Following traditions: Being the bahu that lives with her in-laws

SonaliPop

Do any of you plan on living with your in-laws? I know it's not everybody's cup of tea and REALLY it wasn't what I thought I would be doing, but, at the end of the day this is the mutual decision we have reached...we will be living with his parents in England. Here, it's not common but in England, everybody seems to do it. I really fought it at first but now I am understanding him and this has been our biggest battle and our biggest compromise...

Does anyone have any tips? I would really appreciate some feedback. I hear so many people saying nasty things about their prospective inlaws and I don't want to be like that, but I know that for me it will be a real challenge. I know it's not for everybody and we're not the type of couple that lives in last century, but I realize that my man is loving and open and modern about everything...except for this one thing. We're not traditional or old school by any means.

My FMIL is amazing. The first day I went to their house for dinner she asked me if I cooked and I followed the AMAZING advice my aunt gave me - start how you want to finish - and I was honest. I said, "No, but I'm learning." She smiled and said "That's okay - I know how, so it doesn't matter." My partner is an amazing guy who genuinely wants to be a son to my parents and for me to be a daughter to his, and that helps the transition.

I hope you guys have something positive for me! Reading all of these message boards scares me. I know you all may understand me better because this is a part of our culture that isn't found in others.

Thanks so much!!!

jnsaini

Sonali,
Dont worry your in laws seem sooo sweet, mine are not like that at all. I thougth I would be the good bahu and be so sweet to my in-laws till they put me through so much crap. But yes, I would have loved to be in that situation if it was different, its great to have a extended family so loving and close where everyone gets along.There are so many benefits to living in with the in-laws, they will help you with your kids even in the future, you are blessed with a loving family like that and a husband that is a good son, its rare!!!

Hinaj

Sonali - It doesn't seem you have anything to worry about.  Your FMIL sounds great.  But I do understand your neverousness.  FI and I have also decided to have his mom live with us.  But I have known that I would be living with my in laws since I was a kid.  But they are a tiny family with a mom and a sister.  Although, I have difficulty describing what kind of relationship we have each other.  I think she holds it against me that FI chose a girl for himself instead of the traditional route and have her find a girl.  It also doesn't help that I speak my mind and tell her when I disagree with her. 
 
We don't hate each other but we don't love each other either.  I try to get along with her for FI's sake, that means I try my best to keep everything very general and away from any possible topics that might lead to something and I am completely fine with this.  I think both of us know we have to do this for FI sake so I think we will.  She has two homes in India that she stays for extended amount of time, I don't know if she plans on doing this after marriage.  I have a feeling no is the answer. 

SonaliPop

I fought it so hard. So ridiculously hard. And we almost split up.

But I learned a bit about my FMIL.

Her in laws were a nightmare. They were demeaning and hurtful and she did everything for them, so she vowed she wouldn't do the same thing to hers.

She doesn't want me to worry about cooking and cleaning, she wants me to live my life. She wants to include me. They built a huge house and they live on a separate floor from us (there's a base floor, the middle floor, and the upstairs where our bedroom / bathroom is...and we have a living room to ourselves on the main floor) and she kept all the walls blank because she wanted her daughter in law to choose everything...the curtains, the art, the decorations, whatever is in the lawn, EVERYTHING.

Another thing that helped was talking with my friends who are men - they didn't hate the idea of living with their parents, neither did some of my female friends. In the UK, it's so much a part of the culture with Indians that no one thinks twice. I don't have a nightmare set of in laws and I should be grateful ...if I had some of the in laws my friends or some of the people on the message boards do, I'd be toast.

I hope you and your in laws have a better relationship and that they work to mend it. Indian parents do not want to apologize sometimes - it's not what they are taught to do, and sometimes, they let a lot go on and build up without making a change. I hope that you all reach a middle ground because no one wants to have an awful relationship with them.

Where are you guys living in relation to your in laws?

HisBelovedOne

Well, my in-laws hate me for being white, so... no. I really doubt we'll be living with his parents. And neither of us want to live with either of my parents, who separated this past November.

SonaliPop

Thanks for all of your feedback. I know so many crazy mother in laws who I fear and they're not even mine!

It seems so tricky, this relationship between bahu and saas! I hope I can live up to their expectations. My family is much more modern than theirs...but their son is the love of my life. I would never do this for anyone but him! No way!

Hinaj- Maybe your MIL will go to India to stay permanently. My fils don't have anywhere else to stay - they hardly leave, but we will be the ones vacationing quite a bit. I take note of his sister in her marriage - she and her husband live w/ his parents and they go off every so often for weekends or weeks away. Their in-laws travel for quite some time, as well. I just hope I am not the bride who desperately wishes her in-law's would leave for a vacation. That sure sounds like a hell of a lot of waiting.

HisBelovedOne - I'm really sorry your in-laws are not adjusting to your relationship to their son and trying to be happy for both of you. We can't ask for a lot in our lives or for our family members other than that they stay happy and safe. They probably have some weird pre-conceived notions about you based on your skin tone and your background. Ignore it and fight the good fight - be wed, be happy, and enjoy that future. Don't let anyone take that time away from you. Part of being a good bahu is not letting yourself get walked all over while showing your mother in law you care. Since your mother in law seems like an absentee or very difficult to deal with, continue to be civil and assert yourself. I hope you have an amazing wedding.

mrs.khan

At first, we will be living in the USA.  My DF's family is in Bangladesh, but the plan is to move there once we become established.  I really am excited to live with my in-laws, as crazy as it sounds. I get along so well with them and they really love me as their daughter.  The house will never be empty, and there will always be someone there once we have children. I never, in a million years, thought I would be agreeing to live with my in-laws. 

SonaliPop

I wouldn't say I'm excited, I guess I always wanted or at least, pictured what we'd live on our own...it's an adjustment.