counseling

cnrec

I am going to be young bride next year and right now I just need counseling. I have always wanted to be a "pure" bride and know that when I walk down the aisle, I will be clean under God. Well, more than a few times things got out of hand between my fiance and I. We didn't "go all the way" but we definetley did stuff we shouldn't. God laid it on my heart to stop multiple times and I didn't. I finally got it on SUnday and I told him we HAD to stop. Now though, I feel bad and sick that I can never be that bride I always wanted to be. What should I do?

RebeccaJac

None of us deserve to wear white on our wedding day. Regardless of what we've done physically in our relationships, we've done pleanty to make ourselves impure. The beauty of grace is that it's always available. The second you ask, God has wiped your slate clean, your shortcomings won't be held against you. 

God is madly in love with you. He gave everything so you can be the pure bride. It's awesome that you felt convicted and followed his leading, but the feeling bad and sick is Satan trying to rub things in your face. You're redeemed and forgiven and that should be celebrated!

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d5ba4646-d745-4c59-8be5-06e93f4c2bccPost:8c831d91-1882-4570-912c-373ac3dff7fc">Re: counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]None of us deserve to wear white on our wedding day. Regardless of what we've done physically in our relationships, we've done pleanty to make ourselves impure. The beauty of grace is that it's always available. The second you ask, God has wiped your slate clean, your shortcomings won't be held against you.  God is madly in love with you. He gave everything so you can be the pure bride. It's awesome that you felt convicted and followed his leading, but the feeling bad and sick is Satan trying to rub things in your face. You're redeemed and forgiven and that should be celebrated!
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]
This.  All of it.<div>
</div><div>Is there a pastor's wife or woman in your church you would be comfortable talking to?  The greatest help in our relationship, especially with our physical boundaries, was accountability outside of the two of us.  Which each had spiritually mature friends of the same gender that would ask the tough questions, pray for and with us, and were available to "talk it out."</div>

cnrec

None of the women in my church approve of our marriage so I don't feel comfortable talking with them. I don't know who to be accountable to because my closest friend doesn't believe in abstenincy. Thank you for the help!

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d5ba4646-d745-4c59-8be5-06e93f4c2bccPost:dae8f277-e811-464a-90c8-f162f12b0a30">Re: counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]None of the women in my church approve of our marriage so I don't feel comfortable talking with them. I don't know who to be accountable to because my closest friend doesn't believe in abstenincy. Thank you for the help!
Posted by cnrec[/QUOTE]
Is there a young adults group at your church you could get involved in?  <div>Or another church in town you may feel more comfortable at?</div><div>When is your wedding?</div>

sister2groom

Ditto Rebecca 100%. Thank God that because of the cross He loves us whether or not we're the women we want to be (because we're sinners so we're not going to be those women).

You don't need to answer to me, but why do these women not approve of your marriage? If that many people who are apparently Christian think something, it would give me pause. They aren't necessarily right, but you should probably evaluate their advice with prayer and scripture reading, maybe there is some wisdom to it. And if there isn't wisdom to their advice, then I'm not really sure why you're in a church where at least half the people are giving you foolish advice.

Regardless, you need to try find women who can give you godly encouragement and wisdom, it's just not healthy for your walk to not have an outside perspective (besides your FI). I think the biggest periods of rebellion in my life have come when I am not in a fellowship of at least one or two women keeping me accountable, loving me and encouraging me.

Finally, if you're really struggling with physical stuff, you might consider pushing up the wedding (re: 1 Corinthians 7:9). Yeah, it might not be ideal as far as logistics of the wedding are concerned, but your relationship with God and with eachother is very important and if shortening the time until you're married helps with that, you should seriously consider it.

cnrec

The reason they don't approve is because I am going on 17 and he is 21 and we aare getting married next year. When we first got engaged, I prayed to God for guidance on when to get married. I was thinking after highschool or college, but everytime I went to put the date on something, 2012 popped up. So, I asked my fiance to pray and he got the same answer. So, because of my age, I have tried to go into my youth group but, I felt like I wasn't growing spiritually. Should I go back and try again? I will definetley try and find someone to accountable to though. Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much this is helping me.

sister2groom

Why exactly didn't you feel like you were growing there? Getting close enough to fellowship deeply with people can be tough and hard, so don't expect it to happen right away. It's a blessing and it's worth it, but doesn't always come easily. So if Youth Group is the only place you can possibly have fellowship, you should work at relationships there.

What do your parents and the rest of your family feel about this marriage and its timing? Are they believers? Obviously you should to be getting counsel from someone who is godly and worthy of respect and is wiser with more life experience who knows you, I hope your parents can provide some of that.

ElisabethJoanne

I don't expect anything to come of this, except maybe criticism, but you should consider an Anglican, Missouri or Wisconsin Synod Lutheran, or Roman Catholic Church.

cnrec

I felt like i wasn't growing because mostly all they did was play games or mess around. I will try to go back into it this fall. My parents are fine with the marriage but I don't know if I can talk to my mom about the physical stuff.

FaithCaitlin

I'm sorry you are getting little support from the place that is supposed to be supportive-- Church! Like the girls said, ask and God will forgive you! It is a beautiful, amazing gift we are able to be given. I truly hope that you find someone to talk to; we are always willing to help out here but I'm sure it'd be more beneficial if you could speak with someone in person. I will be praying for you!

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d5ba4646-d745-4c59-8be5-06e93f4c2bccPost:50accb62-62d0-42f2-a62f-12caedf94019">Re: counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]Why exactly didn't you feel like you were growing there? Getting close enough to fellowship deeply with people can be tough and hard, so don't expect it to happen right away. It's a blessing and it's worth it, but doesn't always come easily. So if Youth Group is the only place you can possibly have fellowship, you should work at relationships there. <strong>What do your parents and the rest of your family feel about this marriage and its timing?</strong> Are they believers? Obviously you should to be getting counsel from someone who is godly and worthy of respect and is wiser with more life experience who knows you, I hope your parents can provide some of that.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, what do your parents say? Have anyone's concerns stuck with you? Do they keep coming up or do you have peace about everything? </div>

cnrec

My parents are fine with it! No ones concerns have stuck because they are all the same, which is that I am to young or will still be in highschool. I feel a peace about getting married next year, I know its the right thing to do. Thank you ladies so much for your, this has made me realize how much I need support from someone else.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d5ba4646-d745-4c59-8be5-06e93f4c2bccPost:03d41cb8-0402-4889-aad6-d7ebacd41b15">Re: counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't expect anything to come of this, except maybe criticism, but you should consider an Anglican, Missouri or Wisconsin Synod Lutheran, or Roman Catholic Church.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

Elisabeth, did you mean to post this here?  I'm thinking maybe TK is being wonky because I don't see the relevance.  If it is relevant, can you explain how?

OP, if you've read around here enough you know that I am not one to say that people need to wait until they're older or done with school to get married.  That said, I really would urge you to get at least a year of college under your belt before getting married.  I've seen too many girls get married right out of high school and then feel stuck - the marriage isn't working but they can't leave because they have no way to support themselves, since they've "only" been a wife.  Have a year out of your parents' house where you're making your own decisions and living more independently before you get married.

Obviously I'm not going to argue with God, but I just feel like 17 is so incredibly young, and i worry that if you marry while still in high school you won't end up finishing HS.  I've seen it happen many times and it scares me for you.

ElisabethJoanne

Absolutely relevant. The OP feels an abiding sense of guilt. Though she has put off the sin and confessed it to God, she doesn't feel absolved, and she wants a way to make restitution. The churches I mentioned have a way for dealing with this and all similar problems. It's called the Sacrament of Confession.

I'm an Anglican. Confession is optional for us. I've never been. But I think it's exactly what the OP needs.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_counseling-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d5ba4646-d745-4c59-8be5-06e93f4c2bccPost:5e667071-469a-4c14-93e2-a5cb23f9e389">Re: counseling</a>:
[QUOTE]Absolutely relevant. The OP feels an abiding sense of guilt. Though she has put off the sin and confessed it to God, she doesn't feel absolved, and she wants a way to make restitution. The churches I mentioned have a way for dealing with this and all similar problems. It's called the Sacrament of Confession. I'm an Anglican. Confession is optional for us. I've never been. But I think it's exactly what the OP needs.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

Got it.  I kept thinking it was meant for that thread where the girl was asking what about converting from Catholic to Lutheran.  I was having a hard time making a connection between a list of denominations and OPs problem.

ElisabethJoanne

Or any of the Eastern Churches (all those that have "Orthodox" in their name, except the Orthodox Presbyterians)

cnrec

I appresiate the concern Drama, I want to resure you I won't drop out. I take school waaaaayyy to seriously to do that (like, I almost cried when they wouldn't let me double up on AP math AND science). I think I might know church I can go to for confession,  thank you for the guidance!