NWR: Struggling...

agape1cor813

I'm having a hard time right now. My fiance and I are about 100 days out of the wedding, and I'm suddenly panic-stricken about everything that's going to happen after the wedding. Not necessarily worried about his and my relationship, but I'm scared I won't be good at being a wife. The big thing that is fueling this is the fact that I need to leave my job in order to be with him (he's required to live within an hour of a major airport because of his job, and the furthest out he could live would still mean a 2 hour ONE WAY commute for me in the middle of the night ... Just not worth it). I'm scared that with the economy being the way it is that I won't be able to find another job and that I will essentially be useless in the marriage because I won't be contributing financially probably for a while. I also keep thinking about grad school, but I worry that the strain it could put on the marriage would not be worth it.

I've told my fiance how I feel, and he's dumbfounded by it, he wants so desperately to ease my mind on it all but it just doesn't seem to help.

He's told me he thinks I should get therapy or at least talk to our pastor about it, but I can't imagine just unloading all of this on someone. I just feel very ashamed and I need guidance ...

DramaGeek

oh sweetie...!

First of all, I am praying.  Secondly, I've been there done that re: feeling useless in a marriage.  I didn't have a job for the first 4 years of our marriage.  It's late and I'm tired, but I'll send you a PM tomorrow with details.  The thing I want to leave you with is the fact that my husband never once felt like I wasn't pulling my weight because I wasn't contributing financially.  He understood that I was doing everything I could and he never, ever made me feel lesser for it.  I'm sure your Fi feels the same way.

twixinthemix

I'm totally in your shoes!!  I'm 103 days away from the wedding, and will also have to leave my current job.  I wouldn't be able to handle the over 1 hour drive each way on rural roads (in Indiana winters especially!!) with a time zone difference when I have to work a fair number of evenings as well.  It just wouldn't be a good way to start a marraige and I'd be doing a disservice to my job because I wouldn't be able to put in the energy required.

There are very few teaching jobs around where he lives, and probably only 12-15 in the entire COUNTY that teach what I could teach, so the chances of me getting a job in what I do are slim to none.  I'm hoping that I can pick up at least a part time job somewhere, but I'll have to keep my fingers crossed.

FI has been very supportive, and I know I feel bad that I won't be able to contribute much, but every little helps!!  We'll hopefully be going off to grad school a year after we're married so I hopefully won't be jobless forever!!  Hang in there!

mrandmrsbrist

Praying for peace.

SuMmErKuTiE

I'm sorry you feel like this, I'll definitely keep you in my prayers that you'll feel more at peace with the whole thing. I'd probably feel the same way, but he's your FI and he wants to marry you and provide for both of you. Just pray that God will open up new doors for you in His timing.

As far as the economy goes, it's tough but it's not impossible. DH and I were beyond sick of the seemingly neverending and cold winters and high real estate prices in Connecticut, so we made a plan to move south. I landed a job down here, and DH quit his job so we could move down here together. It was rough at first, and we went through a lot of our savings, but we made it work and DH ended up landing a great job about 3 months into us living down here that he loves a lot more than his job back up in CT. We are both so much happier now and are so glad we made the move. Like I said it's definitely tough out there and it may take some time, but there are good jobs out there just waiting for the right candidate.

iamjoesgurl

Not having a job right away may turn out to be a blessing.  DH was unemployed for the first 6 months of our marriage because he had to move to where I lived and find a job here.  I am thankful that he had those 6 months of not working because although we had to be more careful with money, it gave him the opportunity to familiarize himself with his new home (house and city/area) and it allowed us to settle into marriage without the stress of two full-time workers trying to find time to build their new life together.  He was able to come to my work and have lunch with me occasionally and I loved that!  He also was able to do a lot more around the house which took the pressure off of me. 

I say this all to encourage you.  Even if it takes you time to find a job, it will give you the opportunity to settle into your new surroundings and make your home a nice place for your husband to come home to.  Without the pressure of having a full time job, you can focus on the things that you are most concerned about in the home (cooking nice meals, keeping up with cleaning/laundry and other things that you might eventually share but he will appreciate that you are able to do a lot of these things at first).

I sometimes wish DH was still home because I miss those days of lunches with him or being able to ask him to do something around the house while I'm at work.

azdancer8

I'm really struggling with this myself right now. I've always been a go go go type of person, and quite independent. I tend to keep as busy as possible. I quit my job before we got married, and I moved to the mountains from the city. I don't know too many people up here, and I'm really bad at motivating myself when I have long stretches of time alone in the house. Plus, DH is in construction, so he doesn't have much job security right now. We don't know how much longer he'll have paying work. Our hope is to live off of what he makes, and use any of my money towards savings for our own house. But with the economy the way it is, I don't know how feasible that plan is. So long story short, I'm bored, and trying not to get discouraged.

So I've decided to take action.
- I'm going to get out of the house today and drop my resume off at a couple of places.
- I'm going to make a calendar of chores so DH and I know what needs to be done when.
- I'm going to get better about devotions (I don't know why, but I really struggle with keeping up on these) and talk to DH about doing one with me.
- I'm going to get exercise every day. I miss dancing, so maybe I'll find a class or something up here.

Anyways, sorry for hijacking the post. It felt good to get that off my chest.
-

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe

I'm with you ladies - FI and I are moving to AR and the only people we know there are his parents and his Mema and Papa.  When we get married, we'll still be building a house, he'll be looking for a new job, and when I move down there I'll be starting school.  I felt like I was letting him down but he told me he knows I'll be doing school and I'll be taking care of the house so he's not worried.  But I still am!!  In the old days, the man would work and bring home the bacon and the woman would take care of the house, cook and clean, and watch the kids.  But our society has changed, even though I feel like I should have been born in that era.

jenn.daniel

It's very likely that FI and I will be moving to a new state for his internship.  We don't even know where yet.  I'm also nervous about finding a job.  As soon as we find out where we're going to be, I'm going to start the job search.  Once you know where you'll be living, you can start applying.

If I can't find a job right away, I'll try to do things that will benefit both of us.  Besides cleaning, I've been thinking about taking cooking lessons so I can make nicer meals.

DramaGeek

Since it appears that a lot of you are going through that, and i've been there done that, I decided to just post it here instead of PMing agape.

We got married over Christmas break of my senior year of college.  Our agreement was that I would finish school, go on to grad school, and then get a job so H could return to school full time.  In the meantime, he would take a light load (one or two classes per term) and work full time to support us.

Well, the first year and a half went as planned.  I graduated in May 03 with my BA and then in May 04 with my MAT.   And then it was time to find a job.  Yeah.  Not so good.

Jan 07 was the first time I had something more than a sub job, and that was technically a long term sub position (though it was half the school year).  From May 04 to Jan 07 I subbed and made very little money ($12k was my best year).  It is so, so hard to feel like you're not contributing financially to the household.  I felt like I was holding us back.  We (mostly I) wanted to move to a larger house, but we couldn't afford to until I had a permanent position somewhere.  We didn't really go on vacations or out to eat much.  H would talk about wanting to buy X and I felt like it was my fault he couldn't.

What I learned from it is my husband really did mean "for better or worse."  He never, ever blamed me for not contributing financially and he thanked me for what I did do around the house - laundry, dishes, cleaning, all the finances, all the cooking.  He told me that while I wasn't contributing financially, I was doing something worth a lot - keeping our house presentable, making it so when he came home we were able to just hang out together without having to worry about getting the housework done.

I won't lie, it's a huge blow to the pride to be out of work for nearly 3 years.  My MIL said something to me once about how it's harder for a many to be out of work than a woman because "women don't really care, it's not in their blood to provide for their families."  My H immediately spoke up and told his mom that it might not be in her blood, but that she shouldn't speak for all women as he knew how awful it was for me.  Like you said, I felt useless, I felt like a waste of space, I felt like I wasn't contributing, and I frequently felt like I shouldn't have a say in our finances because it wasn't "my" money.  That all ended when I got a job, even a meager little half time job.  Suddenly I was worth something.  I had money I could call my own.  I was a contributing member of our household and society.  Yay!

All this is to say I know how you're feeling and it's totally normal.  Thankfully I had a fantastic husband who helped me so much by explaining to me that he didn't feel that way, and explaining how he saw my contribution to our household.  I pray that your soon-to-be-Hs are able to do the same to alleviate your fears, and that our Heavenly Father will give you peace about the situation, knowing that you are where he wants you.

AshNoel8

So sorry you are having a hard time! Don't give up on yourself- you will be where God wants you to be and you will be a GREAT wife- job or not. I will pray that you will feel peace. 

LeahVB2011

I'm in those same shoes. I'm quitting my job a month before the wedding which is 88days away and starting a job hunt as soon as we come back from the honeymoon. I'm very nervous I won't have a job but even worse for me, I'm not sure i will have my own car. I'm going to be living in a surburb of a bigger city and I need a car to go anywhere. But my budget is so limited, that I need a job in order to get a decent car. So it might mean driving FI to work and then job hunting in his car. Then getting a job so i can buy a car. It's scary not knowing if you will be able to contribute to your marriage finiancally and for how long. But God is good and He will provide