"let's talk about sex"

catwine

my fiance and i have not had sex ever, so we are naturally curious adn excited about what our wedding night will be like.  we often talk about it and just sex in general.  is this weird?  do/did any of you talk about sex with your fiance before you were married?
we know that we talk about it a lot, probably more than most couples do....then again, most couples we know are already having sex and they aren't married.

i don't think it's making abstinence harder for us, it's just something we talk about.  (personally, i know i'll be super uncomfortable at first on my wedding night becuase i was brought up believeing i should be ahsamed of my body and that nobody is to see it.  i was never told that it';s something you save for your husband, but that it's just always supposed to be covered.).

RebeccaJac

We talked about it a lot too and waited for our wedding night. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. We made out pleanty before we were married, so it was just going further than we had before. 

My tips would be to make sure your fiance knows you're going to need to talk about the wedding before you're ready to have sex. There's a lot that'll happen you'll want to talk about and debreif before. We sat in the hot tub and relaxed and it was so nice just to sit and be together. 

I had low expectations for the first time, and I think that helped. It was way better than I thought it would be, but expect that it'll take a while to know what you're doing. Don't get discouraged if it takes a while for you to enjoy it! 

And it's messier than people told me... haha. So be prepared. 

It's fun tho! And SO worth waiting for! After having sex, I am so glad I waited! 

azdancer8

DH and I definitely talked about it beforehand. We agreed that if sex happened on our wedding night, great, if not, that was ok too. I knew more about it than him just because I'm a researcher and I spent time asking questions and reading up on what the first time would be like. I knew to bring lube, and I had read a few tricks to help position myself better (like pillow under the hips). I also was aware enough of my own body that I could guide DH where he was supposed to be. Yes, our first attempt was a bit awkward and painful (I was crying, which made him want to stop sooner, but I wanted him to keep trying anyways), but once we figured out what we were doing it got easier. I have found that some positions are easier on one of us or the other. Don't be afraid to change it up if something isn't working as well. And yes, sex is fun!

As far as the shyness with your body...I was in the same boat. Neither DH nor I had ever seen the opposite sex naked (other than babies anyways).  What helped me was having lingerie on when I was walking around the room (so I felt sexy, but covered), then being mostly covered by sheets when I was naked. It helped me feel a little more "modest". (Dimming the lights a little may help too.)  As I got more used to having DH see me naked, I didn't feel the need to cover up as much while we were making love. Just remember, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed in the garden!

catwine

oh, i am definetly having sex on my wedding night!  i've waited long enough:)   i know my whole wedding night will be amazing, even if the sex is difficult or painful or whatever.

...did not know about the pillow under the hips and i'm afraid to "research" because i don't want to come across inapprorpiate sutff!

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:fa9c8edf-5802-4aaf-86be-7a0c13124d96">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]oh, i am definetly having sex on my wedding night!  i've waited long enough:)   i know my whole wedding night will be amazing, even if the sex is difficult or painful or whatever. ...did not know about the pillow under the hips and i'm afraid to "research" because i don't want to come across inapprorpiate sutff!
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

<div>Read Sheet Music. It's a Christian book with all the info you'll need. I've also heard women who "streached" themselves out down there using their fingers. I didn't, but I've heard it cuts down on the pain level if you do. </div>

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:fa9c8edf-5802-4aaf-86be-7a0c13124d96">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]oh, i am definetly having sex on my wedding night!  i've waited long enough:)  
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

<div>I had this same attitude and we didn't end up actually getting there the wedding night. We were both completley exshausted and we did fool around and enjoy each other in ways we hadn't before, but actual intercourse didn't happen. Just be prepared for that possibility.</div>

naomikb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:cda23ad6-6ed6-451d-b641-a67ed95be3dc">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]... I have found that some positions are easier on one of us or the other. <strong>Don't be afraid to change it up if something isn't working as well.</strong> And yes, sex is fun! ...
Posted by azdancer8[/QUOTE]

This is good advice.  Don't feel you have to stay in a certain position because you've seen it on TV or that's how you think you're "supposed" to be.  If you're uncomfortable just speak up or gently nudge him in a different direction, don't worry about "ruining the moment" or anything.  It should be mutually good and everyone should be comfortable and happy.

GJones27

Sent you, OP, a PM.

joe&cassie

We didn't really talk about it much other than that if I need him to stop because it hurt or was bringing back bad memories that I needed to tell him.  However, for me it didn't cause pain or make me bleed because I had an a hole ex who thought it was funny to make girls bleed and manipulate the heck out of them.  Your first time will probably be over before you realize it.  Have low expectations and go slow.  Spend as much time has you can leading up to it because it will help. 

I think the reason we didn't really talk much is that he already had and I had my best friend to talk to.  She gave up her virginity way before I did and so I could ask her questions.

jenningz

We talk about it all the time. FI has been in several sexual relationships before (he's newly saved, thank GOD) - sometimes I wish I was his first, but then sometimes I think, maybe it's a little better because he'll know where he has to go. We're a very open couple, which is really good. I know it's going to hurt but I don't think it will matter. Be open, talk about it before hand. Discuss your expectations

Also, what Joe&Cassie said.. I have friends who are no longer virgins, so I've talked to a few of them about pain, etc. But everyone's different 'down there'.

ravenray

We talked quite a bit about it and both agreed it would be ok if sex didn't happen.  It almost didn't because I was so tired so it was nice to have that option not too.   We read a great book called Intended for Pleasure, which is written by Christian doctors.  It's very helpful (yes that is right, we still use it). 

GunzNRoses213

Mess... equals needing towels on hand if you are afraid of pain/bleeding...especially on possible hotel sheets...

I need to order that Sheet Music book my local Christian Bookstore didnt have it .. I think it will help my FI more then myself ...

We are not planning on those activities the night of the wedding I know he will be tired... We are early morning people ... lol ...

musicalsunlight

I would agree with PPs that to expect a little pain is a good thing but don't freak out about it either. Go slow so that you can gauge how you are feeling, etc. Like PPs said, the first time is always a LITTLE awkward, because lets face it, 99% of first time sex is not gonna be like the movies/tv show it. But if you both have a good sense of humor, that will really help in weird or awkward moments!

randlettandfraleigh

You have gotten some great advice so far! While I was a virgin before H, he was not. So that was helpful for us as he was a little more knowledgable about what I needed. However, I don't think that is necessary either. Again, I would suggest to just take things slow, foreplay is your friend, lube if you need it, and just enjoy each other. I always try to enjoy each moment of sex with the understanding that it is sharing a wonderful intimacy with the man that I have committed my life to. 

2012FutureMrsB

I agree with PP's - Sheet Music is a great book. I learned about it on TK and ordered two copies for us before we got married. H and I were both virgins on our wedding night (we got married 4 weeks ago). We talked a lot about sex beforehand, but I admit that it was mostly me bringing it up. H wasn't afraid to talk about it, he just didn't realize how important it was to me to talk beforehand.

Anyway, our first night was awesome! It was awesome simply b/c it was the first time for both of us. However, we discovered that H has a problem ejaculating (sorry for the TMI) and so we unexpectedly have this hurdle we are now dealing with (H had to see a Dr after the HM). Also, it did hurt me a little and when I whinced, H stopped going in and just kinda stayed where he was for a min or two and then we were done, soooo . . . I actually didn't bleed at all and still never have b/c he didn't go in all the way at the beginning, which gave me time to slowly stretch out (sorry again for the TMI!). I was actually kinda disappointed b/c there was no bleeding and I always expected to bleed whenever I gave up my virginity, but it just didn't happen, so I just had to accept that. Some people don't bleed and some do.

So it's best to just have very low expectations b/c you really don't know what's going to happen and that's ok. We were able to practice many times on the HM and we got a lot better (despite H's inability to ejactulate). And I will admit, we are STILL working on it. It takes time, it gets better, it takes patience and communication.

One more thing, we also prayed about it before the wedding - that we would both be comfortable and relaxed and just have a good time.

Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:13dd7040-1f6f-4477-8aa7-7f49e6188605">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]We talked quite a bit about it and both agreed it would be ok if sex didn't happen.  It almost didn't because I was so tired so it was nice to have that option not too.   We read a great book called Intended for Pleasure, which is written by Christian doctors.  It's very helpful (yes that is right, we still use it). 
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

We didn't talk much about sex until the month prior to the wedding. We were both virgins until the wedding night.

I agree with Raven that <u>Intended for Pleasure</u> is a good one to read beforehand. H and I talked about having him stretch me out before we attempted sex, and that helped us.  We also found the chapter on sex in the book <u>Preparing for Marriage</u> by Dennis Rainey helpful as we discussed our hopes, fears and expecatations a few weeks before the wedding. 

<u>Sheet Music </u>is great, but I wouldn't read the whole book before the wedding.  A friend recommended we read it after we had been married for a few months, and I would now give the same advice.  You just can't really work on techniquue before you've had a bit of experience.

Also, make sure you and FI discuss who is responsible to prepare what.  H knew he needed to supply the lube and the condoms.   My job was to figure out how to work the Lady-Comp, which is the fertility monitor we use (and HIGHLY recommend).

jenningz

I think I might have to invest in that book.

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:d0b23e7b-6147-4d36-b8dd-feb16d3b41f2">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]Sheet Music is great, but I wouldn't read the whole book before the wedding.  A friend recommended we read it after we had been married for a few months, and I would now give the same advice.  You just can't really work on techniquue before you've had a bit of experience.
Posted by Soon2BeMrsTing[/QUOTE]<div>This.  I think the beginning of the book even tells those who are not married yet to only read the first four chapters, which is what I would recommend, as well.  Read the first four chapters before the wedding, and throw the book in your honeymoon suitcase.</div><div>
</div><div>I also second the recommendation for a pillow under your hips (we only needed it for a little while) and a towel.  We actually have a stack of "sex towels" in our bedroom closet that we use every time still.</div><div>
</div><div>And if you're going to use lube:</div><div>1) The "fancier" types (those intended to "enhance") tend to make some people (me)...ummm...itchy.  And that's not a place you want to be itchy.  So stick with the basics or buy a few smaller sizes and test them before the wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>2) If you're using condoms, you MUST use a water-based lube.  Oil-based lubes will cause the latex to deteriorate, defeating the purpose of the condom.

</div>

sessionswedding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:87716161-255d-4af5-8519-db3e2fb745db">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "let's talk about sex" : This.  I think the beginning of the book even tells those who are not married yet to only read the first four chapters, which is what I would recommend, as well.
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]
I know this is a little against the grain, but I read the whole book, in sequence, before the wedding.  I didn't really see how it could have "tempted me" or whatever it was that it warned about, haha.  But in the interest of full disclosure, DH (then FI) and I didn't wait until the wedding night.  Either way, wait to read it all or not, I <em>definitely </em>recommend this book.

[QUOTE]And if you're going to use lube: 1) The "fancier" types (those intended to "enhance") tend to make some people (me)...ummm...itchy. And that's not a place you want to be itchy. So stick with the basics or buy a few smaller sizes and test them before the wedding. 2) If you're using condoms, you MUST use a water-based lube. Oil-based lubes will cause the latex to deteriorate, defeating the purpose of the condom.
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]
Victoria's Secret sells a good, inexpensive (in my opinion), water-based lubricant by Booty Parlor, that's the one I recommend.

DramaGeek

We started off using KY until someone recommended Astro-Glide.  Boy, I wish we'd known about that sooner!

And yes, the mess, and the awkwardness...the sweat and stickiness...no one talks about those.  We have yet to have one of those "pretty" love making sessions you see in the movies, and we've been practicing a long time :-P

jenningz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_lets-talk-about-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:1912d094-36d3-4484-8417-10a1aecb852ePost:ba4da7a8-6901-4e82-890b-a6c2a6b8b20e">Re: "let's talk about sex"</a>:
[QUOTE]We started off using KY until someone recommended Astro-Glide.  Boy, I wish we'd known about that sooner! And yes, the mess, and the awkwardness...the sweat and stickiness...no one talks about those.  We have yet to have one of those "pretty" love making sessions you see in the movies, and we've been practicing a long time :-P
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>This made me chuckle.</div><div>If only everything was as glamorous as the movies, eh?</div>