Question for same sex couples (sort of long)

like_fireworks

I have two mothers and I couldn't be more proud of my family. My fiance is 100% accepting of my family background and I feel very fortunate for that. His family, however, is another story. They are VERY openly homophobic, and I often feel uncomfortable in their presence. They do not know about my family, and I would like to keep it that way to keep their relationship with their son intact. My parents know their view points, and seem uneasy about meeting his family as a result. My fiance wants to hold a "meeting of the families" sort of thing with our sets of parents pre-wedding, and I really don't think it's a good idea. I told him I would rather wait to bring the families together in a bigger event, where my parents will blend in more and feel more comfortable than being sat at a table with two people who are openly against and often downright hateful about same sex couples. He says I am acting hateful towards his family but I feel like I am just trying to protect my moms and keep them from having to face hatred at what should be a happy affair. I think our wedding should be a celebration and not a chance for his family to demean mine or tell their son he is "evil" (one of their favorite words) for supporting my mothers. I would like any input on this situation. What do you think I should do, or what would be a fair compromise? I am going to talk to my parents about it soon, but I would like some ideas before I do.

mattmike

You are definitely in a tough situation....
My partner and I agreed from day one that we would never let our families get in the middle of us and that if family did not support us, it was their problem and we would continue on with our life. Furthermore, when planning our wedding, if someone disapproved, we would prefer them not be there.

The same should be said with your families -- if one family disapproves of the other family, they either come to the wedding and get along with everyone or not come at all. You should not have to hide your family from your soon-to-be new extended family. I would be open and honest about it and you could be pleasantly suprised how accepting they are when it hits close to home with them. If they are blatantly phobic about your parents, I would lay down ground rules that if they attend the wedding, they need to be cordial toward everyone (including your 2 moms), and if not, then they are not welcome.

This is one of those situations you need to be open and honest with every family member about and deal with it early on rather than later.

like_fireworks

Thank you very much for that advice. I brought up the "everyone gets along or they don't come" rule to my fiance and he said he would feel rude not to invite his family. I told them they can come under the condition they are polite and respectful to mine. We are having dinner with his parents later in the week and I am going to tell them then, and their reaction will probably determine what happens. It is a difficult situation, but I want to make it work in anyway that I can. I love my moms and I just don't want them having to face intolerance at the hands of my future in laws.

HappyLady86

I think what you suggested is a fair compromise. As you said, this is a time to celebrate the love b/w you and your fiance, not an opportunity for his family to make your moms uncomfortable. I don't think its asking too much for people to put their silly prejudice aside for one day and be respectful of the people you love.

krmm0903

I agree that your fiance's parents should be told beforehand. Even if they don't like the news and try to sway their son from (god forbid) marrying you because of your moms, then they will be at least warned and this is not "SUPRISE!" on your wedding day. That could definitely spell disaster. As much as you are marrying his family, you are foremost marrying him. And, if it were me, so long as he can deal with you having 2 moms....that's the most critical.

I understand you also wanting to protect your parents, but tell them your concerns and fears also. I'm sure they've been through a lot of discrimination, as a couple and as same-sex parents. The seasoned of us have thicker skin and have experience in dealing with people the sounds of your future in-laws! Good luck and blessings to you!

And, BTW, if you need a laugh and some tension relief watch The Birdcage.

2dBride

Honestly, tough as the situation is, I think you need to trust the people in your life.  You can tell your moms about your FI's parents' hostility, and they can make their own decision about whether to meet.  And if your FI thinks it is time to tell his parents, you need to trust his judgment on that.  His relationship with them will only get weaker, not stronger, if you keep him from telling them something he is ready to tell.

At the moment, you seem to be taking all the responsibility on yourself--to protect your moms from your future ILs and to protect your FI from his own parents.  That will only stress you out, and deny them the opportunity to make their own decisions.

And your future ILs need to know before the wedding.  You really do not want to have a big blow-up between your ILs and your moms on your wedding day.

The other thing you should know is that it may go better than you think.  My BIL is openly homophobic, so my sister tried to hide the fact I was in a same-sex relationship from him.  However, when he finally found out, he was fine with it.  First off, when most people object to homosexuality, they are talking about male homosexuality.  (Yes, that is ridiculous and discriminatory, but true.)  And secondly, a lot of people who are homophobic in theory make exceptions in their own mind for gay friends and family.

mhbwedding

Im in a similar situation.  Not only is my fiance's father hateful towards the gay community he's also extremely racist.  So imagine his face when he finds out his son is gay and engaged to a black man.  We joke about his father, but he really is a living "Archie Bunker".  To be honest I wouldn't mind if he doesnt come, and as bad I would like him to have a better relationship with his family I really don't want them there if they are going to have sour faces on.  Also my father grew up be discriminated against bc of his color and it could get pretty ugly if his father gives me one wrong look.  We haven't decided what to do, but Im glad that we can be completely honest with each other so he knows I'm in no rush to meet them or have them there at the the wedding

like_fireworks

I greatly appreciate all of your comments and support. I am talking to my parents about it tomorrow and we will be telling his parents within the week. I am hoping it will turn into a positive situation as it did with my fiance. When I told him he said "ok," shrugged and said "so when do I get to meet the women who raised such as amazing daughter?" I know his family couldn't sway him from marrying me, but it's still a difficult situation.
mhbwedding I am sorry to hear about your situation. No one deserves sour faces for being in love, least of all on their wedding day. I hope everything works out for you and I wish you all the best.