Groomzilla!!!! -Major vent

KatyDidlettes

In the beginning I have to admit, yes I went wedding planning crazy for 3 months he would have to bribe me to shut up about the photographer and where we wanted to have it. But now I feel like I am being left behind in the dust! Why?

(1) He picked the wedding location. Yes, it is on the island where I grew up, and yes I am sure it will be nice- but I am SOO not a beach girl. My friends were like, really? You are having it there? I mean, it will be pretty but it doesn't seem like you. But hey- I get on the island so it is all good......even if we do have to spend like 300 on portapotties for a 20 minute ceremony.


(2) He picked the bridesmaids dress color, yes! really, you thought a guy couldnt care? ME TOO! But we have to "have red because it matches the red on the lighthouse roof" Sure sweetheart, I say, if red makes you happy- that's fine.

(3) Pie- I wanted to have wedding pies. I love to bake and I knew doing the whole cake for the wedding would be too much but I could make and freeze the pies in advance and it would be fine. Nope- the pie plan went out the window the second that boy stepped into a bakery with wedding cakes in the window. Now we MUST have one. I would even be ok if we did 1/2 pies 1/2 cake- but nope has to be a big cake.

Now I love my fiance, and I am happy he cares- but I wanted a small wedding which has now mushroomed to 120 people many of whom I have never even met. I want to spend our money on things like a house or saving to have a baby but he is all about it being done right. Then there was the final straw!

(4) today he announces that we are having a tent at the reception? not that I dont think it would be smart but he and his parents, behind my back have been looking for one for weeks! What the heck?! The reception is going to be at my parents house so you think they might have let them know, or me know! They have serious communication issues. Planning the wedding without the bride is not cool guys! Not cool!

Boo. I thought planning a wedding was supposted to be fun, but we are still a year out and I feel like I am being pushed into a wedding I dont want! Help ladies I need your advice.

Kahalagurl

ahhhh! i feel for you. I can't imagine how i would be acting if i were in your shoes. You need to sit FI down and tell him how unhappy this is making you becuase you feel like your wishes and dreams are not being incorporated.  Weddings are so much $, that unless its something you want to spend money on for good reason, its going to feel like your wasting money.

its kinda funny that you are getting this from FI and kinda makes it tricky to approach cuase you can't just tell them off.  But I think having a serious heart to heart, esp since its a year out and you have some time to make changes to venue and whatnot.

Don't let this fester, it will only build up.

carrieoz_76

You're right, that is absolutely NOT cool.  Frankly, I see how you deal with challenges and difficulties in wedding planning as a demonstration of how you'll do it in the future.  And you need to begin as you mean to continue - as full partners.

I think it's time for a Come to Jesus talk with him because this needs to end.  Granted, it's nice that he's interested, but being unbending in decision-making and planning important elements completely without you is taking it too far.  The bottom line is that you and he are getting married, which means that you and he both need to agree on elements of the wedding, which will often involve some compromise.

KatyDidlettes

Thanks for listening. I tried to talk to him this morning about it- it did NOT go over well. He basically said I want you to feel involved, this is your wedding too but all my family is flying over from the east coast and there are certain "minimum standards" that have to be met.

Basically he feels like because they are flying over we owe them a huge expensive wedding. I told him fine- lets just have it over there! But he wont go for that either because people already know it was planned for here and are making vacation plans. He absolutely insists we have a welcome dinner for all of his side, plus the wedding PLUS a 4th of july get together the next day. And we aren’t going on a honeymoon because they are all going to be there. The whole thing is just getting crazy.

 

I feel like he has totally lost track of what the wedding is supposed to be about! I tried to tell him that people wouldn’t mind if they only had a desert reception that they are coming over to watch us get married and they understand that we are students! But he refuses- he says he would be way too embarrassed and that people would think we are cheap. uh!!!!!!

dizzinea

put your foot down on the pies. that idea is fun and different, and awesome! it reflects you, where is the you in this wedding? choose your battles and fight for them, you have a unique situation while most of us are pulling teeth for opinions your being over ruled, I'm so sorry

amandasw

I think, no matter the gender, either person of the engaged couple can't take over.  So I agree with you that him deciding things without your input is unfair.  DH and I planned a lot of things together and he was very involved.  We are also opposites in a lot of ways so we've learned a lot about how to make decisions so we're both happy.

I have a friend (getting married in just two weeks) who is the very laid back, the I'll-get-married-in-vegas kind of girl.  Well, the guy she's marrying is not. His family perhaps has some money and he wanted the big wedding.  Now it seems (after having been on here long enough) that people tend to side with the person who wants to have the smaller wedding - it's more prudent, the person who wants the big wedding wants it for the wrong reasons, the girl is always right (yes, I do know friends who say this)... and the list goes on. 

You say you think he's lost track of what the wedding is supposed to be about, but maybe you have two different ideas of what that is.  For him, the wedding may be about having every family member who can come there and having a huge very traditional celebration.  To you it may mean having a very intimate ceremony with only the closest people to you there and lots of untraditional things. 

My friend has ended up having the big ceremony.  She is a little scared to have all those people looking at her, but I think you get to a point where you realize you do things for the other person when you can so they know you love them.  Be creative and come to a solution you can both live with

Kahalagurl

You know to be fair, I can understand that FI wants to show OOT guests who are spending all this money to make a vacation out of it a good time. But three days of partying seems a little much to have to cover, esp on your budget. Are parents helping out al all with expenses?

amandasw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_groomzilla-major-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:6a83fd68-cbf4-430a-93a1-f2c41eb7993dPost:2e40eca0-de96-428c-89e6-d330a641d92e">Re: Groomzilla!!!! -Major vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like he has totally lost track of what the wedding is supposed to be about! I tried to tell him that people wouldn’t mind if they only had a desert reception that they are coming over to watch us get married and they understand that we are students! But he refuses- he says he would be way too embarrassed and that people would think we are cheap. uh!!!!!!
Posted by KatyDidlettes[/QUOTE]

Also, I'll add that I think (or at least hope) we all know that it definitely is supposed to be about the two of you, that's it.  Everything else is extra.  But since there will be "extra", it should be "extra" that you both want and enjoy.  He should care more about how you feel than how his family will feel.  And you, knowing that he does, should let him know that it's important to you that he isn't embarrassed (even if you disagree with the reason), I'm sure you don't want that either.   I hope you can plan a wedding you both will enjoy :)

ahuette

I'm so sorry.  I agree with pp that you should pick and choose your battles but defiantly say that you MUST be involved in every decision.  I would feel the exact way that you do if my wedding was turning into something I had no say in.

A friend of mine is getting married later this year and she has had no say in any of it because its on the east coast and its her parents that are paying/controlling everything...to the point where she liked a dress but was unsure about it and wanted to keep looking but her mom went to the factory where it is made and bought the dress straight up for her.  A nice gesture, but she is now locked into a dress that she is unsure about.  She is having the hardest time telling her mom no and is now dreading her wedding day. 

Don't let it get to this point where you are dreading your wedding day.  You still have plenty of time to change things and make it a special day, with decisions made by the two of you.

Best of Luck!!

jennuinne

I agree w/ all pp.  Niether person should be making decisions on their own or having a wedding that is totally them and not the other person.  But, on the flilp side, you will also have to compromise.  I don't think its unreasonable for FI to want a dinner (not just desert) reception when OOT guests are coming.  And a welcome dinner is a nice gesture, but that plus wedding plus 4th of July might be a bit much.  But its completely ridiculous for FI to get make all those decisions, plus venue, colors, etc. and you don't get to have anything the way you'd prefer.  I think giving up a HM for a more expensive wedding is also a crazy compromose that I wouldn't be willing to make, but I know other people who would make that choice.

You guys really need to sit down (alone) and talk about what things are most important to each of you and which things you might be willing to compromise on and then make a promise that no one will make any plans w/o including the other. 

KatyDidlettes

Thanks everyone! I feel better just being able to talk about it. I was going a little overboard because I was upset by the whole tent thing, but I know that my FI does really want me to be involved. I am just not used to these east coast standards! I have never felt like I needed to do something just because that was how everyone else did it. I mean, I want a nice wedding too. Even though I would much rather save the money for something more tangible, as long as we dont go into debt for it I guess I should just let him do his thing...

irshis20

I don't have anything to add to the pp replies, but I wanted to tell you that if that is your gown in your siggy, it is GORGEOUS!

KatyDidlettes

Oh thanks I designed it myself and had it made when I was living in Argentina

KST_

I'm a little late to the  convo as I'm just getting caught up on TK but...

Katy dear, PP are right, but I'm going to put my foot down RIGHT NOW!! Yes, I know you are venting so we are only seeing your side of the story, and that side while you are upset, which can very much color it. (I'm queen of doing that.) However, what I'm reading is really worrying me. He's barging ahead making decisions without you, rialroading over some things you want just because 'that's what's done' (ie cake versus pie). And the result of your attempt to talk to him seemed like more driving over you and discounting your feelings. So...are you two doing pre-marriage counseling? If not, I think you seriously need to look into it. Speaking from that high-and-mighty OMH pedastal (only 2 weeks old) *joking*, I do have some hindsight. And I think how you handle these bumps and issues and conflicts on the planning road will start setting the tone and habits for how you both might continue after the wedding. it doesn't sound like he actually HEARD what you were trying to tell him regarding your feelings, and maybe having that discussion again with a professional in attendance can get you two communicating with each other again.