What to do after graduation

joe&cassie

Okay ladies, I'm struggling with something that I thought you might be able to help me with.  I graduate next spring but we aren't getting married for a year after that. I am hoping to get a job where my FI is still going to college.  FI wants me to move in with him/move to a different apartment or house.  It would definitely save us money if we weren't having to pay two different rents however, my parents are totally opposed to the idea of living together before marriage and I am not sure how I feel.  I was wondering if you ladies could give me your opinions.  Mostly the reason I am asking this now is that if we want to stay on campus where he is we have to to pretty much start working with the housing people in august to see if it is even possible.

GJones27

I would not live together before marriage, in my humble opinion. If you are torn, that is your gut and conscience speaking and if you ignore it those feelings won't go away. If money is an issue I would try to find a roommate. It is a good feeling to get your marriage off on the right foot. : my two cents.

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_what-to-do-after-graduation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:cb0311b2-21b9-4564-b533-bede5864f11dPost:68b07134-6952-41ac-b88c-183b6d082750">Re:What to do after graduation</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not live together before marriage, in my humble opinion. If you are torn, that is your gut and conscience speaking and if you ignore it those feelings won't go away. If money is an issue I would try to find a roommate. It is a good feeling to get your marriage off on the right foot. : my two cents.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Exactly this.  There are differing opinions on this board, but I am adamantly opposed to living together before marriage.  Living with roommates can be stretching, but they can also offer accountability if you end up living with other Christians.</div><div>
</div><div>Is living with family an option?

</div>

RebeccaJac

I, too, am very much against it. There's something about playing the game of marriage before you're actually married that can be really dangerous for your relationship. There's no way FI and I could live together before we were married and maintain "guarding our hearts" and don't even get me started on the sex thing. We'd be all over each other in no time! 

There are lots of options you can look into. Check out families at his church, girlfriends of his, or others that may have extra rooms. Or move up the wedding? Lots of ways to make it work!

naomikb

I think this is 100% an individual (well, between you as a couple) decision. You both have to be on board with whatever decision you make.  Don't make it purely for financial reasons.  It all depends on what your intentions are, boundaries are, plans are, etc.

Don't do what your PARENTS want.  Do what YOU and your FI want and do what is right for you two.

FWIW my H and I lived together before marriage.

sessionswedding

DH and I lived together for 3 months before the wedding.  My parents were all for it, his mother actually cried about it.  In the end, we did what worked for us and got established in our apartment in time to have a set-up place to come back to after the HM.  But it was only for 3 months, and it's pretty difficult to find a roommate for only 3 months.  But for a year, you should at least look into the other options.  In the end, it's what works best for you and your FI.

RyansBelovedBride

I would not do it. There is too much both biblically and even statistically negative about cohabitation. I think you should get your own place.  If we couldn't afford to live apart, I think Ryan and I would go and get married at a court house and have our wedding the next year be a vow renewal. Have you guys considered that?

joe&cassie

Well the physical boundaries and intimacy isn't a factor in our decision. We have been intimate for awhile. I had an ex who is a rotten human being and did bad stuff in our relationship. I was terrified of sex and any time a relationship would get slightly serious I would run. I needed to work through my issue with sex before I could ever be in a serious relationship. My FI new about everything that happened and helped me work through my issues.

naomikb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_what-to-do-after-graduation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:cb0311b2-21b9-4564-b533-bede5864f11dPost:fa339988-8413-4a88-b853-5e5ea7264afb">Re:What to do after graduation</a>:
[QUOTE]Well the physical boundaries and intimacy isn't a factor in our decision. We have been intimate for awhile. I had an ex who is a rotten human being and did bad stuff in our relationship. I was terrified of sex and any time a relationship would get slightly serious I would run. I needed to work through my issue with sex before I could ever be in a serious relationship. My FI new about everything that happened and helped me work through my issues.
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]
Fair enough.  So if the physical boundaries/sex isn't the issue then what do you feel like is making you not want to live together?

DramaGeek

It seems like your values and your parents' values are not the same, and you're afraid of disappointing or angering them.  Does that seem accurate?  This is one of those times that you have to weigh it out and decide which is more important to you - honoring their wishes but losing some money and possibly making it more difficult to find housing, or honoring your own wishes, saving money, but possibly straining your relationship with your parents.  Only you can decide that.

Just don't do what my SIL did.  When she and her then-boyfriend moved in together, she asked me to tell her parents for her!

GJones27

I would clarify someone's earlier comment that statistically people who cohabit are more likely to suffer negative results (e.g. divorce).  That does not apply to people who are already engaged and decide to cohabit after becoming engaged.  The danger is that peopple who cohabit are more likely to slip into marriage when they otherwise would not have.  But that's not the case with you.

I'm not sure what you are concerned about with cohabitation.  If you two are sleeping together, I think the one thing you'll have to be prepared to encounter is people's perception of your relationship.  I think that once you start living together, people assume that you're sleeping with each other.  I don't know if your priest or pastor will learn about that, but it could have repercussions in church.  Or if you have conservative relatives, it could disappoint them.  But generally, most people don't care about people cohabiting.  

If you're struggling with this, I would pray about it.  I also like decision charts.  Basically, write out all the pros and cons if you were to live together.  Then write out all the pros and cons of not living together.  That may help provide perspective. It has really worked for me. Good luck!

Annas2013

If you're already intimate, then I really don't see the issue.  Are you afraid of ruining the new "honeymoon" part of the marriage where you're living with each other 24/7 for the first time in your lives?  If so I understand that.  I would consider a roommate though, if you have to find a way to save money.  I would love to live with my FI currently, but seeing as how I'm able to live at home rent free for the summer (I'm still in school for one more year too) paying rent isn't exactly the best option.  Plus he has a roommate so that's an automatic no.  It may actually be cheaper to have a roommate if you really compare costs of apartments with 2 bedrooms versus one bedroom.  

You have to do what makes you happy in this instance.  And I like what above pp said about the pro and con lists.  They help.  And pray about it.  That always helps too.  Good luck!

joe&cassie

I think it mostly has to do with my parents. They think I'm making a bunch of wrong decisions right now about my life in general and not just the stuff concerning my FI. Everything is about money for them. I'm not sure though that money is the sole thing to focus on because it's great to have lots of money but if you are unhappy it does you no good. They want me to move back home to save money. They don't want me to pursue my dream job because I will potentially get paid less. They want us to wait to get married til both FI and I have been in a degree job for a year because then we can provide for each other. It is very hard for me to figure out of they are giving me sound advice or just don't want to see me married young especially because his family says the complete opposite of my family. So I guess the main thing is that my parents are making me doubt every decision I make.

azdancer8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_what-to-do-after-graduation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:cb0311b2-21b9-4564-b533-bede5864f11dPost:7f76231c-4669-4bfe-acb9-2c7af15b2eeb">Re:What to do after graduation</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it mostly has to do with my parents. They think I'm making a bunch of wrong decisions right now about my life in general and not just the stuff concerning my FI. Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

How much of that is their fear talking, and how much of it is real, accurate concerns? If they are questioning all your decisions, they may just be trying to over-control your life. If there are a few specific concerns, talk to them and find out why they think those decisions are wrong. Then address those if needed.

[QUOTE]Everything is about money for them. I'm not sure though that money is the sole thing to focus on because it's great to have lots of money but if you are unhappy it does you no good. They want me to move back home to save money. They don't want me to pursue my dream job because I will potentially get paid less. They want us to wait to get married til both FI and I have been in a degree job for a year because then we can provide for each other. Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

Everything is always going to feel like it's about money, whether you make 20,000 a year or 120,000 a year. ;) I quit my "degree job" after 3 years because I realized it wasn't a good fit, even though I made much more money. In fact, I make less currently than I ever have (in 16 years of working), but I'm much happier doing something I love.

That being said, money is also one of the top reasons people end up fighting/divorcing. You do need to make sure you are bringing in enough money to meet your needs, and really communicate your spending/saving habits with your FI before marriage. DH and I make VERY little money, but we have the same frugal monetary habits, so it works. Yes, it's stressful, but it strengthens our relationship when we don't have money to throw at every problem.

Do your two families have different monetary expectations? That was one area that my parents did (and still do) worry about. I grew up upper middle class, while DH's family made less money. However, DH's family is debt-free, and mine is not. My parents don't always realize that it's ok to not always have tons of spending money, and that I'm the most financially responsible of all my siblings, whether "rich" or not. Frankly, I'd rather live our debt-free lifestyle and wait for the good things than buy it now and have tons of debt on credit cards, but that's the choice DH and I have made.

[QUOTE] It is very hard for me to figure out of they are giving me sound advice or just don't want to see me married young especially because his family says the complete opposite of my family. So I guess the main thing is that my parents are making me doubt every decision I make.
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

I think ultimately the two of you need to make the decisions that are going to be best for YOU. Your relationship is not the same as either set of parents, and your decisions won't necessarily be either.

Talk to your FI about it, pray together about it, and come to your own conclusions. If you are getting conflicting advice from parents, then don't ask their opinions unless you are prepared to have self doubt creep in. (FWIW, my mother has a lot of fears and insecurities, and if I let her opinion guide every decision I make, I'd second guess myself on EVERYTHING.)

Best wishes on everything, and God knows where you belong, so don't worry!

GJones27

I agree with Azndancer.  In this economy, there will never be economic stability anytime soon for 99% of our generation. My husband just graduated from Harvard Business School, and he hasn't received one job offer in the U.S.  I agree that money can make a big difference in the success of a marriage, but waiting one year to get married or living together one year won't make it or break it.  Financial stability is more of a long-term thing.  

ochemjenn

I doubt university housing will allow you, as a non-student, to live on campus with him before you're married. 

DH and I lived together for almost two year before we got married.  I moved into his place a couple of months after we got engaged.  So, I'm obviously not opposed to living together before married, IF you're in a committed relationship, which you are.

I think you need to sit down and figure out exactly where you are financially.  Are your parents worried that your FI will be mooching off you while he's finishing school?  ( a legit concern)  Will you be able to afford a place with your FI and still save money?  Would living with your parents drive you absolutely insane?  However, because of the economy, I think your decision should largely be based on where you find a job.  That's assuming your parents are in a different town that the college. 

GunzNRoses213

Well I'm not a huge fan of living together for more then a few months... I myself am trying to convince my FI to move in with us for a few months and sleep in a diff room until the wedding to save money and so that he can be close to his job etc to save money obviously ... But he dosnt want to do even that much. [ this is hypothetical because we didnt get a house or new jobs yet but we've talked about it ]

I dont like the "playing house " option like that ... For some people it might be ok for them ... But it is kinda taking the fun part of being newly weds I would think ... But again it's up to you ...

I'd finda roomate if u dont want to live with overpowering parents... I know ALL about that because my dad is hounding us right now about where we are gonna live /what type of house and it's just NOT his buisness anymore...

You are an adult... Make your own choice ...I get that it's hard to decide what's your voice saying no of if it's just fear of your parents freaking out ...

Ash61612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_what-to-do-after-graduation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:cb0311b2-21b9-4564-b533-bede5864f11dPost:2ad4e30f-ae8d-41c3-8bc3-e243203268dd">Re: What to do after graduation</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think this is 100% an individual (well, between you as a couple) decision. You both have to be on board with whatever decision you make.  Don't make it purely for financial reasons.  It all depends on what your intentions are, boundaries are, plans are, etc. </strong>Don't do what your PARENTS want.  Do what YOU and your FI want and do what is right for you two. FWIW my H and I lived together before marriage.
Posted by naomikb[/QUOTE]
agree. FI and I both live on our own and our wedding night will be the first night we spend together in the house he lives in. Yes it would be a lot cheaper to live together but its something we agreed on and believed in so that's why we didn't move in together. You and FI are going to have to do what is best for you two, not what everyone did on this board.

mrandmrsbrist

It seems like everyone has already given you solid advice, so I'll just offer my experience. H and I didn't live together before we got married and we are happy with our choice. I moved out of the dorms at my university and into an apartment in the same complex as him. We were close to each other (just down the hall) and so he was able to help me move and get set up before he left for an internship in our hometown. Living on my own was scary but it was good for us and for our relationship. Best of luck to you and whatever you decide to do!

RebeccaJac

Is there other underlying issues your parents are concerned about? Money is a big deal. It's not everything, but it's a big deal. My parents weren't 100% on board and after a while they came around. I would suggest sitting down with them and discussing their concerns. 

jenningz

My fiance lives in my house.... BUT he pays my parents rent and lives in our spare room, I would never live alone though before marriage. We have a house and my fiance will live in it for a month before we're married. However, if intimacy isn't the issue, I suggest you work out what is