FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)

daffydillie

I really dont know what to do...

FI and I have met with the Reverend at the church we found that we are pretty excited about attending and doing classes at. We feel the pre-marital counseling will be helpful and I am going to get baptized soon Yay.

We were going to ask FSIL to be a bridesmaid in our wedding, closer to the date of course. But now I am not so sure that is a feasible option. She was actually my friend first, introduced FI and I, and pretty much nagged both of us until we met each other and really hit it off great.

FI and I had a big fight in February or March, I cannot remember when it was exactly. He was trying to move in with me before he was ready, was not ready for a serious commitment, and some other issues that all festered and blew up at once. Not a big deal, I think every couple goes through that. We fought, said our peace, and it made us even stronger than what we were before. Things are going great and we just recently got engaged.

Now I know I am living in sin, but FI moved back in with me a few weeks ago and we have learned how to grow together as a couple. We have joined a church together, been working out, and really have turned our lives completely around and are so happy with each other. We finally are living the lives we have always wanted. We both recently were offered our dream jobs. We are very blessed right now.

FSIL has become really distant with me and has stopped talking to me since FI and I have gotten serious. We went out last night and one of FI and I's mutual friends asked us what was going on. Apparently, FSIL has been telling people that FI's friends are not hanging out/talking to us because they are "tired of seeing him get treated like garbage." What the heck?

And we told FSIL and FFIL about us joining a church and they pretty much had a meltdown. That FI has changed so much and blah blah blah. And I guess when we first started dating one of FFIL's questions was if I was Christian. FSIL is wiccan/pagan along with several of FI's immediate family members. FI is obviously not and never has been. He has been a Christian but hasnt been to church because he did not like his church.

I dont know what FSIL's problem is talking behind our backs like this. She was a really good friend of mine for 10 years (FI was away at college or was always at his friend's house so I never met him). Granted, FI and I have had some arguments, mostly because of being on different pages in life. But other than our fight in Feb/Mar we have been happy.

I just dont know what to do. We have not told anyone about the engagement yet because we were afraid of the reactions of his family, my divorce to be final, and he wanted to show several people the ring first. ::Sighs:: What a mess.

**Edited Spelling**

fpaemp2011

We picked our attendants based on their support of our relationship and our relationship to them.  Our bridesmaids and groomsmen had prayed for and with us, held us accountable in the physical boundaries we set for ourselves, and were our closest friends, including two of my cousins.  We've now chosen two of them (now a married couple) to be our child(ren)'s godparents.

If you don't want your FSIL to be one of your bridesmaids, then she doesn't need to be.  If she's not supportive and you feel like she's going to continue to cause drama, you really don't need that heaped on top of wedding planning.

daffydillie

I am starting to think she would decline and not even go to the wedding at all because we are getting married in a church, and she finds our faith "offensive." I really do not want to cause problems between her and her brother, and I really didnt want to lose my friend. But it appears there really isnt a way around any of this.

I am just so hurt and confused. She still says she is my friend but does not return texts or goes out with us anymore. FI, FSIL, her SO, and I went to a wedding recently and she kept monopolizing FI's time and would get whiny if he came in to dance with me. I let them have their time together outside to socialize and went to dance with one of FI's mutual friends but FI followed us in and FSIL was pretty angry. I mean I think she misses not having her brother at home and I get that (before FI and I started dating he had moved home for a few years after college because he couldnt find a decent job and stuck around to help his mom and dad when his mom got sick).

I wish there was an easy answer to what I feel is nonsense. I wish she would just talk to us.

fpaemp2011

How old is she?

And, yeah, that really doesn't sound like the type of person you want standing up for you, especially if she is going to give you a hard time for making faith-based decisions regarding planning.  A bridesmaid isn't supposed to be treated like a servant by any means, but they should at least be supportive of the Covenant being made.

daffydillie

She is 25. I am 26. And FI is 28.

I dont think we are doing any of the pre-wedding stuff. I just wanted her to be there with us. FI had already discussed if our bridal party needed help with expenses we would leave room in the budget to have our closest friends and family there.

runpipparun

You have to remember that when two people get married, it can be viewed by their families as them "leaving" their family. Anything new they pick up, or any way they change can feel like a rejection of their childhood or their family. If he is now attending church, when before he WASN'T, particularly if they don't care for you, to them, it is a rejection of them, their way of life, their family, in favor of someone they either don't know, don't understand, or just don't like that much.

We are dealing with this. FI is leaving kind of a conservative tradition to join the Episcopal church, and his mother blames me for it. It's not my fault. I encouraged him to go to whatever church he wanted when we started dating, as long as he was in church. He chose to attend mine, he read some books, and he realized that part of the reason he had stopped attending Southern Baptist church was that it didn't offer him anything and hadn't helped him grow, and he felt like another church would challenge him more. So he started investigating the Methodist, Lutheran, and Episcopal Churches. My fault? No. Not at all.

But his mom takes it out on me. Because she feels rejected.

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fsil-and-a-christian-weddinglong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e0026dbc-1b84-4d7f-bca1-c110f318329fPost:d1451840-a721-410a-abee-062710bb9563">Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]She is 25. I am 26. And FI is 28. 
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]<div>Oh wow.  I was guessing 16-19ish.

</div>

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fsil-and-a-christian-weddinglong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e0026dbc-1b84-4d7f-bca1-c110f318329fPost:2cfa9b9e-9b93-490f-bdac-02a840dffdda">Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to remember that when two people get married, it can be viewed by their families as them "leaving" their family. Anything new they pick up, or any way they change can feel like a rejection of their childhood or their family. If he is now attending church, when before he WASN'T, particularly if they don't care for you, to them, it is a rejection of them, their way of life, their family, in favor of someone they either don't know, don't understand, or just don't like that much. We are dealing with this. FI is leaving kind of a conservative tradition to join the Episcopal church, and his mother blames me for it. It's not my fault. I encouraged him to go to whatever church he wanted when we started dating, as long as he was in church. <strong>He chose to attend mine, he read some books, and he realized that part of the reason he had stopped attending Southern Baptist church was that it didn't offer him anything and hadn't helped him grow, and he felt like another church would challenge him more. So he started investigating the Methodist, Lutheran, and Episcopal Churches.</strong> My fault? No. Not at all. But his mom takes it out on me. Because she feels rejected.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

That is exactly what we did. I was not happy with the church that I was attending (Lutheran) and he was not happy with the church he was attending (Presbyterian) and we starting researching relgions until we found one that suited both of us. We have been working on our "marriage" not just a wedding and a better life together. We sat down and made goals and expectations of each other and it really helped us as a couple. And we found a church that suits us. We wanted to find a church, get in shape and better our health, and further our careers.

I am just not sure if her problem truly is. If its our faith, our relationship, or if she just likes causing drama. We both have spoken with her, but she pretends nothing is wrong when obviously something is.

runpipparun

I should also mention that his sister is uninvited after she sent him the nastiest, most venomous email about how he had chosen my family over hers, was ignoring HIS niece and nephew (he drove four hours home 3 times in December for 3 separate X-mases with them and had a co-birthday party with his nephew in March), had NEVER been a brother to her, money had changed him, etc. This is a young lady who, after her divorce at the age of 20, he offered to take in, WHILE he was in vet school, so that he could help her get in to college and on the right track. She also had some choice words for me, and I hadn't ever even met the girl yet.

So, you aren't alone. People act funny. It's not about you, it's their hang-up, and their expectations not being met. But you can't control other people's expectations.

ETA: HIS niece and nephew.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fsil-and-a-christian-weddinglong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e0026dbc-1b84-4d7f-bca1-c110f318329fPost:d095bfb8-d996-48b8-b4f4-f3b5a3d7b485">Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long) : Oh wow.  I was guessing 16-19ish.
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

Yeah the whole thing is pretty childish. She still doesnt have a drivers liscense yet, she works as a waitress, and her and her unemployed BF plays video games all the time and sleep for a minimum of 12 hours a day. FI got annoyed that she was crying to everyone how she never sees him anymore but refuses to get out of bed to go out with us or even watch movies at his dad's house. We live an hour away, but go home to clean his dad's house and cut the grass for him. We dont say anything and just do it and have asked her to have dinner with us and she refuses. The most she has said to us is we better get FI's pets out soon.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fsil-and-a-christian-weddinglong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e0026dbc-1b84-4d7f-bca1-c110f318329fPost:05ee220f-cfe6-403a-a65a-c2acdf92efe7">Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long) : That is exactly what we did. I was not happy with the church that I was attending (Lutheran) and he was not happy with the church he was attending (Presbyterian) and we starting researching relgions until we found one that suited both of us. We have been working on our "marriage" not just a wedding and a better life together. We sat down and made goals and expectations of each other and it really helped us as a couple. And we found a church that suits us. We wanted to find a church, get in shape and better our health, and further our careers. I am just not sure if her problem truly is.<strong> If its our faith, our relationship, or if she just likes causing drama.</strong> We both have spoken with her, but she pretends nothing is wrong when obviously something is.
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think your best course of action is to let it lie and go on. If it's any one of those things, there is no fix. Particularly if it's causing drama. Giving her attention will make it worse. She should not enter into your relationship or your faith at all, and to try to speak to her about them is to treat her like she is your child whom you'd like to keep happy.</div><div>
</div><div>She's an adult, she is responsible for her own happiness. I love my brother, but if he's upset because I converted away from Catholicism or if he doesn't like J, he can go jump in a lake. And then get out, show up to the wedding, and act like a grown up. If he can't act like a grown up, he shouldn't show at all.</div><div>
</div><div>(My bro is my Man of Honor. He's cool.)</div>

daffydillie

Pippa- I really hope it does not get to that point. I am already pretty certain us getting engaged alone is going to stir the pot but us having a church wedding is going to cause a major rift with her.

I know my family is not too pleased that we are not Catholic. They have said they would completely pay for our wedding if we would get married in the Catholic church. We declined. Our faith is important to us. But they have accepted our faith and I am sure they will accept our church service wedding.

My bro is completely cool too, he is walking me down the aisle.

I guess this is a double issue for me, her relationship with her brother being destroyed(he is standing firmly by me on this) and our friendship destroyed over something so petty.

runpipparun

Yeah, my FSIL is kind of... a deadbeat... too. She's been married twice. The second time was right after the first. She got pregnant by a random dude who was WAY older and they did the JP thing and told everybody later. Now's she's got two kids and lives across the street from FMIL, who does a lot of the parenting. She sits on FB all day and enters her toddler in online pageants. Her hubby lives several hours away with HIS mom. Yeah. Awesome marriage. So for her to say ANYTHING about us getting married anywhere is ridiculous.

FI is not and never has been close to his sister though, so it's not a big loss for us. The test will be that *I think* his mom and dad will threaten to boycott our wedding if we don't let her come. But considering her extremely hateful words and the fact that FMIL has already said that FSIL will never apologize to us, I can't imagine that FI will budge on that.

It's a good thing my family loves him and is supportive of us.

daffydillie

I am glad my family and most of our friends are supportive. I think what is bothering me the most is she is telling people I treat him like garbage. And I have noticed his best friend's mom commenting on a lot of his pictures of us and our house lately. His best friend sent me a friend request on facebook and then unadded me, and when we invited him to our "new beginnings" cookout he never returned my texts. So I do not know how valid him not hanging around with FI because of me is. It could go either way.

jenningz

My FSIL was going to be my FIs best man (long story, he doesn't have many close guy friends, not Christians ones at the moment, not yet, and no one I trusted) all was fine and dandy, and then a few weekends she was visiting and she stated that, unless she could be on the family table (we're not having a top table, we're having one for us 2, then a Bridal Party table and a Family Table) she'd fake being sick and go home. Needless to say I was pretty upset and so was FI.... sisters often get jealous, especially if they're the only sister. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but if you don't feel she'll be a positive addition and support to you on your day, don't have her as a bridesmaid.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fsil-and-a-christian-weddinglong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e0026dbc-1b84-4d7f-bca1-c110f318329fPost:7746549c-4e5f-42fa-ac32-585f939a2648">Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]My FSIL was going to be my FIs best man (l<strong>ong story, he doesn't have many close guy friends, not Christians ones at the moment, not yet, and no one I trusted</strong>) all was fine and dandy, and then a few weekends she was visiting and she stated that, unless she could be on the family table (we're not having a top table, we're having one for us 2, then a Bridal Party table and a Family Table) she'd fake being sick and go home. Needless to say I was pretty upset and so was FI.... sisters often get jealous, especially if they're the only sister. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but if you don't feel she'll be a positive addition and support to you on your day, don't have her as a bridesmaid.
Posted by jenningz[/QUOTE]

<div>Wooooooaaaaaah. You're telling him who his best man can be? That's F'ed up. I'm not *crazy* about FI's best man, because I don't know him super well, and the guy's life is a little... odd, but if FI trusts him, then I trust him.</div>

GunzNRoses213

Honestly it sounds like she might be a lil jealous... So you started hanging out with her brother ... So she looses time with her brother and also kinda with you as well since you were close ? Just a thought ... So it's like the opposite of a 3rd wheel it's more like someone who wants to distance themselves. ? Maybe she dosnt like where she is in life and just wants to make a mess of things for other people ...

I asked my FSIL early on in our planning process... Since then she and my FI have had a huge fight right before Christmas... So she is'nt too akward with me but sometimes I feel "in the middle " with them fighting ... It's hard ... I dont know my FSIL that well so it's not the same thing but maybe it's just that bro/sis bond thing that if it gets messed up for whatever reason by one or the other ... It can just get a lil weird for everybody..

I'd give it a lil bit and see if her attitude changes... Or maybe just ask her if something is bothering her....

jenningz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_fsil-and-a-christian-weddinglong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e0026dbc-1b84-4d7f-bca1-c110f318329fPost:63b90357-7249-4040-8e2f-9842aed29765">Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL and a Christian wedding(long) : Wooooooaaaaaah. You're telling him who his best man can be? That's F'ed up. I'm not *crazy* about FI's best man, because I don't know him super well, and the guy's life is a little... odd, but if FI trusts him, then I trust him.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

Excuse me? When I said I don't trust them, it meant we both don't.... the best man is supposed to be a support to the groom, and I'm sorry if I didn't want him having a best man who'd take him out, get him drunk and hire strippers. Don't tell me something's F'ed up. How dare you. He has 2 guy friends, 1 who works ridiculous hours and one who now has a kid, so I'm sorry if I wanted to be SUPPORTIVE and make sure he had someone who would be supportive to him, and in all honesty. If your future WIFE isn't comfortable with someone in terms of that role, it should be an important factor in your decision. That was a very rude comment. I didn't TELL him who his best man should be, I simply said that I'd like it to be someone who he trusts, and is a support for him. Sorry if that means his friends don't fit the bill.