Well, here's an interesting turn of events.

HisBelovedOne

Now, there IS a small possibility that a closer teaching job will call him back and none of what I'm about to tell you will happen, but in all likelihood, FI's dad is a few weeks away from signing a contract with the Hernando County school system as a teacher. This is about an hour and a half commute one way from where they currently live, and driving three hours a day just isn't practical for him. So FFIL and FMIL are planning to move up there. They're looking for one bedroom apartments up there, and they don't want to sell the house. Also, it would require quite a bit of rearranging lives - FI, his brother DJ, and the friend of ours who is living there now (J) would all need to find a new place to live.

To prevent all that hassle, FI and fam haggled things out and came up with a plan. When FI's parents move up to Hernando County, Kidlet and I will move into the house with FI, J, and DJ. The four of us adults are to collectively pay for the rent (and, I think, utilities) for the parents' apartment, and they will continue to pay the mortgage and utilities for the house.  This is because the mortgage and house utilities are already in their names, and this way they don't have to transfer anything to any of us. They plan to come back to the house on weekends, but during the week it just isn't doable to drive all that distance, and FFIL understandably doesn't want to live apart from his wife. Once FFIL has been employed by Hernando County for a year, maybe two, he can transfer back to our county if any jobs are available, and they can move back.

His parents are not thrilled about us living together before we're married, but they also don't want us to get married  "for the wrong reasons." Not sure what the logic is behind that, since we've been engaged for 7 months already and this plan was hatched five hours ago. FI and I are currently trying to decide if it would be best to just do the courthouse wedding thing now and have the big wedding later, or wait and do it all at once.  I'd rather elope now and have the wedding later, but FI is torn on it, so we have some discussing to do. We also have some basic moving logistics to handle; Kidlet is on Supplemental Security Income due to his disability, so once we move that has to be reported. (Another reason to get married now - I can get all that stuff handled at once. Until Kidlet turns 18 I'm the caretaker for his SSI stuff and if we move or I get married, the living/income arrangements change and I have to report that.)

Also, there will have to be some discussions at my house. Mostly transportation for my youngest sister, N, who will be 16 in a little over a month. My mom can't afford a car for her right now. I'm currently N's primary transportation. We may be able to work that out, because Kidlet's school is near N's school and their start and end times are similar, so I could probably manage her school stuff still. But some financial stuff will need working out too - I share some bills with my mom, and moving out/getting married will affect those.

So, yeah.  There's that, then. I'm happy, thrilled, even. The logistocs need handling, but I'm pretty sure we'll get it all covered.

raangoli

Whoa you had quite the day! I think it's a good sign though that his parents have suggested this living situation. It seems that they have really started to warm to you and accept you as their son's future wife. Congrats on that end!

I vote court marriage. It doesn't mean that you can't have the wedding you have been planning for so long. There is of course the other logistics with your family and bills, etc, but that would have been worked out sooner or later, so in this case, it's just sooner. I think you can do it though. You seem very level headed and realistic and have thought through things to this point, I think it can be done!

I am happy and excited for you!

SonaliPop

I'm with her - court marriage and then a wedding later seems to be a good idea. Interesting turn of events, though.

Hinaj

A lot of things are happening!!!  Good thing is that his parents are behaving well towards you, a step in the right direction for them!!!  The financial and logistical problems can be solved, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. 

Now I really don't want to sound like a b here and you can ignore me completely on this, but when you get married in court, you are married, so technically having a wedding later doesn't make sense when you are already married. I understand the need to get married soon too, but I don't agree with another wedding when you guys are already married.  Have you thought about having the hindu ceremony in the next couple of weeks (I don't know if that is possible), which will satisfy his parents  and just throwing a reception later when things are settled which should still give you to plan it the way you want it. 

You can keep the guest list short to only close family and friends and you can videotape it and play it later for your guest at the reception.  There are several possibilities. 

Are you having a hindu ceremony?  Or am I making things up here? 

HisBelovedOne

With all this coming up so fast, we haven't had the time to pull together the resources for any kind of wedding. We're not having a Hindu ceremony - we were planning a fusion wedding. Some cultural elements from both sides with as little emphasis on religion as possible.

We had already planned to file the paperwork ourselves anyway. It wouldn't make any sense to hire a priest to perform a religious wedding when we're both agnostic. Since it was going to be separate anyhow, we were going to have the courthouse wedding on our anniversary and then have a close friend perform the ceremony we wrote four days later over the weekend, when we could get everyone there. The only difference would be the time between the two - instead of a few days, it would be more like a few months. We have every intention of telling our guests that we're already married - the wording has yet to be finalized, but it was going to be something like this: "Please join us to celebrate the marriage of (my name) and (his name), which took place on (date)" followed by relevant details - date, time, place, etc.

The ceremony with loved ones is the important part for us. We're still planning it like a wedding. The ONLY difference is when the marriage license is signed and filed. The legal part is just that - the legal filing of the license. The court doesn't much care whether the ceremony is before or after the paperwork. Still, if you want to get into the technicalities, I suppose you could say that we're getting "weddinged" in our ceremony, since we'll already have the license out of the way.

Hinaj

If that is what you are planning on doing, call it a vow renewal or people are not going to get the "wedding" since they already know that you are married. 

HisBelovedOne

Oh, forgot to mention - we got down to the bottom of their reasoning for wanting us to postpone a legal marriage. It appears that his parents don't relish the idea, but they want us to live together before we're married for at least six months "to make sure [we] can live with each other."

Funny thing about this situation is that if he had let them choose an Indian bride for him, they wouldn't be suggesting such a thing. I guess they feel that an interracial couple who's been together nearly two years before moving in still needs tiime to "make sure," but a like-race couple who's put together by their parents can be married and living together within a week without a problem.

Oh, and they gave him THIS little gem: "If she goes after you for alimony later down the road, you're on your own." Because apparently they think that all white people have no sense of committment. I understand that the divorce rate is pretty high, but I personally believe in choosing the right partner to begin with and then maintaining the health of the relationship, thereby avoiding the divorce thing. I don't believe in being married until it isn't easy or convenient anymore. Marital commitment is not a concept embodied by only Indian people.

Part of me feels rather offended by this. But I'm not going to bother overmuch about it; I don't have to agree with their opinion, but I'm not going to create waves by announcing that. Since I'll be living in their house, I intend to correct their perceptions of me by example.

Hinaj

OMG!!!  I take back what I said about his parents making progress!!!  Its seems like they just want to see you married, and then something to go wrong, so they can say they knew it all  along....That sucks for anyone to think of marriage like that and alimony!!!  Jeez..

kpwedkk

I'm glad you aren't going to be offended - I can see why people are perceived this way, it's because they only know their kind (sorry to say) and are stuck in their comfort zone!  You are new to his parents, and from what they've seen on TV, and all of that drama, that's how they perceive the rest of the globe.

I'm basically American, but in our family, it's deep rooted in Indian culture, and religiousness.  Sure, I can't speak Hindi that well, but that doesn't stop me from trying to understand...and communicate with some laughs from the other side.  My husband is from South India, Telugu, Hindi, English he's comfortable in... 

I guess what I'm saying is, they should try to have an open mind, because after all, isn't marriage between a boy and a girl?  Don't you have two arms, two legs and a head? You have common sense, and know the difference between right and wrong, and most of all, you both have the courage and innocence to love each other, without the discriminatory eyes of everyone else!

Go you and your fiance!!

SonaliPop

Ahh, dear. I'm sorry they're being awful to you.

Sometimes, even though you have tried so hard, you need to just let go. Hold your head up high and ignore his parents...although it may be really difficult.

I am sorry that they seem to be reverting back to their tricks.

HisBelovedOne

The good news, I guess, is that they'll be living elsewhere for the first little bit that I'm there, save for weekends. Hopefully this will allow me to get acclimated to the house and used to living there, without the added difficulty of FMIL's intimidating behavior. Better than dropping me straight into the deep end with little preparation.