Question for Christian knotties

JoyMatt424

For several years now - I have had terrible self esteem, probably since college started. I thought this would go away when I got engaged but it sorta just stayed the same. It's like, my brain knows that I have a lot to be thankful for about myself, but everytime I look in the mirror I find something to criticize, something to dislike, and something to compare with others.

 Lately - my lack of self esteem is the thing I don't like about myself (irony for ya). Has anyone struggled with this? How have you dealt with it over time or overcome it? I have tried desperately to not let it affect my relationship with FI, because I know he loves me and the way I look so much, but yet it's not enough for me in my own head. I don't know how to battle this, and I hate it. I hear the words "You are so beautiful" a lot from him, my parents, and my friends.. and I wish I believed it in my heart too!

fpaemp2011

I've had the same issue since middle school...I just never got over that early teenage funk.  I had a close group of friends, but we were the dorks, we weren't popular, and we were made fun of for being Christians.  We didn't have to worry about peer pressure because no one ever invited us to the parties. 

I'm grateful for my friends, as we are all still close now, but I've had trouble learning to come out of my shell as I am and not trying to sugar coat my emotions.  FI tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and compliments how I look, but I'm still not used to it.  I, and even my 2 HS boyfriends were raised with the "beauty is on the inside" mindset, so no one ever focused on compliments. 

The struggle with myself, not knowing why people loved/cared for me, and not knowing how to ask for help led to serious depression and suicidal thoughts through 9th and the first part of 10th grade, and it resurfaced my freshman year of college when there was drama in my dorm surronding my friends (which I will readily admit I did not handle correctly).  I couldn't handle the stress, and I didn't think anyone cared enough to help me, even though I was/am at a Christian university.

I finally learned that I could not get over it by myself.  I had to admit that I needed help to my friends and, most importantly, to God.  He knew I needed help, and I never left His hand, but it's easier to hold someone's hand and walk with them when you take the blindfold off of your own eyes.  I don't have frequent thoughts of not wanting to live anymore, but there is still part of me that thinks I can never be who I was supposed to be, who my parents wanted me to be, because I didn't allow God to totally direct me. 

When I write these thoughts out, I realize how ludicrous they are because we are all works in progress..."He's still working on me, to make me what I oughta be."  God is never done with us...it is out of our brokenness that He does some of the most amazing things as He is putting us back together.

I don't know if any of that made sense, but I think self-esteem is something that many women deal with, even if they don't admit it.  I have to remind myself that I am loved by so many (which they tell me all the time) to force myself out of my own funk sometimes.  I've seen what can happen if I let it get out of hand. I hate that place and never want to find myself in that pit again.

katanne9

Yup! Several years when I was younger I seriously struggled with my self image and confidence. It was a major, major struggle in my life at the time.

You should continue to spend time in prayer about this regularly. I would encourage you to have others (parents and SO) do the same on your behalf.

During that time I read Matthew 6 on a regular basis.

I would also recommend reading "Captivating" by John and Stacy Eldridge. I have also heard many good things about "Authentic Beauty" by Leslie Ludy.

Ultimately, only you can free yourself of this. It's in your mind 100%. I wish you the best. After I finally broke through that struggle I have never looked back. Good luck : )

thereisbeauty_22209556

I know exactly how you feel.  It's funny, because everytime I see your picture on the boards here, I think "Wow, she's gorgeous!"  You really are, dear.    But I know how frustrating it can be to hear that when you are still incapable of seeing it yourself.  My biggest fear right now is that I am not going to feel beautiful on my wedding day.  I want that one day, at least, to feel different for me.  I don't want to have to worry about my hair looking stupid or my face being ugly or berating myself for eating or any other of the many things that I am constantly finding to dislike about myself.  I guess I don't really have any advice to give you, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.  In my experience, the times when I have felt the most beautiful are when I am spending the most quality time with God and really just accepting his love and his promises.  As cliche as it may sound, God thinks you're beatiful, and he wants nothing more than to show you that. 

JoyMatt424

Wow, coming back here and reading your posts, you are all such a blessing. To know I am not alone, though everyone says "you're not alone" it can be tough to handle unless you hear someone say "I've gone through that too". I definitely appreciate what you've all said and I agree, I think that a lot of women struggle with this, and it's upsetting that it is that big of an issue for so many gorgeous women. I will definitely try to spend more time with God - I think that is probably the biggest factor in all of this. I actually got the "Captivating" book for my birthday from a friend several years ago, and never read it! I think it is time to crack it open. Thanks for your encouragement, I appreciate it more than you will know!

sessionswedding

I was talking last night to a friend (and bridesmaid) of mine who struggles with anorexia and seroius self-image issues.  I have been getting better about learning to love myself, but it's still a struggle when I feel fat.  I think most women feel it about themselves at least some of the time.  No you're not alone and yes you are very pretty!  Other than that I will be praying!

kellya01

I have struggled with this issue too -- I am a plus-sized girl so it's really hard when I see magazines and tv shows with all of these people considered "beautiful" and then I see myself in the mirror... anyway, I know how you feel.  

I was so comfortable with myself for a while, but recently I have begun to pursue ways to lose weight to hit my goal weight / size, and hopefully by FINALLY stepping forward to make this change in my life, I'll be even MORE comfortable with myself.  I'm tired of the extra weight, and God has given me the strength to go for it despite the pain it may cause.  Plus, he is healing me of a fracture in my foot which has prohibited a lot of exercise for the past 2 years, and I take that as clear instruction from God to go for it!  

Many of us "christians" struggle with things just like everyone else and this is a great place to get people all over the world to help you through it.  God loves you for you, no matter what you look like or feel like.  You are his PRINCESS!!! 

jenn.daniel

::waves from June 2011 board::  don't worry, I'll do a separate intro post and try not to thread-jack.

I know the irony of not liking that you don't like yourself.  It's a horrible cycle.  It's hard to break, but I feel like the littlest thing gets the cycle going again.  My FI has been so supportive.  I hate it that my lack of self-esteem hurts him, which of course makes me feel guilty about making him feel bad.  Sometimes it helps to remember that not only do I need to respect myself for my own sake, but also for FI's sake. 

I've been very open w/FI about my self-esteem issues.  Having a support system is SO important.  Actually using that support system is even more important.  Things started improving for me when I finally acknowledged that I couldn't deal with it alone.

thereisbeauty_22209556

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_question-christian-knotties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6f0dedfb-a99c-4911-8389-dc451d6b216bPost:189974dc-ea92-4bf1-9348-816eaa75bf7c">Re: Question for Christian knotties</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, coming back here and reading your posts, you are all such a blessing. To know I am not alone, though everyone says "you're not alone" it can be tough to handle unless you hear someone say "I've gone through that too". I definitely appreciate what you've all said and I agree, I think that a lot of women struggle with this, and it's upsetting that it is that big of an issue for so many gorgeous women. I will definitely try to spend more time with God - I think that is probably the biggest factor in all of this. <strong>I actually got the "Captivating" book for my birthday from a friend several years ago, and never read it! I think it is time to crack it open.</strong> Thanks for your encouragement, I appreciate it more than you will know!
Posted by JoyMatt424[/QUOTE]

DEFINITELY read it!  I did that book a few years ago with a small, girls bible study that I was in.  There were a few <strong><em>minor</em></strong> things that we didn't like about it, but it's awesome.  I've really been wanting to read it again lately.

hanson2B

"Captivating" is a great book.

I think what actually helped me perceive my own beauty and worth was understanding how I feel about the people I love.  Don't you just feel sometimes like your FI was handcrafted to perfection by God?  Like the way you love him is beyond appearance or personality alone but somehow is even greater?  Although we don't usually call guys "beautiful," he really IS beautiful, isn't he?

And then you could look at your parents or your best friend or someone... maybe your parents aren't physically gorgeous, and of course they have their faults, but if you've ever seen their wedding photos or a photo of them holding you as a baby, can you imagine ever seeing someone look more beautiful or perfect in that moment?

It's hard to see ourselves the way other people see us, but just think of the way that you see other people and understand that that's exactly how they see you

MrsTucker2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_question-christian-knotties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6f0dedfb-a99c-4911-8389-dc451d6b216bPost:5e83dd38-617a-456f-be91-5c2940de6d8d">Re: Question for Christian knotties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question for Christian knotties : DEFINITELY read it!  I did that book a few years ago with a small, girls bible study that I was in.  There were a few minor  things that we didn't like about it, but it's awesome.  I've really been wanting to read it again lately.
Posted by thereisbeauty@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

I was going to suggest it, but I'm glad that someone already did! it's a great read - I suggest, curl up in a comfy sweater with some coffee or tea, and read the book. You'll feel appreciated and loved in no time. :)

JoyMatt424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_question-christian-knotties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:6f0dedfb-a99c-4911-8389-dc451d6b216bPost:9c966471-1d42-4b9b-8646-4aebd2059326">Re: Question for Christian knotties</a>:
[QUOTE]"<strong> Don't you just feel sometimes like your FI was handcrafted to perfection by God?  Like the way you love him is beyond appearance or personality alone but somehow is even greater?  Although we don't usually call guys "beautiful," he really IS beautiful, isn't he? </strong>
Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]

Oh man, absolutely! You said it perfectly.

Thanks for everyones encouragement so much!! I love coming back here to see what everyone has written, you are all lovely women.

AshNoel8

In addition to the book you mentioned (which I have never read- let me know how it is), I would also recommend The Purpose Driven Life. You may have already read it (it's pretty much a must-read for Christians), but if you haven't, it really shows us what our purpose is. It shows us that God made us EXACTLY how he wanted us to look, act, etc. He created you just how he wanted you. And, not to repeat what your family, fiance and friends say, but you ARE beautiful. Keep reminding yourself of how much God and your loved ones care about you. I will say a prayer for you!