First trip to India? Beyond nervous!

SaveTheWorld2014

So, my boyfriend is starting to plan a trip to India (Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh) in four/fve months.

I was raised as a lapsed Catholic, would classify myself as a spiritual agnostic. However, the idea of many gods appeals to me and so am starting to learn more about Hinduism and would possibly be willing to convert in the future.

I am very modern, outgoing, outspoken, amibitious, loud and don't take any crap from men. All qualities (well, except for ambitious) that don't look as if they would mesh with my boyfriend's family.

His sister had, she wanted it, an arranged marriage that turned into a love marriage. However, my guy's mother said he doesn't have to have one, he can marry who he wants, his wife should work and earn (which I will) and that will replace the dowry - which she doesn't want. Good signs, right?

He says he will teach me pooja before we go and that should make his mom very happy, since he doesn't pray. I am also a good houseguest - cooking, cleaning, existing quietly......

BUT what else should I be doing/knowing before stepping into his world?

I will be bringing them gifts, for our visit. I would also like to bring them Christmas gifts (since that is when we would most likely go) since my BF and I will be exchanging Xmas gifts.............do you think this would be viewed as if I think I am 'better' than their culture or do you think it would be looked at as if I am trying to share my culture with them, as thanks for sharing their culture with me?

But, what if I don't like Indian food - I hate spicy food! What to wear in the house, outside? Can I put on my iPod to let him talk to his parents since I am only starting to learn Telugu - would that be rude? Can I touch him at all in front of people?

Any advice would be welcomed! Thanks! :-)

temurlang

Glad things are going well!

I want to qualify any advice that I give by saying that my ILs are from a different community, DH grew up in a different (from his community and from your BF) part of India, and my ILs both have PhDs, speak English, and have been outside of India many times.  All these things can make a difference to people's expectations and attitudes.

Hyderabad:

My friend is married to a man from Hyderabad.  It seems like a pretty big city with MNCs, so probably it's not super conservative.  Neighboring villages will be different though.

Religion:

My ILs aren't very religious.  It's my impression that interest would be appreciated and not taken as intrusive by most people.  I think my ILs view my insistence on remaining Christian as unimportant, but would probably like it if I converted.  MIL doesn't do pooja, but I think most moms would like it if you learn.

Your personality:

I ahven't seen that many docile women in India LOL!  I have a theory that men usually choose someone who has something in common with his mom.  For example, my MIL and I were both raised in conservative families with a goal to marry well.  We both put a lot of effort into our looks and don't talk about challenging subjects.  We both like the arts and (interestingly) Law and Order.  We have a lot of differences, too.  Look for those similarities when you meet your BF's mom.  What my ILs seem to expect in India is that I should get up early, dress up, and sit politely in a decorative manner in the drawing room.  People would come over to have tea and if they spoke English I could make polite conversation.  Basically, what my MIL does.

Being a houseguest in India is different.  First of all, the DIL isn't really a guest.  Also, there are usually servants and your MIL may see running the house as a sign of hierarchy.

Marriage:

My ILs had a love marriage, so no expectations there, although my SIL is having an arranged marriage.  One GIANT thing:  we moved in together before marriage and my ILs even came and visited.  Multiple times.  BUT, DH and I were both positive that if we turned up in India we would pretty much be forced to get married then and there.  I knew that would be the worst thing I could do to my parents, plus I wanted to get married in my own sweet time, so our first trip to India together was for the the wedding.  This is something I recommend you discuss with your BF, or be prepared for it to come up.

Christmas:

I have no idea.  My ILs don't care.  People like gifts, but they may not connect the significance of the holiday.  If you are sharing I think people will see it like that.

Food:

Home Indian food is rarely as spicy or oily as in a restaurant.  And rice is very absorbent lol!  Also, I think it's acceptable to ask for less spice.  Indians know non-Indians can't eat as much spice.  Getting sick from food is more the problem.  Be sure to take power bars with you in case.  I always take them while travelling in case of diarrhea.  The diet will be different for you.  but it's a limited time, and you will find some things you really like, even if you don't like some.

Clothes:

Ask your BF first about his expectations.  The easiest choice is a silwar kameez.  It's just about always acceptable, at home and outside.  DH does not like it though, so I only wear it in a place like my ILs' village.  DH's hometown is very conservative, so I would not wear a skirt, or show cleavage.  Jeans and a conservative, longer top are good, and a scarf is useful for both modesty and pollution.  Sensible shoes are a must.  A flat, but sturdy, well-padded sole and slip ons are most convenient.

Touching:

My ILs would not be okay with touching.  Except DH's grandmother.  But in general we don't, unless we're crossing a street or something.

kpwedkk

I just went to South India passing through Hyderabad for the first time in my life in May/June this year for a couple weeks, I was born and brought up here and language for me is a barrier, but I can communicate my needs and had an awesome time nonetheless.  

I agree a lot of what I saw in South India  with temurlang.

Clothing - I agree with temurlang on and second her comments:
Ask your BF about expactations.  I found South India to be much more modern than the north, and I did cap short sleeve shirts, and khakis pants, or the kameez shalwars which are not as expensive.  For special occasions such as poojas, I didn't wear any western wear. 

I got forewarning when I went that any clothing above my knee, or showing cleavage or even my shoulders wasn't allowed.  Wear comfortable sandals as well.  I found that shoes with heels ended up being my worst nightmare, and ultimately stayed in the suticase.  There are fancy flip flops that you can find at Kohl's or Macy's or a department store that has a large rubber heel... those seemed to work out better.

Marriage -
Actually the reason I went to India was to witness and participate in a wedding where the bride and groom were arranged, but thankfully they had many hours of talking and had the right to say no, if they felt it wasn't right for them.    Life changes, and modernization sets in... if your BF's parents, relatives and siblings see what your BF sees in you, and respect his decision, that's really all there is to it.

Food -
I agree, bring power bars, or luna bars... also, buy a brita water bottle.  I use mine still, and it's a good way of filtering out water out there.  The temperature

Street food - because the water isn't filtered, this runs into problems.  I had pani poori on the street... and it was good, maybe wasn't the best thing to have, but I was down for like a couple days, even on the second day, I was a real trooper and kept my spirits up

IF you do run into problems, go to an Rx store/stall and explain your problem.  They will give you a tablet to help, and they might give you a few electrolyte packets to get your minerals up.  I found it important to take vitamins, and keep up the routine there.  The weather was hot, humid and super stickie during the day. My recommendation is drink coconut water, and eat a lot of the local fruits - mangos, grapes, apples, bananas, etc to keep the minerals up.

As far as meals go, I can't handle the chilis in India. In America, yes, that's totally okay, but there no.  You can always ask for mild or less spicy.  If your meal is still too hot, ask for Raita (cucumber + yogurt + maybe carrots) sauce, and that should cut some of the heat of the food.  Sweets, especially milk based also help a lot! (e.g. Ras Malai)

There are also American restaurants there with the Indian twist...I tried Pizza from pizza hut, and kFC, but a veggie burger, they are pretty good, and a new experience.  Just look at websites, and see if their menu.

Touching - I concur with temurlang as well, they don't like hugging... they will hold hands when crossing a very busy street though so you won't get lost, or run over.

jsleik

Thanks for asking, I'm heading over in Jan and looking for all the tips I can get!  Temurlang has been *invaluable*!!!

SaveTheWorld2014

Thanks so much ladies!

Also, did you/are you learning Hindi or regional languages? My BF says he speaks Hindi as well as he speaks English (good, not great) and that learning Telugu would be more helpful. Of course, it's harder to find teaching material for Telugu than Hindi.

But, any tips on how to go about it? 

Temurlang - your saris were beautiful! (Yes, I bio stalked you) I don't know that much so is there a reason why in the epics you wore it over your right shoulder/front and then in India, you had it over your left shoulder/back. I know I'm supposed to be wearing it over my left shoulder/back, all I know, lol.

temurlang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_first-trip-india-beyond-nervous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:b74d5787-4072-4854-b6c0-4ac042d8ecdePost:962d2c0a-8b41-4a8d-b7af-66e3b8d134a3">Re: First trip to India? Beyond nervous!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much ladies! Also, did you/are you learning Hindi or regional languages? My BF says he speaks Hindi as well as he speaks English (good, not great) and that learning Telugu would be more helpful. Of course, it's harder to find teaching material for Telugu than Hindi. But, any tips on how to go about it?  Temurlang - your saris were beautiful! (Yes, I bio stalked you) I don't know that much <strong>so is there a reason why in the epics you wore it over your right shoulder/front and then in India, you had it over your left shoulder/back.</strong> I know I'm supposed to be wearing it over my left shoulder/back, all I know, lol.
Posted by SaveTheWorld2014[/QUOTE]

Good spotting Save the World!  Yes, there is a reason.  DH is ethnically Bengali, but he grew up in Rajashtan and identifies more with Rajasthani culture.    Formal wear in Rajasthan is often a lehnga, rather than a sari.  In the E-pics and ceremony in Jaipur, I'm wearing a lehnga.  It is a skirt and blouse with a large dupatta worn right-to-front.

Bengalis only wear saris.  (My MIL only ever wears a sari, even at night.)  Although you can wear a sari in several ways, they always wear it left-to-back.  So in the other receptions in Bengal, I'm wearing saris.

About learning Hindi:  DH speaks English, then Bengali.  He took Hindi at school and can speak, but it really is a third language.  FIL speaks Hindi, but MIL doesn't.  I do speak a little Hindi (I don't like to, but I can manage), and it is easy to pick up because DH's friends speak it and because of films.  Bengali is a lot harder to learn.  MIL desperately wants me to learn and actually just gave me a children's book... the problem is that I can't read the alphabet, so I won't be able to learn from it.  There are classes at my undergrad university, but, um, I guess I'm lazy to try it out.  And DH's English is just like mine, so I don't have that incentive.

I think there are films made in Telegu?  I would start by watching them.  If you have a major university near by you can check their extension courses.  If you spend time with your BF's friends you will also pick some up.