Best Man is Gay, Boyfriend of Bridesmaid's Boyfriend Homophobic

kat5689

Hello,

I am delighted that my fiance's best friend will be best man at our wedding. (this person happens to be gay). I am concerned that one of my bridesmaids' boyfriend (who I have recently found out is homophobic), will say something or do something embarrassing at our wedding.  I do not want the best man's feelings hurt, but short of asking my bridesmaid to step down becuase of the bad behavior of her boyfriend what can I do?  I am not going to ask the best man to step down and actually plan on inviting his partner to the wedding also - the born - again Christians in the family who have objections can deal with it or leave (they do not know that a gay couple will be in attendance and I do not feel the need to spread my friend's sexual preference around.  Any advice?

2dBride

My suggestion would be to speak directly to the bridesmaid in question, since I assume she is the one you are closest to.  You could just say that there will be gay people at the wedding (without even needing to specify who they are), and that it is really important to you that her bf keep his opinions on this subject to himself.

AmeliaAndSeth8890

I sort of like PPs suggestion to talk to her regarding boyfriend, but at the same time it really is not her "job" to keep her boyfriend in check. I think it might help, if she is willing to.

However, you really cannot ask anyone to step-down over this - neither the bridesmaid nor the best man. The wedding activities will not revolve around any of the WP's sexuality and hopefully the bridesmaid's bf can be an adult IF he even knows anyone is not straight. If it isn't made a big deal of, I feel it is somewhat a non-issue.

Since you said you recently found out - does this mean you never knew because he is a "new-ish" boyfriend or you never knew because he normally does not do anything in public at least that is rude? Depending on that answer, it might change how you deal with talking to your bridemaid about it. Mostly though, I would just let adults try to be adults and if he makes a scene/fool out of himself, it reflects poorly on him, not you or your FI. Don't worry too much over this.

SeptemberFall2011

You could just not say anything to him.  And if the boyfriend does act like a total ass to the happy couple-he will look immature and leave a bad taste in the guests.  You can't control everything.  Or protect everyone.

theboy16

The exact response to fears of homophobic problems at my wedding was, it's one day and they can suck it up and expressing concerns is perfectly acceptable. You have to remember this is your day and if someone cant be respectful to others they can leave.  For me it is a little more complicated. I work at venue where my wedding and reception is to be held, and can't have guests act a fool. I have hand picked the employees that will be working my event and they all have been instructed to report any ill behavior back to me immediately and I can decide accordingly.

SSaltzman87

I wouldn't kick out the BM simply for the boyfriend's actions/thoughts, that wouldn't be fair at all. But it wouldn't hurt to bring it up to her so she can be on the lookout, chances are she already knows her boyfriend's a homophobe. If he makes an arse of himself-that's his problem, not yours.

Simply Fated

I wouldn't say anything to the bridesmaid... and I certainly don't think you should ask her to step down. She shouldnt' be punished because her boyfriend is an ass. She is going out with the ass, that's punishment enough.
If the boyfriend says anything homophobic during the wedding, then it will only reflect badly on him. I think it would be absolutely appropriate to have him leave if he starts drama. You don't have to do it yourself, you can have a staff member handle it.
I honestly dont' think he'll say anything, though. Most homophobic and racist people keep their mouths shut when in social situations involving people they aren't familiar with.

fulloflove

I was just in a wedding with my wife and it was probably fairly obvious. Some of the people in the wedding don't approve, we knew from previous conversations with our best friends. Nobody said anything to us and we all had a good time. We would have never known anybody felt opposed if we hadn't heard prior.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless the boyfriend has no social skills.

K&J64

I agree with PP, don't say anything. If the man has absolutely no manners and has the nerve to say something to your BM than ask him to leave, plain and simple. And when you BM wants to know what let her know that you will not tolerate your guests being mistreated by a bigot, period. But I seriously doubt that will happen, let him set there in silene and let your BM and his partner enjoy themselves!

sheenammeder

Don't let her boyfriend come!
Or- talk to her about it! He doesn't deserve to attend the wedding with such a ridiculous phobia where he might offend, hurt or insult someone who is actually in the wedding party. Sorry but the best man trumps the bridesmaids boyfriend in this scenario!

shawnkohrs80

I personally would say something. Any "potential" added drama will not be needed on this day! Thats the last thing you need is this guy getting drunk and starting something. Tell it how it is honey. This is your day... Congratulations to both of you by the way. If your Bridesmaid doesn't have enough respect for you to understand, then she shouldn't be apart of your wedding. Just ask her to keep him on a leash at least.

Best of luck to you both!!

shawnkohrs80

To add to my last post. I was a groomsmen for one of my good friends about two years ago. The Groom failed to tell one of his other groomsmen (a homophobe) I was gay. This later turned into a BIG mistake for the Groom. I was the host of the bachelor party. All 6 groomsmen arrived at my house we began drinking. Shortly after they arrived we decided to go to dinner. After dinner this homophobic groomsmen approached me and tried to stab me with his pocket knife. That groomsmen then spent the weekend in jail. We were all able to fight him off until the cops arrived. He is now no longer friends with anyone of that wedding party. But my life was very much at risk, this was a very scary experience for me!!

What I am saying is sometimes we don't know people and how strongly they feel about things. Therefore... tackle this problem before its a bigger issue then it needs to be!!

lfire

I totally agree with sheenammeder. It sounds like you don't even know her BF so why do you need to invite him? I still think having a conversation beforehand is wise. At least it gives her the chance to understand where you are coming from. Also, I think it sounds horrible to be worried during your wedding about whether the homophob is going to say something hurtful to someone who you really do care about (ie the best man and your future partner). My guess is that the BF doesn't care about being at your wedding anyways if he doesn't hardly know you and there's going to be a gay (*gasp*) person there.

Good luck!

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