Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Gay Weddings
Heatherjenna
member
My grandma dilemma
in Gay Weddings
hello all,
It's been a bit of time since my last post. FI and I are having a backyard ceremony and reception at my parents house. We are having 65-70 people, mostly all family. My FI is out to both of her grandparents, and they have been very supportive and accepting. Her grandmother had a gay brother, so was quite used to the idea long before FI came around, and her other set of grandparents had experienced another gay granddaughter before FI came along, paving the way. On to me: I have one surviving grandparent. My grandmother is mid eighties and means the world to me. We have always had a special bond EXCEPT for when it comes to my sexuality. I am in the closet. My younger cousin told our grandma that she had a girlfriend and she reacted badly, saying it was a shame and that she hoped it was for attention. Hearing how she reacted, I am very unsure of coming out to my grandmother and inviting her to the wedding. It really breaks my heart because I know that I WANT her there as she is the single most person I look up to. I can just see the hurt on her face when I tell her that my "roommate" is actually my fiancée, whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with. My family is torn on what to do and in giving me advice. Half say I need to tell her, that the hurt would be more to have been kept in the dark, and the other half say she should just be kept in the dark, as "ignorance is bliss". My grandma has met my FI on several occasions, as my "roommate" and seems to like her quite a bit.
Any input is greatly appreciated. I feel like in my heart the "right" thing is to tell her....but the thought of her being so hurt is stopping me.
It's been a bit of time since my last post. FI and I are having a backyard ceremony and reception at my parents house. We are having 65-70 people, mostly all family. My FI is out to both of her grandparents, and they have been very supportive and accepting. Her grandmother had a gay brother, so was quite used to the idea long before FI came around, and her other set of grandparents had experienced another gay granddaughter before FI came along, paving the way. On to me: I have one surviving grandparent. My grandmother is mid eighties and means the world to me. We have always had a special bond EXCEPT for when it comes to my sexuality. I am in the closet. My younger cousin told our grandma that she had a girlfriend and she reacted badly, saying it was a shame and that she hoped it was for attention. Hearing how she reacted, I am very unsure of coming out to my grandmother and inviting her to the wedding. It really breaks my heart because I know that I WANT her there as she is the single most person I look up to. I can just see the hurt on her face when I tell her that my "roommate" is actually my fiancée, whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with. My family is torn on what to do and in giving me advice. Half say I need to tell her, that the hurt would be more to have been kept in the dark, and the other half say she should just be kept in the dark, as "ignorance is bliss". My grandma has met my FI on several occasions, as my "roommate" and seems to like her quite a bit.
Any input is greatly appreciated. I feel like in my heart the "right" thing is to tell her....but the thought of her being so hurt is stopping me.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My grandma dilemma
My $0.02 is that one thing that helps people to become more open to gay people is when they learn that people that they already know and love are gay.
There were a couple members of my family that were decidedly anti-gay before I came out. As they came to realize that gay people were not some sort of mythical creatures that lived far away, but actual people just like their brother, cousin, etc., they really changed their perspective.
I had to tell my great-aunt who is 88 yrs. old from an African- American deeply religious Baptist family. She is like my grandmother, which who passed telling me she knew what I was doing and for me to be happy with myself the way I was, and loves me to do death. She is so steeped in religion I was scared to death to tell her. She and other family members would talk about those "homosexuals" and the shame they bring on their families at every family reunion.
But i knew how my family gossiped and had to tell her what I was and who i was with. She had met my FI alot of times and thought she was just my bff. The day i told her she did alot of no and are you sure, but told me she still loved me very much. It took time but she will tell you happily " My niece is only 3 generations from slavery and is a good Christian, with agood job,, future wife and four children." She still don't really like to concept of me being a "homosexual", but she do love me being with a person who loves me and calls her Auntee Ruru!!!!!!!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_grandma-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:acec17ae-8aa2-4738-a340-fb3d5c8400c2Post:79e15ee0-867b-4286-9080-83051a1f1f86">Re: My grandma dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]I had to tell my great-aunt who is 88 yrs. old from an African- American deeply religious Baptist family. She is like my grandmother, which who passed telling me she knew what I was doing and for me to be happy with myself the way I was, and loves me to do death. She is so steeped in religion I was scared to death to tell her. She and other family members would talk about those "homosexuals" and the shame they bring on their families at every family reunion. But i knew how my family gossiped and had to tell her what I was and who i was with. She had met my FI alot of times and thought she was just my bff. The day i told her she did alot of no and are you sure, but told me she still loved me very much. It took time but she will tell you happily " My niece is only 3 generations from slavery and is a good Christian, with agood job,, future wife and four children." She still don't really like to concept of me being a "homosexual", but she do love me being with a person who loves me and calls her Auntee Ruru!!!!!!!
Posted by nicknuttnc[/QUOTE]
Bestly, stop trolling and get a life.
Heatherjenna, I have to think that if you and your grandma are close she will come to accept who you are. Who knows she may already have an inkling.
Your wedding is far enough in advance that she has a chance to possibly be mad for a little while, then get over it. Good luck to you!
Our wedding bio page (including vendor reviews) and items for sale
I had a similar dilemma. My suggestions to you would be to bring your partner around her often and have them get to know each other better before you break the news. Also, if she is the religious type, suggest her speaking to a bishop for direction and support. This is how my nan was able to deal with our relationship. Our wedding is in July and I think and hope that she would have had ample time to get passed the religious views on us and be happy for both of us and involve herself as much as she wants.
Hope this helps some!
Carla.
However, I agree with telling your grandmother. You've implied that she and Fl seem to like other - that's a plus right there. I agree with carlaroxanne, have them spend more time together, even some time together without you present, that may help in the bonding process. Other than that, all you have to do is express your love for your grandmother, how much she means to you, and how happy her prescence in your life has made you.
Tell her, give her time to process, and I'm sure she will come around. She comes from a very different era, and it may be difficult for her to understand. All of her beliefs are being questioned. Love her, express how much you love Fl, and what Fl means to you, in your life.
It may not hurt to have her daughter, your mom, or someone she has some trust in there also. After all this is a family affair. Your grandma may need the support of others to help her understand what all of this means, and they can set an example of acceptance . You don't have to do this in a vacuume of fear. Cliche, yes, however this can be a wonderful expression of love for everyone involved. Don't miss this opportunity.
Good luck, and best wishes.
That would be a sad decision. It's really too bad that you have that sentiment. It must be very difficult for you.