NYE - dating Indian man

SaveTheWorld2014

Hi everyone

I apologize but I am NYE. I posted on TK when I was engaged, am now divorced, just started to date agaiin.

I am now dating an Indian man, from Andhra Pradesh (near Hyderabad). He speaks Telugu, Hindi, and English (in that order) and received his MS in the US. He is Americanized but still somewhat traditional (whatever that means, right?).

We are physically intimate, he is not religious but follows cultural traditions, dresses 'western' but modest. He has not dated really at all, definitely not non-Indian woman.

I guess I am just looking for advice - I really care for him but feel as if I don't fit in. I am extremely open minded but he is not totally forthcoming about his culture, country, etc. If you are a non-Indian woman engaged to an Indian man, any advice you could give me? And, if you are an Indian woman, any pointers on how dating proceeds in india and insights about Indian men?

TIA! :-) I really appreciate it!

XOXO

temurlang

Hi!  I am American and married to an Indian.  DH is not from Andhra, but actually most of the Indians in my area are (although DH's friends aren't, so I can't say I know the culture).

Just wondering what you mean by "not forthcoming" and that you "don't fit in."

When you say he is not forthcoming about his culture or country, do you mean that he isn't interested or doens't know much?  I think guys don't always take as much interest as girls in culture, and aren't good at explaining what you don't know.  There could be a lot of reasons someone isn't that interested in their culture, like he could be more career-oriented or have some other primary interest that takes up his time, or he could want to "fit in" in the US, or maybe just doesn't get a long with his family.

What do you not "fit in" to exactly?  Does he act like it's not really a relationship, not introduce you to his friends, etc.?  I would see any of that as a red flag.  If the problem is that he doesn't prep you for certain "Indian" situations that might be because he doesn't know what to tell you.  For example, DH still cannot tell me when to wear jeans, a sari, or silwar kameez.  He has zero idea of what is appropriate, even when I ask him directly.  Or whose wife speaks/doesn't speak English, or which dinner guests are vegetarian, or whose ILs are super-conservative.  These are things you can learn and will feel more comfortable with over time.

My impression is that Andhra culture is fairly conservative and traditional in a lot of ways.  The fact that he hasn't dated probably has an impact on how he acts towards you.  He probably doesn't have experience in how a BF-GF relationship works, and my guess is that most of his circle also doesn't date, so he has no examples to follow.

GL!

jsleik

I'm engaged to an Indian man.  I'm lucky is that he is a complete chatterbox, so he's happy telling me very minute detail and history of everything.  When he remembers to.  Sometimes, though, I have to say, "You know, I don't know what to expect here.  Can you help me out?  What should I wear?  What will other people be wearing?  Are we going to eat?  How long will we be gone?"  Sometimes hearing more specific questions like that can get him started in the right direction.  But sometimes they still need a little prodding. 

For example:  We had a moment last year when he took me to Durga Puga.  We had decided to go long ahead of time, but as it got closer, I didn't think to ask much about it,  The night before, I said, "So what do I wear to this?  What are you wearing?"  Turns out he was planning on wearing more traditional clothes and said I should "wear something colorful."  Super helpful, I know.  In the morning when we got up, he said, "Yeah, we need to go shopping for you.  You need some Indian clothes."  So off we went and got me a salawar kameez.  It is a nicer one, but nowhere near as dressy as everyone else.  I saw only 1 other woman in one.  Everyone else had super fancy saris on.   I pointed this out and said I was happy we found me something new to wear or I would have felt very out of place.  He agreed that he doesn't think about it, but now that he sees it in that context, he will have to help me more.  Since then, he has been great.  I have a few more outfits for different occassions and now that we're getting closer to the wedding, his mom is buying me saris as well.  Now I want more events to go to so I can wear my cool stuff more often. 

Some of it just takes time.  If you don't think you're getting the answers you want, approach the question differently.  Sometimes they don't realize just how much you don't know because it is something they grew up with and everyone he knows just knows what to expect or what to do.  Sometimes a gentle reminder can go a long way.

Is that what you meant by not fitting in?  If not, explain more so we can help.

kpwedkk

I'll chime in... I was in fact married and subsequently divorced to someone that was born in South India, pretty close to Hyderrabad.  I like you, even though I may look Indian, was born and brought up in the US.  I follow a modern twist of Indian culture, watch Hindi movies with english subtitles, sing along to film songs, and wear kurtis and salwars on occasion, and do attend a couple different temples to make sure that I'm immersed in tradition, etc, but follow it more so because I have a passion for it.

I hear you about not fitting in. Sometimes you know you already stick out, but you just take it in stride... Be confident in who you are.  There must be a reason why your Indian guy that you are dating took an interest in you. 

As others have mentioned, gently reminding him that you'd like to know more about his traditions, how his parents live in India, any expectations that he and his family might have etc.

SaveTheWorld2014

Thank you everyone for your responses - they really did help! :-) 

Good news: He told his roommates, friends, and sister (to him, more important than his parents) and he said he would take me to India to meet his family in November/December.

I have a couple more questions but I think I'll create another post.

Thanks again!

SaveTheWorld2014

Also, someone mentioned there being a reason why my boyfriend chose to date me......

do you think that, and this could apply to any culture, that if I am dating someone of another culture......

how MUCH do you think they want me to change? He wants me to become a bit more 'Indian,' - his definition of it anyway BUT

if I lose all my American-ness, doesn't that get rid of why he chose me?

I am now beginning to understand the struggle immigrants go through when trying to merge two cultures............I feel like I live in two worlds and am on a tightrope......