XP from TN: Internal struggle

sessionswedding

I posted this on BNOTB on TN, but I would also like to get a perspective on it from sisters in Christ.

I've been dealing over the past few months with this nagging feeling that I don't want to have children at all. I think about it almost on a daily basis. I talked to DH about it last night and he still wants 1 and is still shooting for approximately 4 years from now to start trying (which flows with OUR original plan to have only 1 child and start trying 5 years after the wedding). He also thinks that I will change my mind, since I so badly wanted as many as 4 kids a few years ago. He thinks I might be going through a phase or something since I JUST got married and am just ABOUT to move into our first home and therefore kinda like things the way they are. And he may very well be right.

I just can't help feeling like there are too many things about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood that don't at all appeal to me. And I can't help thinking that for someone for whom a list of cons could be made about having a baby, motherhood might not be the best idea. But maybe I'll feel differently 4 years from now?

I don't know. I guess I just wanted to vent a little.

AshNoel8

Four years is a long time and a lot can change in that time. If  you can, try to just enjoy your H and all your experiences together right now. When that 5-year-from-the-wedding mark comes closer, see how you feel. 

I think that no matter what you decide, you will be sure of it when that time comes. My only question is- will your H be heartbroken if you are dead set against a child 4 years from now, or will he be okay with it? I think it's good that you voiced your concerns to him and in 4 years (or slightly less), you two should talk about it and come to the decision that is best for both of you. As long as you both feel at peace with the decision in 2016, it will all work out. 

Ultimately, I believe that it is God's will when it comes to babies, so if He thinks you and your H will be great parents, it will happen. But try not to think about it too much right now, girl! Just have fun with your H and see what God has in store in the future.    

sessionswedding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-from-tn-internal-struggle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7d392377-868d-480b-be14-36af37da1342Post:f3cbecf1-4fde-448c-8ec6-2b5664848de0">Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle</a>:
[QUOTE]My only question is- will your H be heartbroken if you are dead set against a child 4 years from now, or will he be okay with it?    
Posted by AshNoel8[/QUOTE]
I asked him if he thought he could go completely childless, and he said no, that he wanted one.  But ONLY one, not two or more.  He also said that he didn't think I could go childless either, i.e. he thinks I'll either eventually want kids or regret not having them.

GJones27

I understand a bit how you feel.  A part of me wants children so badly.  But a teeny tiny part of me doesn't want them (at least for now), because I know the havoc it will wreck on my body when I already have a lot of physical ailments and the time and energy that have to go into kids.  I think it's natural to feel that way.  And I think that with time, those fears and worries can go away.  If I remember correctly, you two are still very young.  You guys haven't had a chance to really live for yourselves yet.  I know you've been pretty busy getting your home built. I wouldn't even worry about the whole kids thing until you are in your late 20's or early 30's perhaps, as the "baby" instinct in women badly kicks in around 30 I hear.  If you wanted lots of kids initially, my guess is that this feeling is temporary and situational.  I would just try to keep it a little quiet for now, as you wouldn't want to disappoint your husband and make him think that it is a bigger issue when it's likely not in the grand scheme of things.  Btw, I get the feeling that men want kids earlier than women... they don't have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, or nursing!  

And prayer is also good.  I would try to remember the example of the Virgin Mary.  She learned to trust God when it came to having a child.  It was a terrifying thing to be pregnant in her situation, but she accepted it as God's will.  I'm not saying that pregnancy has to be in your future, but if it happens, everything will work out if you trust in God. 

GunzNRoses213

You have plenty of time before your 4 year mark ... Enjoy the time ... Pray about it , but I woudlnt be dead set against it forever /tell him that if that's what he will want... Pray that you will both want the same thing at the same time and go from there when you get to it ..

Right now , you absolutly dont so it's hard to imagine that one day you'd feel differently ...But you might ...

mrandmrsbrist

A lot can change in 4 years. And I think you know that, so I won't harp on that too much.

I agree that it's probably a bit of a phase with moving into the new house and liking things they way they are. Allow yourself to enjoy that and don't feel like a decision about children has to be made right the heck now.

I also think your H owes it to you to actually think about what would happen if you don't change your mind. Because it sounds like he's just putting off thinking about it because you'll change your mind...which isn't fair to either of you.

AshNoel8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-from-tn-internal-struggle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7d392377-868d-480b-be14-36af37da1342Post:49f3e0f5-4745-40b9-95d9-05fbf76410b3">Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand a bit how you feel.  A part of me wants children so badly.  But a teeny tiny part of me doesn't want them (at least for now), because I know the havoc it will wreck on my body when I already have a lot of physical ailments and the time and energy that have to go into kids.  I think it's natural to feel that way.  And I think that with time, those fears and worries can go away.  If I remember correctly, you two are still very young.  You guys haven't had a chance to really live for yourselves yet.  I know you've been pretty busy getting your home built. I wouldn't even worry about the whole kids thing until you are in your late 20's or early 30's perhaps, as the "baby" instinct in women badly kicks in around 30 I hear.  If you wanted lots of kids initially, my guess is that this feeling is temporary and situational.  I would just try to keep it a little quiet for now, as you wouldn't want to disappoint your husband and make him think that it is a bigger issue when it's likely not in the grand scheme of things.  <strong>Btw, I get the feeling that men want kids earlier than women... </strong>they don't have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, or nursing!   And prayer is also good.  I would try to remember the example of the Virgin Mary.  She learned to trust God when it came to having a child.  It was a terrifying thing to be pregnant in her situation, but she accepted it as God's will.  I'm not saying that pregnancy has to be in your future, but if it happens, everything will work out if you trust in God. 
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Haha, not in my case! If it were up to me, we would have started TTC on the wedding night haha! But H wanted to wait a bit longer than that, and I am fine with that. However, I am not like a lot of modern women when it comes to that kind of stuff. I would much rather be a SAHM than work, but I don't know if that will be possible financially. </div>

DramaGeek

You know that we are childless by choice and have been for 10 years.  I have found that my desire to have children has gotten even smaller over the past 10 years.  I didn't even think that was possible!  But, it is - I am more sure now than I ever was that I do not want children.  I do not want to be pregnant, I do not want to give birth, and there is only one circumstance under which I would be willing to become a mother - that would be if we gained custody of our nephew or another child in need of a stable family.

You may find that your feelings change over the next four years.  You may find that they don't.  I think you can say "Hey, H, let's just enjoy life and revisit this conversation again in 3 years."  Then in 3 years, see where you're at.

Ash61612

I agree with all the advice that has been given all ready. It is all good advice. I think its good you are both being honest with each other on what you both want. However. I am not saying either one is right. 4 years is a long way off and a lot can change in that time frame. I would still pray about it together and separately and see what God has in store for your marriage. 

Do you have nieces or nephews? Do you enjoy being around them? or is it more of the physical part that you are worried about?

sessionswedding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-from-tn-internal-struggle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7d392377-868d-480b-be14-36af37da1342Post:b65febb7-74d9-4a9d-9caa-3db39b79478b">Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with all the advice that has been given all ready. It is all good advice. I think its good you are both being honest with each other on what you both want. However. I am not saying either one is right. 4 years is a long way off and a lot can change in that time frame. I would still pray about it together and separately and see what God has in store for your marriage. <strong> Do you have nieces or nephews?</strong> Do you enjoy being around them? or is it more of the physical part that you are worried about?
Posted by Ash61612[/QUOTE]
I have a brother who is almost 11 years younger than me, and DH has 2 nephews and a niece.

When my brother was born, there was a lot of drama in my family.  I think my mom went through PPD, and during the first few years of my brothers' life my parents separated and reconciled <strong>3 times</strong>.  It got to a point where they just put the crib in my bedroom.  When my brother called me "mommy" in front of my dad, some changes started occurring, but I was basically raising him for a while.  I fed him, bathed him, changed him, got up with him, and helped potty train him.  When my parents went to the grocery store, my mom would sometimes ask ME whether we were low on diapers, formula, etc.  Mind you, I wasn't yet 14 during all this.  Before I started high school I knew how to hold a sleeping baby over one shoulder, a diaper bag over the other, then strap said sleeping baby into a carseat without waking him up.  It could just be that I'm burnt out.  I didn't really enjoy caring for my brother all the time like that, but that could just be because I knew that I wasn't supposed to be the one doing it.  I'm sure it'll be different if it's my own.

DH's niece is at that stage where she's starting to roll her eyes and talk back to her parents.  That frustrates me so bad that it makes me worry how I'd react to my own child doing it, lol.

SugarFoote

I think I am in the same boat as you. Except I've never had the desire to have children. I like babies. I think they are cute. But once they get out of the holding stage, they get on my nerves. I don't do diapers and throw up. It makes me cringe just thinking about. I had told FI if he didn't agree with 0-1 then he shouldn't be with me. If children were something he wanted then he should that opportunity and I just wasn't it. He said he didn't care how many children we had. I also think he thinks I will change my mind and that is a possiblity after I have 1.

Don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled if I got pregnant. But it wouldn't bother me in the least if I never got pregnant.

joe&cassie

The first thought that popped into my mind was adoption.  There are so many babies out there that you and your H could adopt.  You wouldn't have to go through pregnancy and childbirth and but the baby would still be yours.  Or you could even try Foster care and if you decide you do want your own baby you could TTC after. 

ochemjenn

I don't want children and have never wanted children.  DH went through a phase before we were engaged when he wanted kids.  That lasted about a month.  At that time I made a list of pros and cons.  The problem was, I had lots of cons, and the only pros I could come up with were superficial (bigger boobs for a few months!).  In addition to not liking kids and and aversion to sickenss, I honestly don't think I would be a good parent, and I think a lot of that has to do with how I was raised. 

Also, you have plenty of time.  Four years is a long time.  If you get the the point where you do regret not having kids, you could always adopt.

sessionswedding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-from-tn-internal-struggle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7d392377-868d-480b-be14-36af37da1342Post:a2a52924-760c-4434-9e0f-8657938dbbe8">Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle</a>:
[QUOTE]The first thought that popped into my mind was adoption.  There are so many babies out there that you and your H could adopt.  You wouldn't have to go through pregnancy and childbirth and but the baby would still be yours.  Or you could even try Foster care and if you decide you do want your own baby you could TTC after. 
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]
See, I have talked to DH about adopting instead of having our own, but he was against it.  He said that he would like for us to at least try to have our own first.  We haven't talked in a while about what we would do if we're infertile, but I think we decided that if we were infertile we would remain childless.  That may change as well.

GJones27

Yeah, it sounds like you need some time for yourself. You didn't get a truly carefree childhood, and I can understand how you didn't enjoy it because it was a decision forced onto you by your parents and it is more than a kid should have to handle. But parenthood can certainly be rewarding once you are ready for it. And I definitely think you guys should enjoy the first few years of marriage until you have to make a decision either way. At this point, neither one of you can really turn back ie divorce as Christians, but Christian couples have certainly gone through these issues before. You can always consult with a priest or pastor if you guys find yourselves disagreeing still in the future. Couples make it work.

sessionswedding

I don't think divorce would be an issue.  I think we'll eventually come to some agreement.  We're technically in agreement now (1 kid in 4 years), I'm just feeling weird about the agreement at the moment,

I have been thinking about trying to make a list or something of all the things I want to do before we have kids.  If we can make that list and accomplish those things first, I think I'll be ready to have a baby at the end of it.  Like you said GJones, I think having to care for my brother as a kid made me want to have time for myself now.

RebeccaJac

Don't make any permanent decisions now and wait it out. You're still young and figuring marriage out. Who knows what life will look like! We're on the 4 year plan too and I have no idea what our family will end up looking like. 

BTW, your situation is super abnormal. So sorry you went through that, but you have the power to set a different story for your kids! 

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-from-tn-internal-struggle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7d392377-868d-480b-be14-36af37da1342Post:255afc50-2a35-40ab-967c-0dbbc2081462">Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think divorce would be an issue.  I think we'll eventually come to some agreement.  We're technically in agreement now (1 kid in 4 years), I'm just feeling weird about the agreement at the moment, I have been thinking about trying to make a list or something of all the things I want to do before we have kids.  If we can make that list and accomplish those things first, I think I'll be ready to have a baby at the end of it.  Like you said GJones, I think having to care for my brother as a kid made me want to have time for myself now.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

<div>Rando question ;)</div><div>
</div><div>Have you prayed about this? About feeling weird about the current agreement?</div>

sessionswedding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_xp-from-tn-internal-struggle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:7d392377-868d-480b-be14-36af37da1342Post:c56dd907-52d8-4a20-bb7b-d819628dcee3">Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP from TN: Internal struggle : Rando question ;) Have you prayed about this? About feeling weird about the current agreement?
Posted by mrandmrsbrist[/QUOTE]
Normally I don't have a problem articulating myself in prayer, but when I try to pray about this issue, the only word that comes out is "help?"  Lol.  I feel so confused about it that it's like I don't know where to begin.  I have asked God for His will to be done in the situation.  I can't help thinking that the confusion is in some way a message from God about my future family.  Maybe He's trying to tell me not to have a child?  To adopt instead?  (DH last night said he would be OK with adoption after all.)  That I may not be able to have a child at all and I should be prepared?  Just trying to figure that out.

Also, about the situation with my brother, there is one silver lining.  If changing diapers and folding strollers are like riding a bike - you never forget how to do it - then I am specially equipped to be a first-time mother, haha.  No need for me to panic when the baby cries at home for the first time, I GOT THIS.  Haha.