Involving the ILs

Priya490

What parts of the wedding details did you involve your ILs with?  Everything or just certain things like venue, food, decor, and invitations? 

How about your wedding ceremony and reception outfits, did you get your FMIL's opinion before you bought your outfits? 

I get so stressed out sometimes with everyone's opinions and trying to make everyone happy!  We've only booked a few things so far (venue, DJ, photographer, and videographer) but I heard that we need to involve our ILs more.  They were with us for all our venue appointments but we booked the DJ, photographer, and videographer ourselves.  They came with us to our food tastings and we're asking for their thoughts on the menu selections.  And we plan to run the invitations by them before finalizing them.  I was wondering if there was anything else that we should be involving them with, like my wedding outfits and things like centerpieces. 

What did you involve your ILs with?

andamu

My ILs planned the "Indian" events that were part of our wedding (2 pujas, pithi, mendhi night).  My parents and I planned the more traditional "American" wedding that was bookended by Indian things.

For the choli set, sari and punjabi that I wore at various times during the wedding weekend, my ILs and I picked them out together.  I'm still learning what Indian outfits are appropriate when, and how formal different ones are, so I appreciated that.  We also picked out together the jewelry they gave me (mangalsutra + one set).

We also got some feedback from them on the "American" events.  Food was a huge deal with them, so after we booked our venue, we arranged a second tasting so they could sample things and talk to the chef.  They helped us find the DJ, and they strongly advocated for the modified "mandap" we used for the ceremony (it was actually more like a chuppah).  Other that my mom and I picked out the flowers and decor ourselves, and the cake was all H and I.

Oh, and the invitations!  We ordered from India, and we got approval from both sets of parents.  Since our wedding was relatively small (150 people), we sent out only one set of invites, but if it had been bigger, the ILs might have chosen their own.

My ILs saw my dress, but after I had bought it and before it was fitted to me, so when it was crazy big, and they never saw any of the last little details like the veil or my jewelry beforehand.  Mainly because I couldn't show it to my mom in person for like six months, and I needed to show it to someone.

I helped MIL plan some of the Indian events, but that's as much as anything because she's thrilled to have a girl in the family and get some shopping time together. 

mag0737

I'm having difficulty with this as well! My fiance is Indian and his family is more than supportive of us. We are doing the Baraat and Hindu ceremony in the am...after lunch and a break...Christian ceremony in the evening and then reception. We are going to try to do some of the puja's at the MIL's house the weekend before. 

I'm having trouble with my family. We come from a community where everyone grows up and stays ...so they are having some trouble with our marriage. They haven't asked any questions to get involved or what portions they'll need to know for the Indian aspects. Any suggestions?

temurlang

Priya -- it seems like you are really involving your ILs a lot.  Since you say that you "heard" you need to involve them more, this implies something specific has upset them.  What exactly do they feel they've been left out of?

My ILs "planned" our events in India, meaning they demanded we have them, but DH had to do all the work.  They selected a wholly inappropriate invitation which I could not send anyone (I got my own on), and my MIL picked out 2 of my saris.  Well actually, someone gave them as a gift, but she decided I should wear them.  I was worried, but they turned out to be fine.

Priya490

Thanks girls. I think they may want to be more involved in picking the food options, but we ask for their opinion and asked them to join us for the food tastings.  I'm wondering if we need to get their approval on everything.  Should I be getting their approval on my wedding outfits?  FMIL bought me some outfits as a gift when she was in India and she showed me one of them that could possibly be worn for the ceremony.  Its really pretty but at the same time, I also wanted to pick out my ceremony and reception outfits.  Do you think I should just wear the ceremony outfit she got me so that her feelings don't get hurt?  She didn't buy it initially for the ceremony but then when we were talking about it, I got the feeling that she's hoping I wear it there.

Mag - Your parents are probably unclear on what they need to do for Indian weddings but could provide a lot of help for the Christian portions.  Have you talked to them about both portions of the wedding?

mag0737

Priya - I think you're exactly right. FI an I have decided to take the parents to the place we chose next weekend. Hopefully then we can explain our thinking for our wedding day. I'll have to brace myself to hear it from both sides. Hah. 

raangoli

@Priya - do you have a good enough relationship with your FMIL that you could talk to her about how you do like the outfits she's gifted to you, but that you had something else in mind and then show her your ideas? Or maybe compromise in that you can wear one of the outfits she bought for you for one of the other ceremonies?

I know you're trying to do the "right" thing in trying to involve everyone, but just remember that you can't please everyone and to not lose sight of what you want your day to be.