anyone in a situation like mine?

bridebridebride2012

my fiancee and I were together for 4 yrs before he proposed to me. I am a virgin. He is not but he has been chaste with me.  I know he is not a virgin but not much more than that. I think he was with one girl, but maybe two.  I am fairly sure he regrets it. I think early on he worried I would leave him for it.  Part of me forgives his past and be thankful that he has been chaste with me. What matters most is the person he is now right?  But part of me is jealous that I wont be his first like he'll be mine. I sometimes feel really sad about that.

kcadonau

i'm in a similar situation. DH wasn't before me either, but i forgave him too and it was hard sometimes since he was struggling more than me because i was a virgin and he wasn't. what mattered most to me was that he knew it had been wrong and that he had messed up but had changed and was doing his best for me. when i really thought about it it kinda made me sad but in the end i knew that he's so worth it. my suggestion-if you're worried or anything, talk to him about it. i'm sure he would be willing to talk to you about it or at least listen to your heart, and pray about it. that's what helped me. hth

RebeccaJac

Yep. Same boat! 

I struggle with it sometimes. Totally have forgiven him and respect the life change he made but at times it's hard. It's one of those things I just have to keep deciding to forgive over and over and over. He has pleanty to forgive me for too even though I am a virgin. 

I would tell him how you're feeling, but don't ask for more details. That only makes it worse. If you know who it was or what all happened it makes it easier to imagine and that just sucks. 

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_anyone-situation-like-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6ecc0c00-6583-4d68-81a3-c20e54be0dd8Post:b23a67df-d3bf-410d-aa57-3ba79c15679f">Re: anyone in a situation like mine?</a>:
[QUOTE]What I would remind myself if I were you is that God has forgiven him. If God has wiped his sins away, there isn't a reason to keep dwelling on them.  He has cast them away as far as the east is from the west! I know it's much easier said than done, but I would remind myself of that as much as I could.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

I'm not in this boat, but I second this.

diehld

I think that you've been together for for four years... with no sex... so for him on your wedding night it will still be special for him. Because thats what I think you are most worried about it. It will be with you... and he will be only with you the rest of your life! Thats all that matters... 

faith415

Same situation.

FI made it a point to let me know about it before we started dated and I told him then that I didn't hold it against him. That doesn't mean that I haven't had insecurites creep up about it from time to time, but when they do I remind myself that I already told him I forgave him so nothing good will come of me bringing it up. I can't get upset with him for something I forgave 6 years ago, that wouldn't be fair to him. That helps me to stop myself from getting upset over it. Also, I try not to think about it, it won't benefit me to dwell on it in any way.

What the two of you have is extremely special no matter what. Focus on the fact that it'll be your first time together.

randlettandfraleigh

I am in the same boat. And in the beginning it was more difficult for me, thinking that I might not be good enough for him since he was more experienced. But we have been very honest about it, he has shared his regret that he gave it away so easily, and I have learned to be honest when I am feeling insecure and to give it up to God. 

Maybe it is because we are now married, but I have not even thought about for a while. At the end of the day, I know he wants to be with me in every way. 

abbeylynne06

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_anyone-situation-like-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6ecc0c00-6583-4d68-81a3-c20e54be0dd8Post:7fac6f51-3c43-4f3c-aa17-7b25352885f7">anyone in a situation like mine?</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiancee and I were together for 4 yrs before he proposed to me. I am a virgin. He is not but he has been chaste with me. <strong> I know he is not a virgin but not much more than that.</strong> <strong>I think he was with one girl, but maybe two.  I am fairly sure he regrets it.</strong> I think early on he worried I would leave him for it.  Part of me forgives his past and be thankful that he has been chaste with me. What matters most is the person he is now right?  But part of me is jealous that I wont be his first like he'll be mine. I sometimes feel really sad about that.
Posted by bridebridebride2012[/QUOTE]

The above that's bolded would be the biggest worry to me.  That stood out to me immediately when I read your post.

I think you guys need to talk through things a some and make sure you're on the same page about stuff.  I mean, if you've been abstinent together for 4 years, you're obviously on the same page there, but I think you do need to talk through sexual history... not to get details, but just to have an idea where each one is coming from, make sure you have similar expectations, and talk about how it's making you feel that you will be coming into your wedding night as a virgin when he is not.  COMMUNICATION is absolutely the key here, IMO.

bridebridebride2012

Diehld, yes - I do wonder if our first time will be really special or amazing for him since it won't be his first time.  or, that first the tiniest fraction of a second he'll remember his first time with someone else. 

AbbeyLynne, can you please tell me what you mean by communicating expectations?  If I get what your saying, he has said we'll take it slow my first time. if things hurt too much we can take a couple days if we need to.

Overall I think we do have good communication. I just worry that some of the communication I want to have about this topic might be for the wrong reasons or might end up causing either of us pain that's not necessary. Or as pp's have said, there's some things you need to offer up in prayer instead of trying to logically sort it all out. I don't want to put him through a tough heart-2-heart talk if my truest motivations for it are ego driven. I think the secular world puts out this message that communication is the fix-all to everything, but I think there's more to it (and more to it than just knowing when not to speak).

Part of what I need to bring to prayer is accepting that I am giving a gift that isn't being perfectly reciprocated. That doesn't make my gift less worth giving, and he isn't less deserving of it.  God gives us tons of gifts that we never really give back equally, or even fractionally.

And i just have to accept the fact that the dream I had when I was in high school isn't going to play out like I had planned (the dream that I would marry a guy who is also a virgin and we'd each have our first time together), but I need to just let go of that and be thankful for all the countless things that are good for the way things are before me.  BTW, there are TONS of things about my high school dreams that I'm sooo glad didn't happen   Thinking of the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers".

thank you everyone for your support.  i have enjoyed reading all your responses. they have all been helpful.

RebeccaJac

Off of what PP have said, communication is key, but you will be opening yourself up for more hurt if you know things like who and details. Talk about your expectations for your future sex life but digging up the past will likely lead to pain-- speaking from experience here. 

FI and many other friends who have made the same mistake have shared that while they have the memory of having sex with someone, they don't remember what it felt like emotionally. There are no lingering feelings or re-living the emotional connection. 

Knowing that helps me SO much because I know I'M going to be the one that has that emotional connection with him. I still have very bad feelings for the woman he lost his virginity to, but with time it's getting better. 

Feel it out, only you know your relationship and if you're getting married it'll be strong enough to withstand whatever awkward of painful conversations that come from this. Good luck!! 

abbeylynne06

Yes, I think you need to communicate your expectations about what that time will be like, how fast/slow you'll take things, what you might do if things aren't going well, etc.  It's kind of a strange conversation, I suppose, but communicating about all of that stuff is key.

And, I wasn't meaning to like dig into the details of his past sexual experiences, but I do find it a little strange that you don't know how many people he was with, or even if he regretted it.  The fact that it's part of his sexual history will impact things... I just meant that you need to talk about how you're feeling about this, how you're feeling that it won't be his first time, all of that. 

cnrec

Don't worry about him thinking about waht was or his first time. He is marrying YOU not them, he loves YOU not them. If he think about his first time when with you, it will only add to his love for in remembering, he will know that now he has it right and he is with the right person.
Also, on the recpericating (sorry on spelling ) He is a virgin again. In choosing to become chaste again for, God healed him and made him whole again. He is now as pure as you and will be able to give you the same gift you are giving him. You guys are going to have a wonderful and loving marriage! God loves you!


Sorry if that sounded pushy, I just felt the need to tell you all of that. sorry!

kiwisnmangos

Same situation... but flipped around

We've been together for 4 years, but the first year and a half or two was really hard for him to forgive me of my mistakes because he was a virgin, I had been with 1 guy, it was so unmeaningful, and sort of a thing i was manipulated into, although i did it, I regret so so much. and I'm pretty sure I was date-raped by this other guy that I went to a highschool party with (i kept this a secret when I was 13 years old, it was a blackout, and woke up with him on me kind of thing. I was too embarassed to talk to anyone about it) But I was completely honest with my (fiance now) and it's been something we both have had to go through a healing process with. But the one thing that made it work was communication, and our personal relationship with Christ. When you have that strong relationship with God, it makes you want to love and forgive like christ does. You have a deeper compassion and understanding. Of course it hurts to think about it, but we are moving forward now, and we will be getting married in 3 weeks. And if we have a daughter, I'm going to have an open and honest relationship with her, when she is old enough, to talk to her about the importance of sex between husband and wife. The only sex ed I ever had were though friends at school and my sister who is very sexually active..

It's hard to forgive and it's not something that is going to feel good or be easy, or happen overnight. But if you two really want to move forward, sit together and have an open and honest conversation. it may be a little uncomfortable at first, but after you get that hurt and baggage out of your system, it really frees you and takes your relationship to a whole new meaning. you grow strong together. 

I know people probably tell you "what matters is that he is marrying you, not anyone else" but you wanted that special first time with each other. Of course, it's a God-given, blessed, gift that is saved for your lifelong spouse. But there really isn't anything he can do other than ask you for forgiveness. If you forgive him, don't manipulate him or make him feel bad by bringing it up whenever, ifever, your own personal issues surface. I know that sounds really offensive, but it's so easy to use someones past mistakes that they would do ANYTHING to take back, and use that to manipulate them, or to cover any mistakes you make in the future.

But one thing you should think about is, you love HIM. We are formed and molded from experiences, wisdom from authority, and of course - mistakes that we learn from. Loving him comes along with loving the fact that he can overcome and mature from past mistakes.