The closer we get the drama erupts

daniec

I have to vent.

I sent out the invitations on Saturday. We are getting married June 27th. All guests were already aware of the date via the save the date back in August. I called my grandma just to say hello. She brought up that she got her invitation. I asked her if she planned on attending. She hedged and said she didn't feel comfortable flying on a small plane from SC to NC. She wants to ask my aunt to give her a lift.

Basically she wants my aunt to be her +1. My Aunt still refers to my partner of 9 years as my "friend". I told my grandma that I did not invite her daughter because she is not gay friendly. She suggested I call my aunt and ask her. I told her I had no intentions to do so since I know where she stands on religion and gay people. I offered to ask my mom if she would pick her up as she drives up from FL. She said ok.

I call mom and she says grandma needs to call her and ask. She thinks grandma doesn't want to hurt my feelings and tell me she doesn't feel comfortable coming. I told her grandma can tell me the truth. I only want people there who want to be there. I would love for her to come since she is the only family member on my dad's side that I invited.

I knew the drama would start as soon as the invitations were sent out! How have you all dealt with passive family members?

Thanks

Dana

2dBride

I think all you can do is to say that your mother has indicated her willingness if grandma calls and asks.  However, you do need to be prepared for the fact thtat grandma may be using this as an excuse for not coming.  And unfortunately, if she doesn't want to come, there is nothing you can do to make her want to come.

daniec

Thanks 2dbride. I am comfortable with grandma not coming.

More drama-- Mom tells me she got into a fight with my aunt (her sister). My aunt thinks I should invite all family members. I am only inviting close friends and family to stay within budget. Mom tells aunt this. Aunt tells her it is because mom isn't contributing. Mom yells at her that her daughters aren't gay and that this is a non traditional wedding i.e. not a man and woman. Aunt yells back that it IS a wedding. She tells my aunt that she wouldn't be so conforming if it was one of her daughters. She also tells aunt that she has had to adjust to me being gay. I tell her I know she's had to adjust. She tells me she is STILL adjusting.

I've been out for 11 years. I am in a bit of  a shock that she felt comfortable enough to spill such hate at me. I don't even know if I should address this in another conversation with her. What to do?

My aunt was reacting strongly to the fact that mom is not coming to our couples shower. My aunt is coming in from NJ. She doesn't get why mom won't make the trip up from FL.

misha444

I feel bad your family is causing so much drama.

Sometimes i think I'm lucky that I know for sure no one in my family will come and I don't even have to involve them in any way, shape, or form with the wedding.

Good luck!

daniec

Thanks Misha!

My mother sure knows how to send mixed messages. I just got off the phone with her. She got her invitation and wanted me to know that they look excellent and to let my fiancee know she did a great job. She was going on about how excited she is to be coming.

I asked her what she meant by "non traditional wedding". She says she meant we aren't getting married in a chuch. I told her I wanted to make sure we were using the terminology the same way i.e. that she didn't mean were weren't a man and a woman. She said she thinks of a traditional wedding as a church wedding.

I didn't get into the other stuff. I could sense her getting ready to start a fight. I'm not interested into going into a big battle with her. *sigh*

Part of me wishes I had just eloped. The fighter in me keeps saying this is my wedding. I'm trying to keep up my mantra-- Celebrate my life my way...

bede

I agree with you my partner and I have decided the same thing we are about to send ours out as well and her sister is acting like an azz, sister or not if she not for you and the one you love then dont come. I know you love your grandma, but this is your day. Have be happy and do you.  

det1969

Those who support will be there, those who don't...don't need to be. No need to look over and have to see someone with a long face on your special day. My attitude is screw those who can't recognize my love of another humna being with respect no matter their sexual orientation. This includes my own family!

cosy1

I got engaged to my finacee the day after she met my mother for the first time....my moms still "adjusting" but she is trying her best even though I know she does not agree with it in any way shape or form. Im thirty years old and was married to a man for 7 years... so understandably she is a little confused...but anyway I havent told her about the wedding yet although im well underway with the planning process. I want her there but im so afraid of drama.....when would be a good time to tell her?

daniec

Planning this wedding has made me realize even more so that my fiancee and I are a tight family. Once I let go of wanting Mom's approval, I was able to not care about her insecurities. It was certainly a process! My aunt and friends have stepped up to provide such solid support.

My mom has made it clear she isn't happy that I am gay. She plans on showing up and being polite. Our relationship will be cordial/superficial going forward.

Keep in mind, you will have alot of friends and family whom support you at the wedding. My supportive family has made it clear that they will not let anyone ruin the big day. Maybe your mom would act appropriately since she would be out numbered by your supportive friends and family. I wish I could say there is a "good time" to tell her. There isn't. The sooner you tell her, the more time it gives her to process the whole wedding.

You may have several conversations with your mom about your relationship leading up to your wedding. It's a hard road. Keep in mind that you are starting your family with your partner. Good luck to you cosy1.

Dana