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Christian Weddings

Don't know what to do (long)

Backstory:  my parents are avid renters.  They maintain that the one time they bought a house it was the worst experience they've ever had and ruined their credit. FMIL is a realtor who says that home ownership is wonderful and the only way that she and FFIL ever made any money.  Each set of parents is pressuring FI and I into doing what they think is best.

A couple weeks ago, FI and I found a house we really liked and ended up making an offer.  Even my parents were on board because it was such a nice house for a great deal.  I never thought I would get my parents on board, but I was so glad I had their support.

Last night my mom and I met with FSIL (mortgage broker) to sign my disclosures for the house.  She gives me the papers and it's $115 more per month than FMIL (realtor) told us it would be.  I said no thanks, I don't want the house.  My mom spent the rest of the night giving me her typical spiel about how home ownership is awful and we should just rent.  I called FMIL and told her I changed my mind.  FI was with me on that.

Today, FSIL calls around to try to find cheaper home owners insurance, the seller (builder) offers to pay some of the price to lower our monthly payments, and FMIL says if our property taxes go over her low estimate, she will pay the difference.  FI talked to both of them and told me he wanted to reconsider.  We were told we have until 5:00 to make a decision or we lose our $500 earnest money.  I asked FSIL what happens if we get to closing and don't like the final payment, and she said we could still walk away at that point (but would lose the $500).  I said go ahead.

I told my mom that FI and I have decided to go to closing day and see what happens.  If the payment is over $850, we will walk away and rent (she doesn't know about the $500 earnest money).  She has spent the rest of the day texting me essentially telling me how stupid this is, how I can't really afford it, how I'm tying a 30-year noose around my neck, etc.  That is what my mom does.  She makes me feel like garbage if I don't 100% agree with her and do what she wants, and then if I do something she doesn't want, she will say "I told you so" to even the tiniest little hint of trouble.

So now I'm having doubts about buying the house.  I've had the cons of home ownership thrown at me all day and that's all I can think about.  I also can't help but think that if I buy a house and something does come up and I need help, that she will say "I told you so" and not help me out.  I don't want to listen to her crap and her "I told you so's" for 5, 10, 20+ years.

What do I do?
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Re: Don't know what to do (long)

  • edited December 2011
    Personally I think you made the best choice. It's not going to hurt to go through to that point considering that either way you will lose the earnest money by leaving now or at closing.  My mom is the same way with things so I understand how difficult it can be getting thrown doubts. If you made it this far it's not going to hurt to stay until closing.
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  • mrandmrsbristmrandmrsbrist member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    It (essentially) seems like you know what you want and you and your FI have a plan, but you're letting your mom walk all over you. If I were you and in your situation, I'd tell my mom to knock it off. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she gets to make your choices. You're going to be a married woman with your own life and your own choices to make. You can't default to her. And that means you can't let her influence you.

    Maybe I'm crazy, though. I've never let my parents walk all over me and when I feel like my mom is getting out of control (because she does, she's a mom) I tell her to stop talking to me about it.
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  • edited December 2011
    You may want to double-check the legal stuff -- if the amount of the payment was not in your original offer on the house, you may be stuck with the house at closing, whether you want it or not.  I'd call and get a legal opinion on that.  Not knowing what you put on your paperwork, I couldn't necessarily say.  I just know that it is darn near impossible to get out of purchasing the home once you've made the offer, the financing has been approved by the bank, and both parties have signed the offer.  It all depends on the contingency clauses in your offer contract.  

    That being said, if you do end up having the option to go forward with the purchase or not, then I say see where the loan leaves you -- providing 3 very important factors are in your scenario: 
    1) Do you both have jobs / careers that are stable, the location you want to be in, and are you happy with them?  
    2) Is the home in a location you want and does it have the floorplan (unchangeable details) that you want?  
    3) Can you afford to buy, and keep up to the life of the mortgage (typically 30 years)?    

    If you're iffy on any of those 3 questions, then my advice would be to walk away from the home, if you still can.  Renting isn't that bad, yeah, you're essentially paying someone else's mortgage, but you're not stuck with the house if your jobs move or you end up not liking the location or home features.  And someone else takes care of all of the repairs.  It's not easily customized though, so that's a big drawback to renting, that and not all landlords are good, whether it's a property management co. or an individual.  

    Sorry that got long .... that comes from my experience buying the townhouse that I am now stuck with.  I will one day sell the townhouse and buy another home, but I will be VERY sure that all 3 of the factors I mentioned above are there.  My parents actually pushed me INTO buying that house, and because of that they have since helped me to make the payments on it when my job didn't pan out like we hoped.  Just remember, your credit and your financial future is the one on the line, NOT your FMIL, Realtor, or Parents.  They can be great sources for advice (as we are too!) but ultimately you have to do what's right for YOU!! :-)

    Hope this helps in some approximation!!  I'll pray for you to find the right decision for you and your future husband!! 
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  • edited December 2011
    The realtor, seller, and broker have made it clear to me that I can get out at this point (for the next 45 minutes, lol) no strings attached.  I can get out up until closing day with the loss of our $500 earnest money.

    I never have any intention of moving out of the city we currently live in.  FI's job is not set in stone as he works part-time, but his parents have promised to pay any extra we come across in hard times.  Once he graduates college (about a year from now) we hope he can get some full time work.

    We are worried that money is going to be tight the first year or two, but once FI has a 40-hour job instead of a 20-hour job, things will become EXPONENTIALLY easier to afford.  So we are trying to think of a tight (but not impossible) first year as an investment into an easier several years down the road.

    FI really wants us to take this leap of faith, and he doesn't want me to let my mom walk all over me.  So onward to closing day.
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  • edited December 2011
    Sounds good!  Get that confidence back girl!!!! :-) 
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  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    We own two homes, so obviously I'm not against it!

    I will say this - make sure you can afford it, and make sure you can afford those random things that pop up from time to time.  You know, the heater needs replacing, the toilet breaks and needs to be replaced, etc.  No, home ownership isn't always great - I hate when something goes wrong and not only do we have to fix it but we have to pay for it as well, and yardworks suuuuucks - but at the same time I get to decide what color the insides and outside are, I get to decide if and when to replace the carpet, I get to decide to remodel...it's great.  So while I don't think it's for everyone, if you've thought through it all and you're ready to take the plunge, then do it!  We've been homeowners since 2002, owned 2 homes since 2008, and we wouldn't change it.
  • mrandmrsbristmrandmrsbrist member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Don't know what to do (long):
    [QUOTE]FI really wants us to take this leap of faith, and he doesn't want me to let my mom walk all over me.  So onward to closing day.
    Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like a wise man. :) I'm praying for you!
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  • edited December 2011

    I agree with PP. It's not up to your mom because you and your FI will ultimatly be the only people having to deal with everything.

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  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Owning a home is a good investment.  And since the house was just built, you will have at least 7 or 8 years before anything big goes and you have an unexpected expense.  How much is rent where you live?  I seems like $850 is a really good price for a mortgage payment but maybe things are more expensive here (I would have a hard time finding a 3 BR 2 1/2 BA rental for less than $1200 or so). 

    There are pros and cons to buying a home, but in my opinion, the pros outweigh the cons.  And your home is beautiful!!  You will build so many great memories there.  $850 may seem like a lot now, but in a few years, you'll still be paying about that same amount and you'll be making higher salaries so it will not seem like as much.

    When I bought my house, I nearly had a nervous breakdown thinking of buying a house by myself, paying for it, what if I lost my job, etc.  You have to trust that God will take care of you and if you feel that this is the right thing to do, then I believe it absolutely is!
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  • edited December 2011
    Rent around here for a 3 bedroom runs from $850 to $1200 or more.  But a 2 bedroom apartment that we previously liked is $685 including water.  I don't know, I just feel like I'm having a panic attack.  What if I lose my job?  What if FI loses his job?  What if we want/need to move and can't sell?
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  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
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    edited December 2011
    This is a really tough decision.  But you mentioned that FI's family would be able to help you out if you really needed it.  I would just recommend praying about it and I will too.  If you seek God's will in this situation, you will not go wrong.  Don't let your mom discourage you.  

    Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need". (NLT)  He wants the best for you.  Now, to just find out what that is...
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  • edited December 2011
    Don't worry, girl! It is in God's hands and I know it will all work out. I agree with PP's- you are getting married and ultimately it is you and your FI's decision. Do the number crunching and go for it if you can. Don't fill your head with "what ifs"- you will drive yourself crazy. I will say a prayer that it all works out for you! 
  • edited December 2011
    Buying a house actually isn't as good of an investment as it used to be. That's just fact. Being in the finance field, I see everyday how little Americans think of the housing market and it's going to take a while to build the confidence again. But that won't keep me and DH from buying in the future. We want to own a home not from an investment standpoint, but we want more space and no noisy neighbors above us. It sounds like your situation is up in the air. Your FI is still in school. What if he doesn't get a job right after? Relying on one income to pay for things is no fun, trust me. Also, what if a job takes you elsewhere? That's a possibility if FI job searches. I have friends in their very early 20s that bought homes and I am absolutely not envious. DH and I are carefully saving our money because we don't want a starter home. We want something we can grow in. If that takes a few more years to save for, so be it. We are a youg couple and there are way too many ifs for us to seriously consider buying. And new houses could have problems too. Upkeep of any home is expensive, so just thinking of the mortgage each month is naive. There are electric bills and water bills and homeowners insurance and property taxes and HOA dues, etc. Just something to think about.
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  • edited December 2011
    Louieblue, I have to agree with you on a lot of your points. The only reason I considered this house was because I thought it would be better than an apartment.  But with it being a patio home, there really isn't much more privacy than an apartment, and the HOA would keep us from doing a lot of the things we would want to.

    But all in all, it is a moot point now.  I just found out that my student loan payments are going up.  Not only does that stretch our finances to the point of being a deal breaker, but I am taking it as a sign that we are not meant to do this.  Thank you to everyone for the advice, the encouragement, and the prayers.  Having you ladies around has made this wild ride way more bearable.
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