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Marriage Counseling

I know this sounds stupid and childish, but the part of marriage counseling I'm looking the least forward to is "the sex talk." I know I'm going to feel super uncomfortable the whole session, and honestly I'd like to not listen the whole time.
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Re: Marriage Counseling

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    edited December 2011
    I think that part makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  Most pastors have done this particular talk several times and have worked out how to get through it.  We have been forewarned that it may be uncomfortable, but the physical aspect of marriage is important too, and the assumption by our pastor is that we are virgins (which we are), so becoming more comfortable with the language of sex and physical intimacy can be a good thing.  

    If you want to have a moment to yourself to let your mind adjust and be more comfortable, try reading "Sheet Music."  I saw it on this board a week or two ago and ordered it, and my FI and I BOTH really have enjoyed reading the part that the author suggests reading (he says only read chapters 1 thru 4 and then chapter 8 and 9 until you are married, then you can read the rest).  Just a thought!  Amazon online you can look at samples from the book if you want to break the ice on it.  


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    iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
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    edited December 2011
    We didn't talk about sex during our sessions.  I can imagine that would be a difficult conversation to have - especially with a pastor.  I would say it's not stupid or childish at all to not look forward to it!
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    katanne9katanne9 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b10a1043-0f75-4a34-9c60-8e56f3572b78Post:270b75e4-7bf2-499c-82ab-f11de4cf99fc">Re: Marriage Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]We didn't talk about sex during our sessions.  I can imagine that would be a difficult conversation to have - especially with a pastor.  I would say it's not stupid or childish at all to not look forward to it!
    Posted by iamjoesgurl[/QUOTE]


    We didn't talk about sex either! It was an option, but we talked about other topics instead.
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    edited December 2011
    We're going to talk about it. He told us at our first meeting everything we would be going over. Sex was one of them. I guess I feel like it's a very privite thing and I'd rather learn about everything together with DH when we're married.
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    fpaemp2011fpaemp2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    We went through "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" and the workbook has an entire weeks worth of homework that takes you through the common myths about sex.  You're supposed to take the quiz separately and then discuss the answers with your FI.  That was SUPER awkward.  The only other time we had said the "s-word" around each other was the night we went on our first official date and set boundaries.  Even then it was a, "You're waiting until marriage for sex, right?"  However, the homework that week really did help to break a lot of the ice surrounding that topic.  Our counseling couple recommended the books "Celebration of Sex" and "Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds" (can't remember the author's name right now).  We're also reading the pre-marital chapters of Sheet Music.
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    seventh7altoseventh7alto member
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    edited December 2011
    We've talked about it in pre-marital counseling with out pastor. There is a bit of sex-related advice for spouses in 1 Cor. 7, so it made sense to go over that. We also talkind about it in the context of going over what my fiance and I think on certain marital topics (we were discussing what happens when we disagree about stuff).
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    azdancer8azdancer8 member
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    edited December 2011
    We talked about sex briefly, but it was as part of a broader session on intimacy. I don't think it's silly to be intimidated by it, especially for those who wait until after marriage. But remember that (whether or not in the presence of your premarital counselor) the more willing you are to talk about sex (and any inhibitions you might have) with your husband, the easier the whole process is. Hope that helps.
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    edited December 2011
       I don't blame you at all...my parents once had this brilliant idea to go through a VHS marriage series with FI and I...I was completely against it and not afraid to say so (I pointed out that it sounded to me like this one couple from our church who got their marriage counseling from the girl's parents...then my mom admitted that that was who they had gotten the VHS tapes from!), but FI was attempting to be respectful and open about it.  I finally gave in under pressure and agreed to watch the introduction.  The fifteen minute introduction listed all of the multiple categories covered in the video series-ONE of which involved sex-and then proceeded to spend a good five minutes or more out of the introduction simply talking about sex.  And not in a comfortable sort of way either...once the creepy looking old guy who led the series started talking about climaxing I actually got up and ran off to my room, ha.  My parents dropped the subject and returned the videos after that.
       Thankfully, the way our pastor and his wife do their marriage counseling is having each couple by a particular marriage workbook, with thirteen sections in it, and then choose the six sections that they want to cover in counseling.  So we get to skip the sex session entirely!  I was super thrilled, until FI and I were looking up the book to purchase online and he broke down laughing as he pointed out to me that the author of the book was the same man who had led the video series...mehhh.
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    edited December 2011
    Our pastor told us what we'll be talking about and he said we'd talk about "Family planning." According to a couple who got married last May and went through counceling with him, he just said it nice to wait a few years to start having children - so you'd have time with each other. He also said you should pray each time before you do anything - Asking for God's will to be done, and be sure to mention if you want a child yet or if you'd still like to wait.  He also mentioned to be sure not to commit adultry. 

    It wasn't anything scary or weird or uncomfortable at all. 
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    It would be awkward (that word looks weird today!!) for me too.  But I think as long as you can be open with each other, and work through it - you'll do just fine.  Remember you don't have to talk about it all the time, non stop, for the rest of your lives.  And it will only be awkward for the first few times you discuss it.  It will get better though, I'm sure of it.  :)



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    edited December 2011
    Don't worry about it too much. It's really not that awkward. However, FI and I talk about sex and our boundaries quite a bit because we have trouble keeping our boundaries in place.  The sex word isn't off limits in our relationship.
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    edited December 2011
    Talking about sez isn't off limits for us either, in fact I'm sure we're discussed everything that we will in couseling. I am just DREADING going to that session.
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    edited December 2011

    I can understand how it may be uncomfortable for you.  I kind of feel the opposite way...my FI and I, neither of us are virgins.  He has a child by an ex-gf.  We have just recently started going to church again, and we have discussed abstaining from sex till we get married.  To be honest, it's hard to do once you've already done it.  But, I think we are getting stonger the more time we go to church and spend reading the bible.  Please don't judge me.  I actually feel kind of guilty about it.  I wish I had waited.

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b10a1043-0f75-4a34-9c60-8e56f3572b78Post:6cda5ff6-c2f9-409e-9941-e8284522a945">Re: Marriage Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can understand how it may be uncomfortable for you.  I kind of feel the opposite way...my FI and I, neither of us are virgins.  He has a child by an ex-gf.  We have just recently started going to church again, and we have discussed abstaining from sex till we get married.  To be honest, it's hard to do once you've already done it.  But, I think we are getting stonger the more time we go to church and spend reading the bible.  Please don't judge me.  I actually feel kind of guilty about it.  I wish I had waited.
    Posted by jkh1182[/QUOTE]


    No judgement here.
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    edited December 2011

    I totally understand your situation. I grew up in a very conservative Christian family and my mom explained the "birds and the bees" to me but that is it! Nothing more, nothing less. And we never talked about it again. My parents got married around 19/20 so they figured this stuff out early in life and I guess they assumed that I did not need to know anything until I was ready to get married. Well . . . I'm now 29 and still not married (still a virgin too, praise God!). But since my parents never really talked about this issues with me other than the one-time discussion, I was a bit shocked when one of my Christian professors started talking about it in our discipleship class. He had no shame talking about very intimate things - and this was a co-ed class!!!! I couldn't believe that he could talk that calmly about these things, but I kept reminding myself that it was part of life and that we needed to talk about it as future ministers who might be dealing with others who are going through sexualy problems. Sooo . .  I'm so thankful for that class, even though it was totally awkward for me (and I might add there were only 4 women in the class and we were all single; only one had been previously married - and all the men were married).

    When I started dating my BF, he was very comfortable bringing up topics about our future together and I was like, whoa! slow down. I've never talked about this stuff witha guy before!!! But he was in a serious relationship a few years ago, so he was comfortable with it.

    So .  . . sorry this is long! But I would recommend talking with your FI about these things before even going into the counseling. You've probably already talked somewhat, but try doing it more. The more you openly talk, the easier and less awkward it becomes. And if things get awkward with the pastor, you can speak up and say so.

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    lrob425lrob425 member
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    edited December 2011
    It's definitely better to be forewarned going into that conversation. My FI and I are not virgins, weren't when we started dating and we have sex now, and we have been living together for a few months. We were honest with the preacher about living together. That, along with the fact that I'm 26 and he's 32, the preacher was not AT ALL hindered in talking about sex. He told us how blessed he was that he and his wife have a "vibrant sex life". Now, I'm not a very modest person, but I'm pretty sure my face was red haha.

    Sex is an important part of a marriage. It's something that God created for 2 people to enjoy the intimacy of each other. It's not just for procreation. It's something that only you and your husband will experience together. Kids and hobbies are shared with other people, but sex is just between the 2 of you.

    Our preacher was emphasizing that aspect of it, and while I think he might have gone overboard, I do think that it's important to discuss.
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