Fighting about money

GJones27

So, do you girls ever fight with your FIs about money?  How do you resolve it? 

I am getting increasingly frustrated with my FI about how he reacts to anything I spend.  My FI is Brazilian, and things there are super cheap.  He thinks everything in America is overpriced, so whenever I have to spend money on something, he gets emotionally upset.  For example, two days ago, my parents who are paying for the wedding spent $500 on invites, and he overreacted, saying, "Invites are $1 each!  Not $5!"  Last night, my computer found a trojan horse, so I had to call McAfee to fix it, which cost $100 (though they refunded me, because nothing was found).  But he got upset about that amount, too.  I think it's reasonable for someone to disagree about money, but it has to be done in a non-emotional and non-judgemental way.  I keep telling my FI that it makes me upset when he gets angry and acts shocked when I have to spend money on something, and I keep explaining that he has unreasonable ideas of what things cost in America.  But he doesn't improve.

Meanwhile, I really don't understand where these emotions are coming from.  He is from a relatively wealthy Brazilian family (though during the military regime times in Brazil they struggled to save).  We'll be fine with finances in the short-term, as my parents will support me for the next three years in law school.  He has enough money and support to get through his grad school.

Any suggestions on how to resolve money issues?  I am willing to do my share to keep spending as low as possible, but I don't like his overreactions.  It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding telling him what I am spending, and even my parents are telling me to do that. 

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fighting-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:abdd1568-65e1-4ae8-9bd3-272d6787f9a7Post:c682a8f6-cd59-49f1-8992-7406d2dbfd12">Fighting about money</a>:
[QUOTE]So, do you girls ever fight with your FIs about money?  How do you resolve it?  I am getting increasingly frustrated with my FI about how he reacts to anything I spend.  My FI is Brazilian, and things there are super cheap.  He thinks everything in America is overpriced, so whenever I have to spend money on something, he gets emotionally upset.  For example, two days ago, my parents who are paying for the wedding spent $500 on invites, and he overreacted, saying, "Invites are $1 each!  Not $5!"  Last night, my computer found a trojan horse, so I had to call McAfee to fix it, which cost $100 (though they refunded me, because nothing was found).  But he got upset about that amount, too.  I think it's reasonable for someone to disagree about money, but it has to be done in a non-emotional and non-judgemental way.  <strong>I keep telling my FI that it makes me upset when he gets angry and acts shocked when I have to spend money on something, and I keep explaining that he has unreasonable ideas of what things cost in America.  But he doesn't improve.</strong> Meanwhile, I really don't understand where these emotions are coming from.  He is from a relatively wealthy Brazilian family (though during the military regime times in Brazil they struggled to save).  We'll be fine with finances in the short-term, as my parents will support me for the next three years in law school.  He has enough money and support to get through his grad school. Any suggestions on how to resolve money issues?  I am willing to do my share to keep spending as low as possible, but I don't like his overreactions. <strong> It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding telling him what I am spending, and even my parents are telling me to do that. </strong>
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

I would definitely not avoid telling him what you're spending - as much as its fueling fights you need to air it out in the open as much as possible before you get married or it will be worse when you do get married.You also don't want to feel guilty everytime you you want to buy a new blouse or something. I think at this point he needs to be reassured that you know things are overinflated in America and you're doing the best you can to keep cost down.

Have you done pre-marital counseling yet? A large part of that covers finances. I'm sorry you're going through this and I'll keep you in my prayers- finances can be tricky and especially if there is cultural differences.

jenn.daniel

I lurk on the Money Matter board on the nest frequently.  The gals over there always recommend that everyone have their own "fun money" to spend however they want.  For example, you can send $25 on a purse you don't need and he can get coffee at Starbucks a few times a week instead of making it at home.  The idea is that you don't have to justify how you spend your own fun money.

Overall, I think if will help to make a budget, and make sure you leave some wiggle room for unexpected expenses, like the computer issue.

iamjoesgurl

I am very fortunate because DH is laid back about everything!  I'm very conservative with money and I'm the one who worries more about it.  So I can probably relate better to his reactions because of the way I handle money.  (I grew up in a home where we did not have a lot and there was a lot that we went without.)  

We have a budget and I stick to it fairly closely but when I want to spend for something outside the budget and I ask him about it, he always says okay.

It used to bother me that he spent money on video games (they aren't cheap!), sports tickets and concerts.  But then I realized that he doesn't buy himself new clothes or other things that I spend money on.  I realized that we just have different spending styles and decided to be okay with it.  We are able to save a lot each paycheck and have enough money in savings to pay for things that come up that were not anticipated.

I think if I was in your position, I would have a conversation with DH (FI in your case) to find out why he is concerned about these expenses and how he thinks you (meaning both of you) should handle money.  I think it is important to have a budget and then talk about what should happen when you need to spend money that is not in the budget.  Then I think you both need to agree that you each will be conscious of the budget and "play by the rules" but he also needs to be okay with purchases that are either within the budget or are outside the budget but necessary.  I think that if you are both in agreement on how to handle the money, it should ease the situation.

iamjoesgurl

We each have $200/month that is our spending money and we aren't accountable to each other for it.  He saved some of his last year for a computer.  I'm saving some of mine right now for an iPod Touch.  I agree that having a set amount of money that you can spend with no questions asked does help make things better.

sessionswedding

FI and I have agreed to $20 per week per person that will be our "pocket money."  The term originates from my parents, who believe you should always have some cash in your pocket just in case.  So if an emergency comes up, you've always got a $20 for a ride or tank of gas or whatever.  Or if you really want to go to Subway for lunch today instead of eating lunch from home, you can take some out of your $20 to do that.  But in our case, if you want to buy something for yourself that's not in the budget, save up your pocket money over time and use that.

Since FI will still be in college when we first get married, and will only be working part time, we will be on a very tight budget.  We will have every penny planned out and will not be able to buy much of anything outside of that $20 per person per week.  We know that things will suck for a while, but it will all be worth it in the end. 

SereJane

I agree with pps about having some wiggle room money. It's been really helpful for FI and I, and forestalls a lot of arguments we might have had about money.

sister2groom

Could you maybe go over budgets with him and do some shopping (or online comparisions or whatever to help figure it out)?

I remember when I was a little kid I went grocery shopping with my mom a lot and ground beef on sale was always $0.99/lb (and gas was $0.99/gal). I was on the meal plan for a while in college so the first time I really started grocery shopping wasn't until 10 years later in the UK when I was studying abroad, talk about sticker shock!

At first I freaked out and never bought ground beef, but then I realized after a while of going to the grocery store and reading their circulars, I realized ground beef is never going to be $0.99 again, so if I ever wanted tacos or lasagna or hamburgers again, I was going to have to get over it.

Silly example, but the point is, if you actually go and price things out and realize gas and ground beef aren't going to be 99c ever again, it helps you adjust to reality.

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe

FI gets frustrated about money sometimes too.  I agree with PPs.  We're going to have to have a "play money" fund - as he gets frustrated when I buy something and wants to know where the money came from.  It's my money, and he buys truck and motor parts all the time.  He's gotten to the point where he doesn't so much get mad, just likes to know everything, and I don't always like telling him where I'm going at what time with whom and for how long.  I don't mind telling him, but it gets to the point that's it a bit controlling and we have to have a talk - but that's another subject.  :P

GJones27

Thanks for all your thoughts.  A budget is a good idea, but I imagine it's going to be difficult sticking with one due to time.  My FI is in business school, and I'll be going to law school.  My FI is good about recording expenses, but it's hard for me to maintain such discipline when I get insanely busy.  I know I'll be thinking, "Hmmm, sleep/relax or track expenses.... sleep.... zzzzzzzzzz..."

I can understand "fun" items where each person gets to spend their "set aside" on, but what if you have needs?  Like a computer malfunctioning?  I can imagine couples fighting not just about luxuries, but about needs. 

And for those of you doing financial premarital counselling, where are you doing it?  And wouldn't that cost money?  My church had premarital counselling, but not about finances.

musicalsunlight

In our relationship, I'm the one who is the more "conservative" spender, and FI will spend it without as much thought as I'd like. Although, in your situation it doesn't sound like you are irresponsible about money, it just is a different perspective because of how he is used to things in his culture. I agree with PPs that more discussion is needed on how to figure out a good balance of 'play' money, etc. My FI realized early on that it was smarter to let me handle the majority of finances, because he really isn't very good about it. We have combined finances and are very open with each other what the money gets spent on, and why. It is smart to make sure to continue telling him how you spend the money because hiding things will only make problems worse! Good luck!

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fighting-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:abdd1568-65e1-4ae8-9bd3-272d6787f9a7Post:ebd56956-bf81-4d5e-b2c3-fd49869b14f3">Re: Fighting about money</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your thoughts.  A budget is a good idea, but I imagine it's going to be difficult sticking with one due to time.  My FI is in business school, and I'll be going to law school.  My FI is good about recording expenses, but it's hard for me to maintain such discipline when I get insanely busy.  I know I'll be thinking, "Hmmm, sleep/relax or track expenses.... sleep.... zzzzzzzzzz..." I can understand "fun" items where each person gets to spend their "set aside" on, but what if you have needs?  Like a computer malfunctioning?  I can imagine couples fighting not just about luxuries, but about needs.  <strong>And for those of you doing financial premarital counselling, where are you doing it? </strong> And wouldn't that cost money?  My church had premarital counselling, but not about finances.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

Check out Crown Financial class series. It was $25 through my church and it teaches money management in marriage. We didn't do it but our parents did and we're planning on doing that when we live together! Good luck.

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fighting-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:abdd1568-65e1-4ae8-9bd3-272d6787f9a7Post:ebd56956-bf81-4d5e-b2c3-fd49869b14f3">Re: Fighting about money</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your thoughts.  A budget is a good idea, but I imagine it's going to be difficult sticking with one due to time.  My FI is in business school, and I'll be going to law school.  My FI is good about recording expenses, but it's hard for me to maintain such discipline when I get insanely busy.  I know I'll be thinking, "Hmmm, sleep/relax or track expenses.... sleep.... zzzzzzzzzz..." I can understand "fun" items where each person gets to spend their "set aside" on, but what if you have needs?  Like a computer malfunctioning?  I can imagine couples fighting not just about luxuries, but about needs.  And for those of you doing financial premarital counselling, where are you doing it?  And wouldn't that cost money?  My church had premarital counselling, but not about finances.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

Save your receipts for when you'll have time to record them.

Because sometimes expenses pop up, and you NEED to address them, it's good to have an emergency fund.  Unfortunately, unexpected things always seem to cost more than you'd think they would.  If your FI knows that you have the money to pay for it in an emergency fund, it may not bother him as much. 

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fighting-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:abdd1568-65e1-4ae8-9bd3-272d6787f9a7Post:ebd56956-bf81-4d5e-b2c3-fd49869b14f3">Re: Fighting about money</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your thoughts.  A budget is a good idea, but I imagine it's going to be difficult sticking with one due to time.  My FI is in business school, and I'll be going to law school.  My FI is good about recording expenses, but it's hard for me to maintain such discipline when I get insanely busy.  I know I'll be thinking, "Hmmm, sleep/relax or track expenses.... sleep.... zzzzzzzzzz..." I<strong> can understand "fun" items where each person gets to spend their "set aside" on, but what if you have needs?  Like a computer malfunctioning?  I can imagine couples fighting not just about luxuries, but about needs.</strong>  And for those of you doing financial premarital counselling, where are you doing it?  And wouldn't that cost money?  My church had premarital counselling, but not about finances.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Whenever stuff like this comes up for me, I talk to FI. I'm not a big fan of "asking" because a) we're both adults and b) our finances aren't combined...yet. But I know FI just likes being included in conversations about that kind of stuff, especially if we've fought/talked about it before. If I do something without talking to him about it, he feels like I'm hiding something. And sometimes he has better ideas than I do about where and how to buy things. With your FI, I feel like if you both sit down together and look at prices for things, he'll be less upset because he's seeing all the prices and he feels like he's being included in the conversation.</div><div>
</div>

kellya01

Something to consider about the money issue is "transparency."  It's not just a word that Obama throws around... you and your FH can have transparency with regards to your finances in one very simple step: use a budgeter program that updates automatically for all accounts entered.  I use www.mint.com, and we will be adding FI's accounts on after the honeymoon and eventually switching individual accounts to joint accounts.  It will plug ALL of your spending in, help you create a budget, and it will keep track of your spending for you (a LOT less work on your part, especially when you'll be busy in law school or otherwise).  It is something to consider.  You and your FI can use the site to create your budget, and it can help you based on transaction history.  You can create savings goals, and it automatically searches for ways you can save (admittedly, they have sponsors, so not all of the "recommendations" are something I take seriously, but they do prompt me to adjust my savings accounts for better interest rates).  

Sorry that got long.  In your scenario, I'm more like your FI (I like to know where very penny goes) and FI is more like you (doesn't really explain where and how much things are and how much is spent).  We know we'll have some things to work through as far as me trying to be less controlling but we also know that with me managing the financial stuff, we'll both be better off in some ways too.  

ravenray

I know that I am late on this one but I wanted to say Gjones a good way to track your money is to use something like Mint.com.  You upload your bank accounts and it tracks where all of your money goes.  You can set up a budget and goals.   It works pretty well.  I like it a lot.  The only down fall is if you use cash a lot, that won't get tracked, though you can add it in.  Hope this helps!