sex and marriage

djdanib24

My fiance and I are growing in our relationship with God and want to put him at the head of our marriage. Praying together and reading the word has not only deepened our faith but also our relationship.

We are struggling with "sex outside of marriage." It is so easy to justify us sleeping together because we love each oher, are getting married, have wonderful intimacy, and neither of us were virgins when we met. We stopped having sex for three months and started back up again about two months ago. I don't want to stop just to follow a rule, I want to make God first in my life and marriage and think this is a way we can do this. We're praying for God to convict us if what we're doing is wrong and to give us self-control. We could press the re-start button and abstain until our wedding in October...I fear that I'd be taking away something that is going so well right now. It's like taking a good thing and giving it a bad image then having to think it's ok after the wedding. I know God will bless our union and we'd still have amazing sex as a married couple...

Has anyone given up sex as a couple after they've already started? Could anyone offer encouragement or specific verses for me to read on this? Prayers please...

sister2groom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_sex-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:4e197da0-e896-4e91-89f7-bf283765487cPost:df026c7e-c4b1-45e3-81b3-655f81563c7e">sex and marriage</a>:
[QUOTE] It is so easy to <strong>justify </strong>us sleeping together ... I want to make God first in my life and marriage and think <strong>this </strong>is a way we can do this. We're praying for God to <strong>convict </strong>us if what we're doing is wrong and to give us self-control. 
Posted by djdanib24[/QUOTE]
(The bolding is mine)<div>
</div><div>I think the fact that your are using the word "justify" suggests you might already feel convicted. Have you discussed your beliefs on this with any older, wiser believers?</div><div>
</div><div>Some passages on sex and marriage:</div><div>1 Corinthians 6 and 7</div><div>Hebrew 13:4</div><div>
</div><div><div>By the way, what are you referring to when you use the word "this" above? Do you mean physical intimacy with your fiance can help you put God first in your life? Forgive me if you don't, but if you do, Jesus says "If you love me, keep my commands" (John 14:15) and I think the Bible makes it views on extra-marital sex pretty clear.</div>
</div>

FaithCaitlin

This is a very personal decision and I think the best thing to do is pray about it.

ochemjenn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_sex-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:4e197da0-e896-4e91-89f7-bf283765487cPost:760f2206-9c6e-48fe-bcff-086e277e75df">Re: sex and marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a very personal decision and<strong> I think the best thing to do is pray about it.
</strong>Posted by FaithCaitlin[/QUOTE]

I know I prayed about it a lot.  Well, not initally.  DH and I started having sex about a year and a half into our relationship.  By then we'd been long-distance for about 6 months.  He had just started med school and hadn't found a church in his new city; I'd found a church in my new city but was struggling (and eventually stopped attending less than a year later).

Looking back, having sex then did cause additional stress for us.  In a year and a half we got engaged, and I moved in with him.  A couple of times we abstained for about a month each (once I slept in a separate room), but it didn't "stick". 

About three months before the wedding we began abstaining, and abstained until the wedding night. By that three month mark, we were both thinking a lot about the ceremony and pre-marital counseling. We were watching services together on Sunday mornings. Focusing on God together really helped us after about 3 years of not making God a priority in our lives. I'm not saying others who have premarital sex aren't making God a priority, but I now believe that was the case for us.

RebeccaJac

Mmmm, I kinda feel like if you weren't convicted you wouldn't be asking for our advice. 

"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." Hebrews 13:4

"But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." 1 Cor 7:2

The story of the woman at the well where Jesus himself instructs a woman to go and quit sleeping with a man not her husband. He tells her she has had multiple "husbands" meaning multiple sexual partners. 

Paul advises those who cannot control themseleves sexually to go get married so it wouldn't be a sin. 

Are you a part of a faith community? Could you ask a pastor/preist for more insight? Honestly, I wouldn't trust strangers with issues as big as this. You have no idea what background they have in understanding scripture. 

monkeysip

Hello OP,

FI and I haven't "gone all the way" (sorry to sound like a highschooler!) in our 9 years of dating, but we've definitely crossed the line and done things we regret.... many times!  

It's definitely tough once you've had that physical intimacy to then go back and remove it.  I definitely think it is worth it though.

Something that has helped us is to remember that sex is making a promise with your body.  It is called consummating your marriage for a reason--sex is the physical sign of the union of your souls and body that has already taken place when you said your vows.  To have sex before marriage is akin to lying with your body.

I'm not saying that to condemn people who choose to have sex before marriage.  Far be it from me to judge anyone.  I'm just telling you the idea that has helped us to avoid temptation.  Because then it becomes less about "following rules" and more about being loving and authentic with your fiance.  It is important to remember how we communicate with our bodies as we are created beings.

Lindy2Be

It is AMAZING what God can do if we let Him. My fiance', who I have been dating for almost 3 1/2 years, and I had sex for over 2 years on a regular basis. We were in a long distance relationship for a good portion of a year, so that "hindered" our sex life in some ways. But since moving in together (ironically), we have found a church home, gotten involved, and made a commitment to God and to each other that we will ALWAYS put Him first. If something we want does not 1, benefit our relationship with God and 2, does not benefit both of us, then we do not follow through with it. Period. And we did not start in that place over 3 years ago. Jesus has come to life in our hearts! Our pastor, who will be officiating our ceremony, told us that the Bible does not condemn two Christians living together, as long as the marriage bed is not defiled. It was difficult for a long time- long distance or not, to remain abstinent. And of course we are attracted to each other. But it's so different now because our hearts are focused on God's will and what He wants for us. His ways are not our ways. I prayed for a long time to "want" to give up my sin. Someone else mentioned that God does not zap away our temptations and our sinful desires. But when we surrender and let God do the work, WOW is it rewarding!

I don't want to go on and on. It is a tough place to be, but if you rejoice in the truth, it will set you free! God's "rules" or "laws" are not punishments. They are meant to protect us and to fulfill us, so that we may become who HE made us to be! He paid the price; all we have to do is love and honor Him. Find JOY in honoring Him and REST in Him always.

God Bless you and your fiance'!! Congratulations and I pray you both grow deeper in your walk with God and your love for each other. Be blessed.