Did you invite people who were opposed to your wedding?

dianemc10

Hello.

I'm so glad I found this board. A woman from etiquette suggested I come here, and I'd appreciate some feedback.

My fiancee and I are getting married on July 15. A lot of my fiancee's family have been strongly opposed to our wedding, including her grandmother who sends us almost weekly letters with passages from the bible, followed by pleas to stop living in sin, out of fear for our souls and the soul of our unborn child.

Do we invite these people, knowing that we're only going to suffer having to see a decline, or do we only surround ourselves with those that love and support us? 

K&J64

This is a really difficult question. I don't think there's a "right" answer. It's really about what feels right. And really I think you should leave it up to your FI since it's her family. It must be very painful for her not to have their support during this time. Talk to her about it and let her know that if she doesn't want to invite them, she doesn't have to. You two can just invite your family and friends that are celebrating your happiness with you, not condemning you. But also let her know if she wants to invite her entire family you support that as well. And they may come, they may not come. If they come and sit there in silence all night with a puss on their face, than fine. But if anyone says anything to her that upsets her, you will ask them to leave yourself, and that you don't care who that person is. This is exactly what I told my FI. If anyone in her family upsets her (mainly her grandmother I'm worried about too) I will personally ask her to leave. Our wedding day is about celebrating our love and commitment to each other, anyone there can join us in celebrating, shut up, or leave. I hope her grandmother comes and is able to enjoy the day with us.

And I hope you and your FI have the wedding you've always dreamed of - congratulations!

2dBride

We invited one such person to our ceremony, and one more to our reception.

For the ceremony, I invited only my immediate family and their spouses/SOs.  My sister's husband is so opposed to same-sex marriage that he tried to tell my sister she couldn't come to our wedding.  Fortunately, for once she stood up to him and came.  Her husband did not come.  Let's just say we were less than devastated by that news.

For the reception, we invited all our local friends.  There was one person in that group who had previously said that not only was he opposed to same-sex weddings, but he thought that those who favored them didn't really mean it, and were just trying to embarrass the Republicans.  However, we wanted to invite that guy's wife.  And the two of them were so much a part of our social circle that it would have been very obvious if we had left them out.  So we invited them.  They showed up, and were well behaved.  So either he has changed his mind, or he decided that bringing up his views in that context was rude.

Honestly, in your situation, I'd be inclined to invite the ones who are family that you would otherwise invite, if your FI wants to continue to have a relationship with them.  If they are really opposed, they may decline.  However, at least they will have seen that it was not you who excluded them, but vice versa.

If your FI does not want to maintain a relationship with them, then she need not invite them.  However, ultimately, it needs to be her call.  Family relationships and feelings are so complex that it really has to be the one whose family it is who makes the call.

gomark

This is the same problem i have with some of my family and some of my fiancées family. While we have members of both sides that support us there are still some who clearly don't.  In our case i think i would rather see a declined invitation then a scowl on their faces on what will be one of the happiest days of our lives.

Good luck on your big day and thank you for asking the question to which we needed answers.

jodcoffee

I am in this same boat with my parents (one reason we had an almost 2 year engagement).  I've decided that I will invite all of my close family, even those who don't necessarily agree.  If they decline, at least I don't have to bear the burden of "You didn't invite me to your wedding."  And if they come, good for them!

It's tough, but I hope it gets better for all of us!

Hang in there, Knotties!

HollyAndAsh

For us my fiance's parents are opposed to the entire situation but still treat me with kindness and respect whenever we go to visit them. When my fiance' called to tell her parents about the wedding she was a little nervous about calling them because she knew they were opposed to it. Well her Mom said "yeah, we'll come". My fiane was so excited about this. A few weeks llater though she called to ask her Dad the ultimate question about walking her down the aisle and he basically laughed in her face and told her "no". "If it was with a man then I would" was his words to her. And somehow in the same conversation he told her they wouldn't be coming at all and probably not able to make it.

Sorry for the long rant but in the end we are still going to send them an invitation and a save the date just so they know that we would like their presence there if they choose to come. There are other family members of mine as well that I am not sure of their views but I am going to invite them anyways. If they decline then that is fine, I can at least say that I invited them!

Congrats and I hope you have a fantastic wedding whichever you do decide!

tazman75

yes we invited people that where opposed some of then did come and had a good time did get alot of not attending back but let them make a choice so they can not say well you did not invite us

CelticPhoenix

As we finalize our guest list, we are running up against the same issue. We already have 100 guests that support us unconditionally but they are comprised of our "family of friends" and our immediate families (except for my sister who hasn't spoken to me in four years). My extended family on my mother's side are Pentacostal Christian Fundamentalists and many haven'ts spoken to me for years. However, I don't want to alienate my mother by excluding her family. She and I talked about it and she agreed to speak with certain members of her family and the friends she felt she wanted to share the day with and see whether they would be interested in coming or not. If not, I won't waste an invitation and we're none the worse for wear. If so, then clearly they are at least supporting my mom - and by default, getting to attend a wedding of a same sex couple that clearly loves each other. While I don't want anyone there who is downright opposed to our relationship, it wouldn't hurt to open a few eyes while we're at it! Good luck!!!

LesAnn2007

We did - my partner's parents aren't supportive (the rest of the family is OK). Since they're her parents, we figured we'd go ahead and invite them and see what happened, even though they changed the subject when we told them about our engagement. When we didn't hear from them by the RSVP date, my dad sent them a wonderfully kind letter saying how much he wanted to meet them, etc. It was really heartbreaking. Eventually my partner's dad decided to attend, and it was fantastic. But my mother-in-law stayed home. We have basically no relationship with her.

jenjessi1812

No we are not inviting anyone who doesn't support us and our children in the life together.  We only need people there that support us.  There is no reason for us to pay for a meal for someone who doesn't think we should be together.

my 2 cents

AllieW5

We are inviting family who are opposed to gay marriage, but most of them are not going to stand up in the middle of the ceremony and object (not that we're giving them the option!) so we feel like we're safe on that front. Several will probably decline. At least one said, no joke: "Well, I've never been to one before so maybe it will be fun" even though she is vehemently opposed to gay marriage. Maybe we'll change her mind!

The way I feel about it is that all it'll cost you is the price of the invitation and if they don't attend, you're in the moral high ground. If they do attend, you could change their minds (although don't hold your breath).