bachelortte party

missbrittany88

Hey girls,
I need some help!
I am stuck! I am newly engaged, and also the MOH in my girlfriend's wedding. I feel like me being newly engaged has upset my girlfriend because I know she must feel some frustration, because I am supposed to be there for her, planning her big day, and now I have planning of my own to do. I am very excited to be there for her, and I'm trying to spread myself thin, but at times it get difficult. I sense her frustration, and I don't know what to do about it.
My real dilema is this: we've been talking about her bachelorette party, and the things that she wants - I just can't give her. They are not what I believe to be moral. I won't go into detail here. But, I just can't do the things she is asking me to do. I am very excited to make her big day special and perfect. But, I just can't do some of the things she's asking me to do. I don't know how to explain this to her, seeing as how I already sense her frustrations.
I need Godly advice - should I do these things, against my moral will, just because it is what she wants, and I'm supposed to be there for her? What should I do? Help!

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_bachelortte-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:63cfeee5-6999-4fa1-8e2f-a897b34fdd5ePost:54112b60-5706-4c85-bf3f-74cd2b826fb8">bachelortte party</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey girls, I need some help! I am stuck! I am newly engaged, and also the MOH in my girlfriend's wedding. I feel like me being newly engaged has upset my girlfriend because I know she must feel some frustration, because I am supposed to be there for her, planning her big day, and now I have planning of my own to do. I am very excited to be there for her, and I'm trying to spread myself thin, but at times it get difficult. I sense her frustration, and I don't know what to do about it. My real dilema is this: we've been talking about her bachelorette party, and the things that she wants - I just can't give her. They are not what I believe to be moral. I won't go into detail here. But, I just can't do the things she is asking me to do. I am very excited to make her big day special and perfect. But, I just can't do some of the things she's asking me to do. I don't know how to explain this to her, seeing as how I already sense her frustrations. I need Godly advice - should I do these things, against my moral will, just because it is what she wants, and I'm supposed to be there for her? What should I do? Help! <3
Posted by missbrittany88[/QUOTE]

Hi Brittany!  Welcome to the board!  When is your wedding?

If you're good enough friends to be her MOH, then she should already know where you stand morally.  Maybe you could talk to the other BMs to see if any of them would be comfortable hosting the bach party, and you could host a bridal luncheon or something if you really feel you need to do that for her.  If the other BMs aren't comfortable with what the bride wants, then you all should throw the party you're comfortable with, and just let her deal.

Sorry if that sounds a little crabby...but I'm snowed in with my brothers, and I don't get to see FI until the 30th...so...I'm a little crabby right now...

rachael027

I completely understand where you are coming from! I had a friend recently who got married and I was in her wedding and she wanted to go bar hopping for her bachelorette party, I ended up not going to her bachelorette party because I wasn't comfortable with that idea and she was very angry with me and things haven't really been the same between us since.

BUT, I would definitely not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The MOH and sometimes the other bridesmaids are the ones who usually plan the bachelorette party for the bride, the bride doesn't really have much of a hand in the planning of that.

I'm not sure what it is that she's wanting to do that is making you uncomfortable, so I can't give you much specific advice other than to say if she is wanting to go to a bar or club, I would maybe suggest going out to a restaurant that serves alcohol and that way if people want to drink, it will be available to them, but if people don't want to drink then they don't have to without having to feel awkward.

I also want to say that you should not let your friend take away your happiness from being newly engaged! This should make her very happy for you, not upset or jealous. Yes, you are her MOH and it is nice that you have helped her and given her support, but really all that you are required to do is show up wearing your dress and stand up there with her! You don't need to stress yourself out about her day!

Hope this helps!

jenn.daniel

Throw the party YOU'RE comfortable with.  I like fpaemp's suggestion to see if the other BMs would throw the kind of party the bride wants.  Any party is a gift to the bride, so don't feel bad about not giving her exactly what she wants. 

I think the most important part about being a MOH or BM is being there emotionally for the bride and keeping her sane, not throwing parties.

oh, and welcome to the board!

Emily, I'm sorry you're snowed in!

kellya01

I was a BM for my friend's wedding a few years ago, and while one of the other BM's wanted to bring in a male stripper, the other BM's and myself didn't feel comfortable with it and figured the bride wouldn't either... so she got shot down.  We ended up having a fanTASTIC time at a local club dancing, having a couple of cokes, and we gave her some fun "romantic" gifts as a gag-gift type thing.  It was a lot of fun, skirted the side of what I would find morally acceptable, but it didn't cross the line.

If your friend (the bride) really wants something you find morally unacceptable, then, my advice would be to stay out of it and let the bride and her other BM's have all the fun they want.  If any other BM's are of like mind as you, then they won't go to "that part" of the party either.  Doesn't the bride know of your feeling regarding the morals of whatever activity she is interested in (whether it be getting drunk, male strippers, going to a club that is too.... well whatever)... because if you're close enough to be her MOH, she probably knows what you'll do and what you won't do.  I wouldn't change morals for a friend, not even for a bachelorette party. 

missbrittany88

Thank you all so much, girls!
I really like everything all of you said.
I have some thinking to do - but you all have given me some really great ideas!
Thank you all so much!

I'm sorry you're snowed in, Emily!

squeakyduck

Not fun! I've never been in this situation because I'm the first of my friends to get married, but I hope it works out. I'd let someone else plan and I'd only attend the parts I'm comfortable with. (I'm pretty curious as to what she's asking for...but if you don't want to share, I won't push.) I'll say a prayer that you guys can work things out. Let us know how talking to her goes! 

Calypso1977

well, for starters, you shouldnt feel pressured to plan or pay for anything for the bride.  its pretty rude/presumptuous for her to even ask you to plan any events.  as for her actual wedding, its it not your responsiblity to plan it for her.  that's her job.  you have every right to focus on planning yoru own wedding since that's your job.

if you want to and can afford to, offer to throw her a bachelorette that you are comfortable with.  if she is not, then she can perhaps have another bachelorette wtih a group of friends more like minded, or simply decline the one you offer altogether.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_bachelortte-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:63cfeee5-6999-4fa1-8e2f-a897b34fdd5ePost:2daf30c9-8795-4b61-abf8-9baca2cbc24d">Re: bachelortte party</a>:
[QUOTE]I was a BM for my friend's wedding a few years ago, and while one of the other BM's wanted to bring in a male stripper, the other BM's and myself didn't feel comfortable with it and figured the bride wouldn't either... so she got shot down.  We ended up having a fanTASTIC time at a local club dancing, having a couple of cokes, and we gave her some fun "romantic" gifts as a gag-gift type thing.  It was a lot of fun, skirted the side of what I would find morally acceptable, but it didn't cross the line.<strong> If your friend (the bride) really wants something you find morally unacceptable, then, my advice would be to stay out of it and let the bride and her other BM's have all the fun they want.</strong>  If any other BM's are of like mind as you, then they won't go to "that part" of the party either.  Doesn't the bride know of your feeling regarding the morals of whatever activity she is interested in (whether it be getting drunk, male strippers, going to a club that is too.... well whatever)... <strong>because if you're close enough to be her MOH, she probably knows what you'll do and what you won't do.  I wouldn't change morals for a friend, not even for a bachelorette party. 
</strong>Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

Perfect advice. I also agree with Calypso that you shouldn't be <u>expected</u> to plan anything.

I would sit down with her over coffee and gently explain your dilemma. That if you plan and throw the party, you won't go against your morals. If she wants something else, then you can say that you'll step down from throwing that kind of party. Could you plan part of it? Say a dinner or something like that? But explain to her your reasoning, and what you are willing to do. Hopefully she'll be understanding, but I wouldn't compromise my morals for a party.

missbrittany88

You girls are awesome.
I'm praying about this - and I just don't want any feelings to get hurt.
Ok, what she wants - I'm so nervous to say this - she wants to go to a DQ show, to a club or go pole dancing. The club would be where I would draw the line. That would be the only thing I feel I could do - but I cannot morally bring myself to go to the DQ show or go pole dancing.
I think you all have some graet ideas about how to go about this, and I am going to continue to pray about it - her wedding isn't for another 5 months, so I have time - I just need to decide how to tastefully handle it and if I need to pass the torch on, I need to do so smoothly and quickly.
Thank you so much for your ideas (and your prayers).

Calypso1977

what is a DQ ?  some sort of stripper place?

honestly, your morals, values and religion is more important than hurt feelings IMO.

herecomesthebride1986

Drag Queen show...

Calypso1977

lol, how is that even entertaining?

missbrittany88

yes. she wants to go to a draq queen show.
and... i mentioned to her that i happened to go to hs with someone who is now a dq... and - i shouldn't have said that - because i guess now she thinks i have an "In"

i just don't feel like i should have to compromise my beliefs and morals.

not to mention the fact that i don't think my fiance would feel comfortable with me being in those types of environments...

and i don't know why someone would think that's entertaining. i think its disgusting...

thanks girls...

btw - what are some of your ideas for bachelorette parties? when my sister (my moh) asked me what i wanted - i told her i thought karaoke would be fun (not in a bar - but at the house with a karaoke machine.

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_bachelortte-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:63cfeee5-6999-4fa1-8e2f-a897b34fdd5ePost:ef0f5fb2-e51f-4ac3-a301-2595d63d3750">Re: bachelortte party</a>:
[QUOTE]btw - what are some of your ideas for bachelorette parties? when my sister (my moh) asked me what i wanted - i told her i thought karaoke would be fun (not in a bar - but at the house with a karaoke machine.
Posted by missbrittany88[/QUOTE]

We're just doing a girls night back at my house after rehearsal.  It's the only time all my girls will be in the same state before the wedding, and my parents and brothers are going to stay at the hotel we're doing the reception at, so we're just going to play some games and just enjoy being together...and they've mentioned doing some "special" presents they wouldn't be comfortable sending to the shower...lovely...

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_bachelortte-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:63cfeee5-6999-4fa1-8e2f-a897b34fdd5ePost:ef0f5fb2-e51f-4ac3-a301-2595d63d3750">Re: bachelortte party</a>:
[QUOTE]btw - what are some of your ideas for bachelorette parties? when my sister (my moh) asked me what i wanted - i told her i thought karaoke would be fun (not in a bar - but at the house with a karaoke machine.
Posted by missbrittany88[/QUOTE]

My friend is really outdoorsy so we want to rent a cottage for a couple nights and just hang out and have a slumber party kinda thing at the cottage. She's okay with light, social drinking so we might have a couple but nothing outrageous. It's a great compromise between something "exciting and big" and what she loves to do.

Calypso1977

my friends asked what i wanted to do and i said lets just go out for margarita's and apps.  i didnt want them to spend alot.  i know some brides who demand hotels in teh city, limos, etc.  i just dont think its fair to expect your bm's and friends to pay that kind of money for a night out.  and its not like its really your last night out.  i still go out with my girlfriends even though i'm married.

HiddenPaw

I sort of have the opposite problem--I'm the bride who wants something calm, and my non-believer MOH (who was my college roommate) wanted to get pole dancing lessons, and other things.  Luckily I talked her out of that one, and my other bridesmaids who go to my church were like "um, let's do something else..."

For my bachelorette party, we're having a lingerie shower.  I've been to a couple of these for other brides, and it's really fun.  You just get together at somebody's house, and have fun drinks (alcoholic or not) and hors d'oeurves and sweets.  The BMs tell the invitees what your sizes are, and everybody brings you a lingerie gift that you open and show.  I've seen gifts range from pajama pants, to mesh and lace and all that jazz!  One party I went to had everybody come up with names for each of the ensembles, then we chose the best name by a show of hands, then made a "menu" for the future husband to choose from!  The party itself can also be preceded or followed by dinner at a fun restaurant.

I like this because it is a little risque, but not too "out there" because you're affirming that sex should take place in marriage between a husband and wife, and not participating in other activities that you might object to or that might send other messages (like a DQ show or a stripper or such).

MrsTucker2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_bachelortte-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:63cfeee5-6999-4fa1-8e2f-a897b34fdd5ePost:116e2da6-d536-49d8-8ae4-896fc27e1984">Re: bachelortte party</a>:
[QUOTE]I sort of have the opposite problem--I'm the bride who wants something calm, and my non-believer MOH (who was my college roommate) wanted to get pole dancing lessons, and other things.  Luckily I talked her out of that one, and my other bridesmaids who go to my church were like "um, let's do something else..." For my bachelorette party, we're having a lingerie shower.  I've been to a couple of these for other brides, and it's really fun.  You just get together at somebody's house, and have fun drinks (alcoholic or not) and hors d'oeurves and sweets.  The BMs tell the invitees what your sizes are, and everybody brings you a lingerie gift that you open and show.  I've seen gifts range from pajama pants, to mesh and lace and all that jazz!  One party I went to had everybody come up with names for each of the ensembles, then we chose the best name by a show of hands, then made a "menu" for the future husband to choose from!  The party itself can also be preceded or followed by dinner at a fun restaurant. I like this because it is a little risque, but not too "out there" because you're affirming that sex should take place in marriage between a husband and wife, and not participating in other activities that you might object to or that might send other messages (like a DQ show or a stripper or such).
Posted by HiddenPaw[/QUOTE]

I think this would be a good alternative. Who would want to go to a DQ show! Ewwwwwwwwww!
Another thing I've heard done - I don't know how comfortable you are with this... You can actually get pole dancing lesson/party for a bachelorette party at a gym. It's only you and your girls there, and it's a private lesson. I've heard it's fun, just because it's a bunch of girls playing around. Some places give everyone at the party a t-shirt. it's a better alternative to going to a strip or DQ club IMO.

sister2groom

By no means should you compromise on your morals for a party. I think dinner and drinks with a lingerie shower would be a perfect alternative.

Also, you may be worried over nothing and not giving your friend enough credit. Your friend may think you just are shooting down her ideas for no reason. You'd be surprised how many people will back down once they know you can't for moral or religious reasons.

I was really close with a group of non-Christians in college who were constantly egging me on to do things I wasn't comfortable with. They never insisted or forced me to do anything, so I just kept saying no, sometimes they'd laugh at me sort of affectionately and call me a prude. But they didn't hate me or feel judged by me or let my different behavior affect our friendship because they respected my beliefs.

AshNoel8

I agree that you need to stick to what you believe is right. I don't know what we are doing for mine, but here are some of my ideas:

spa day

dinner/see a musical

salsa dancing classes (that's an alternative to pole dancing for your friend)

girls night in/sleepover at my house

maybe even something adventurous like skydiving or white water rafting (although I don't know if I would want to do it without my fiance)

etc.

This summer, we went kayaking for my friend's bachelorette party. It was so much fun! 

jenn.daniel

How about Dairy Queen?  That's a GOOD DQ.

As far as pole dancing, would it be a private lesson?  A lesson w/ some of your girlfirends would be pretty different from going somewhere and actually pole dancing in from of people.  It's supposed to be a good workout, and I could see it being a fun girls-only activity.

herecomesthebride1986

Ya, I would soooo NOT be up for a Drag Queen show either, gross.

I think we're going to have 2 parties... ONe at home, just having a girls night because my future sister in law is only 18 and can't drink till she's 19 (legally, so bars are out).. And then my MOH has something planned for us for the 2nd one.. No idea what though..

charlamander88

I am currently planning a bachlorette with a few other girls for a good friend of mine. Both her and I aren't very "party girl". We dont' enjoy going to the bars and getting wasted until 2:00am.

Instead, we are throwing her a girls night in at one of the other BM's houses. We are going to go get sushi at a nice place downtown and then we are coming back to the house to have some fun, mixed cocktails, maybe some wine and champagne. We are renting some girly movies and some wedding type movies. 27 Dress, No Reservations, Holidy, Bride Wars, we have some fun board games, and a couple of the girls and I are going to make fun snacks and candies. We also bought her some lengire (sp?) that we will give to her.

I am hoping the girls do this for me as well. Don't throw morals out the window for this. If she's your friend, she will understand. Trust me.