deciding on a church

sellis128

Hello ladies...I don't post on this board very often, but I am having a hard time with something, and I know y'all can help me out with this better than my local board.

FI and I are members to seperate churches.  We have decided to attend my church, but I am to the point as to when should he start coming full time?  I feel like we aren't together spirtually, and part of that is because we are always separated! I voice my concerns to him, and he says he understands, but then it's like he ignores it and just goes to his church on Sunday....I'm bringing it up with the pastor tonight at our counseling session, but I figured I would ask for y'alls feedback as well.

Thanks!

drama1308

Try going to a new church together. Maybe he feels like you are at home in your church but he's "the odd man out." FI and I decided that we would start looking for churches together and not go to "my" church or "his" church.

kellya01

My FI feels kind of the same -- we are going to go to church together after the wedding, but he lives 35 mins away and doesn't feel like coming to my church (even though that's where we're getting married) because I know everyone, I sing in the choir, etc, and he would feel very isolated.  Totally understandable issue.

I'd just be happy that he is faithfully attending his church for now, and then the both of you decide where to go after the wedding.  If you really want to start going to church together, I like PP's suggestion of trying a different church, but after you've gotten the taste of another 2 or 3 churches in your area, don't discount yours or his.. go to them together too.  Once your brain has a couple of weeks to cleanse its "church" pallatte, you can both see pros and cons of all of the different churches and with as little bias as possible.

GL! 

sister2groom

I like Kelly's idea.

Also, why not invite start having people from your church over for dinner? Or socializing with them in some other way. I really think it would be great if you could go to a couple's Bible study at your church together, it's usually a good idea to do a couple's Bible study anyhow, but if you guys joined one together it would be something you'd both be new to and maybe your FI wouldn't feel quite so alone in being a newbie.

That way when he does start attending church with you, you won't be the only person he knows. Just try to think about the last time you attended someone else's church with them. It's kind of akward because you know them well but not ANYONE else and you kind of feel like you're holding them back from hanging out with their friends (unless I'm the only one who'se ever felt that way)

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_deciding-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:96211754-fa20-4a8b-9399-93df61926434Post:559d3cad-195e-419e-b183-65fb43df05fa">Re: deciding on a church</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI feels kind of the same -- we are going to go to church together after the wedding, but he lives 35 mins away and doesn't feel like coming to my church (even though that's where we're getting married) because I know everyone, I sing in the choir, etc, and he would feel very isolated.  Totally understandable issue. I'd just be happy that he is faithfully attending his church for now, and then the both of you decide where to go after the wedding.  If you really want to start going to church together, I like PP's suggestion of trying a different church, but after you've gotten the taste of another 2 or 3 churches in your area, don't discount yours or his.. go to them together too.  Once your brain has a couple of weeks to cleanse its "church" pallatte, you can both see pros and cons of all of the different churches and with as little bias as possible. GL! 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

Kellya, isn't he still going to feel isolated after the wedding?  I mean, the only thing that will change is that either you will both be driving 35 minutes to church or you'll both live closer, but in the end you'll still know everyone and sing in the choir and he...won't.  I don't follow the line of thinking.

As far as when to start attending together, H and I started as soon as we knew we'd be marrying each other, so about a year before we got engaged.  We decided to find a new church together instead of attending a church that "belonged" to one or the other of us.  It was also important to us that the pastor who married us know us as a couple.

Ironically, our church was booked for our date and our pastor was out of town to boot.  Our schedules didn't allow for any flexibility with our date, so we had to find a different venue and pastor.  We ended up getting married at my childhood church with the pastor who's known me since I was born.  A few years later, we left our church and ended up back at my childhood church.  Funny how it all worked out that way!

Anyway, OP, I'd figure out why he's so resistant to changing.  There's no time like the present, you know?  Suggest trying to find a new church together, that might be the perfect solution.

iamjoesgurl

I was in a similar situation and so I'll share how it worked out for us.  We were in a LDR until the wedding - he lived in NY and I lived in MD.  So we naturally went to different churches.  I did not care for his church and he did not care for mine.  I was a member of the church (still am) and was very active in the church.  He moved to MD after the wedding and for a few months we attended church at my church.  I prayed about it and really felt that we should be in a church that we both loved and where we were being ministered to.  So we started attending different churches.  We went to each one for at least a few months and I prayed about it a lot.  In retrospect, I wish we had prayed together.  We don't do that often enough.  We've finally settled on our church and will be joining a small group in February.  That's how it worked out for us.

The only advice I have is to keep praying about where God will lead the two of you.  Also, I don't know the two of you at all, but I am wondering if he is okay with attending your church.  Can you talk more about that?  I'm glad that you are talking with your pastor about this since he knows you and might have some better advice for you.

This is such a tough situation because you are both members of your churches so I'm sure you both love your church.  I just said a prayer for you both.

kellya01

Sorry, meant to clarify -- we are going to be living in a different geographical area from where I live now, so staying where I've been a member since I was 9 won't really be an option.  It would be a 45 minute drive, and we want to plug into our 'new' community after the wedding.  

So, we'll be going to church together THEN, and we aren't stressing about it now.  We'll be living in his "bachelor" apartment for about a month and a half before we move farther north (another 20 minutes) and the 45mins-1 hr drive to church won't be an option at that point.

Sorry for being unclear!! 

SereJane

FI and I decided to find a new church together so that it's ours instead of just one of ours

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_deciding-church?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:96211754-fa20-4a8b-9399-93df61926434Post:5c4b6b00-be97-4cf8-86fc-c48a09c15c24">Re: deciding on a church</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, meant to clarify -- we are going to be living in a different geographical area from where I live now, so staying where I've been a member since I was 9 won't really be an option.  It would be a 45 minute drive, and we want to plug into our 'new' community after the wedding.   So, we'll be going to church together THEN, and we aren't stressing about it now.  We'll be living in his "bachelor" apartment for about a month and a half before we move farther north (another 20 minutes) and the 45mins-1 hr drive to church won't be an option at that point. Sorry for being unclear!! 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

I knew there had to be a reason!  Makes sense - sounds like just about the time he'd be getting settled into your church you'd be leaving again. 

kellya01

:-)  Right on, drama geek, right on.  

off to bed, this girl has got to get sleep before giving the intro to music theory quiz tomorrow... :-) 

heyimbren

This is something that came up for us as well. J is actually Seventh Day, so for right now (since we're sort of long distance) occasionally he will join me on Sundays at my church, and I will join him on Saturdays at times.

This probably won't change until we're married and living together (far off in the future) because of the distance, but once we are together it will depend on where we are living. If it's in my hometown (where my church is) we'll attend my church which he agreed to do, and if it's anywhere else we'll look for a new church together. We may consider attending a Seventh Day church at some point as well.

We're both happy with that, but the important thing is that we discussed it together and worked out a compromise that we are both pleased with.

sellis128

Thanks ladies...I should've clarified more, I just wasn't wanting to spill a lot.  When we first got engaged, I went with him to his church for 2 months.  In that time period, I had so many ladies confront me wanting to gossip about another family in the church, and also email me all kinds of mess! I just didn't feel comfortable with all of that, and when I voiced my concern to FI, we decided to look elsewhere to go to church.  I always said I would be willing to leave my church, because I want us both to be happy.  We visited other churches, and he said after visiting them, he wanted to join my church.  Of course I was thrilled b/c I love my church, but I would've left if it was better for us as a couple. 

However, I did bring it up with my pastor Monday night, and he said not to worry about it right now.  To focus on the wedding and getting prepared for marriage, and that will fall into place.  So I guess I'm just worrying myself for nothing