FI wants... and I want...

kellya01

Okay, I might need your help trying to find a good compromise on a few things with my FI!  Thanks in advance...  :-) 

Music: 

- FI wants the traditional "Here comes the Bride" (Wagner) and what we commonly call "There goes the bride" (the Mendelssohn wedding march).

- I want something like Trumpet Voluntary and then perhaps Trumpet Tune.

Ceremony:

- FI wants short, sweet, to the point ceremony with no musical solo, etc.  FI wants vows to be traditional.

- I want vows to be traditional (whew, glad we agree!), but I want a musical solo during the unity part (When I Say I Do) and another vocal solo for the "congregational prayer" - The Lord's Prayer. 

Unity:

-Fi loves the idea of the sand instead of the unity candle (his words were "old fashioned") and he loved the "new" idea of the sand and that we could keep it for a long time.  

-I am more traditional and I like the unity candle... and he liked it "okay" once I told him we could keep the candle, we didn't have to use the church's candle, etc.  Plus, I can't figure out what the significance of the sand is, beyond that the bride and groom are doing their first craft project together??? 

Okay, so ideas?  How can I unite what we both want?  Does FI just need to give up on his vision of the "short sweet and to the point" ceremony?  Do you think it is reasonable to ask him to compromise on the music in the middle of the ceremony to have The Lord's Prayer as well as When I Say I Do?  How about the Processional and Recessional?  I should probably mention that the last wedding that FI attended was non-religious, and before that, he hadn't been to a wedding in probably 10 years.  So part of me feels like with ALL of my family members having weddings within the past 5 years, and friends weddings I've attended, maybe I have more background on ceremonies?  That sounds like my ego talking... 

We're pretty traditional, and we are 90% sure we are going to have a brass quintet play for the wedding, and a pianist accompany the vocal solo.  We may still have organ, but if we do organ, we'd probably just do organ plus trumpet, but not the full brass quintet.  

I'm a little lost in this part of the planning... any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!! 

Ready2BMrsWade

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fi-wants-want?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:ca627813-b911-4deb-a295-dbcbb8515957Post:e6b8b70d-166f-42fc-8ebe-4a7b14c3038d">FI wants... and I want...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I might need your help trying to find a good compromise on a few things with my FI!  Thanks in advance...  :-)  Music:  - FI wants the traditional "Here comes the Bride" (Wagner) and what we commonly call "There goes the bride" (the Mendelssohn wedding march). - I want something like Trumpet Voluntary and then perhaps Trumpet Tune. Ceremony: - FI wants short, sweet, to the point ceremony with no musical solo, etc.  FI wants vows to be traditional. - I want vows to be traditional (whew, glad we agree!), but I want a musical solo during the unity part (When I Say I Do) and another vocal solo for the "congregational prayer" - The Lord's Prayer.'<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>  Unity: -Fi loves the idea of the sand instead of the unity candle (his words were "old fashioned") and he loved the "new" idea of the sand and that we could keep it for a long time.   -I am more traditional and I like the unity candle... and he liked it "okay" once I told him we could keep the candle, we didn't have to use the church's candle, etc.  Plus, I can't figure out what the significance of the sand is, beyond that the bride and groom are doing their first craft project together???  Okay, so ideas?  How can I unite what we both want?  <strong>Does FI just need to give up on his vision of the "short sweet and to the point" ceremony?</strong>  Do you think it is reasonable to ask him to compromise on the music in the middle of the ceremony to have The Lord's Prayer as well as When I Say I Do?  How about the Processional and Recessional?  I should probably mention that the last wedding that FI attended was non-religious, and before that, he hadn't been to a wedding in probably 10 years.  So part of me feels like with ALL of my family members having weddings within the past 5 years, and friends weddings I've attended, maybe I have more background on ceremonies?  That sounds like my ego talking...  We're pretty traditional, and we are 90% sure we are going to have a brass quintet play for the wedding, and a pianist accompany the vocal solo.  We may still have organ, but if we do organ, we'd probably just do organ plus trumpet, but not the full brass quintet.   I'm a little lost in this part of the planning... any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!! 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>
So I would say if you want to compromise then you EITHER get the processional/recessional you want and no music in the middle (like your FI wants) or his pro/rec and you get your music in the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>As to the unity thing, I don't get the candle any more than I get the sand but there are several ideas (addressed on the board actually) considering other options including God's Knot or Cord of Three Strands and the Unity Cross. You might want to look at them.</div><div>
</div><div>I bolded part and I think that is an issue. He doesn't need to give up his vision anymore than you do. You both have to compromise about things that are most important to you</div>

babii_lynette

the sand: you mix two different colors together.. you can never seperate the two different colors ever again... and its symbolic of the bible verse: "what God has joined together, let no man take seperate" (Mark 10:9)... the candles you can blow them out... the sand is more symbolic of the joining of two people in marriage.

squeakyduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fi-wants-want?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:ca627813-b911-4deb-a295-dbcbb8515957Post:e6b8b70d-166f-42fc-8ebe-4a7b14c3038d">FI wants... and I want...</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I might need your help trying to find a good compromise on a few things with my FI!  Thanks in advance...  :-)  Music:  - FI wants the traditional "Here comes the Bride" (Wagner) and what we commonly call "There goes the bride" (the Mendelssohn wedding march). - I want something like Trumpet Voluntary and then perhaps Trumpet Tune. Ceremony: - FI wants short, sweet, to the point ceremony with no musical solo, etc.  FI wants vows to be traditional. - I want vows to be traditional (whew, glad we agree!), but I want a musical solo during the unity part (When I Say I Do) and another vocal solo for the "congregational prayer" - The Lord's Prayer. <strong> Unity: -Fi loves the idea of the sand instead of the unity candle (his words were "old fashioned") and he loved the "new" idea of the sand and that we could keep it for a long time.   -I am more traditional and I like the unity candle... and he liked it "okay" once I told him we could keep the candle, we didn't have to use the church's candle, etc.  Plus, I can't figure out what the significance of the sand is, beyond that the bride and groom are doing their first craft project together??? </strong> Okay, so ideas?  How can I unite what we both want?  Does FI just need to give up on his vision of the "short sweet and to the point" ceremony?  Do you think it is reasonable to ask him to compromise on the music in the middle of the ceremony to have The Lord's Prayer as well as When I Say I Do?  How about the Processional and Recessional?  I should probably mention that the last wedding that FI attended was non-religious, and before that, he hadn't been to a wedding in probably 10 years.  So part of me feels like with ALL of my family members having weddings within the past 5 years, and friends weddings I've attended, maybe I have more background on ceremonies?  That sounds like my ego talking...  We're pretty traditional, and we are 90% sure we are going to have a brass quintet play for the wedding, and a pianist accompany the vocal solo.  We may still have organ, but if we do organ, we'd probably just do organ plus trumpet, but not the full brass quintet.   I'm a little lost in this part of the planning... any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!! 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>My pastor will not preform the unity candle ceremony. He says that when you light the unity candle, you then snuff out the other candles that are meant to represent you and your fiance before the wedding. He said that he did not like the symbolism of snuffing out your former self, because that's not what a wedding is about. </div><div>
</div><div>I haven't talked to him about other ceremonies, because I don't really think any of them are necessary. But I would think that since the sand blends together, it's closer to the symbolism you would want for a wedding. Same with the cross and the cord of three strands (my favorite one of the choices for these!) </div><div>
</div><div>You can use two different colors of sand and you put them in a pretty container with an engraving or something. </div><div>
</div><div>I also read on another board about a unity cocktail. I thought that was a funny tongue and cheek alternative!</div>

kellya01

Thanks for the ideas and suggestions, ladies!  We're trying to find something that works, but I guess I always had a vision of the wedding ceremony in my head (I play flute for a lot of events including weddings,and my mom is a pianist and organist)... 

We'll figure it out, I guess.  I didn't know much about the sand, so thanks for taking the time to write about that as well.  I really appreciate it!! 

What's so funny is that everything besides the ceremony has been pretty easy for us.  This part is the hard part for us!! 

kellya01

Talking out my ideas on this board, while short, was VERY helpful... we have a little more direction as far as what we are going to have in our ceremony.  Plus, we still have our counseling coming up, so I'm sure the pastor will give us some guidance if we have neglected anything.  

Thanks again for all your help!  My brain is a little bit messy lately, and that is transferring to my real life too... Ahhhh!  Got to get it together. 

AshNoel8

Compromise is always possible- just decide which things are most important to you and which are most important to him. No matter whose ideas you use, it will be beautiful. GL!

kellya01

Thanks, Ash!! :-) 

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fi-wants-want?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:ca627813-b911-4deb-a295-dbcbb8515957Post:cfa25930-5a70-40cf-92f9-5b6d9484f5a5">Re: FI wants... and I want...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to FI wants... and I want... : My pastor will not preform the unity candle ceremony. <strong>He says that when you light the unity candle, you then snuff out the other candles that are meant to represent you and your fiance before the wedding. He said that he did not like the symbolism of snuffing out your former self, because that's not what a wedding is about.</strong>  I haven't talked to him about other ceremonies, because I don't really think any of them are necessary. But I would think that since the sand blends together, it's closer to the symbolism you would want for a wedding. Same with the cross and the cord of three strands (my favorite one of the choices for these!)  You can use two different colors of sand and you put them in a pretty container with an engraving or something.  I also read on another board about a unity cocktail. I thought that was a funny tongue and cheek alternative!
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

We did not blow out our own candles for that very reason and actually had something in the ceremony about that, that the unity candle burns to show we are united, but that our individual candles continue to burn because we are individuals learning to live together, compromising, blah blah blah.  I can't remember the exact wording, but it was pretty great.  H's family hates that I don't see myself as inferior to him, so it was kind of a dig, but whatev!

LeahVB2011

Actually Fi and I had the same dispute on the unity sand/ candle and I came up with our compromise this weekend. I was at Hobby Lobby and I found gralunted wax which looks like sand but melts like a candle. So we have 3 colors, 1 for each of us and 1 for God and we are making a candle. It gives Fi the effect of unity sand but also becomes a candle. For me it's representative of how over time we will melt and form more to our husbands and God. This is what everything looks like <---Click there

Aso for the rest of it, the ladies have said everything and more that I would have said.  I know it will be a beautiful wedding

kellya01

Thanks, ladies (again)!!!!!!! :-)  

We're still working on it.  He kept saying "now I don't want to have to talk about this 4 months from now, so let's decide."  HAHA, he's kind of like me, we want to decide and move on to the next thing.  We hope to have more details nailed down this weekend, but definitely not all of the details.  Still have to meet with the brass quintet! 

kalizoomba

for the music - I had a similar issue. My FI really didn't care either way about anything - but my mother really wanted "here comes the bride" I really really didn't want anything traditional at all - I wanted something in panflute - so we found a man who could play "here comes the bride" in panflute. So I'm happy, and my mom is happy. 

Maybe, since you wanted 2 songs during the ceremony, just have 1, and since you both wanted different processional and recessional songs, you pick on and let him pick on? 

sister2groom

As far as the music goes, it seems like you each like two songs for each thing, so why not each pick one? Like you pick what you walk down the aisle to, and FI gets to pick the music for going up, and instead of two songs in the ceremony, you just get one.

Patrick&Morgan

Solution:  light the sand on fire.....ok not really haha!

After reading this I would just start using hand to hand combat (prayer) lol, which I am sure you are doing already.  This is your ceremony and although you will have guests and family there, this is you and your FI making a pact with the Father...I believe He has some ideas of how he wants it done as well and between you, your FI and help from your Pastors, everyone will have a peace about the music and the ceremony etc...   I will be praying for clarity.  Blessings!

biancajohan

I would say for both of you to take a cup of tea in your hand to a few CDs and listen to them, come up with other songs that you both agree on. Then you won't have the "win-lose" problem, or I am right, you're wrong.

I also believe that if your pastor doesn't agree on that, there is no point thinking about unity candle. Sand ceremony is on option but maybe you can come up with other ideas yourself. 

Also I would say: give time to each other!! Sometimes all it takes is getting used to a new idea. Or finding a totally brand new one. Good luck!