeway to do it the way we want it, barring guilt trips. LOL.  So we are both saving for a house and wedding.  But for us, a house is a bigger priority than the wedding, so that is one of the reason we are pushing the wedding back from 2011 so we can have enough time to save for the wedding we want.  I know both of our parents are kind of puzzled by this, but we both are firm about our decision.

    It's great that your parents offered to put the downpayment on your starter home, but I wouldn't ask them for more.  They way I look at it, you can use the money for your wedding or as the downpayment on the house.  It depends on what you really want right now, and your own priority.  I might be biased and lean toward the house right now, because you guys can save and do DIY project and can still have a wedding not far from now. 
  • edited December 2011

    I agree with all you girls a lot of people will bash you especially if you bring up the topic of money. I think some are annoyed that people get help from thier parents.

    We both work and have been working for a little while so we are both pretty established. Jeff has a house and we didn't have to worry about that. My parents had money set aside for my sisters and my wedding so the agreement was that the parents would pay for thier guests and we would pay for ours and all the other little extras. It seem to work out well and I'm low maintance so the wedding won't be too much well according to SA Standards. I do get a little annoyed with people that say my budget to big... It's none of your business

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  • SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Indian weddings are so costly because we have so many functions and customs. People don't understand that when they have a church wedding with the same fixings each time. Not that there is anything wrong with that - I think it's nice, it's just not how we do things.

    Half of the time, I just keep picturing the image of me and him in the water, wearing a long dress with a flower in my hair, with an officiant marrying us in the sea. Then I realize I'd get a beat down or ostracized or something from our families. But, it's a nice image - and a lot of it has to do with the fact that the money isn't an issue there.

    We really want a small wedding and a bigger reception.

    Like some of you, I do not want to have my parents pay for stuff too much. They have a life after me and I do not want to take from their retirement or future. They have dreams, too! Not that I won't be looking after them after we're married. BF is adamant about taking care about family, regardless of the cost. Family is first.

    It's a serious thing to worry about.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_funds-coming?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:65acb814-0041-495b-83c3-722ccdcd4f0bPost:b7e2969d-38e7-4a97-904e-177a07096fa5">Re: Where are these funds coming from?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Where are these funds coming from?! : SO TRUE! i've been bashed on...on my other board. =( but its ok. i have this board to give me true feedback =)
    Posted by trueleo818[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think it offends the American ideals of independence and self-reliance to hear that parents are footing the bill for large weddings or even a down payment on a house. Usually only sheltered, rich American children get this type of help from mommy & daddy, so I can completely understand why you got bashed (not that I'm saying they were at all justified). Family relations are very different in south asian countries in regard to these types of issues, so I wouldn't bring up these type of topics on other boards unless you want very obnoxious, non-SA perspective. </div>
  • HinajHinaj member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Mrs. Khan you said it perfectly!!!  Outside of this board, there are not many who understand the SA culture so they won't be able to give advice more tailored to you and hence the bashing because they are looking at it from their point of view and not how it is like in our culture. 
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