Asking For Permission

bananabread1025

So, I'm ready to ask my lady to marry me; however, there's an interesting situation involving her parents. They love me, that's not the issue. The problem is that they don't agree with the whole "gay thing". I know that if I were a guy asking their permission to marry their daughter wouldn't be a problem at all. Unfortunately, for the ease of my situation, I'm not a man. 

Should I ask their permission at all? 

Is there anything that might ease the mild tension of the situation?

stormylipstick

My parents love my fiancé however, she did not ask permission.... It is a sweet thought to do that but in our situation it was easier for me to take my Mom to lunch one on one and tell her as well as my stepdad. They love us both and we have been together for 6.5 yrs but they don't really get the marriage because it is not legal here in Ga. and they don't agree with the "gay thing" either. I was really excited to tell my Mom but she has not been enthused with it. It may take awhile for them to adjust. I am glad my partner did not ask permission but rather we were able to enjoy the happiness and I think had she asked for permission it may have deflated the joy of it. You could throw an engagement party after and tell them if u decide not to ask permission or take them to a special dinner after to tell them. Do what u feel in your heart will really make the moment special and if you think they will take the joy out just choose a time to tell them after she says yes because that moment should be special for you both.... Hope that helps some...

chrmun

Haven't we spent enough time waiting around for other people's permission to get married?
I say don't ask, just do it.  Especially in a case where her parents aren't on board with the plan.  Consider, for a moment, where the tradition comes from.  Back in the olden days, parents would sell off their daughters as wives, so the tradition we see today is based on the negotiation of that transaction.  Daughters were property and were often traded for livestock. Not exactly romantic, right? 
Also consider what you'd do if you asked and they said, "no."  Would you marry her anyway?  Then why not skip the potential for hurt feelings and go straight to her.

Remember, it's easier to get forgiveness than permission!

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_asking-for-permission?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:337a0c22-2346-4e55-a083-6b6e7187bc50Post:e93d9c49-cfe6-44d8-afbf-6cbe71c4d5e4">Re: Asking For Permission</a>:
[QUOTE]Haven't we spent enough time waiting around for other people's permission to get married? I say don't ask, just do it.  Especially in a case where her parents aren't on board with the plan.  Consider, for a moment, where the tradition comes from.  <strong>Back in the olden days, parents would sell off their daughters as wives, so the tradition we see today is based on the negotiation of that transaction.  Daughters were property and were often traded for livestock. Not exactly romantic, right?</strong>  Also consider what you'd do if you asked and they said, "no."  Would you marry her anyway?  Then why not skip the potential for hurt feelings and go straight to her. Remember, it's easier to get forgiveness than permission!
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

this!!   I really think the concept of asking for permission to marry someone's daughter is outdated and total BS even for straight folks.   I am grown.  I get to marry whoever the fluck I want to.  As an adult, I am not someone's property to give or take.  I feel the same way about "giving me away".  I don't need to be given away.  I can have someone walk me down the aisle to make sure I don't fall on my face, but I am not being given from one person to another.

brandiabele

It was important for me that my fiance asked my father for my hand.  I am a big on tradition and it was important for me that my dad was asked permission.  It ment the world to me and to my father that before she got down on one knee she asked my dad for his baby girl.  If you take away this tradition then where do you stand on having your father walk you down the isle and having a father daughter dance?

bananabread1025

All really helpful answers. I'm kind of stuck in the middle still though. I'm a very traditional person, my lady is too but she doesn't really care whether I ask her dad or not. I guess I see it as not truly "asking for permission" but more of a ceremonial gesture.

So, I still don't know. I've got a few months to decide yet and I'm thinking that it will all come down to the last minute.

rowanmegaera

Rather than asking for permission, you might ask for their blessing.  It's kind of a nice compromise.  That's what my fiancee and I did.  After I proposed and she accepted, we went to her parents and told them that we were getting married and would like their blessing.

Lucky for us, they were ecstatic.

My family have been the ones who are electing to stay out of it.

2dBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_asking-for-permission?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:44Discussion:337a0c22-2346-4e55-a083-6b6e7187bc50Post:28c9329f-67f0-4124-89eb-8895ba6206e6">Re: Asking For Permission</a>:
[QUOTE]It was important for me that my fiance asked my father for my hand.  I am a big on tradition and it was important for me that my dad was asked permission.  It ment the world to me and to my father that before she got down on one knee she asked my dad for his baby girl.  If you take away this tradition then where do you stand on having your father walk you down the isle and having a father daughter dance?
Posted by brandiabele[/QUOTE]I think that if anyone had asked my father's permission to marry me (at either my first wedding, to a man, or my second, to a woman), the wedding would have been off!

Both of my parents walked me down the aisle at my first wedding--and both of the groom's parents walked him.  I would have had real issues with only me being escorted, and only by my father.

And I have never had a father-daughter dance.

As far as I'm concerned, traditions are valuable only to the extent they are meaningful to the couple.  And ones that are based on treating me as needing to have parental consent to get married, or being "given away" like property, would be meaningful to me only in a negative way.