Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding

MrsBM

Hey girls....

So I think we all know Indian people are not indian without their critical and rude comments.   Here is my situation...

One guest from my parents side said so much crap to my mom about the sangeet night and the performances at the reception that when my mom told me about it my mom started to blame me for those comments (mind you I really dislike this aunty who made the comments and I even told my parents not to invite them but you know parents have to invite whomever invited them) ...saying I didnt allow my side (the 'surprise' performances were from the grooms side) to do any other performances and for the sangeet that the grooms side planned everything and that it didnt even look like the function was being hosted by the brides side (even though the payment was split)

When I told my mom to not listen to this aunty and that indian people just love to talk and that it doesnt matter any more because the wedding is over...she said that I'm just taking my in laws side....wtf!

Any advice would really help!

raangoli

Yikes. That is really rude of that aunty to say these things to your mom. Do you think your mom feels the same way? It almost seems like she does since she seems to have taken the rude aunty's side.

I think you were right to say that it does not matter any more, since the wedding is over and everyone enjoyed the sangeet and wedding itself. I would have to say that if your mom brings it up again and says you are taking your in laws side, to let her know that you are not taking anyone's side. You have a right to form and voice your opinion and that is truly how you feel.

Does rude aunty have any children of her own? I'd say that she will see what it is like when it comes time for her own children to marry and how it feels if people were to complain to her on such a happy occasion.

SonaliPop

First of all that Aunty needs a vodka martini and an attitude adjustment. You do not need to explain anything to anyone - the woman has an issue and it's not about you or the sangeet night. Frankly, your Mom is being a tad bit silly - she should be basking in the joy of her daughter getting married and being happy, not what some other idiot says. You were right to say what you did, end of story. And I hope your Mom doesn't pay the woman the compliment of even listening to her. You can't uninvite her, but you sure as hell can make sure she knows how you feel. Body languge and nonverbal cues, baby!

Hinaj

I agree with previous posts.  Don't listen.  Its done and over with.  You and your hubby are fine with it, it does not matter who else has a problem with it and we all know there are too many desi people who criticize more than have anything good to say about anyone.  So I would just ignore it and move on.  I am just surprised you only heard of one, I am anticipating more than one at my wedding and just so you know FMIL is counted as two because she doesn't like anything I like or what I do and everything desi person invited think they know how to do this better or it should have been done this way. 

rsharma3

I can completely sympathize with you, & you are most definitely not alone. I've already embraced the fact that there are going to be more than a few people making rude comments when unnecessary during/after the wedding. It's like it's built into our culture for elder aunties to express their mind without thinking of the effects of their words. These type of people are not your well wishers, and you'll run into them more than once in your life. The best advice is to keep your head up & be proud of your wedding.  

Your mom will also get over this in due time.

jnsaini

I can relate to this.Ok So I was told by my mom about how few said (close relatives) that the dinner wasnt filling enough cause they missed some of the cocktail hour (where food was a plenty to feed a horse). And my parents had provided a huge breakfast and lunch (at the gurdawara during ceremony) to these ppl who complained.They told my parents why did they pick such a fancy place to have reception, they should have picked a cheaper one with just indian food for dinner too  (which was provided for breakfast and lunch). I told dad there is no making everyone happy some ppl eat a lot and a wedding is not a buffet, and we are not liable if someone misses out on food..
I told them I will concentrate on the positive and see how many ppl complimented the wedding, as oppose to few who cant be satisfied.

kpwedkk

I can also relate to this.  There's always one bad apple in the bunch!    There is always one person, or two that has something to say about their accommodations at a hotel (where we couldn't possibly have a say of where they picked, if it was outside of our discounted hotels that we had a reservation for), or people missing the cocktail hour due to their own dressing time, poorly planned. 

I would say, just don't listen to them.  It's quite possible that Aunty's relatives, and maybe even Uncle would reminisce about the food, or the decor, or best of all, reunionize with friends, and family that they don't get to meet often... and they might (after hearing her sob story for the 50th time, say something back to her)

As for your mom, it's probably very reluctant for her to say something that you taking the in-laws side on this topic, especially if these events weren't in your control, and seriously, Aunty is saying this after the fact. At no point during these performances, did she try to do something about what she thought were poor performances!

If the sangeet/reception performances were all a surprise, those were done to creatively provide entertainment, (and no one in the world can be the judge of how those performances are done on the fly) and bless the couple with their creative energy, then what's really wrong?

I have had to say something to the regard of "I'm sorry you feel this way, but based on the phone calls, the emails, and talking with relatives in person, they all have been raving about those performances or just enjoyed themselves with the food, the decor, and the company of friends/relatives that they don't get to meet on a daily basis!!"

I would say focus on the positive.  There's nothing that anyone can do to change your wedding for the better, or worse, these are memories good or bad, or to laugh about in the future   You'll always be your husband's bride, and your husband will always be your groom

Trupti8584

It's sad, really. Why do people forget what it's about. Aunties cannot stop being aunties, I guess.
Mrs. BM, my mom recently made a similar comment to me(that I was taking in-laws side) and it made me cry but now that I think of it, she only said it because she felt like her daughter was going away or something. It's a lot for her too, you know. As for the aunty-typical comment, like others said, it's not important, she's not important. You two enjoy the life of newly weds and forget about the the jealous aunty.

MrsBM

Thanks for all of the advice ladies.
Ya it's just ridiculous I don't really care what the aunty said ...I just hate that it was thrown in my face.

DFWIndian

Just as you said in the beginning... because we are indians we face people judging us way to harshly. Even if you throw a high class party someone finds something wrong or thinks you spent too much and that's not right.
I do hope you put it behind you and remember there shouldn't be too many other reasons for you to interact with this women. Just enjoy being married!

MrsBM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_dealing-peoples-commentsafter-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:d2711143-1350-4ca2-89e6-a35c220264e8Post:ab747e8e-bca8-4b54-98e8-05a83203bc7b">Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]it made me cry but now that I think of it, she only said it because she felt like her daughter was going away or something. It's a lot for her too, you know. Posted by Trupti8584[/QUOTE]

ya you are 100 % right....its harder for our moms to deal with this change

I guess its hard for me to swallow...like if she feels like she is loosing me then why make comments like you are taking you in laws side? :S

kpwedkk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_dealing-peoples-commentsafter-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:d2711143-1350-4ca2-89e6-a35c220264e8Post:ad89b7bf-4ca8-417a-b273-bab52a3ceb74">Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding : ya you are 100 % right....its harder for our moms to deal with this change I guess its hard for me to swallow...like if she feels like she is loosing me then why make comments like you are taking you in laws side? :S
Posted by MrsBM[/QUOTE]

Maybe your mom doesn't know how to react... She needs that translator that Steve wore in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs!  My mom still doesn't know how to react... I might be uprooting being 3 miles away from her, to across country, and yet her sons leave all the time, every week, and she goes bananas on that... 

Thank goodness we didn't buy the house next to them, which was for sale when we were looking, that would have been a disaster in the making!

MrsBM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_dealing-peoples-commentsafter-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:d2711143-1350-4ca2-89e6-a35c220264e8Post:fb54af27-7a1a-4f45-af4a-4b21feed2945">Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding : Maybe your mom doesn't know how to react... Posted by kpwedkk[/QUOTE]

You are right also!  Mom's having a hard time dealing with the change...so thats why the way they react is so hard for us to deal with :$

kpwedkk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_dealing-peoples-commentsafter-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:d2711143-1350-4ca2-89e6-a35c220264e8Post:3866272c-57e0-486b-92fd-97fd4cc1e0fd">Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dealing with people's comments...after the wedding : You are right also!  Mom's having a hard time dealing with the change...so thats why the way they react is so hard for us to deal with :$
Posted by MrsBM[/QUOTE]


I hope I don't react the same way my mom did, when my kid leaves the home for the first time, or get's married :(