Family - LONG. Sorry :(

MyWedding13

I am curious what all of your opinions are to my situation. I am asking here because I want a Christian perspective. I have a sister that is two years younger than I am who has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is very manipulative and very cruel to me (and my mom, but not as much anymore) and is extremely difficult to be around. However, as part of her personality or whatever, she puts on acts and shows so that outsiders think she is 100% normal. My parents have given up on trying to change her, so they flipped a switch or something and now act like she is totally normal, nothing is wrong, and I clearly have a problem for not getting along with her.

I always try my best to be civil, do not start any arguements and basically have nothing to do with her. I tolerate her when I see here and that is it. My parents are blaming me for the fact that we don't get along and my Mom keeps jumping down my throat saying that I need to fix everything and basically how this is my fault. To add to the background information, my sister cries and runs to my parents saying that she is so desperate to have a relationship with me and calls and emails and texts everyday but never gets any response. Well, she doesn't get any response because how can you return calls/emails/texts that don't exist, right?

Basically, FI and I are sick of this and don't want to be around her and my family as much because this is so hard to deal with. My parents, as a result, are calling me un-Christan and very hard hearted. I talk to a therapist and my priest about this and they both disagree with this and think that I am doing my best, but I am wondering if it is un-Christian to not want to have anything to do with someone that makes your life so miserable. What are your thoughts? I feel like we are trying our best, but my parents think it isn't good enough. They want us to be best friends and go out to dinner on double dates, etc. I am not willing to do this and neither is my FI. We get along extremely well with his family, including siblings so we just figured why not enjoy life instead fo the constant struggle.

Do you think I am being un-Christian by saying I have had enough with the drama?

GJones27

I really understand and feel your pain.  My sister has something that's between depression and bipolar disorder.  She acts nice to strangers for the most part, but she acts out a lot at home.  My parents excuse her behavior claiming she's ill, but I think my sister learned she could get away with some of that behavior.  She treats my mom worse than my dad because my dad won't tolerate it.  It's really frustrating because my sister treats me poorly in front of my parents, and they won't say a word.  But if I were to ever say something like that to my sister, my parents would flip.  I can go on and on with the stories of how my parents would give my sister all sorts of special treatment, whereas I was treated very differently. 

Eventually, I got so exhasperated with everything, my sister and I grew a bit apart.  I stopped calling her and stopped visiting home because my sister was very emotionally explosive.  My mom would always criticize and blame me for not being closer to my sister.  I always got the, "You girls were so close when you were young...."  But I think my mom understood a bit deep down inside because my mom gets treated the worst by my sister.

Fortunately, things are much better today.  But the situation only improved as my sister's mental health state improved.  I don't know what to suggest in terms of advice.  You can't logically argue with someone with a mental health disorder.  And I don't think I ever really learned how to best handle the situation.  Is your sister seeing a doctor?  My best advice is try to help her get treated because that is the only thing that will get at the root of the problem.  My sister went through years of therapy, trying different meds, and it took a long time to find something that worked.  Patience is really hard, but that's all one has.  Whenever I got really frustrated, I would try to keep it to myself and talk about it to my FI to let it out. 

I hope your sister gets better.  It's really frustrating.  She will mature, but it will take longer than usual.  Hang in there.  I'll keep you both in my prayers.

MyWedding13

It sounds like we are in very similar situations. She and the rest of my family don't think they need help. When my sister was younger, my parents therapist bounced with her but did a session here and there and didn't keep going. I keep going to a therapist that has met her and my parents in the past because I feel like her personality is almost unbelieveable. Another frustrating thing is that borderline personality disorder is not something that you can treat with medications. On occasion, antidepressant therapy can help, but it isn't the standard of care, talk therapy is.

I just feel bad because I don't even want a relationship with her. She makes me feel like complete garbage. Even if she were someday to be "normal", which seems unlikely, her persona is one that clashes with mine. She is a one-upper, competitive, and just not easy to get along with. The fact that I don't want her in my life is what I am having the most issues with from a Christian perspective.

iamjoesgurl

First, I think you should continue working with the therapist and your priest.  It seems like that will help you to understand and accept the relationship that you have with your family.  I don't think you are going to be able to reason with your family and it seems like the best thing you'll be able to do is to continue with what you are doing now.  It is a really sad situation and I'm glad your FI is able to be supportive.  Because your sister is manipulative, I don't think you'll be able to help your parents to see the truth.

And to answer your question, I don't feel like what you described is "un-Christian".  If you're not already praying about the situation, I would recommend it.  And if you haven't shared with your parents that you've been talking with the therapist and the priest, I think that might be helpful.  They should know that you care enough about your sister to try to talk to someone about it.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  Your sister is the one person that you will have a relationship for the most of the time in your lifetime.  It would be nice if it was a healthier relationship, but I would agree with you that it is not worthwhile to try to build a relationship with her when you are pretty confident that she doesn't really want one.

GJones27

Unfortunately, I don't know much at all about that condition.  But I do know that parents and people with mental health problems have a very difficult time accepting that something is wrong.  My sister acted out very strongly as a child.  I have memories of her throwing rocks at my head for no reason, or pulling my hair and dragging me across the floor.  I would complain to my parents, but they never listened to me since I was the older and presumably stronger child.  My parents took her once to a therapist when she was 11, and the therapist was so bad my sister refused to go back.  Well, time passed, and her condition only got worse.  Early intervention is needed for these things.  It's very difficult to convince someone, and it has to come from within.

Yeah, as the previous poster said, the fact that you feel bad about it is a good sign that you're trying to do the right thing.  Your priest will also guide you.  He is trained in providing advice.  Have you ever sat down with your sister and told her how much she hurts you?  Maybe if you wrote her a really heartfelt letter, going through all the emotions you're going through -- anger, sadness, frustration, fear -- but then conclude how much you love her, you'll help get her going down the right path.  Maybe as a step forward you can suggest that she go to therapy again, like, three times.  It's also reeeeeally critical that she find someone who is a good match personality wise for her.  My sister went through several therapists until she found one that worked for her.

My only other thought is that sister rivalry is coming through to a certain extent.  With siblings, we all grow up fighting and making fun of each other and putting each other down, and we feel threatened by sisters who are close in age to us.  Maybe her behavior is more extreme with you because of that factor.  Maybe spending some time apart for her to grow and feel confident of herself will help ease things.  I definitely know my young sister felt a bit threatened by any of my accomplishments since I'm two years older and she was in my shadows a bit. 

sessionswedding

I'm too tired to look it up right now, but I'm pretty sure the biblical protocol is (1) go to the person who has wronged you, if that doesn't work (2) go to a third party, if that doesn't work (3) go to the church, if that doesn't work (4) you are allowed to cut them out of your life.  Is that right?  It's in the New Testament, but I'm sleepy and I can't remember where it is, lol.

kellya01

God says to "love one another"... but that doesn't mean that you have to be around those people or let them into your personal life on a constant basis.  You can love your sister without having double dates or family outings.  That isn't being "un-Christian."  

You may find little things that you can do with your sister where there are enough distractions that her personality issues don't impact you as much --- family bowling night, going to church together, church lunches or dinners.  You might want to alert your parents to the fact that she is lying about sending texts, phone calls, emails.  Let them know that you are doing what you can but you do not want to get hurt by your sister again.  Tell them you're doing everything you can, talking to priest and/or therapist.  I think if you would just tell your parents the honest truth from your perspective, they may have a little more sympathy for you and won't be as pushy or confrontational about "this is your fault" when clearly it is not. 

MyWedding13

I have told them about the lack of texts etc...and they listen to everything she says and then say "we don't want to hear it" when I bring up anything. So I am doing what my therapist said, which is telling them to stay out of it. Which of course, they do not. I guess no one said life was going to be easy.

Kelly, you brought up an interesting point which was that you can love someone and not have them in your life constantly. My priest said something similar that you can love someone and not like them. I think that makes total sense. With my sister, I can't stand her behavior but I wish her the best and always hope she is ok. I think that is the same thing, I love her but don't like her actions.

Thanks for all of the wonderful advice ladies. You make me feel like I am not alone!

AshNoel8

It is very hard to deal with people who hurt us. And the fact that she has a medical condition makes it harder because you really can't reason with her. Continue doing what you are doing and pray about it as much as possible. Ask God for guidance and patience with her. Like the other girls said, love her but you don't need to hang out with her all the time. Do the best you can, but realize that you are human and things will upset you. Don't get down on yourself because of it- let go and let God!