Feeling a little down

musicalsunlight

This is something that has been eating at me, and I just need to vent it out. I feel this is the best place to post it, because I know many of you would understand.
As a basic summary of my church life, I went to Sunday school as a child and then experienced a few years of no Christian substance before high school. My parents raised me as a Christian, but more of an open one, I guess. They were both raised Christian and considered themselves spiritual but did not guide or pressure me into any belief system, which I respect their decision to do. I ended up feeling the true connection to God during a 9th grade camp trip and subsequently went to youth group with a friend at her church and became close with them. However, I have since graduated college and now am in law school. I still consider myself a dedicated Christian, but have yet to establish myself as a true member of a church. My FI was raised in a much more conservative family and thus has very strong Christian values, which I love of course. Due to our busy lives and inability to commit to weekly services yet because of our schedules, we are planning on waiting until marriage to settle down in a church as members, mainly to be fair to the church we choose. (We don't want to use a church membership solely for the ability to get married there at the moment when we may not stay in this area after school, etc)

OK...so my point? While I have taken time on my own to read God's word, I have not ever had a personal connection with a pastor. My FI and I are considering contacting his pastor who he was close with in high school, but aren't sure if he's close enough to do our ceremony. I'm just feeling a little sad that I can't fulfill that vision of having a pastor who truly knows BOTH my FI and I in a spiritual way, and can speak to that at the ceremony. I always used to dream of that, because when I go to weddings, I think it is a beautiful thing.

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm hoping that whatever happens, we find a way to spend time with the pastor we choose so that he really knows us, and isn't just a face to represent the power to marry.

Soon2BeMrsTing

I know exactly what you're feeling, because that was a dream of mine as well.  Being married by someone who knew both H and myself well was something I hoped for faintly for years.  I saw other couples benefit from this kind of relationship with a pastor and I wanted that as well.

In our case, there was only one person who fit the criteria for us, and although today he does not work as a pastor full-time, he is ordained.  He and his wife were- individually, before they married in their mid-/late thirties- hugely influential in my life and in H's life, long before we got together.  Matt agreed to marry us...and then his wife announced they were expecting their second child just nine days before our wedding! We had a loose backup plan in the event the delivery was delayed and Matt just couldn't be there.  In the end, the baby came early (and healthy) so he did indeed marry us.  I'm definitely still a little sad that his wife wasn't able to make it to our wedding from several states over, though.

I don't think your desire is unusual or unreasonable, and I think it's worth mentioning to your FI and maybe to his pastor also (or whoever ends up being your officiant.) 

Best wishes to you!

GJones27

I have the same problem.  My longtime priest at the church I'm getting married at passed away, and I don't know the new one very well.  He's only be around for two years, and I live in a different city now.  I did get to know a priest in a new city, but I'm not getting married here.  This priest knew me better when I was at college, since he was a chaplain there, but ever since graduating, I feel like he has blown me off in talking with me.  I think it's been a couple of years since we've actually had a conversation about "how's it going?"  So my FI and I are getting married with the brand new priest in my hometown, and I don't feel 100% comfortable since he doesn't know us that well.

rachelea

When I was little I had always wanted my grandfather to be the pastor at my wedding. However he passed away when I was 19. I actually did have a youth pastor I worked under a few years ago that is currently lined up to do our ceremony. He was a very good friend of mine, not just a pastor I served under. However we are encountering a dilemma. Originally mine and FI's church had guidelines about using their chapel that didn't meet with what we wanted. So we planned on getting married outside at our reception venue. When I mentioned this to a good friend, FI's best friend's wife, who also happens to be the pastor's daughter, she said she can talk to the people at the church and get it to work how we want (how she plans on working on a normaly weekly Sunday evening service I'm not sure...). So since FI really would prefer that, we're going to see what she can do. But they do not allow us to bring an outside pastor. So we may have to use their senior pastor (my friend's dad) who I really don't have a personal connection to, though I love his sermons each week. He will be doing our premarital counseling so perhaps in that time I will feel like he has a stronger meaning in our lives...we'll see.

kellya01

My FI is kind of like you -- raised Christian without pressure, but due to moving, and schedules, can't attend church each week.  We're using my church pastor, and we're going through pre-marital counseling with the pastor so he can get to know my FI. 

Since your situation is reversed, I would let your FI's pastor do the wedding and do counseling with him so you can get to know him and he can get to know you on a spiritual level.  May serve both you in a positive way.  

Best of luck with your decision! 

thereisbeauty_22209556

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_feeling-little-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6530f9ba-626b-4342-9f36-d4bed2bdbf09Post:93a503df-402e-4911-bbdd-02265d487dbe">Re: Feeling a little down</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI is kind of like you -- raised Christian without pressure, but due to moving, and schedules, can't attend church each week.  We're using my church pastor, and we're going through pre-marital counseling with the pastor so he can get to know my FI.  <strong>Since your situation is reversed, I would let your FI's pastor do the wedding and do counseling with him so you can get to know him and he can get to know you on a spiritual level.  May serve both you in a positive way.</strong>   Best of luck with your decision! 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]
 
This is what I was going to suggest.  Good luck!

musicalsunlight

Thanks for all the responses ladies, I'm glad to know I'm not being unreasonable in feeling a little sad about the situation. I am planning on getting to know his pastor better, if he is able to do the wedding (which is still uncertain). Hopefully it all works for the best, which I'm sure it will! I hope it works for you girls too, who mentioned similar issues.

iamjoesgurl

I also felt the same when we were planning to get married.  My dad and sister are ordained, but I wanted them to enjoy being part of the wedding without worrying about officiating.  My uncle is a pastor but DH did not know him.  DH's best friend (his youth pastor when he was a teenager) is a pastor but DH wanted him to be the best man.   DH lived in NY and I lived in MD so neither of us really knew each others' pastors.  We did counseling through a marriage mentor couple.  

DH's pastor when he was growing up was a woman (actually BM's wife) so we ended up asking her if she would do the wedding.  She did not know me well and at first I was bummed about it, but I realized that there really wasn't anyone who knew both of us well and she means a lot to DH.

I was going to suggest what Kelly and thereisbeauty suggested - can you go to FI's pastor for counseling?  He'll get to know you well through that.

AshNoel8

I understand your feelings and I agree with the going to your fiance's pastor for marriage counseling post. That will help him to get to know you as a Christian and as a couple. 

katiepride

I have a little bit different of a suggestion.  Have you considered premarital counseling? We are doing this.  Being recently transferred by his law firm (6 months ago) and me living a state away, we needed to choose a pastor that we were both going to benefit from.  I am moving to be with him after the wedding.  However, neither of us really know the pastor at his church but plan on being active in the church after we marry.  Premarital counseling is a way for us to get to know the preacher and each other better :-).