New Direction (LONG)

charlamander88

Hi ladies! I posted this on E and they pointed me over here hoping you guys would be able to help me out! I have copied and pasted my OP, also the reason we are not wanting to live together is we are saving ourselves until marriage! Thanks in advance girls.

Original Post:

Hi ladies. I have lurked on this board for a while now, and I have decided to come out of hiding. I have a question I would like to ask and will hopefully get good feedback. I have not seen this question asked lately, so I figured I would post because my situation is slightly different from the other posts that I have seen. Let me first say, I am so so sorry this is long. 


 My FI and I have been engaged for about 7 months, however, we had been dating for 2.5 years prior to the engagement. We have planed and booked our wedding in Charleston, SC for October 13, 2011. We are thrilled because it is the exact venue and season that we wanted. We booked our venue a little bit earlier than normal as it is a very popular place. Luckily FI and I's parents have been very generous and agreed to pay for the entire wedding, without their help this would have been nearly impossible to get as nice of a ceremony and reception as we will be. I am so thankful for this. 

 This is where things get a little tricky though. I was not supposed to graduate until August 2011, after I completed one last summer class- it was only going to be offered this Spring and then again in the summer. The spring class was full and the department would make NO exceptions. I received an email this week from my department head who said they would allow an over-ride on the course, seeing this was the only class I would need before graduation. Nothing like last minute.

 Another great thing happened as well. I am currently interning in the field I want to go into, and my internship ends in May, after spring semester. Until this past week, I was told that because I would not be graduating until August they were not going to be able to offer me a full time position.  When I went in and told my supervisor the news about me being able to graduate she said that this was wonderful and she was going to look into job opportunities for me. I had originally told her that I would like an opportunity in Charleston, as FI really wanted to be able to move here, he loves it in Charleston. I also gave her options of Charlotte, NC and Boston, MA.
 
Today she sent me an email (early Christmas gift) and told me they would be able to place me in Boston, MA. Where FI lives. This is great, and he is terribly happy for me, and is okay with staying in Boston. However, the job will begin in May, as soon as I graduate.

 It is important to both of our families, as well as FI and myself that we do not live together before we are married. However, it seems incredibly silly for me to move from Charleston to Boston and have to live in a seperate house than FI. It seems like such a waste of money for us both to have to pay rent, especially since rent is not cheap in Boston. 

 I had talked with my parents about possibly moving to Boston in May if the job opportunity was there- and it happened to be. FI and I talked with our families about how we would handle this situation if this were to happen. We were hoping it wouldn't, and hoped that we would be able to begin our lives together in Charleston.  This is such a great opportunity that I can not pass up.

After talking with our families we had decided that we would get married when I graduated, May 2011. We would have a small, family only wedding ceremony and do a nice dinner, with just the 2 families and also our MOH and BM. Both families still want us to have the ceremony and reception we have planned in October. The ceremony we would have in May would be on my parents dock, behind our home, and our pastor would be officiating, it would be my mom and dad, FI's mom and dad, brother and sister, and my MOH.
 
It would be impossible to move the ceremony up to May, and we would loose lots of deposit money if we canceled and searched for a new venue that could accommadate us in May.  So, my question to you is, etiquette wise, should we still have a ceremony, or I suppose vow-renewal in October, or just the reception? We are in NO way going to lie to people about being married, we will tell everyone that we are already married. I know there are some friends of ours, especially our WP's that wanted to be a part of the ceremony and witness that as well. So FI and I are torn about not doing a simple renewal and only a reception. We don't want people to feel as though we have completly excluded them from the entire thing. Anyone been here, similar situation? Oh, what to do? 

bryantkm

Hi charlamander,

My FI and I are in a similar boat, if for different reasons. We're currently engaged with our "wedding" scheduled for May 2012. However, he is AD military and PCS (changing stations) in November 2011. 

I would not move in with him unmarried, as we are keeping the marriage bed pure before God. So in order to live lives holy and pleasing to God, we are getting married in a small, informal ceremony this May (2011), and then we're having a renewal of vows ceremony as our "wedding" in May 2012. 

This allows my parents to save up a little more to be able to help, family members out of town to plan travel and leave from work, and it gives me more time to plan. So I guess I'm biased in the situation, but I've been looking at the pros and cons of different choices, and I felt that that a small ceremony to get married soon and a large renewal of vows ceremony later on, was the best plan.

One positive about the renewal of vows ceremony is then you can take whatever issues you've been facing in that first year (or 6 months in your case) and address them with scripture to edify and strengthen your marriage with your new vows.

heyimbren

I read your XP on E, as well.

Honestly, I agree with the girls over there.  I think part of being an adult is making hard choices and living with the consequences. A small ceremony followed by a large renewal and reception months later just seems like you're trying to have it both ways.

I understand that you don't want to spend the money on rent while living in the same city for a few months. But don't think of it as a waste- think of it as an opportunity to live independently for a bit, before totally settling down and as a way to uphold your values AND still have the wedding you want. You said in the thread on E that you can afford this, but that's honestly what I'd do.

Any chance you might get another job opportunity?

charlamander88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-direction-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:234e8bae-bce4-475e-90e4-db88fed918caPost:3a61a7ef-2045-433f-bb74-88e514ce50ad">Re: New Direction (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi charlamander, My FI and I are in a similar boat, if for different reasons. We're currently engaged with our "wedding" scheduled for May 2012. However, he is AD military and PCS (changing stations) in November 2011.  I would not move in with him unmarried, as we are keeping the marriage bed pure before God. So in order to live lives holy and pleasing to God, we are getting married in a small, informal ceremony this May (2011), and then we're having a renewal of vows ceremony as our "wedding" in May 2012.  This allows my parents to save up a little more to be able to help, family members out of town to plan travel and leave from work, and it gives me more time to plan. So I guess I'm biased in the situation, but I've been looking at the pros and cons of different choices, and I felt that that a small ceremony to get married soon and a large renewal of vows ceremony later on, was the best plan. One positive about the renewal of vows ceremony is then you can take whatever issues you've been facing in that first year (or 6 months in your case) and address them with scripture to edify and strengthen your marriage with your new vows.
Posted by bryantkm[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your response. I reallly like your idea of being able to take your first year issues and move forward and strengthen them with the vows we would say.

Our venue is very popular and we aren't able to move the entire thing to May 2011 and to find a whole new venue we would loose lots of money. I am wondering though, if perhaps we would be able to look into moving the "big shabang" to May 2013 and have a one year renewal like you will be. I really like this idea, it's one of the best ones I have heard yet. Thanks, and best of luck to you!

charlamander88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-direction-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:234e8bae-bce4-475e-90e4-db88fed918caPost:fdd1505f-7200-4359-8130-d9ec53928fe6">Re: New Direction (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I read your XP on E, as well. Honestly, I agree with the girls over there.  I think part of being an adult is making hard choices and living with the consequences. A small ceremony followed by a large renewal and reception months later just seems like you're trying to have it both ways. I understand that you don't want to spend the money on rent while living in the same city for a few months. But don't think of it as a waste- think of it as an opportunity to live independently for a bit, before totally settling down and as a way to uphold your values AND still have the wedding you want. You said in the thread on E that you can afford this, but that's honestly what I'd do. Any chance you might get another job opportunity?
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

It's funny you mention the new job opportunity because although I am totally thrilled and excited, perhaps if I rejected this opportunity when the end of my internship comes to a close, or even in a few months (Feb., March) a new position would be available in Charleston. I love it here, and so does FI. We can totally see us raising a family here, not in Boston. Thanks Bren!

sessionswedding

I think you guys should be able to have the "big" wedding as planned in October.  Just make sure that the invitations say something along the lines of "Celebrate our marriage" or something that implies that you are already married.  And if all else fails, you could always live in a temporary lease apartment or sleep on the couch at your FI's for a few months.

charlamander88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-direction-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:234e8bae-bce4-475e-90e4-db88fed918caPost:f39a8ee2-dcc4-4d7f-9cd7-a485440ac14b">Re: New Direction (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you guys should be able to have the "big" wedding as planned in October.  Just make sure that the invitations say something along the lines of "Celebrate our marriage" or something that implies that you are already married.  And if all else fails, you could always live in a temporary lease apartment or sleep on the couch at your FI's for a few months.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

Thanks! FI and I are able to spend Christmas together and have talked a little bit about everything. We are really leaning towards have a celebration of our marriage in October and saying our "I Do's" in May. I think this is honestly, the best solution for us!

MrsTucker2011

Howdy. Read your OP on E...

My FI and I are also saving ourselves for marriage. I'm sorry you have such a difficult decision on living arrangements!
The best thing I can think of right now is - you say your parents are paying for the whole thing, yes?
Than why not hold off on the May event and have the Oct. wedding of your dreams that you've been planning. Consider the additional rent your part of the wedding investment. I just graduated earlier this month, and my FI are paying for everything in our wedding. It may seem now like you don't have any money to spare, but where there's a will, there's a way.
Besides, if it's honoring to God, then He will definitely provide.

Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

strlzfan11

I read and commented on the post over on E, but I do have another question for you.  You said that you will be talking with your priest about this.  If the priest is still willing to marry you if the two of you reside under the same roof (separate bedrooms, etc.) would you consider it an option then?  I'm asking, because my sister & BIL were in a similar situation to yours prior to their marriage.  Like you, they were saving themselves for marriage, but for financial reasons they lived in the same apartment (separate bedrooms) for about 9 months before they got married (they also had a third roommate).  The priest who married them was understanding as were all of the parents involved.

golden1215

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-direction-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:234e8bae-bce4-475e-90e4-db88fed918caPost:34f7dc74-e622-4268-a5c7-59d7dea331f5">Re: New Direction (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]Howdy. Read your OP on E... My FI and I are also saving ourselves for marriage. I'm sorry you have such a difficult decision on living arrangements! The best thing I can think of right now is - you say your parents are paying for the whole thing, yes? Than why not hold off on the May event and have the Oct. wedding of your dreams that you've been planning. Consider the additional rent your part of the wedding investment. I just graduated earlier this month, and my FI are paying for everything in our wedding. It may seem now like you don't have any money to spare, but <strong>where there's a will, there's a way. Besides, if it's honoring to God, then He will definitely provide. :)</strong> Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Posted by MrsTucker2011[/QUOTE]

charlamander88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-direction-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:234e8bae-bce4-475e-90e4-db88fed918caPost:0827bdef-a38e-4e05-a5cb-4ce372c7641c">Re: New Direction (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]I read and commented on the post over on E, but I do have another question for you.  You said that you will be talking with your priest about this.  If the priest is still willing to marry you if the two of you reside under the same roof (separate bedrooms, etc.) would you consider it an option then?  I'm asking, because my sister & BIL were in a similar situation to yours prior to their marriage.  Like you, they were saving themselves for marriage, but for financial reasons they lived in the same apartment (separate bedrooms) for about 9 months before they got married (they also had a third roommate).  The priest who married them was understanding as were all of the parents involved.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

If our pastor will still marry us, we may consider it. I'm still really not wanting to live together first- but if the pastor will marry us then we will further consider it.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_new-direction-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:234e8bae-bce4-475e-90e4-db88fed918caPost:34f7dc74-e622-4268-a5c7-59d7dea331f5">Re: New Direction (LONG)</a>:
[QUOTE]Howdy. Read your OP on E... My FI and I are also saving ourselves for marriage. I'm sorry you have such a difficult decision on living arrangements! The best thing I can think of right now is - you say your parents are paying for the whole thing, yes? Than why not hold off on the May event and have the Oct. wedding of your dreams that you've been planning. Consider the additional rent your part of the wedding investment. I just graduated earlier this month, and my FI are paying for everything in our wedding. It may seem now like you don't have any money to spare, but where there's a will, there's a way. Besides, if it's honoring to God, then He will definitely provide. :) Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Posted by MrsTucker2011[/QUOTE]

I definitely agree with this, MrsTucker. I think that's a really good reminder for all of us on here; that reference to Matthew.

But good luck, OP.

kellya01

How many months are you talking about renting?  May until October?  Many places would probably be willing to let you do a 6 month lease.  For me, it is more important that we preserve the "our house" part of our relationship and we will not have "our house" until the day we come back from the honeymoon.  Plus, I know that both my and his parents would not approve, and while I'm not screaming for mom's approval, their approval stems from their Biblical background and I trust their advice.  If I was in your shoes, my parents would rather help me pay rent for 5 or 6 months and have the move-in day with my FI to be preserved for the appropriate time.

I didn't read the XP on E (although I do lurk there frequently), but I honestly agree with opinion shared by others on here that where there is a will, there is a way.  If God wants you both to get married in May, he will provide you a way to move your date up.  You can either pay extra to move the date up or move to a different venue, or pay for an apartment for 5 months, or just find a temp job where you are until October.  I strongly believe that God would provide a way for me to change our wedding to sooner if he wanted us to get married and move in prior to the date that HE found for us. 

I don't know that sharing my opinion helps you at all, but this is what I believe I would do in your shoes.  Best of luck with your decision, I know it is not easy to discern the will of God, and you are brave for venturing into this unknown territory and letting God guide you.  Pray about it!!

RNShellyF

I honestly, in my own opinion, do not believe in vow renewal. My FI and I are potentially in a similar situation, as I may be moving out of town for a job to start my career before our wedding. FI will not allow me to move alone, and would be coming with me, but we do not want to live together before marriage. So the option we discussed was holding our ceremony before we moved, and coming home for our reception (our original wedding day). I do not believe in vow renewal (my own opinion, to each there own :}) because my FI and I will say our vows only once, because we meant them the first time. Once you make a vow to God, we find it silly to say those vows again. But again, to each their own, that is just our views.

So in your situation, I would either live in seperate place until your October wedding, or have your ceremony only then reception on the original wedding date. Good luck with everything, I will be praying that everything works out the way it should

Calypso1977

i also replied on E.
Living together does not = sex before marriage.

we lived together for 6 months prior to our marriage.  it was not our ideal choice, but there was a high risk of us having to live apart after marrige if we did not secure a residence prior to the wedding.

we maintained separate bedrooms and a chaste relationship (we did slip up twice, once was wehn we were away at a friend's wedding and had a hotel room).  but, it worked well for us otherwise, and our priest was aware of it from teh outset (we told him before he even inquired). 

while we had sex before livign together, once engaged, it was very important for us to be as spirituatlly prepared for our sacrament as possible.  also, being an older couple (31 and 34 at teh time), lviving together was a HUGE adjustment.  i cried every night for a month.  it was nice to have this stuff worked out before marriage.  i cant imagine crying every night for the first month of my marriage.