Tamil Brahmin + All American Girl = MIL trouble...

las208

Hi, all! I'm a Boston-based, caucasian-American engaged to an American-born Nebraska boy whose parents are both fairly traditional Tamil Brahmin. He's ollllllllld (LOL-he's younger than me at 31) and thoroughly Americanized, so they managed to accept me -- whether because I'm so darn charming or because they're so darn desperate, I don't know. But. BUT. He doesn't want an Indian wedding. He also wants to get married very soon (as do I); he proposed last week and wants it to happen by the beginning of December. That may be too soon for his family, since his grandmother passed away in May.

His parents have gone from eagerly (and often) asking if he has any "news" about us to barely speaking to him and very nearly boycotting the wedding. A few added bonuses -- he's an only son and I'm divorced and can't bring myself to ask my parents for money for a wedding. (His family doesn't know about my divorce).

So...I personally have no objection to an Indian wedding, but in a fight between my FI and his family, I'll take my FI's side on this one. Still, I can see his mother's point of view and bear her no ill will. Is there ANYTHING I can do to help smoothe things over without changing our timeline?

Thank you for any help!
-LA

DFWIndian

Try having him talk to his parents. See if you can add elements of the Indian tradtion into the wedding. Honestly, if she was accepting of you before then just see what the real issue is with her objections to the wedding. Some traditions believe there is a one year morning period for immediate family deaths. It could be that.
I think communication is the best option for ya'll. especially since he is an only child,

MrsBM

I agree with DFWIndian.  Communication is important here. You and your FI shoud sit down and have your thoughts together then have your FI talk to his parents....You can choose to be there for the discussion, but I would let him do the talking. 

...As for the death happening so close...you two may have to compromise and do the wedding next year (earlier in the year as you want it to happen sooner) I dont know the exact technicality around it but I would just plan for next year to be more sensitive to the situation....

Best of luck with this...I'm sure his parents will come around....

kpwedkk

I agree with DFWIndian, and MrsBM,
You need to talk to your FI, and have him talk to his parents in your presence.  Since his grandma passed away in May, you both might have to wait, until after next May 2011 to have a wedding.

There's normally a year waiting period to all things auspiciously happy, like weddings, to allow those related to the the person that passed away to properly grieve.

rkmoore80

I'm also a white American girl marrying an Indian boy, so I feel you.  We had our fair share of fights with the parents early in the planning process.  Hang in there, they'll come around- there was a time I thought  my MIL would never stop yelling and/or crying, but eventually she got used to what we wanted to do, and now I dare say she's even excited about it.    Since your fiance the one that doesn't want an Indian wedding, this is sort of more between him and his parents.  If he hasn't already, he should talk to them about why he doesn't want an Indian wedding, and also hear from his parents why it's important to them that he does.  I would support what he wants for sure, but maybe ask him if he'd be willing to compromise with them.  For instance, we're doing a fusion American/Hindu ceremony that includes the most important parts of the ceremony (according to the preist) that should take about 45 minutes, rather than the full-blown super long thing.  If the guest list is an issue, maybe his family could have another party to celebrate with all the people his parents wanted to invite.  (His parents threw us an engagement party that was twice as big as the actual wedding is going to be, so his mom could meet her "social obligations".)  Figure out what works best for everyone.

In the grand scheme of things, the wedding itself isn't all that important.  What you really want, and what your parents want for you, is a happy marriage.  In a situation like this, no one is going to get exactly what they want, but you should be able to talk it out and come up with something that everyone is satified with.  At the end of the day, whatever you do for your wedding will be lovely and everyone will see how happy you both are, including your in laws, and none of the other stuff will matter.

las208

Thank you, everyone, for your help! I think I'll nudge him to take me back home to his folks again now that we're engaged; they can talk it out in person then, too. The engagement party sounds like it has interesting potential here. He's not on great terms with his folks (things went downhill when he refused an arranged marriage -- according to him), but they clearly love him. Crossing my fingers for a good outcome!

orlterry

Mmm, traditional brahmin you say, and you are a divorcee. I wanna give you a heads up....if the parents find out, there's gonna be major trouble. Most traditional especially brahmin Indian parents will not tolerate a divorcee DIL. Hope you've had this out with your FI. And yes doing it the Indian way is a must for any hindu Indian parents, no matter how modern thinking they are.

orlterry

ps. if you dont intend telling them about your divorce, i'd suggest you have the Indian wedding, cajole the FI. You'll have that as a plus point if ever they do find out. It's just the way the Indian mentality is wired.

orlterry

ps ps. I'm Indian

SonaliPop

I really think not telling them about the divorce is a sign of trouble. If you two love eachother no matter what and will get married no matter what, maybe you should consider mentioning it...even if they will oppose things. To be honest, as much as you want to save yourself the trouble now, you may be handlng a huge bomb that will blow up in both of your faces, later.

As for your Fiance, he should speak to his parents (with you there) about not wanting an Indian wedding. I can understand them wanting to wait about having a wedding. It is our custom, and considered respectful, to wait that period of time before having a wedding. I would suggest honoring that - why the rush on his part to get married? Marriage in an Indian family is about compromise - if both parties give and take, you guys will be happier in the long run. And it's a way for you to gain a bit more respect, or, brownie points with your in laws.