Premarital Counseling

Special2011

Our counselor asked FI and I to come up with some questions or topics to discuss at our next session. Problem is, FI and I have already discussed everything we can possibly think of that we'd need to discuss (like he said, "we don't know what we don't know"). Yesterday we tried to come up with something else but failed.


So what were some things discussed in your premarital counseling? What are some things you didn't realize you needed to talk about?

joie424

We took PREPARE/ENRICH - which is a "quiz" of sorts that does a values/morals/life priorities assessment to see how you feel about certain things in comparison to each other. We scored pretty evenly - so I know how you feel. DH and I talked a lot and aired a lot of things before the wedding so I've been there We talked about the following at our premarital counseling:

1. Children - when do you want them? How will you raise them? How many will you have? How will you make decisions about discipline?
2. Sex - Do you have a full understanding of the expectations of your partner? Does your partner have a full understanding of your expectations? Do you have any fears or insecurities with regards to sex? Does your partner have any fears or insecurities? Does either or both of you have self esteem issues you feel will get in the way of your sex life?
3. Money - Is one of you insecure that you will not make enough money? Is one of you not concerned at all? Does one of you feel that the other spends to much and wishes they saved more? How will you handle finances? Joint savings and checking? Will you invest? Does one of you feel the other spends to much on every day items like groceries or haircuts?
4. Conflict - how do you handle it? Does one of you get angry quicker than the other? Does one of you yell? Does one of you apologize more often than the other?
5. Communication - How do you communicate? Do you communicate well? Does one of you feel that there is an area where you can communicate better than you currently do?

That's a very basic gist of what we discussed in our sessions. I have some more information I could dig up for you if you want. Hope that helps!

fpaemp2011

We also took the PREPARE/ENRICH survey as part of our counseling.  On of the couples in our church teaches "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" as a Sunday School class each semester, so we took that. 

SYMBIS covered these topics:
Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty?
Can you identify your love style? (5 love languages from a different author)
Have you developed the habit of happiness?
Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear?
Have you bridged the gender gap?
Do you know how to fight a good fight?
Are you and your partner soul mates? (Developing spiritual intimacy)

We talked about "Family of Origin" which taught both of us so much about why the other does things "differently," myths about sex and what to actually expect, breakdown of household expectations, why guys and girls are so different and how to live with that, fighting fair, and so many other topics. 

If you have a Christian bookstore near you, go browse their marriage section.  There are several premarital books you can flip through to get ideas of what to ask, etc. 

mmhepb

I don't know where you are each coming from, but as independent adults who have been living on their own for years, FI and I discussed the merging of households together.  FI will be moving into my house with me and my 2 girls.  For the past 8 years it's just been me and the girls together, so there will be adjustments there for sure.

Aside from children, just sharing a space with someone can be a challenge at first.

Will you have traditional gender roles? 

Do you have expectations within the household duties based on how you grew up? (i.e. the man always checks the doors and lights before bed, or the woman always gets up early to start breakfast and pack lunches.)

Even what side of the bed you prefer (I personally like the middle, just I need to work on that!)

If you've both been living with your families there may not be as big of a transition in regards to sharing a space, but both may see more of things that need to be done not having thought about how they got done in the past.

If you've both been living alone for some time, you may have more difficulty in releasing some of the independence you've come to appreciate.  This is where I struggle.  I've been both mom and dad to my girls for many years.  I cook, clean, work, take out the trash, mow, wash cars, fix broken things, etc...  I have to really work to not try and do it all and ask FI for help.  So far, I typically say it will be different once we're married and living together, but I also know that change is hard.

Sorry this is so long, and hope it maybe stirs up a question or two you guys could bring up and discuss.

kitkat610

We actually didn't get to do premarital counseling so I am envious of your opportunity

Our situation is a bit unique for our age I would imagine, but some of the really important things that we have addressed in addition to what is above are

- what will happen if he becomes permanently disabled

- how do I feel about being the sole breadwinner

- kids (big topic for us) - how, when, and what if we never can

Other things that I have seem become problems in friends marriages

- would you be ok with is parent(s) living with you / would he be ok with yours

- expectations about friends and socializing ex/girls night out

Another suggestion for a book is Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married. It is by the author of 5 Love Languages. It also has questions at the end of each chapter, and it is funny at the same time as being very on point.

drama1308

One thing we talked about that we hadn't completely discussed yet was what we expected on the wedding night. Like how I expected him to be (gentle, loving, slow, ect.)

amongthelilies25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_premarital-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:31d036d2-56ff-4818-aa7e-3615de9570f6Post:b7e7f3e1-4e93-4a4c-a79f-d69b0ed1da40">Re: Premarital Counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]We also took the PREPARE/ENRICH survey as part of our counseling.  On of the couples in our church teaches "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" as a Sunday School class each semester, so we took that.  SYMBIS covered these topics: Have you faced the myths of marriage with honesty? Can you identify your love style? (5 love languages from a different author) Have you developed the habit of happiness? Can you say what you mean and understand what you hear? Have you bridged the gender gap? Do you know how to fight a good fight? Are you and your partner soul mates? (Developing spiritual intimacy) We talked about "Family of Origin" which taught both of us so much about why the other does things "differently," myths about sex and what to actually expect, breakdown of household expectations, why guys and girls are so different and how to live with that, fighting fair, and so many other topics.  If you have a Christian bookstore near you, go browse their marriage section.  There are several premarital books you can flip through to get ideas of what to ask, etc. 
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

<div>We think Emily and i took the same type of mentoring because this is all what we are doing and going over too. SYMBIS is an AMAZING books and i am recommending it to all the newlyweds i know! It gives great topics to go over. i am enjoying our mentoring soo much! (: </div>

sessionswedding

FI and I have just started ours, and our FOCCUS results haven't come back yet, but the FOCCUS questions themselves brought up a really big one.  It was a question about whether or not we thought that our families would give us space to become our own family or always be interfering.  We both just laughed out loud.  My parents will likely leave us alone, but we're gonna need to beat FMIL back with a 10-foot pole.  We now know we need to discuss strategies for dealing with our families.

ochemjenn

In our first session, we were given homework:

1:  Where we want to be as individuals 5 years from now.  (We'd already covered that.)

2:  Three things that annoy you about the other person.  The next time we talked about how we could improve on those things.

3:  How the other person fights.  I think this was the most useful one.

The Rev. also recommended 5 Love Languages, but we'd already ready it.

EJCart

Ours is a mixture of traditional (prepare/enrich) and just talking. We both come from divorced parents so the minister really wanted to talk about that.

iamjoesgurl

I think it is good to learn how to discuss something that is bothering you.  (Basically, learning how to fight fairly without hurting each other's feelings.)

Also, have you discussed how you intend to use vacation time?  How about the holidays - where will you be spending them?  I think it is good to discuss each other's family and what are some of the important family events and will you be able to still participate in them.  (For example, if your family has always attended Christmas Eve service together and that is really important to you, will you be able to continue to do that.)  I don't necessarily think that any of these questions need to be discussed with the counselor, but they should be discussed.

I think all of the other important things have already been mentioned.