Feeling overwhelmed

SonaliPop

Do any of you feel overwhelmed by life after marriage?

I know the person I am with is a wonderful guy. I love him and I'm happy.

But now that I know that he wants to live with his parents after marriage, I am starting to feel like I don't know enough. He's got a phD and I am still figuring out plans for my  masters. We are at two different places in our lives but we support eachother and I don't feel SO behind...I just am at a cross roads with everything. I'm not sure how I will be able to handle not knowing what kind of career I want or what I want to pursue for a masters while being in a new country and being a newlywed living at home with her Mother in Law, Father in Law, Sister in Law, and husband.

Does anybody else feel like this? I know they don't expect me to be a house maid, don't care if I cook, don't care if I can speak perfect gujarati, but I know that when you get married, there are things you should know to do. We were talking about getting engaged but decided to put things off for a while to focus on our long distance relationship.

I thought maybe I'd move to the UK (where he is) to find a job (I'm a citizen there as well) and work things out while being near him...to clear my head. But that would upset my parents because I know they knew I'd leave some time, they just didn't realize it'd be sometime soon.

I wish I had an older sister sometimes. My friends don't understand because they're not Indian, they don't get the responsibilities even if they ARE Indian (they think you should fight for your way and make yourself heard...without realizing other people are in the picture as well), or are not close to getting married.

I just don't know what to do, how to work my way through all these separate issues. I wrote him a long long email (which we'll talk about later) about these fears about being unprepared and that I need to just have some time before we take that step which I know we'll take some time eventually.

Can I adopt one of you as my sisters? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh, help me.

Need a martini. Does anyone have any thoughts on where to start? Has anyone ever felt this way?

trueleo818

SonaliPop,
I TOTALLY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM!
Don't let it get to you much. Just take it day by day. It's hard being in a long distance relationship and I give you a ton of credit for making it work. I know the fact of you two living with his parents is a lot to take in, and the fact that you're not sure where to go school wise, it gets frustrating. I just got done with my finals and my graduation is next week and then its med school in the fall. Im terrified but anxious at the same time. There are nights where I won't be able to sleep because Im scared of how life's going to be after marriage..or how things are going to play out when im in med school and FI is running his business..questions ponder in my head.. a lot of them.. i worry about whether or not the business will be a success and how im going to survive med school, will i get a job right away once i get my PhD, how far would i have to travel to do my residency?

I FEEL OVERWHELMED TOO!! so you're not the only one.. and if you want to "adopt" one of us, you can definitely take me. Although, I AM NOT INDIAN so that will be the only negative. But other than that, I'm a good listener and will give you the best advice i can give.

and honestly, i feel that i can barely talk to my friends about things because they're not on the same boat as i am . =( so i totally feel your pain

in other words, CHEER UP PLEASE!

SonaliPop

Haha, yes, but you understand what I say...so yeahhhhhhhh...you're adopted.

Things are so stressful. It's 1:35 am and I am still wide awake. He is up by now, probably, in London starting his day. By 3 I am still awake, tossing and turning. I have the craziest dreams.

I feel like I'm going nowhere with my life, that I know nothing. I know I'm smart and resilient, I just don't know what's happening. I envy people who know what path they're taking. Maybe if one thing was figured out out of all of these, I'd feel a bit better.

trueleo818

AWW, IM ADOPTED!  IT'S ONLY10:50 PM HERE. IM ON WEST COAST TIME.

HUNNY, i hearrr yaaa on the stressfulness. I'm trying to do our website right now and things are getting a little bit easier. haha. Lately, i've been having crazy and weird dreams too. I wake up in the middle of the night either screaming or crying. WEIRD!

Don't feel like you're not going anywhere! You just feel like that because you're thinking about a lot and you guys are living a long distance relationship.

Take some time off from the wedding planning and focus on you for a bit. Thats what I did. COME ON "SISTER"! WE'RE GOING TO WORK THINGS OUT!!

Jeff and Deepthi

I know you already have a sister, but since I have two of my own (I'm the middle one) I'll tell you what I would tell my little sister or my older sister would tell me. Breathe!!! This is the best time in your life! I'm not sure how old you are but I'm 26 and I finished two masters and working a job that doesn't appreciate it. I worry about how my job will effect our relationship since he has a great job and he's always pushing me to find something better. I've been looking but just not luck in it. I have the direction just not getting the luck I need. So while once in a while I freak out about it, I just think that there is a reason he's with me and it's not because of my job, it's something better then that. I can always change my job, God-willing I won't change the reason he loves me. Also, remember you are only engaged once and it's good to enjoy that!

I've been in long distance relationships before and they are a pain in the butt!! I think it's great that you can make a distance of US to UK work!! That's just amazing I don't think I could have done that. My older sister lived with the in-laws for over a year when she first got married. While she didn't have to do much she also never felt like they were married and had a life that was just thiers. I understand in our culture sometimes you do have to live with them and if that's the case then ok. But if you guys can live on your own my sister has told me do it! I'm lucky Jeff already has a house that I call Home.

I'm sorry it's long and I hope it helps a little

~Deepthi

Hinaj

Hey Sonali,

I am sorry you are so stressed!!!  I think you can adopt all of us if you like, then you will have a whole group of sisters. LOL.  I am the oldest in my family, and believe me I understand.  My Fi and I have spent majority of our relationship in different states, if not different continents.  He is a merchant officer and he sails for a couple months at a time that I don't get to talk to him, and until recently he was even living in a different state.  So we use to only see each other for the weekends and a couple of days at a time.  It is hard work and definitely requires a lot of time and patience.  I have the same worries as you do, because his mom will also be staying with us.  But in a couple of years I am applying to medical school and we will be married by then and I don't know how this will work out, because I am sure his mom will expect me to be the typical Indian bahu who cooks and cleans.  But medical school is probably not going to allow taht to hapen.

All you can do is take one day at a time, try to figure out what you want to do right now, Have you guys set a date for the wedding?  We did it so it will be before medical school because I just don't want the stress of marriage while I am in school so it had to be before or after and we chose before.  FI is a great help, and he tells me not to worry about it that he understands and we will adjust accordingly to the situation and so will his mom. 

I am sure the same will apply to you, When are you planning on getting married?  Do you have a date? or Do you know what kind of Master you want to pursue or career field you are looking at?  Maybe those question will help you ease your worry.  As to knowing stuff, take your time figuring it out, there is no rush.  Sorry if I am sounding like a big sister here, I am so used to doing this with my younger sibling. 

jnsaini

Hey Sonali

Take a deep breath, and take your worries one at a time, dont think of them all at once, yes it will overwhelm you. I was in your situation 2 yrs ago, I told my parents they will have to just wait till I have my masters and a job..because I felt so odd getting married and being totally dependent on the man (my parents had set me up with a nice guy back then) I dumped the guy after a yr (yes I know mean, and I am not suggesting you do that) I paid for my entire masters classes then found my dream job before I even wrote the thesis, I went for it and now the company I work for will pay 50% to write my thesis..and I am planning on doing that after the wedding stuff is done. During this time, I was sooo overwhelmed that I didnt know which direction to go and what to do, I focused one thing at a time and started applying for jobs that I was interested in. This is to tell you I been where you are at. My suggesstion to you, I think you should look at masters options in London, its the best thing you can do for your relationship and when you are done with your masters, get married following all that. You will feel more happier being closer to him and also having him there as a mentor! I know being away from family sucks, I moved to another state (about 3 hrs away from home) just last sept, and I never been that far from home, but I realized its the best thing for my future. Calm down and first look at your options of masters and then start applying, you will feel much better
Ps
- I could so use a Martini or two myself..this wedding planning is driving me up the wall
hugs
nicky

SonaliPop

I'm not sure what it is I want to do with my masters. I got a degree in English and a minor in Women's Studies and I know I want to work towards helping people, so maybe social services, counseling, public administration, that type of thing...but that is yet to be decided.

As far as a wedding date, we're not even properly engaged. We've been talking about getting engaged (as in him asking the question when I'm ready), and for a while I thought maybe I'd be ready to move forward with things towards the end of this year.

I am going to a career counseling session at my university. I know they can at least help me figure out where to go from here, how to go on, etc.

As far as applying to a masters in England, that may be a good thing...but very expensive. I don't have the money for that. The plan was, he'd pay for it after the wedding and his parents wouldn't bother me with household things...they just wanted me to focus on study. I thought, for now, I'd look into getting a National Insurance number and sort out my health stuff there (all the required paperwork) and then find a job there. My Mom understands and is sad but I haven't told my Dad I am thinking of it. I know they'd understand but be sad. I've never moved so far away and I've never really lived alone. I live with my parents and am stuck with everything in the Midwest where people with phDs are fighting for Starbucks barista positions!

As for living on our own, we'd like to, but that's not possible.

Jeff and Deepthi

Wow sounds like a huge situation you are in there. Well you actually seem to have a lot of it worked out. Once you find out what you want you masters in then you'll be good to go. Listen to the other girls who've done the international dating!!

There are a lot of girls getting their doctorate! I feel kind of stupid now... ;(