XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists

joyfulbride424

I'm so over it. Yesterday I had my shower at FMILs house. All anyone could talk about was bringing plus ones. I was so stressed the whole shower because that is literally what everyone talked about for about for about an hour out of the 3 hour shower. These are all people that I don't know - they are family friends of FIs parents and are all friends with each other - she invited over 70+ people some with "low/no" probability, and they are rsvping yes, which is also stressing me out. And now they want Susie-16year old to bring a plus one and are miffed that I didn't include that on the invitation.

FI stuck up for my family this morning after I left and FMIL said to FI this morning, "well Joys bridesmaid is bringing her boyfriend (who happens to be a close friend), why can't Susie 16 year old bring her boyfriend? That's a double standard"

I know everybody has their opinions about guests and bringing plus ones but FIs family seems like they just.don't.get.it. It's about money, and it's about max capacity in the venue, and they just want to keep adding people without us getting RSVPs to say no. I have told them myself and FI has told them its about money and its about max capacity but they think that their version of etiquette trumps logic, and they are banking on people saying no before we even get the RSVP back!

I'm just so tired of fighting about guest lists, and I'm looking forward to the day of the wedding and the planning being OVER. I thought my shower was supposed to be a day where I relaxed and opened gifts and people asked me about our plans for the future but intead it just turned into the most stressful day of the wedding planning yet. I looked at photos of myself from yesterday and I don't even look happy or cute, I just look stressed.

Sorry this is so long, but if you think of it just pray for me - I don't understand why this is so hard for them to get. I'm so frustrated and it feels like nobody gets how stressful this is - even people who have been through this in the past! You'd think people who had been through it would understand!

rachelea

Aw Joy, I'm praying for you!!!! That really sucks And it sucks even more than it had to ruin your shower!!! I hope it gets better for you and at least Matt is being awesome and sticking up for you! That's the measure of a great man

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-stressed-tired-of-fighting-over-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:137ad0f0-bd7e-406e-9269-9eb2c009fb5dPost:f0c3ac50-784c-4294-a89f-943e94920c57">Re: XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw Joy, I'm praying for you!!!! That really sucks :( And it sucks even more than it had to ruin your shower!!! I hope it gets better for you and at least Matt is being awesome and sticking up for you! <strong>That's the measure of a great man :)</strong>
Posted by rachelea[/QUOTE]

That is my silver lining today :) I just love him for sticking up for me!

GJones27

Wow I'm sorry to hear that!  Actually, it's quite rude for guests to complain about +1's not being invited, especially if it's the significant other of a 16-year-old.  You don't really know that girl, but your bridesmaid is in your wedding party.  I think whoever was hosting should have done their share to turn the topic of conservation to another.  And it's definitely not appropriate at a bridal shower.

I think it's natural for all of us to fight with parents over guest lists.  I fought a lot with my mom over the guest list.  She invited a massive group of her friends, and she keeps telling me that my friends aren't going to fly from the opposite coast/abroad for the wedding.  That would always drive me nuts, because she thinks my friends don't care enough to come.  And guess what... they are coming, even as far away as Japan.  It also drove me nuts last week that my mom repackaged an invite I sent her and sent it to someone I don't even know without asking me.  We've already invited 40 people above our max capacity.

Yeah, unfortunately, mothers think it's their wedding, too, and they forget that their daughters want an intimate wedding surrounded by people they know.  I haven't figured out how to deal with this situation, but since my mom is paying, I ended up having to acquiesce to all of her requests.  Even when I initially said no, I somehow I ended up losing the battle eventually.  But if you guys are paying, I would maybe just suggest that if they want to invite so many people, then they should pay for those extra guests. 

GJones27

Hey look!  I just saw someone with the same conundrum as you on the E board, and people overwhelming said that 16-year-olds don't get +1's.

http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette

If this doesn't take you to the actual page, scroll down to the topic "Age cutoff for a +1?"

kellya01

Oh joyful ... I totally get you.  I have a few guests that we're going " no kids, no guests, just them" (they aren't married and don't have any significant others... in fact they often have LOTS of "others"), and we just can't afford unlimited guests.  It's tough, but we're already pushing the budget WAY up to invite 170 people (max of 125 in original budget, parents are paying and they wanted to help us invite more of our friends).  Anyway... I'll pray for you to de-stress and get through the mess!  I'm so sorry that your shower wasn't as enjoyable as it should have been.  :-/ 

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-stressed-tired-of-fighting-over-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:137ad0f0-bd7e-406e-9269-9eb2c009fb5dPost:7f3b58ab-057e-4532-8a29-d4fe28fda08f">Re: XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh joyful ... I totally get you.  I have a few guests that we're going " no kids, no guests, just them" (they aren't married and don't have any significant others... in fact they often have LOTS of "others"), and we just can't afford unlimited guests.  It's tough, but we're already pushing the budget WAY up to invite 170 people (max of 125 in original budget, parents are paying and they wanted to help us invite more of our friends).  Anyway... I'll pray for you to de-stress and get through the mess!  I'm so sorry that your shower wasn't as enjoyable as it should have been.  :-/ 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

Same situation - just 25 people difference!! oy!

Thanks for the prayers ladies. I am feeling much better this afternoon. It will work itself out. Why do we put ourselves through this torture?? :P

iamjoesgurl

So sorry to hear about this.  People can be so petty.  I don't understand people expecting to be invited or expecting to be invited with their flavor of the month.  A 16-year old's boyfriend will probably be long gone in a few years (if they even last that long) so what's the point.  He probably doesn't even want to come.  Anyway, I feel so bad for you having to go through this.  

DH and I paid for the majority of our wedding and I basically told my parents early on that this was our wedding and we would want to have our friends there.  I told my mom that if I wanted to invite any of her friends, I would.  DH's mom was very respectful of our desire to keep our guest list low and only invite our friends and family.  There were some people that she wanted to invite that DH had never even met and I really didn't want to but it wasn't very many people and they didn't end up coming anyway.  I am only saying this to say that I am thankful we didn't have to go through what you are going through but I will pray for you and this situation.

AshNoel8

So sorry, Joy. That's rough. I am giving my BM's +1's if they want to bring someone, and those family members/friends in serious relationships who are adults (I would say probably even out of college). That's it. No 16-year-olds, no one who just started dating someone recently, etc. If your FI's mom's friends/family aren't paying for the extra people, they shouldn't expect them to be invited. It's actually kind of weird that they would even bring that up, being that they don't know you. My FI's mom's friends are invited and their kids (who are our age), but those our-age kids aren't getting a +1 either. 

So sorry that your shower wasn't as nice as it should have been. You still have one more though, right? 

PS- I still want to see pics, even if you think you looked stressed- I bet you looked great! 

joyfulbride424

Thanks Joesgurl and AshNoel - I appreciate it.


FH looks exhausted from busy season, and I somehow look grey, because of my dumb makeup. I'm also glowing like the sun.

p.s. I wore an old dress because I have no money to buy new stuff

LeahVB2011

Nathan and I fought a lot over the guest list. It was a pain to get it to a comfortable spot. My wedding is a semi-formal wedding at 2pm so people can get away with plus one. We are just doing a finger food buffet, punch and cake and we didn't even include an RSVP with the invitations. I'm freaked because I don't know how many to expect at all. It's ridiculous that people can't just respect that this is indeed the bride's day and to let her do what she wants. Some people take it to extreme (bridezillas) but for the most part a bride's demands like 16 yearolds plus one. Okay I'm off my soap box haha

BTW Joy, you and Matt look great

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-stressed-tired-of-fighting-over-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:137ad0f0-bd7e-406e-9269-9eb2c009fb5dPost:b1d1125b-c1e4-4b61-a08c-2ace5057bced">XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so over it. Yesterday I had my shower at FMILs house. All anyone could talk about was bringing plus ones. I was so stressed the whole shower because that is literally what everyone talked about for about for about an hour out of the 3 hour shower.  thought my shower was supposed to be a day where I relaxed and opened gifts and people asked me about our plans for the future but intead it just turned into the most stressful day of the wedding planning yet. I looked at photos of myself from yesterday and I don't even look happy or cute, I just look stressed. :( Sorry this is so long, but if you think of it just pray for me - I don't understand why this is so hard for them to get. I'm so frustrated and it feels like nobody gets how stressful this is - even people who have been through this in the past! You'd think people who had been through it would understand! :(
Posted by joyfulbride424[/QUOTE]

I only quoted part of your post because it was a little long.  :)

First, be happy that you got a shower.  Neither of my MOH's (I have 2) or any of my BMs plan on giving me a shower.  I am normally the one who plans the showers for weddings and babies, and since I'm actually the bride there is no one to plan the shower... so I don't get one.  At all.  Please be thankful that you had a shower to be at, people who wanted to bless you and your marriage and your home.  Yes wedding planning is stressful...  you are blending cultures and families and expectations.  But you are LOVED and you have been blessed by those people.  I'm sure you did NOT mean to, but to someone in my situation it was a little hurtful.  I would love to have a shower, even if it meant that people would gripe a little about Susie's +1.

Second, I can totally relate about the +1.  My FI is Latino, and they have been spreading the word of our wedding like wildfire...  we have absolutely no idea who will show up and who they will bring.  Instead of a +1, it's more like a +family.  I've given up being stressed about it.  We are having a certain amount of food brought to serve 325 people, and if we run out then we run out.  In his culture, a wedding is not an exclusive event.  Everyone comes, and everyone brings someone.  You may not even KNOW that person but they come and enjoy the food and fun. 

I hope you and your FI can work out the +1s.  It's such a pain!

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-stressed-tired-of-fighting-over-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:137ad0f0-bd7e-406e-9269-9eb2c009fb5dPost:d712e67d-eab8-490c-a21c-9c3d2def76f3">Re: XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists :<strong>First, be happy that you got a shower.  Neither of my MOH's (I have 2) or any of my BMs plan on giving me a shower. </strong> I am normally the one who plans the showers for weddings and babies, and since I'm actually the bride there is no one to plan the shower... so I don't get one.  At all.  Please be thankful that you had a shower to be at, people who wanted to bless you and your marriage and your home.  Yes wedding planning is stressful...  you are blending cultures and families and expectations.  But you are LOVED and you have been blessed by those people.  I'm sure you did NOT mean to, but to someone in my situation it was a little hurtful.  I would love to have a shower, even if it meant that people would gripe a little about Susie's +1.<strong> Second, I can totally relate about the +1.  My FI is Latino, and they have been spreading the word of our wedding like wildfire... </strong> we have absolutely no idea who will show up and who they will bring.  Instead of a +1, it's more like a +family.  I've given up being stressed about it.  We are having a certain amount of food brought to serve 325 people, and if we run out then we run out.  In his culture, a wedding is not an exclusive event.  Everyone comes, and everyone brings someone.  You may not even KNOW that person but they come and enjoy the food and fun.  I hope you and your FI can work out the +1s.  It's such a pain!
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

I am thankful that I got a shower  - and I should have put that in there. I am grateful that people took the time out to do this for me.

As far as the plus one thing goes - thank you for understanding :) we actually went to a Latino wedding and it was huge! haha, so many people! We have a load of Latino (along with many other cultures!)  in our church and so yea, word spread like wildfire.

ETA: This will be the last thing I say about this because I'm tired of dirtying up this board with a complaining spirit.

mrandmrsbrist

What is wrong with standing your ground and saying, "We don't have room for everyone on the guest list to bring a plus one and so only certian people were invited with them." I don't see why you have to explain your reasoning or even be upset about it. People are people and they're going to do stupid and rude things. It's your job not let them bother you.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-stressed-tired-of-fighting-over-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:137ad0f0-bd7e-406e-9269-9eb2c009fb5dPost:c9b58346-43f5-451b-ab02-d36359acc1dc">Re: XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists : I am thankful that I got a shower  - and I should have put that in there. I am grateful that people took the time out to do this for me. As far as the plus one thing goes - thank you for understanding :) we actually went to a Latino wedding and it was huge! haha, so many people! We have a load of Latino (along with many other cultures!)  in our church and so yea, word spread like wildfire. ETA: This will be the last thing I say about this because I'm tired of dirtying up this board with a complaining spirit.
Posted by joyfulbride424[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you took out your other complaints from this post!

you are probably in a better position than I am to take the advice of mrsbrist...  just say NO.  unless your FI's family is from a culture like my FI's you are in a good position to say no.  church friends are much less likely to feel entitled to bring along friends than family.  deal with the family.  make a decision and stick with it.  is it worth stressing over anymore?  what is your food situation like?  sit-down or appetizers?

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe

I can understand your frustration completely.  I know both of us are grateful that we have family to get frustrated at, but it's frustrating still nonetheless.  :P

I always tell myself, "This too, shall pass."  FMIL likes to add people to the wedding guest list and at this point we're less than a month out.  :P  I start to get irritated, but then remember it'll all work out, and everyone wants to be there for us.  Deep breaths - do something relaxing.  Reorganize and eat some chocolate.  :P

joyfulbride424

As a final update, I took the time to write FMIL and e-mail and inform her that nobody without a SO is getting a plus one, there is no room in the venue with the size of the guest list. I told her if there were any other issues with this particular topic that she can take it up with my parents (they are paying for the wedding).

so its over, for now.

musicalsunlight

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-stressed-tired-of-fighting-over-guest-lists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:137ad0f0-bd7e-406e-9269-9eb2c009fb5dPost:3ccb15ec-5391-4959-a48c-419fad1a7506">Re: XP Stressed and tired of fighting over guest lists</a>:
[QUOTE]As a final update, I took the time to write FMIL and e-mail and inform her that nobody without a SO is getting a plus one, there is no room in the venue with the size of the guest list. I told her if there were any other issues with this particular topic that she can take it up with my parents (they are paying for the wedding). so its over, for now.
Posted by joyfulbride424[/QUOTE]


I think that was the best you could do in this situation. As I read this thread, I was curious who was paying for the wedding. Now that you've cleared up that, I definitely think your FMIL needs to calm down. If your parents are paying, your family gets the final say on +1's for situations like that. Stand your ground!