Physical Boundaries (LONG!)

veggygyrl

So as I just posted in response to dramageek, D and I are back together.  While I am very happy about this, one thing we were struggling with before, and are still struggling with are physical boundaries.  We had an intimate relationship before, for years, but about 6 months or so ago, we decided that we were going to put God first in every aspect of our lives, and since then we have been celibate.

As you can imagine, or some of you know, this is a really hard thing to do, and we have mentioned having boundaries before to make it easier and clearer.  I know some of you have mentioned in previous posts about having boundaries, so I was wondering if you could give me any advice, as to how to choose boundaries, or examples of boundaries you have set.  We really want to focus on purity for God, instead of how much we are missing.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so please don't feel pressured to post if you aren't comfortable with it.

It's also very difficult because we are both very physical people.  Even if you don't want to post, if you could keep us in your prayers, it would be greatly appreciated!

fpaemp2011

After a sermon by my youth pastor, I committed to not kissing at all until my wedding day until I was 16, towards the end of 10th grade. 2 weeks later, my then-boyfriend broke up with me because he said he couldn't handle not kissing.  The next guy I dated (end of 11th through 12th grade) knew about the committment before we started dating (small town, small school- everyone knew) and a year into our relationship, he slept with a girl in our class because he "didn't want to pressure me into fulfilling his needs."  Thanks so much, Jerkface.

Anywho, I didn't date anyone after HS graduation in 2005.  I met Fletcher in August 2008.  In January 2009 when we started "cour-dating," we both knew that our absolute, no wiggle-room, boundary was no sexual contact before marriage.  I didn't want to bring up my no kissing committment because I really, really liked him and didn't want to lose another guy to that, and figured that I could control myself at 21.

A few weeks later, I was talking to girl in my youth group and she asked if the guy I was dating was waiting until his wedding to kiss, too.  Totally forgot I had told "the kids."  I decided that I wouldn't bring up kissing until he did. 2 days later we were watching a movie, he kissed my cheek, it tickled, I laughed, he said, "What are you going to do when I really kiss you?"  He brought it up.  So, he dragged it out of me and said that it was something he had been thinking about, as well, since his previous relationship 2 years prior had almost gone way too far. 

So, 3 weeks into our relationship, we decided not to kiss until our wedding day.  Cheek and forehead is fine, but no lips, neck, etc. 

As for practical boundaries:

We don't touch anything covered by a tank top and shorts.  (We give back-rubs, but we don't move clothing). 

When he was still living in town for school, we always made sure that either his sister was home, or one of my roommates was at my house.  (His sister would leave us with her 3 and 1 year old girls occasionally, but the dang 3 year old is a better chaperone than some of our friends...she just appears out of nowhere.) 

When we're sitting on the couch or floor, one or both of us is always sitting up.

The lights are always on.

We don't go in each others bedrooms.

If we're in a parked car in the daytime, the windows are down.  At night, the interior light is on and the windows are down.

Boundaries are big for us, because our main love languages are Quality Time & Physical Touch.  It's something that we knew would be difficult, but we knew it would be easier to control in the long run.

veggygyrl

Thank you so much for your response!  I knew about you guys not kissing til marriage from reading your planning bio, but the other stuff really helps.

amongthelilies25

first of all...i will pray for you completely. 

now... FI and i were very very physical before he left for school. it was something we knew that wanted to work on...but it was very very hard. We were apart from eachother for 9 months and he JUST got home on wednesday.

because we want to do this the right way we knew that we wanted to talk about boundaries and follow through with them. '

So yesterday we talked about the "box". our imaginary boxes that we cannot touch. so mine is like the chest down to my mid-thigh. he knows not to go in my box. 

the other thing we talked about was the "exit strategy". When kissing and things are getting a little too intense there is always that point of "hey..maybe we should stop"... so when one of gets there we decided that we would be vocal about it and speak up and then get out. we would leave the situation. get out of the car. get off of the couch. the other day we were kissing and i felt that tug of "okay...we need to stop" and so i literally stopped, backed up, vocalized what i was feeling, and took a few steps back. 

we know our bodies and when things are maybe feeling a little TOO good... the best thing to do is stop and cool down. 

So FI and i committed to doing that. and we are also being accountable and talking to his mom about it. We told her what our boundaries are and how we are going to keep those boundaries. Purity is VERY VERY important to our marriage and we do not want to mess up again. we are actively seeking it. 

there is always the whole thought of "dont be alone" but imean....how practical is that? i feel that you need to prepare yourself for IF you are alone. that way you have the tools to handle the situation.  

hope that helps! 

veggygyrl

It does help a lot! And thanks for your prayers!  What Emily said about having a chaperone is really great, but unfortunately that is not a possibility for us about 95% of the time.  Thanks to you both for being so open with me about this.  This is something that I have never dealt with before and it is scary and difficult.

amongthelilies25

just keep in mind that you are worth the wait.... and that God will bless your marriage when you wait! (: 

veggygyrl

Thanks Monica! I know in my heart you are right.  Also, I didn't mention before, but if you want to share, but aren't comfortable on the board, feel free to PM me!

kellya01

My FI and I have made our boundaries of basically no sexual contact as well, but we're okay with kissing and we are pretty fantastic at controlling ourselves (especially at age 27).  It gets harder as we get closer to the wedding, and we try not to spend too much time alone.  I guess I'd say talk with your FI and figure out what you believe about waiting before marriage, what that means for the two of you, and then set up reasonable boundaries that work for you.  If you're into reading, "Boy Meets Girl" is a good read on how to go about this from another perspective as well.  (I think the author is Joshua Harris).  

Hope this helps! 

azdancer8

As a general rule, I say your boundaries should be a step further back than what you think is appropriate. It is so easy to let those boundaries "slip" when you're alone or let your guard down, and if you're a step further back, you won't compromise your boundaries accidentally.

While DH and I were dating, we always used the stricter boundaries of the two of us (usually ended up being mine). For example, he had been kissed before, and I hadn't. He patiently waited until I was ready to kiss - and even had to double check after I asked him to kiss me for the first time .

I think the chaperone idea is a good one, but it's not always realistic. We were long distance and I lived alone, so the majority of our relationship was just the two of us by ourselves.

And to echo a PP, you're worth the wait anyways.  

GJones27

FI and I have very strong beliefs about waiting for marriage, so we trust that nothing will happen until our wedding night.  I think a good rule of thumb is if you're going to kiss, do it while sitting up rather than lying down.  FI and I had a "don't kisss my neck" rule at the beginning part of our relationship, but that can be hard to keep.  I let him touch my stomach (but only with my shirt on, of course).  Definitely nothing immediately above that or below that, though.  Oh, and if you're making out, take breaks to "cool down."  Definitely don't kiss more than a few minutes.  That's all I can think of.

veggygyrl

You guys have been really helpful, and given me great suggestions.  D and I are having a discussion about it tonight, and I feel like I have some great things to open with.  I am continuously on TK (it's an obsession), so feel free to keep 'em comin'...

amongthelilies25

gjones - i love that no kissing while lying down rule!!!! thats a great one! and i second the "cooling off" breaks, completly! GREAT advice! 

mrandmrsbrist

Two or three weeks into our relationship (FI and I still argue to this day about whether it was week two or three, hah) I explained to FI how important my wedding night is to me. It's always been something I've looked forward to and didn't want anything to have an opportunity to taint or spoil it. From there, we made our boundaries (and like azdancer suggested, set them two steps back from our absolute boundary).

We don't spend time in the bedroom. Period.
One of us is always sitting up.
We don't kiss for long periods of time. This isn't as clear cut as the other boundaries, but we limit it to about 5 seconds (we don't count or anything, lol). That has more to do with me than anything, and I realize it varies from person to person
We don't spend time completley alone. This includes locking doors or cars.

The most important part for us is communication. Both FI and I have expressed an issue with being able to stop. So that means physically removing ourselves from situations where we think things might get out of control.

It's different for every person, though. Keep that in mind.

needle&thread

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_physical-boundaries-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:35e67ea7-e871-4314-a13a-fdeec6112e39Post:7c27cc58-0ed5-46fc-a7e9-2216c1a81a7e">Re: Physical Boundaries (LONG!)</a>:
[QUOTE]<font color="#800080"><strong>We don't spend time in the bedroom. Period.</strong></font> One of us is always sitting up. We don't kiss for long periods of time. This isn't as clear cut as the other boundaries, but we limit it to about 5 seconds (we don't count or anything, lol). That has more to do with me than anything, and I realize it varies from person to person <strong><font color="#800080">We don't spend time completley alone</font></strong>. This includes locking doors or cars. The most important part for us is communication. Both FI and I have expressed an issue with being able to stop. So that means <font color="#800080"><strong>physically removing ourselves from situations</strong></font> where we think things might get out of control. It's different for every person, though. Keep that in mind. :)
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]


<font color="#800080"><strong>THIS EXACTLY...always have friends or family members around for support...

My situation is a lil different...he is 2400 miles away...Thank you Jesus...</strong></font>

katanne9

First of all, I think it's awesome you guys have chosen to be celibate for the time before your wedding. I'm sure it's very difficult. It's always difficult to go backwards. That takes a lot of strength.

IMO, a lot of the temptation lies in the situation. Is it late? Is it dark? Are you lying down together? Are you totally alone?

Getting out of temptating situations probably helped us the most. Also TALKING about it helped us a lot.

: )

SoonToBeMrsK12

I agree with katanne9. When I first started dating, my mother's advice was to never put myself into a situation that I would need to test my resistance to temptation. Even if you think you can handle being alone, kissing, laying down together, etc, why put yourself through that stress? The best way that my fiance and I have found to avoiding temptation is to stay out of those situations altogether.

Alcyone1

Congratulations to all of you for keeping (or at least trying to keep!) yourselves pure!  My FH and I have been dating for almost 7 years, and it has been mostly long distance, due to school.  The day after he asked me to be his girfriend, he sat me down and told me that it was really important to him to wait until marriage.  I was quite pleased to hear this, as I was trying to figure out how to tell him the same thing (and when it would be appropriate to do so).  Now, we've been dating a lot longer than we thought we would (as in, neither one of us dreamed that we'd be dating almost 7 years before getting married), which has made that difficult.  We've gone a lot further with each other than either one of us really expected to go, but we're both extremely glad that we're still virgins (and will be until the day after the wedding)--and that's really saying something for a 26 year old and 29 (very nearly 30) year old.

Honestly, my biggest piece of advice--not just to OP, but to everyone--is to not let yourselves begin thinking that you're somehow immune to the sin or temptation, no matter how long you've been together and pure.  It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking about how awesome you are for not having sex and becoming extremely holier-than-thou, if only in your private thoughts.  (Disclaimer:  I'm not saying this to chastise any of you--just reminding all of you that this is a very common, very real problem, one that has affected me and FH).
FH and I were both into the "look how awesome our relationship is--way more awesome than so many of our friends--and how awesome we are at communicating, and just how awesome we are. Aren't we lucky and aren't we blessed to have such an awesome relationship?"  While the answer is, of course, that yes, we are extremely blessed to have a wonderful relationship, we were so focused on the awesomeness that we stopped looking out for some pitfalls and problems.  We dealt with an extremely difficult problem as the result of this that culminated in the both of us gaining a great deal of (painful) understanding about the nature of forgiveness.  There are blessings to be found even in the worst times.

So yes, all that was just to say not to lose sight of your problem areas.  If lust has been a problem area for you (and who can say really that it hasn't been?), it is not just going to stop being a problem area for you, no matter how long you resist it.  The problem may decrease over time, but it is still there somewhere--never think that you can beat it alone.

Good luck to all of you trying to do this!  It is hard.  But I think it's worth it.