Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith?

aegrish

What do you think?  I truly believe no, both persons should be in agreement about the faiths values and beliefts in order to get married in or by the church.  this is a controversial topic on another board though so I though what better place to post it and get some thoughts.

ETA: Ok most of us on this board probably wouldn't even date someone of a differnent faith much less marry them. 

What do you think about others that get married in or by a church/faith that one of the persons does not believe in?

Calypso1977

well, i personally would not have married someone who didnt share my religion.  when i was dating, 90% of the guys i dated were of the same faith.  the ones that werent i knew were never going anywhere and it was just for fun.

but if i did, as a catholic, i am bound to be married in teh catholic church.  if the person i married agreed to a catholic wedding and agreed not to interfere with me raising my kids catholic, then teh church still would have married us.  i should not have to miss out on my sacrament, and miss out on havnig my marriage recognized by my church/faith.

sessionswedding

I have to agree with Calypso, I probably wouldn't marry someone of a different faith.  I probably wouldn't even date someone of a different faith, and I don't like I ever have.  Maybe once or twice, but like PP said, they weren't going anywhere.

kellya01

I saw that post a bit ago and didn't respond beyond voting in the poll, but I'll bite... :-)

Personally I wouldn't have to make the decision about where to get married if FI doesn't agree with faith, because I have a pretty strong belief for me that I don't date someone who isn't a Christian to begin with.  After getting to know the guy I've dated, we figure out if our faith and beliefs really do match, and for me, it just makes more sense to look at it from the "choosing to date someone with the same beliefs and faith" as opposed to getting to the point of planning a wedding and then trying to figure out whether our faiths match or not.  

I take most of this belief from 2 Corinthians 6:14-15

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and belial?  What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 

I am definitely not trying to come off self-righteous.  As a woman seeking to be more like Christ, just believe that God wants me to have a partner who is also seeking the same things, and even considering a serious relationship with someone who doesn't have that same desire when both of you are fully aware of your differences, is a recipe for disaster later on down the road.  The question of whether or not to get married in a church with my faith and not his wouldn't even come up at that point.  

aegrish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_should-married-church-fi-not-agree-faith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:2d0c94ca-57e7-4344-866c-1cd4de07de0bPost:4fa4a2bf-0a8d-4ecc-a0a7-1125c3091b5b">Re: Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith?</a>:
[QUOTE]I <strong>have to agree with Calypso, I probably wouldn't marry someone of a different faith.</strong>  I probably wouldn't even date someone of a different faith, and I don't like I ever have.  Maybe once or twice, but like PP said, they weren't going anywhere.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

I agree with all the PP.  The first thing my FI discussed on our first date were our valeus and beliefs to make sure we were on the same page.  I also edited the OP and should've worded it differently in the first place.

OH, And I'm REALLY tired of seeing posts on the ceremony board that start off, "what church can my and FI getting married in without being religious or doing pre-marital counseling?" . Try a park, not a church.

SaraAndrew2010

DH and I are both Catholic. I'm glad that he is the same religion as me because it's part of the cultural heritage we share and it makes everything a lot easier in terms of decisions about getting married and raising children.

However, if I fell in love with someone of a different religion, I wouldn't have ruled out getting married.  It would be important to me that my husband respected my religion and didn't tried to persuade me away from it, but I don't think we have to agree on everything. 

Both my parents and my paternal grandparents are mixed Catholic/non-Catholic marriages, and they have very strong, loving marriages.  My dad was raised Methodist but isn't really practicing and is borderline agnostic, while my mom is  Catholic.  They were married in the Catholic church because it was very important to my mom that her marriage be recognized by the Church.  My parents agreed that their children would be raised Catholic before getting married.  I honestly don't see the problem with what they did.

kellya01

As far as the 2nd question you added..."What do you think about others that get married in or by a church/faith that one of the persons does not believe in?"

Couples in that scenario have to do what they feel is right.  I think that they should agree on some level about how they are going to live as a married couple, and how they would raise their children, and use that to influence what they have for their wedding ceremony.  If they want to raise the kids in the faith of the one partner and the non-believer is okay with it, they'll have to find a church and a pastor who is willing to marry people of two different faiths, which might be a challenge depending on what the other partner believes.  

LisaChris2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_should-married-church-fi-not-agree-faith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:2d0c94ca-57e7-4344-866c-1cd4de07de0bPost:8ed2a312-2ce9-44cf-bc80-2bf0ea00f725">Re: Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith?</a>:
[QUOTE]DH and I are both Catholic. I'm glad that he is the same religion as me because it's part of the cultural heritage we share and it makes everything a lot easier in terms of decisions about getting married and raising children. <strong>However, if I fell in love with someone of a different religion, I wouldn't have ruled out getting married.  It would be important to me that my husband respected my religion and didn't tried to persuade me away from it, but I don't think we have to agree on everything.</strong>  Both my parents and my paternal grandparents are mixed Catholic/non-Catholic marriages, and they have very strong, loving marriages.  My dad was raised Methodist but isn't really practicing and is borderline agnostic, while my mom is  Catholic.  They were married in the Catholic church because it was very important to my mom that her marriage be recognized by the Church.  My parents agreed that their children would be raised Catholic before getting married.  I honestly don't see the problem with what they did.
Posted by SaraAndrew2010[/QUOTE]

I agree with this as well, because my FI and I don't share the same faith.  We have however, discussed raising of children, "expected roles" of man and wife, etc. etc. and we're in agreement on those matters.  He respects my faith, agrees to raise them as Christian and would be supportive (and has been) of the values/morals that come with Christianity. 

We have a church pastor marrying us.

LisaChris2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_should-married-church-fi-not-agree-faith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:2d0c94ca-57e7-4344-866c-1cd4de07de0bPost:b6961bd7-6b78-4e28-ab44-089c69c2a579">Re: Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith?</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as the 2nd question you added..." What do you think about others that get married in or by a church/faith that one of the persons does not believe in?" Couples in that scenario have to do what they feel is right.  I think that they should agree on some level about how they are going to live as a married couple, and how they would raise their children, and use that to influence what they have for their wedding ceremony. <strong> If they want to raise the kids in the faith of the one partner and the non-believer is okay with it, they'll have to find a church and a pastor who is willing to marry people of two different faiths, which might be a challenge depending on what the other partner believes.</strong>  
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

Its not a challenging as one would think.  My FI and I don't share the same faith, and we have a church pastor marrying us.

kellya01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_should-married-church-fi-not-agree-faith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:2d0c94ca-57e7-4344-866c-1cd4de07de0bPost:7d35ad5f-bbc1-4a39-ba6c-05d6836da44e">Re: Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith? : Its not a challenging as one would think.  My FI and I don't share the same faith, and we have a church pastor marrying us.
Posted by LisaChris2011[/QUOTE]

<div>Ah true, I guess it depends on the faith of the person with the belief, for sure.  I know that our "senior" church pastor, the head of the pastoral staff, he would not marry two people of differing faiths, especially a believer and non-believer.  Others on the pastoral staff will marry two people who have similar faiths as long as they are both believers on some level.  I have heard on the boards that unitarian universalist ministers are a lot more flexible.  I would also say that the Catholic or Orthodox churches are a little more strict on the faith of the two folks who want to get married, from what I've read in books and studied, but I could be wrong... :-)</div><div>
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jenn.daniel

I very briefly dated an atheist.  There were MANY reasons it didn't go past 2 dates!

If I had fallen in love with someone of a different faith, what would matter would be respecting each others' beliefs. 

One of my good high school friends, who is an atheist, married a Christian man.  They got married in the comminuty center.  She was NOT happy when her BIL read the passage about a woman being obediant to her husband.  I guess that makes sense because the contrasting part where the husband should treat the wife as Jesus treated the Church wouldn't have any meaning for her.

We have friends getting married the weekend before us: he is Catholic and she is Baptist.  Her dad is Catholic and her mom is Baptist, and they allowed her to choose which faith to follow, though her dad IS particularly happy that she's marrying a Catholic.  They're having an interfaith marriage in a chapel, performed by a priest and a Baptist minister.  I don't see that as such a big deal because Baptists and Catholics are both CHRISTIAN.

kalizoomba

I think anyone who marries someone of a different faith is going to have more trouble in life than picking which church to marry in. First would be - where do you go to church - or do you go at all? If your fiance is so against your church that he won't even get married in it, I'm not sure he'd be willing to go to church with you - or might not allow you to go by yourself. If you go to different churches, where do your kids go (if you have kids later).

To me, church is more than just a sunday thing - my religion effects every choice I make, and if I had a fiance who didn't share that religion, my life would be near impossible.

That being said - If both bride and groom cannot agree on one church to marry in, I say have a more neutral wedding - at a hotel, court house, in a park, etc.  Its both the woman's and the man's wedding - and both should enjoy every aspect of the day.

Bec20

I'm a very liberal Catholic.  SO is an atheist.  When the day comes, we're going to get married in the Catholic Church so the wedding is recognized by the church.  He has no problem with this.

Obviously, we wouldn't be having a mass or communion because he isn't able to receive.  He also doesn't even have to agree to raise the kids Catholic, since he isn't Catholic himself.

Contrary to popular belief, it really isn't all that difficult to marry somebody of a different faith in the Catholic Church.  Preists perform many interfaith ceremonies, it's probably at least as common as marriages between two Catholics these days.  If there person is of another Christian religion it's pretty smooth sailing, but if one of the partners hasn't been baptised you just need a dispensation.

If it was wrong for somebody to get married in a church that they didn't believe in but their partner did, it would be next to impossible for a Catholic to marry somebody of a different religion and have their marriage recognized by the church.

GJones27

We have to define "different faiths" here.  I'm Orthodox Christian, my FI is Catholic.  Technically, those are different religions, but they're still part of the same faith tradition.

I also don't date guys who aren't a religion that I can get married to in the Orthodox Church (the rule is that a potential spouse has to be baptized in the name of the Holy Trinity to be eligible to get married in an Orthodox Church).  I have nothing against other faith traditions.  It's just it can get very complicated if you don't take that approach.

SE+MB

I agree with PP about what the guidelines for different faiths are. There's a difference between the different types of Christians, yes but when I think of "different faiths" I think something other than a Christian.

I, personally, wouldn't get married to someone who didn't share my same religious beliefs. That being said, if a couple shares different religious beliefs and wants to get married, I think they should have an inter-faith ceremony where both religions are recognized.

iamjoesgurl

I don't understand people who don't believe in God getting married in a church.  If it is not right, they are not accountable to me so I can't really answer the question. 

Our pastor just spoke on Sunday about 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.  He did not talk about it just in terms of marriage, but in life in general.  He said that it makes a difference in your marriage to be united on the spiritual front.  For me, my relationship with God is the most important in my life.  I had to be with a man who shared this with me. If you are unequally yoked in a marriage, you are making huge important decisions with someone, who at the core, does not agree with you.  He also said that it spills over into other close relationships that you have in your life too.

DH's parents are both Christians.  FIL is Catholic and MIL is Baptist.  They attend church together on holidays in the Catholic church, but otherwise, they attend separate churches.  I don't judge them for that and I guess it works for them, but during our counseling, we talked about how it was important to each of us to worship together.  It has been difficult to find a church that we both feel is our church, but we've kept at it because for us, it is important.  If it works for someone else, that's up to them.

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe

FI wasn't raised with God or any part of that background, but I was.  However - when we met and started dating, and even when we got engaged - I was still running from God so it wasn't a priority.  FI and I are getting married outside at a spring, so that way neither of us are uncomfortable in a church - plus outdoors really suits us.

I can see both sides: people wanting to get married in a church because it's "pretty", but also understand those with a strong faith not agreeing with someone being not of a faith and getting married in church.  I'm pretty ok with either way so I'm not much help.  I think if you are comfortable being in a church, then I'd say ok.  Even if you don't necessarily believe, God is still present.    Even outdoors - you're in nature, and He is still present.  :P  That's just how I personally think of it (maybe I'm wrong) but He IS omnipresent. 

Beazilla

If you belong to a particular faith, but your FI does not, it's fine to get married in a church as long as your FI doesn't object to it. If you're FI is against, then no.

Marriage is about compromise and this is something some couples compromise over. Getting married in a church may be important to one person and the other person might not care. You might also both be Christians who belong to completely different churches and denominations and argue over which church to get married in or belong to after marriage. Some Christians won't date other Christians over differences in beliefs, e.g. an Episcopalian might refuse to date Evangelical Christians.

I'm Lutheran and FI is areligious and since he didn't want to have a church wedding or a religious ceremony we aren't. We are adapting the Lutheran ceremony and his stepfather (who is a Church of Christ minister) is officiating. FI has been non-religious since he was a teenager, and that's fine with me. His family is ok with that as well and understand why we're having a secular wedding. He'll find his own path to God. That doesn't mean that I'm not a witness through my thoughts, words, and actions.

If FI had agreed to a church wedding, we would have had a church wedding. A deceleration of faith  wouldn't have been required and interfaith marriages are acceptable. Also neither of us would have had to promise to raise children in the faith (you promise that when you baptise the kids against their nap-deprived wills).

bibliophile2010

I am blessed in that my FI and I are both Catholic and are both very passionate about our faith. We have different gifts that we have shared with one another throughout dating and engagement (and hopefully, marriage), that I think have made each of us stronger in our faith. We are getting married in the Church, because we wouldn't have it any other way.

That said, I think the bigger issue is being on the same page about religion before marriage and, preferably, before getting engaged. Heck, I think it is reasonable to start asking hard questions before a relationship gets serious. I have a very dear friend who is in a mixed-religion marriage. She and her now-husband talked about faith, practicing faith, and raising children well before they got engaged. He has supported her in her faith every step of the way, goes to church with her, etc. He is not particularly strong in his faith, but she encourages him to be stronger as well. Although they will probably not have kids for another year or two, they have already decided to raise the kids in her religion.

When posters come on the boards and start asking the where to get married questions, I am amazed that they haven't had these conversations. The problem is much deeper than where to have a wedding. It is deeper than what to do on Sunday morning. It will come up over and over and over again until/unless the couple makes decisions about these things and develops the will to stick to them. The ceremony, then, should reflect those answers.

kellya01

I just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading all of your responses on this thread.  Being on TK has opened my eyes to the many people who are choosing multi-religion and multi-cultural relationships because I don't see that as much in real life.  

Bec20

I can understand that for some people, religion is a deal breaker.  However, to say that it is wrong for a couple where one does not share the religion is in the wrong to get married in the church is just closed minded to me.

For the Protestant religions, I can see why a couple may choose to get married outside.  However, for somebody like me, my marriage would not be recognized by my church if I chose to do that.  I wouldn't be able to take communion after the wedding, among many other things.

I am not an extremely religious person and Kyle is not religious in the slightest.  He has no problem with me bringing the children to church someday and has said he would come on occasion.  The one thing he has said he would have a problem with would be me "brainwashing" the children, so to speak.  I just laughed at this, because I don't even think that one should take the Bible entirely at face value.

I can understand for some people why dating, or especially marrying, somebody of a different religion just seems "out there", especially in a church.  However, for me I would much rather date a non-religious liberal person than a religious conservative, because I think that having such different political views would just raise more issues for us than having different views on religion!

joyfulbride424

Bec20 - I would like to clarify what I think some of the girls here are trying to say.

I personally would never marry someone who wasn't in the same "religion" as me, but I am not a close minded person, and I can explain what I mean here. For me, I subscribe to no "religion". I believe in Jesus Christ, that he came to earth and died so that I and anyone else might have eternal salvation. I attend a non denominational church. I subscribe to the Word of God that states "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV). Because I believe what is in the Word of God, I believe this to be true for myself.

The NIV describes a believer vs a non-believer in several ways, one is:

Ephesians 2:8-9 "for by grace have ye been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, [it is] the gift of God;" (9) "not of works, that no man should glory." (ASV)

John 3:14-15: "And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up; that whosoever believeth may in him have eternal life." (NIV)

John 3:3: "Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again." (NIV)

Again, I guess I can't speak for other girls here, but I wanted to clarify for you what I personally believed, and what I think at least some of these girls mean when they state they would never marry someone of a different religion. My FH is of a different denomination as me, but we have the same foundational beliefs. It is truly a personal choice, to marry someone of a different religion, it must be a personal conviction.

Bec20

Thanks for explaining Joyfulbride.  I wasn't insulted by it, because I know that everybody has different deal breakers and for some it is religion.  I don't care if some people feel that it isn't right for them, as long as they don't say that it isnt right for anybody.
 
The one thing that really bothers me that some people say I shouldn't be able to get married in a church, because I am a believer and I don't feel that I should be punished because Kyle is not, even though he is very supportive of me and my beliefs.  (ex. he is okay with me bringing our future children to church, he comes to church with me on holidays like Christmas, etc.)

I'm sorry if I offended anybody with my comments, I definitely didn't mean to imply that any of you in particular are closed minded!  You seem like a lovely bunch of ladies and I hope I didn't insult any of you.

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_should-married-church-fi-not-agree-faith?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:2d0c94ca-57e7-4344-866c-1cd4de07de0bPost:b700a3d9-d1af-4aff-89d4-3a5b9bf481db">Re: Should you get married in a church if your FI does not agree with the faith?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for explaining Joyfulbride.  I wasn't insulted by it, because I know that everybody has different deal breakers and for some it is religion.  I don't care if some people feel that it isn't right for them, as long as they don't say that it isnt right for anybody.   The one thing that really bothers me that some people say I shouldn't be able to get married in a church, because I am a believer and I don't feel that I should be punished because Kyle is not, even though he is very supportive of me and my beliefs.  (ex. he is okay with me bringing our future children to church, he comes to church with me on holidays like Christmas, etc.) I'm sorry if I offended anybody with my comments, I definitely didn't mean to imply that any of you in particular are closed minded!  You seem like a lovely bunch of ladies and I hope I didn't insult any of you.
Posted by Bec20[/QUOTE]

I personally was not offended, so no worries :) I definitely understand where you're coming from. My best friend is actually dating someone who is not a traditional "believer", and she struggles with judgement from all directions and people of all walks of life - and actually doesn't know where they will get married.

I think for some of the girls here the understanding of "why would someone get married in a church??" question comes from the fact that for a lot of girls on this board, the church symbolizes the house of God - it is so much more than a beautiful place to be married. So its not a punishment persay, but rather a question of what does the church mean to you. I think you bring up a good point though - because no one should be "punished" like you stated, since Jesus never turned anyone away from himself or his house - regardless of their beliefs.

jkh1182

Well, I would find it hard to date/marry someone who was atheist or someone who is not christian/catholic at all.  I feel our values may not be the same.  That being said,  My FI and I both grew up Catholic, but both have since decided that the Catholic church was not for us.  And we essentially have the same reasons for leaving the churh.  This being said, we started attending a baptist church about 6 months ago and we absolutely love it.  I guess we are not having much problem in the way of that.  But,  I do believe that if you are getting married in a church you should at least agree with the doctrine.  If I was dating someone who was say Lutheran or another christian religion then I may suggest we get married outside the church by a pastor we both like.  It also bothers me that there are people who are not into church/God/religion and they want to get married in the church.  It just doesn't make sense to me.