Advice for my BM?

em01092

Hey there everyone,

I'm here about one of my BMs and oldest friends. She is engaged to her partner of about 8 months. My friend is out to everyone, but her fiance is not. This is becoming a very stressful situation for my friend, because now that they are engaged, she feels like her partner should be telling her family what is going on. My friend sort of feels as though her fiance is ashamed or embarrassed, but I think she is afraid of how her family will react and wants to tell them on her own time so she can maintain some kind of relationship with them. The fiance is out to basically everyone but a few close family members, as I understand it. The fact that her lifestyle, let alone the engagement, is still a secret from some is weighing on their wedding planning (though they are not getting married for quite some time- almost 2 years). 

Since I'm straight, I'm having a hard time relating but I still want to help and offer her good suggestions. I would also be upset if the person I was in a relationship with could not be honest about us, but I also know that the circumstances are different. Should the fiance come out asap or should my friend wait until her fiance feels it is right? I would just appreciate some guidance on what advice I can offer her because I want her to be happy. 

Thank you!

K&J64

When your friend's FI comes out to her family is completely up to her. Your friend doesn't really get a say. She knew she was in the closet to some of her family already, thinking an engagement should change that is not fair. The FI is the one who's relationships with her family are at stake. My best advice is tell you friend to supportive of whatever her FI wants to do. If she cannot handle her FI no being out to her whole family that's really her problem. My FI didn't come out to ANY of her family until after our engagement. It was on her time and her terms  because it's her family. I supported her 100% in that. It's so scary not knowing if you'll lose a family member simply by being honest about who you are. Especially someone you're close to like a sibling or parent. It something I couldn't even fathom as my family is very supportive and I've been out to them since I was a teenager.

If the stress of letting her FI come out at her own pace is too much for your FI she can try to talk to her about it, but she needs to understand that only her FI can decide when it will happen, and trying to make it happen on your freind's schedule could put a stress on their relationship.

Tell her to enjoy being in love and engaged, and to be grateful for the support they do have right now - like you!

jessporras

I would agree with the previous reply.  Everyone's coming out process is different, and it's really important to let the person own it.  If I were your friend, I would begin moving forward as if her finance is not going to come out in time for the wedding.  That way, there is no deadline for her finance to come out- because that is the worst pressure!  I would sit down and figure out what obstacles are coming up in the wedding planning and find alternatives/options.   

suit10

It must be hard enough that she "needs" to come out to her family - let alone that she has to tell them she will be getting married!! I'd advised to just be supportive to whenever she wants to come out. And I only speak by experience, cause my brother is gay and he hasn't come out to my parents (and both of them are completely anti-gay) so I can imagine how dificult it may be.

Good luck to your friend!!!

coxandclapp

It looks like I'm the odd one out here, but I think that you shouldn't propose until you are ready for the people you care about to know. If it's still a secret, then it takes the joy out of texting your friends and family the night of the proposal. I agree that everyone should come out on their own terms and timing, but it should be over and done with by the time you're engaged. I think that if your friend's fiancee is serious about their relationship, then its time to come out. It will be one of the hardest things she's probably ever done, but I think if you're asking someone to marry you, its time to take that leap.

Fabi&Nita

I would have to agree with the ladies that say your friend need to let her FI come out when she is ready. My FI been out since she was 15 and I was out to friends since 16 but not to my family till about 3yrs ago. My FI and I had been together for a year before I told my family, but I still haven't told my grandpa that I'm lesbian or that I'm getting married. Even if i feel like he knows, I haven't said it out lould that I am. It has nothing to do with being embarrassed or ashamed, it's just hard to come out to some members of your family. Your friend need to be understaning and let her FI come out when she's ready.

kp240

The fact of the matter is that people tell friends and family in their own time. Saddly, some of them never do. Choosing between losing close friends and family, and keeping that secret is not easy. Your BM's FI will need a lot of support either way. I do feel like it's important for your BM to feel acknowledged and heard. It sounds like they need to sit down and really listen to each other. They both should make a decision about how they want to live, and whether or not they can both be happy and secure together.

Wishing them the best of luck and all the happiness in the world!