Please forgive me if I seem a little awkward. I still feel uncomfortable posting on boards - even our Christian board. However, I really feel that my F and I need the prayers of fellow believers.
The last 2 days have been really difficult. I have felt like I have been under attack, and it has been aimed at my F and me and our relationship. I'm always hesitant as to how to much to share on boards in case someone you actually know happens to read the information, but I think it's important that I give a little background here. We have a decision to make with my F's children - whether or not they will attend our wedding. It is a big decision because of the background and issues that we are still dealing with. To make matters worse, my F and I do not agree and he has an extremely strong dislike for conflict. So do I, but I won't let that cloud my judgement and I think he does sometimes.
Background: My F was married previously to a woman who cheated on him and divorced him. My F doesn't believe in divorce and tried everything that he could to keep her from divorcing him even knowing that she had not been faithful. She even gave him a list of things for him to do and change, which he did. Nothing worked. She divorced him and went to the other man. He still waited for her after the divorce.
Almost a year after the divorce, he felt that God was trying to deal with him and tell him that he did everything that he was supposed to do. And he felt that God was telling him that it was time to move on with his life. We met a few days later and then a few days after that, we went on our first date. The night of our first date, his ex starts in on him saying that she wants him back (while still seeing the guy she left my F for). Ever since then she has been doing/saying all kinds of things like he's deserting his family and he only cares about himself and I am a homewrecker and the "other woman." She also says now the man she left my F for was just a friend even though she told my F that she thought she was pregnant once and all kinds of things. She says one thing and then turns right around and says another. (I also don't want you to think that this has been a nightmare. She makes things difficult, but she can only do so much. We are both Christian adults. God has blessed us with something very special and this has been the happiest time of my life. I just want to give you an idea of what's been going on.)
They had 3 children together with one girl. The oldest is 11 and the youngest is 6. The oldest boy is a little more reserved, but the girl has stuck close to me since the beginning. When my F told them that we were getting married, the girl's (I don't want say their names for security) reaction to our getting married was "Oh, good. I wasn't there the first time. Can I be a flower girl?" We were not going to have any of the children do anything in the wedding so that the ex couldn't mess with us or the children's feelings. But she was so excited I started making plans to make it possisble for her to be one if she was there. She also started making comments to her younger brother that I was going to be their step-mom so they had to what I said (really excitedly). And she would call me step-mom and things. And when we would get around my family, she would try to figure out how they would be related to her once I marry her daddy. The boys were a bit more reserved but they were coming around. We could tell they were hearing things about me from the ex, but they were still getting past it - especially the girl. Every time she saw me, she would be right next to me.
One weekend, my F gets a nasty email from the ex about the wedding and all three kids come separately to my F with the same rehearsed speech that they don't want to attend the wedding and wanted to stay with their mom. The girl says that she thought he was remarrying her mother and doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore. Even though she was excited just a few weeks before that I was going to be her step-mom. The ex is playing mind games with her own children and claims that she wants what is best for them. My F responded by telling them that he would think about it and decide closer to the wedding (he also gave the ex the same response in the email). The next weekend, the kids come in and say that they are going to the beach the wedding weekend - my F's favorite beach to go to (which we were also thinking about going to on our honeymoon). Even though my F told the Ex that he would think about it and get back to her - she just plans a trip and tells the kids they're going on a trip (which we also planned the wedding on F's weekend with the kids so she had no say in where they were).
Dilemma: My F has a decision to make as to whether the kids are there or not and, if they are not, whether they go to the beach with their mother. Also, if they are not with their mother, we will not be able to watch them very well and everyone who would watch them will be at the wedding. Also, everything gets twisted around so that my F is the bad guy. So she already tells them that he's choosing me over her and them and if he doesn't let them go to the beach, then that will be something else that she makes him look bad with. However, it seems crazy to cater to her because of the mind games she plays. BUT they are kids! It breaks my heart to think of what they are going through when they go to her house and are interrogated and made to say things that they don't really think. There doesn't seem to be a very good solution here and it doesn't help that my F and I do not agree. I don't feel like he is understanding me and hearing me and I'm afraid that he will make his decision based on the least amount of conflict. But what I also know is that I serve an amazing God and so does my F. He has a solution to this situation that we just can't see right now.
Another Thought: My F and I feel that a husband and wife should be and is a part of God's plan. Just as he uses each of us for his plan, he uses a husband and wife together for His purpose. I think that he's already been doing that with us. We go to a Bible Study on Wednesday nights and I'm in the third week of a Beth Moore Bible Study. It's Living Beyond Yourself. I have learned so much and I feel like God is opening my eyes to things and plans that he has for me and for us. I can't help but think that Satan is seeing this and hates it. He's using my F's ex (she's not an active follower of Jesus) and this situation to try and thwart all of the good.
I know this is so long and I apologize, but I hope it gives a clear picture of the situation. Please pray for us. That we would remain strong in our relationship, we would follow and see his will for us no matter hard the road, for the kids, for the ex, and for anything else that I can't think of because I just don't know. And any advice would be appreciated, too. I didn't want to go much into what I think is right because I want unbiased opinions (if you feel like offering any tidbits after reading this book). Hopefully I was able to give mostly just details.
Thank you, ladies. And I love our board.