Sick of argueing

LeahVB2011

It seems like every single day Fi and I find something to argue about. I know it's growing pains but this is annoying. I'm praying God gives us  the tolerance to deal with eachother in a loving way. Do you ever have times like this where it feels like everyday there's something new to argue about?

sessionswedding

Actually, no.  I don't know if FI and I are below the average for arguments or what, but it's actually very rare that we disagree.  And when we do, we usually come to an agreement and don't end up arguing.

LeahVB2011

I wonder if Fi and I are below average for arguing so much. It doesn't seem normal to argue this much but we are both so stubborn that it makes life hard sometimes.

kellya01

Well my FI and I have definitely had our moments.  One thing that we've focused on is trying to figure out why we're upset, whether that's resulting from something an individual can change, and working on that from a "I need to work on this" kind of perspective.  We end up blaming each other less and working to resolve it more.  It has led to us getting along MUCH better, fewer arguments (even about mundane things), and generally brought us closer.  Not that we argue that much anyway, but it has helped us to resolve them.  Communication is one of the key elements of a relationship, and arguing is really just failure to communicate about the real problem.  See if the two of you can relax, try to figure out what the root of the problem is, and go from there!  I'll pray for you guys to figure it out.  :-) 

azdancer8

Sorry, I'm not of much help either. DH and I have only ever had one "fight", and even then it was more a misunderstanding than an argument.

But I'll pray for added peace for both of you.

StacyJenniges

My Fiance and I can go through periods where we argue more often that others.  We are both extreemly stuborn and think that our point of view is so clear.  We do work on talking rationaly and listening to the other person. 

But you are not alone,  I have found with us that our anxiety of things changing causes extra stress.  So we argue a bit more.

LeahVB2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_sick-of-argueing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:32871aee-b79a-4c34-82a0-65d651af892cPost:0a35fbc6-6d9a-4743-a9cf-bcde4f8c7c55">Re: Sick of argueing</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance and I can go through periods where we argue more often that others.  We are both extreemly stuborn and think that our point of view is so clear.  We do work on talking rationaly and listening to the other person.  But you are not alone,  I have found with us that our anxiety of things changing causes extra stress.  So we argue a bit more.
Posted by StacyJenniges[/QUOTE]

Thank you! This is what I mean! It's sooo irritating but we do come to an agreement. It just takes us a few hours

aggiebug

what is it you are arguing about?

I have had a recent spurt of arguing with FI.  Ours has been mostly wedding related, being long distance and its down to crunch time has I think stressed me and him out which leads to more arguing and less listening.


And that brings me to another suggestion.  I feel like in my relationship when we really start to pick at each other is when we stop listening to each other.  Our pastor told us about the listening stick. (this only works if you are together).  It doesnt have to be a stick it can be any designated object.  Whoever has the stick gets to talk.  Whomever doesn't have the stick has to listen.

It is important to remember to talk about how you feel when you have the stick and not attack your partner

And it is just as important to completely listen when you don't have it.  This is NOT the time to formulate your counter argument.

I bet you will be just fine.  You have the willingness and the desire to improve your communication.  you can and will if you work at it.  good luck!

GJones27

We go through phases.  We'll go through periods where we don't argue at all, and other times where we fight multiple times a week.  I think it's highly correlated with stress, worrying about other stuff in life, lack of sleep, the "time of the month" for me, the weather and time of year (we fight more in winter than summer, I have found), and feelings of being neglected.  For men, neglected usually means lack of physical attention, but there's only so much one can do as a Christian couple before marriage (kissing can help, though!)  For women, neglect means lack of emotional care, listening, and support in small ways.  We'll always forgive and try to improve on things, but I don't take arguments very well.  I know my cortisol levels skyrocket, as I tend to feel anger (I wish I were one of those people who is perpetually calm).

I wish I knew what a silver bullet was.  You always hear psychologists say that you shouldn't express stonewalling, defensiveness, or contempt in arguments.  I think there is one big issue FI and I haven't resolved going into marriage (where to settle down, as we have different professional interests and taste in cities), but we have agreed to try and be flexible.  I think when you have those arguments, you just have to try and understand where the other person is coming from, as they often don't feel listened to.  Then you have to agree to be flexible.  When the argument is done, you then have to break the tension with flowers or something nice.  

If I had to guess, maybe you're fighting more because you're stressed with the wedding and stuff.  Maybe you just need to take time out and go out to do something fun.  Nothing beats date night where you try to rekindle some of those happy emotions from your initial days of going out.  Hope you two work things out!

joyfulbride424

FI and I fought a lot a while ago - but there was a lot going on for me personally that I won't get into, we don't really fight anymore unless its about something dumb and it doesn't last very long if it does happen. I would sit down and have a rational conversation about the things you're consistently arguing about, because chances are there is a pattern and you have to break the cycle somehow.

bourgehm

My FI and I are going through one of those weeks right now too. We haven't argued for the past 4 days or so though, so I think this tough time of argument after argument is over.

mrandmrsbrist

I know when FI and I are argue, I'm usually the one picking a fight. I don't realize it until afterward, but luckily, FI forgives me. Don't get me wrong: he'll start one occasionally, but he's not much of a fighter. For the first two and a half years, we didn't have a fight or even a major misunderstanding. :P

Sorry, that's probably not much help.

FaithCaitlin

You have some good responses on here!

FI and I have had our fair share of fights. We are both pretty stubborn and want to be the one who is "right". Usually, we fight over really silly things then it escalates into something bigger because by that point we're both upset.

What we try to do is stop, think before we speak, fight fair (because sometimes fights are okay. You resolve issues; it's important), and try really hard to never accuse or bring up the past.

All of our fights usually end within an hour or two. We don't fight much anymore but stuff still happens, and always will!

I'm always surprised by couples who say that they've never had a fight. IMO, sometimes it's good to have a fight. After every fight that we resolve, I feel that our relationship  is stronger, everything is clear, and we're on the same page. I'm glad for those couples, however. 

Plus, FI and I grew up together. Going through the teenage years as well as doing a long distance relationship, it's no wonder we've "been there, done that!".

I'll be praying for you two!

amongthelilies25

i agree with Faith...i think some (calm) fighting can help to resolve issues and work through feelings. 

i know that i am a verbal processer... it helps me to talk things out so that i can peice things together for myself. Arguments can get heated and frustrated... but as long as we are forgiving eachother, trying to understand one another, and communicating..then i think its okay. 

If the SAME issue is being brought up into the argument... then maybe there is something more serious going on...and when you are both CALM .. talk about it. Sometimes we do need to step away from the situation, breathe, and return to the conversation when our emotions are not so high. 

this is one reason that my FI wants a 2 bedroom. He says we need a "timeout room". We know that marriage isn't going to be fun and easy all of time...and when we need to stop time for a moment and walk away we can have somewhere to go. lol. its actually a good idea that i full support. 

Just remember that Ephesians 4:26 says "Be angry and do not sin.: do not let the sun go down on your wrath"

So..it is okay to be angry....God GAVE us our emotions..but do not sin...don't give into that anger by getting physical and calling your FI outside his name. 

 And don't go to bed angry....it says it right here inthe bible not to...we should listen. lol. 

hope this helps a little.

bourgehm

Yeah, sometimes I agree with that verse about not lettnig the sun go down angry. But... in reality, sometimes you need to just go to sleep and talk about it in the morning when you're both in a better mood. Personally, I sure have trouble resolving fights if I'm super tired and just trying to solve the issue before we go to sleep. That doesn't help a thing.