You all are way nicer than people on other boards (vent)

fridaysdance

I asked a simple question on the etiquette board about posting a suggested attire list on my wedding website so people could know without calling. I have seen articles on other wedding sites about this and needed wording suggestions because I thought it was appropriate; I didn't know any different. (Apparently it's unheard of on here.) I was not saying that that is what they had to wear but I got yelled at because my wedding was not "formal". I was not making any requirements. I merely wanted to give people an idea because I always feel bad calling people to ask as a guest.

I am not having "formal" food at the wedding because no one here will eat it. I like steak but don't eat chicken. FI is the opposite, so we decided on something we both like, tacos/mexican. Nobody hear would eat anything too fancy because they wouldn't recognize it. We are having it buffet style to make sure people get what they want because I can't even keep track of dietary needs for everyone anyore.

Everything else for the wedding is very nice. Proper plates, silverware, table cloths, large centerpieces, NOT putting out a card box(that seems annoying to people who did not bring a card/gift IMO.), nice/fun favors, classy music for during dinner, red velvet cake, and a dance area, I thought my invitations were fancier for what I have seen where I live. (I live in a very rural area, had no real choice as to the time of my wedding since it's on a holiday weekend and in a church with time limits year round.) The bridesmaids are wearing tea length dresses and the groomsmen will be wearing tuxedos. We are doing things differently and want people to have fun. We just don't want people to feel out of place if they come underdressed. The people have the clothes so they don't have to buy anything new. The whole reason for my question was to find a way to let people know since I will not see many of the people, nor will my family members.

Do I really deserve to be yelled at for what I thought was correct, criticized for what I want, and called weird? I think it is really hurtful that people say it's your day and you can have what you want and then turn around and call you weird when you do. I do not want a textbook wedding but I also want it to be pretty and people to be comfortable.

No, I don't really want my uncles showing up in crazy clothes, but I can't help it. I get it, but I do want the people who are genuinely wondering to have a way to find out quickly. I wasn't even disputing that I could not tell people what to wear by the end of it. I was more upset that they were pretty well criticizing what I thought was a nice wedding. I guess I just need some friends right now and that's what you ladies have always been when I have a question. Thank you and any encouraging words would be nice.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_you-all-are-way-nicer-than-people-on-other-boards-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:43453af6-2ee4-412a-99fb-cbb447240911Discussion:57411ce9-f169-489a-81da-bf23afa0717ePost:d85f16a8-6b07-4daa-bdc1-e2b348db7576">You all are way nicer than people on other boards (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked a simple question on the etiquette board about posting a suggested attire list on my wedding website so people could know without calling. I have seen articles on other wedding sites about this and needed wording suggestions because I thought it was appropriate; I didn't know any different. (Apparently it's unheard of on here.) I was not saying that that is what they had to wear but <strong>I got yelled at because my wedding was not "formal".</strong> I was not making any requirements. I merely wanted to give people an idea because I always feel bad calling people to ask as a guest. I am not having "formal" food at the wedding because no one here will eat it. I like steak but don't eat chicken. FI is the opposite, so we decided on something we both like, tacos/mexican. Nobody hear would eat anything too fancy because they wouldn't recognize it. We are having it buffet style to make sure people get what they want because I can't even keep track of dietary needs for everyone anyore. Everything else for the wedding is very nice. Proper plates, silverware, table cloths, large centerpieces, NOT putting out a card box(that seems annoying to people who did not bring a card/gift IMO.), nice/fun favors, classy music for during dinner, red velvet cake, and a dance area, I thought my invitations were fancier for what I have seen where I live. (I live in a very rural area, had no real choice as to the time of my wedding since it's on a holiday weekend and in a church with time limits year round.) The bridesmaids are wearing tea length dresses and the groomsmen will be wearing tuxedos. We are doing things differently and want people to have fun. <strong>We just don't want people to feel out of place if they come underdressed. </strong>The people have the clothes so they don't have to buy anything new. The whole reason for my question was to find a way to let people know since I will not see many of the people, nor will my family members. Do I really deserve to be yelled at for what I thought was correct, criticized for what I want, and called weird? <strong>I think it is really hurtful that people say it's your day and you can have what you want and then turn around and call you weird when you do.</strong> I do not want a textbook wedding but I also want it to be pretty and people to be comfortable. No, I don't really want my uncles showing up in crazy clothes, but I can't help it. I get it, <strong>but I do want the people who are genuinely wondering to have a way to find out quickly.</strong> I wasn't even disputing that I could not tell people what to wear by the end of it. I was more upset that they were pretty well criticizing what I thought was a nice wedding. I guess I just need some friends right now and that's what you ladies have always been when I have a question. Thank you and any encouraging words would be nice.
Posted by fridaysdance[/QUOTE]

1. Several people made a point to tell you that having an informal wedding is not a bad thing. No one yelled at you for that.

2. People who tend to underdress in situations don't feel uncomfortable doing so. It's why they continue to do it.

3. The second you invite people to share in your wedding day, it ceases to be just about you. You really can't respectfully tell adults how to dress themselves. We just don't want the people you care about in your life to talk about you behind your back for thinking they can't dress themselves. That's all.

4. I wasn't kidding in the other thread when I said we had almost 300 people at our church wedding and not one person called to ask what they should wear. I know you said it's something you've done in the past and that's great, but I just don't see it as being extremely common. Also, in the minds of people who do want to ask, their first thought might not even be to check the website. Their first thought might be to call you, a WP member or your parents.

FWIW, I think your wedding sounds awesome. I love tacos and one of my best friends had tacos at her wedding reception. It's just not considered formal food and if I remember correctly from another post of yours, you're also having video games at your reception. If that's true, I would have so much fun with that but I would be a little aggravated if I were in heels and a fancy dress for that.

You are going to have a wonderful wedding and no one over there thinks informal weddings are bad, at all.

Gabrielle76

OP, no one was mean to you on the E board.  You asked how to do something that's against etiquette on the etiquette board, and were told that you should skip it altogether.  Because the girls on the E board want to keep you from making mistakes/looking silly, they pointed out that maybe you should change your idea that it's 'formal', because no matter how you serve it, tacos and sub sandwiches aren't 'formal' food without giving them some kind of Chef Ramsey makeover.  If you disagree with the advice you were given, that's fine, but no one was rude.

fridaysdance

I felt like it was rude. Someone in one of the later posts said that my posts were getting weird. I'm sorry if that was one of you and I said something out of line. I just felt a little attacked when they just told me I couldn't even mention it and I had never heard anything of the sort and I wasn't asking for permission.

I don't want it to be overly formal. That was not the point. Sorry if I have offended someone with my continued ranting. I was just hoping a wedding website of all places was somewhere I could ask a question and have it answered. My mother gets that things have changed and wants to help but my dad is being a major pain and keeps reminding me how they did things in his day. I am doing things differently. Out of town friends and relatives have already asked about the wedding website so they don't have to waste my long distance phone time calling about things later.

I understand now that I probably shouldn't have even posed the question.

midgetthemighty

I'm not offended at all, I'm just trying to let you know that the intentions of everyone over there were good. They want you to have a wonderful wedding and you will!

People kept harping on the formality of your wedding because it appeared, to me at least, that's the part you were focusing on over and over again in your replies.

Please try to remember that tone is hard over the internet. Both to read and to interpret, which may have been a factor on both ends of the spectrum.

You did get help there even if you feel you didn't. You asked the etiquette board about something that goes against etiquette. They're going to let you know it goes against it because it will make your wedding day that much better.

You can be off-beat and have etiquette!
Good luck with the rest of your planning!

fridaysdance

Thanks. I'm just not very patient today and that may be it. Sorry again.

balletdawn

You will find the ladies over here pretty laid back (when we're around at all), but honestly don't get your feelings hurt too bad. I think they went pretty easy on you over there actually. It's good to ask for advice on TK but don't expect everyone to agree with you and try not to feel like they're attacking you when they don't.

I don't know about you, but planning a wedding made me a little short-fused. Hang in there

FluffyGumDrop2

I hope everything works out for you! 

BMcLeodTeam

I agree with PPs, I personally think that your wedding sounds amazing, but no one was attacking you over there. As it was pointed out you asked a question on an ettiquette board regarding something that goes against ettiquette, that kind of makes it their job if they care to point that out.

The ladies here are laid back, but will still point out if something goes 'against ettiquette' and give suggestions on how to make it work so that it doesn't. Its not because anyone wants to attack you, or hurt your feelings, its because we all want to help make sure that your wedding goes the best it can, with as few problems as possible.

FWIW I would LOVE to go to a wedding with Tacos lol I think that sounds like a blast!

joleri23

One of the first (and very few) posts I made on The Knot got some replies I didn't like reading. So I never went back to see if anyone else had written back. If you let things bother you, they will; if you let things roll off your shoulders, they will.

catwine

i think it;s okay to even put the 'dress code' on the invitation.  But teh reception location should also indicate the formality of the event.  I went to a wedding that  said "semi-formal attire is requested" which i found helpful becuase i don't want to be underdressed. 
if you want to do it, you should.  i agree that the rest of your wedding sounds ncie and fun.

lgoin1

I avoid the E board at all costs. A simple "I don't think that would be a good idea" turns into "That's VERY rude of you.  Why would you do that?" And other things that don't translate very well in text-only.

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_offbeat-weddings_you-all-are-way-nicer-than-people-on-other-boards-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:43453af6-2ee4-412a-99fb-cbb447240911Discussion:57411ce9-f169-489a-81da-bf23afa0717ePost:2c43087e-bd14-4be7-be5d-3f279f49fa7d">Re: You all are way nicer than people on other boards (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]i think it;s okay to even put the 'dress code' on the invitation...  Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

But it's not. Adults can dress themselves. No one knows what "semi-formal" means anyway! Even if you said that, peopel will wear what they feel comfortable in. And that's ok. It's a wedding. A celebration. You want eveyone happy and comfy.

OP, your wedding sounds awesome. Please don't let people get yo too wriled up. It's pretty easy for something to come off as condesending or rude when it wasn't meant that way. Just let it roll off your shoulders, and you'll find some great stuff on here. :)

lcatterton

Ohh, etiquette. Something humans invented to tell people how things "should" be. I don't believe in etiquette. I believe in doing what feels right to you! If you feel it'll be helpful to include a "dress code," DO IT!

In my opinion, most people know what to wear to a wedding and putting anything that tells them what to wear probably won't persuade them into wearing anything different than what they want.

At my cousin's wedding in June, I saw a lady wearing a huge Minnie Mouse t-shirt, jeans, and to look nice a strand of pearls. I was appalled! Some people!!!

michaeloswifey

While I personally like to follow etiquette most times, when and if I want to "break the rules" I do. The best and worse thing about asking opinions here is that you will get opinions. And you will be grateful for some and upset by others. I just try to focus on the helpful ones.

If you are still looking for wording to put on your website how about

"we look forward to seeing you at our not too formal, not too casual, super fabulous day!"

or something like that. I personally would not spell out a dress code, because some people are going to wear what they want, regardless of your wishes. And that may turn into "I can't believe crazy Aunt Linda wore blue jeans and flannel when I requested everyone wear..." You don't want to add any unnecessary stress to this day!

So, basically, what I'm saying is do what YOU want to do. It's your day. Enjoy it!

And since we're talking about proper dress here, I would like to share that my shower was this weekend and FI's very eccentric Aunt wore what everyone is now calling a "doily" dress. You could see through all the little holes and she was not wearing anything under it. But ya know what, it did not ruin my day. She didn't seen to have any problem with it, so neither did I. And the guests that did, sucks for them.