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I'm feeling so torn...

DH and I really want kids (we'd like to have about four), and we also really want to build our own house. DH came home last night with some projected numbers for house building costs. I spent time researching pregnancy costs online and calling around today.

I think we have almost enough currently saved that we could make it through a pregnancy, but it would wipe out our savings. If we saved at our current rate, it would take us at least four years to build a house (debt free, which is very important to us), assuming nothing else took up any of our savings.

So I'm left feeling like we can't do both, at least not as quickly as we would like. It seems like DH kind of wants to have a house built before we have kids, but I'm already 29, and don't think waiting too long to get pregnant is a good idea. I'm probably being a spoiled brat, used to getting everything I want when I want it, but this whole thing is draining me emotionally.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get my thoughts out and ask for some moral support and prayers toward a decision. Do we go ahead and try to conceive, knowing that it will delay our house building? Or do we save for all we're worth toward a house and then try for kids once we're more established (but older)?

CN: We probably can't afford to have kids AND build a house as soon as we'd like. We need prayers that God will show us which direction to head and what to save our money for.

Re: I'm feeling so torn...

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    edited December 2011
    I don't think you're being selfish - I know it's tough when it doesn't work out like you want.  Prayers are coming your way that God shows you what's in His plan for you and that you and your DH have acceptance and peace on what He wants!!
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    edited December 2011
    I would probably agree with your FI on this particular issue ... I think it's easier to provide a home for the baby if you're not having to scrape every extra penny away to pay for the home, and building debt free is an amazing thing to be able to do.  My SIL just turned 30 this past May and not that every couple is the same, but they are waiting for her student loans from Law school to be paid off before having kids (they already have a house).  

    Whatever direction God wants you to go, I will pray that He reveals it to you and that you'll have peace about that decision!! :-)
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    edited December 2011
    i will be praying for you to hear from God for a clear decision. it is hard when trying to figure out when to have kids and build a home. BUT its okay to have children now and get a house later. i know its a sensitive subject... but when we get older (not that you are old at all!) it is harder. My sister was married at 29 and waited to have kids for about 5 years (so she was 34)... and it was harder for her. They were in a similar situation because they were remodeling their house. They are glad that they did it the way they did (waiting.... she even tells me to wait 5 yrs... but i doubt i will. hehe) but it has to be right for you. (:
    keep praying and God will give you the answer. Just know that either decision - you will be happy. 
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    edited December 2011
    I pray God leads you in the direction that is perfect for you and your DH. God will provide a way for something, it just feels confusing right now. I have been in confusing situations (though not this one in particular) and in time the answer always presents itself. I will pray for you!
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    edited December 2011
    I can understand where you are coming from, I am going to be 30 myself in "Gassp" 16 days!  We are buying a house but we will have a mortgage.  

    It's awsome that you will be able to do it debt free!  It is a hard decission.  I assume you have looked into what your insurance will cover for your pregancy.  An idea that might help you have kids sooner than you want is to open a health savings account.  Contributions to it are tax free, and if you use it for qualified health expenses (and yes pregnancy is a qualified health expense)  you never pay taxes on that income. 

    If you don't mind me asking do you currently live in your own house?  or do you rent or stay with family? 

    I will pray that God shows you the correct path and that your decission that is maid is in God's plan.
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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    DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Do you not have insurance?  Before you do anything, I'd invest in that.  You never know when something could happen and without insurance, any injury or illness of significance will wipe you out.

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    FaithCaitlinFaithCaitlin member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think there's any good time to have kids- it's always going to be financially tough. Honestly, if you have no fertility issues, I'd build a house before I got pregnant. Regardless, I will be praying! What a tough decision. :/ don't worry, though! There is a plan and He has your best interests at heart. Keep us updated!

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    iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    From a purely financial perspective, you should not allow your savings to go below the point of being able to use it as an emergency fund.  You should have at least 3 months salary put aside.  

    If you are definitely settled on paying for the house without a mortgage, how long would it take you to have an emergency fund plus enough for a child?  If you think it would take four years to save enough for a house, does that mean you wouldn't TTC until you are 33?  I think that if you want 4 children, it seems like you would want to start TTC soon.

    Anyway, I hope that by continuing to think things through and weighing pros and cons, you'll figure out what it's best to do.
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    edited December 2011
    From a practical perspective, there's a big difference in having $40,000 in Credit Card debt and $200,000 in mortgage debt.  A mortgage is looked at being responsible debt, so if you're worried about it affecting your credit, it's a LOT different than what credit card debt would do to your credit.  I guess what I'm saying is that it's good that you want to stay debt free, but a mortgage isn't on the same playing field as other debt.  Not to mention the tax savings you can bank through your mortgage.  Plus, having some debt helps your credit because it makes you credit worthy if you ever did need an emergency loan.  

    Just something to think about.
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    mrandmrsbristmrandmrsbrist member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I haven't seen you around in a while, so *waves* hi! I miss you :)

    That is so tough! I'm sorry you're feeling like that and I'm praying that God will show you the right direction, the direction He wants for you, not the one you want for yourself.
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry you are struggling- I will pray for God's will! If I were in your situation, I would try for the kids sooner rather than later for a couple reasons... 1. They say the risk of birth defects goes up after age 35. That's not to say you can't have kids after that age (you definitely can), but the risk does increase. If you only wanted 1 or 2, that wouldn't be a problem, but because you want 4, it possibly could be... 2. Some people get pregnant right away and some it takes years. If you wait until you're 33 and then it takes you 2 years to conceive... well, you get the idea. Obviously, it's your decision and, ultimately, it's really God's will. But, you're right, you probably can't do both, so maybe you and your H can sit down and talk about what's more important to the two of you. Everyone's different, so even though I gave advice, that might not be the right option for you.. Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers! 
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    azdancer8azdancer8 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Thanks, ladies. I'm feeling better about things today, but still a bit overwhelmed. The good thing is that this has me in total research mode, so I'm gathering lots of info about all of it. The best part of all of this is that DH and I have been so united in all of our ideas so far, and so supportive of each other. I love having a husband who thinks the same way I do!

    @ Stacy - We currently rent a house - it's really cheap rent for the size, but not somewhere we want to live long term.

    @ DramaGeek - No, we do not have insurance currently. Neither of us have it offered through work, and individual and family plans in this area do not cover maternity, except for complications. We spend less than $600 a year on medical stuff, so paying several hundred a month into insurance doesn't make sense to us. I am looking into re-opening a high-deductible plan, though, for emergencies.

    @ joesgurl - We always have 4-6 months worth of living expenses in our savings. (I didn't include that in my "wipe out our savings" amount.) ;)


    @ mrandmrsbrist - Hi! *Waves back* :)


    @ djhar - We're in a really unique situation where building a house would actually be way cheaper than buying. DH and his dad work construction, so they would be building the house (this means almost free labor and discounted supplies!). And his dad owns the lot we'd build on, so that would be a huge savings at the start. Also, we can bulid the house in phases, so we can actually save more money even while the house is being built. If we do it right, we can get the downstairs part of the house built, then move in and finish the upstairs later.

    Wow, that post got long. Sorry. But if you got to the end, you get cupcakes. They're chocolate chip. ;)

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    edited December 2011

    Thanks for the explanations, I now see where things are differnet.  Not having insurance does make a huge differnence.  I would however look into the Health Savings account, many banks offer them.  I think especially in your situation this would be a great for when you do decide to have a baby. 

    Good luck with everything!

    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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    DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It has nothing to do with having a baby, but please do get some emergency coverage insurance.  I've seen too many people get completely wiped out by a medical emergency when they didn't think they needed any insurance.  There are some very inexpensive plans out there that cover just the catastrophes.

    If you were pregnant, would you qualify for government insurance?  Friends of ours  planned to pay for their pregnancy because they didn't have insurance but didn't qualify for state insurance as they made too much money.  However, once a baby was involved, even when it was unborn, the financial assistance numbers changed drastically and they suddenly qualified.  It might just be Oregon, but apparently insurance for children is much more important than insurance for adults in our state so the state makes sure all children (and pregnant women) are taken care of.
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