Invitations and Kids

kellya01

Hey ladies,

You all are so great at responding with care in your posts that I wanted to ask something that is a bit complicated.  I'll make it as short as I can!  :-)

We all attended the wedding of a second cousin about 2 years ago that was "adult reception" and at first we were wondering, but it was REALLY nice (for their parents AND for the other guests) to not have the youngest children of the family in attendance, running around, causing chaos.  Well, we've decided to do the same thing.  Well, except for one child specifically invited - FI's cousin is a single mom, and the deadbeat dad who was supposed to keep the child for the summer is shirking on his responsibilities, and we're REALLY close with her entire family and so we chose to invite her child with her.  I think he is turning 3 sometime this year.  FI and I are close with her child as well - we just love this kid.  :-)

However, one of my cousins has 2 children - age 22 mos and 10 mos. (I think).  They are both in daycare all day long so the "newborn / breast-feeding" issue isn't one to worry about with them.  Well, they RSVP'd for them AND the kids (even though the kids weren't invited).  My mom sent the cousin an email basically stating that children could not be accommodated during the ceremony or reception, but that she'd be more than happy to have the church nursery and a babysitter available (and food as needed) to take care of the children during the evening if they must bring the children with them.  We were VERY specific on addressing the invitations, so I feel pretty justified in saying that I think mom's message was just fine and more than nice since kids weren't invited.   

Well, apparently even though this cousin has 2 sets of parents (step situation), and LOTS of brothers and sisters who have ALL babysat for her children, she is still upset that she can't bring her children.  The biggest thing that upsets us is that at EVERY family gathering with this extended family, it has become the "baby" show.  Watch the baby do this, watch the baby do that, the baby did this yesterday, look at this video of the baby, oh wait, we forgot to look at last weekend's pool pictures, etc.  It has gotten to the point that we don't even go visit for Christmas unless we are just going to see my grandpa on the day after Christmas or something like that. 

So on top of the children NOT being invited for nearly EVERY guest on the list, we have personal feelings for not wanting this cousin's children there.  It might sound mean and I'm sorry for that, but when you've had enough, you've had enough!!! Our thought this morning as we talked was that this is a wedding, not a family reunion.  It's not a kid-friendly event, nor were they invited. 

Have we done anything wrong?  Do you have advice to offer from having been in a similar situation?  Is the babysitter and food in the church nursery an acceptable alternative since kids aren't invited, and can we just leave it at that?  Is the issue with the FI's cousin (single mom /deadbeat dad / all of her family attending the wedding) in the clear despite the issue with my cousin's kids?

I'd appreciate your advice or feedback.  I need to feel better about all of it -- and right now I am SUPER stressed about this. 

sessionswedding

Based on what you've said, you and your mother have handled this situation exactly as you should have, down to having the nursery open and making one very specific exception.  In fact, the one child who is an exception could go to the nursery and then you don't even have to worry about anybody asking you "why did so and so get to bring THEIR KID?!"  Don't stress about it, just stick to your guns.

kellya01

Aw, sessions, that is almost exactly what my mom tried to reassure me with this morning as well.  It feels good to hear it from someone else too.  My description of the situation could always contain personal bias so I tried to share as many details that I could for the feedback.  I really appreciate your taking the time to read that post!!! :-)  Other feedback certainly welcome.  I guess I just need reassurance.  But if we are in the wrong, I wouldn't mind hearing that either, even if it's hard to hear.

mrandmrsbrist

There will probably be issues with the cousin when she sees the other child there. Be prepared for that.

Agree with Amanda, though. You did everything right and I completely understand why you don't want the children of the cousin there.

drama1308

I agree with sessions. I think you did everything right. You made ONE exception because it was needed.

LittleBigO

[QUOTE]My mom sent the cousin an email basically stating that children could not be accommodated during the ceremony or reception, but that she'd be more than happy to <strong>have the church nursery and a babysitter available (and food as needed) to take care of the children during the evening if they must bring the children with them.</strong> 
Posted by kellya01[/QUOTE]

That's good!!  I agree with the other ladies - You handled it like you should have, both you and your mom, and since the one little one is invited, be ready for a few upset people since their child(ren) weren't invited.  I agree, you might have the little one you invited go to the babysitter so there's not as many problems.  But it sounds like you handled it really well!!  Hopefully they can put their frustration aside and just be happy for you on your day.   :)

FaithCaitlin

I think you handled the situation perfectly. Props to your mom-- she she sounds like a smart lady!

Honestly, I'd stand firm on this one. If they choose not to come, their loss. Sorry to be harsh...

kat22885

We're having an adult reception...I'm just not a kid person.

I think you handled the situation perfectly.  (You really didn't even *need* to offer the babysitter, so you/your Mom went over and above what you *needed* to do.)  The one thing you can think about doing if this cousin doesn't bring her children and you don't want it to become an issue is make the 3 year old part of the wedding party.  I have 2 "kids" that I'm inviting (I say "kids" because the girl is going to 16 in September.)  I really wanted them there, but I didn't want anyone complaining about why they were there versus others.  So I made the girl a bridesmaid!  That way I could easily invite her younger brother as her family couldn't just leave the son at home, that'd be cruel.  Plus, the girl is adopted and I really want her to feel connected to our family (she's my cousin) and have a day that she can dress up and feel special too.  Anyway, so by adding him to the wedding party you kind of avoid the whole "why can HE be here and my kids can't?!"

SoonToBeGenao

I feel exactly the same way as Kat. If you don't want to send that one child to the babysitter with the others, make him a ring barer- so no one complains about why he is invited but none of the others. I did the same thing as her, and made one of my second cousins a bridesmaid so I can invite her without inviting ALL my second cousins

[Deleted User]

I think you handled it very well!  the babysitter was an extra plus...  have you got a response since all this?

kellya01

Well, so far we haven't heard from the cousin regarding the babysitter option, and of course she told her MIL (my aunt) so the aunt said she "doesn't understand" and she left it at that.  I forwarded my aunt's email to my mother so she could deal with it but my mom was just like "That doesn't even need a response. Formal evening weddings aren't a children's affair."  I talked with my SIL and with another BM and with my FI and we are all on the same page as you ladies on this issue.  Not that i needed the validation, but I kind of needed the reassurance, ya know!! :-) 

Thanks so much for responding with your encouragement!  

We decided long ago against having kids in the wedding, so if anyone asks us about the 3 yr old kid, we'll just say it was a necessary exception to the no kids rule.  Plus, I'm betting his mom or his grandma will leave early to put him to bed anyway.  ;-)