i'm needing some honesty here

amongthelilies25

okay......my FI did tell the school (and this pastor) that he proposed. so the pastor knows that my FI put a ring on my finger, got down on one knee in front of his familyand asked for my hand in marriage. so..they know. The school has asked my FI to continue with "no emotional dating" committment...which is what we are doing and not talking. so this is what is meant by them not knowing we are engaged. they know. he told them. but.....they told him that he made a committment to the school to no emotionally date. so..that is what is meant with the whole omition thing.

me and my FI were together for 7 months before he went to school...but i am still unsure WHY this is an issue with us being together. i know ppl who knew eachother for 4 months and got married...they have no issues in their marriage. i think since our relationship has withheld this test of time with not having communication proves that we can handle anything.

we do know there are things that will be addressed before marriage. we are currently addressing them apart..and when he gets home we will be adressing them together as a couple. He gets home in the beginning of May and our wedding is in the end of August....so ya...plenty of time for pre-marital counseling which we will be doing in our home church. it is an intense 9 week pre-marital counseling that our pastor puts on. 

A family/friend pastor will be doing our ceremony who also did some counseling with us while we first started dating..and also spoke with my FI before and after his proposal KNOWING my FI's rules with the school. It was this pastor that encouraged my FI to tell the school about the engagement...in which he did. after he told the school the truth..they wanted to kick him out of school and had 2 days to decide. My FI went back to them and said that he wants to finish out his committment with the school in right standing and will continue with the "no emotional dating" committment (which means no talking to me..which we have honored).

i know that you all are only getting a glimpse of my life and this whole story...and so its easy to jump to conclusions of "what you would do" or how you feel i should handle the situation at hand....but remember that you are not in my shoes..and you dont see the whole picture when i do. 

SE+MB

I was under the impression that you were getting married right after he came home. You did say that he was leaving a mission trip early so that lead me to believe that the wedding was right after he came home.

You also left the impression that they DIDN'T know that you were engaged. I'm sorry but you can't be engaged to a person and NOT have an emotional experience with them. Emotional committment is more than just not talking on the phone. I think that the point of the rule is to be completely focused on God and when you are getting married and actively planning a wedding, you aren't completely focused on God.

The reason that I brought up your length of time dating was because there are clear issues that need to be addressed. I think that if you had a bit more time (what's the rush anyway?) you would feel more comfortable getting married. Your original post was about having jealousy issues, and I know you said you talked to him  (How is this following the "no emotions" i.e. by your definition no talking on the phone?).

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:4ba3c335-eaf4-4855-8e90-d24bbdf145d8">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]me and my FI were together for 7 months before he went to school...but i am still unsure WHY this is an issue with us being together. i know ppl who knew eachother for 4 months and got married...they have no issues in their marriage. i think since our relationship has withheld this test of time with not having communication proves that we can handle anything.
Posted by amongthelilies25[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with PP...what's the rush?  Seven months is not a long time.  Just because people do it in less time (and A FEW defy the odds) doesn't mean that it's a particularly wise idea to get engaged/married after a few months of dating.  I dated my ex for over 2 years, 1.5 years of that was long distance.  I loved him with my whole heart, but at the end of the day, it didn't work out.  </div>

jkh1182

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:0b43a2d2-7e9d-4f30-a765-c914b541e07a">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]ya...he is not lying about the school. its like a master's commission. (:  the school is affialated with Assemblies of God.  i have heard other ppl say that it is like a cult. lol. i assure you..it is not. actually a lot of ministry schools have these type of dating rules. mine did not...which is was ONE of appeals to it for me.  i'm actually feeling ALOT better after some alone time with God last night and a lot of journaling. this season is strengthening us...and i cannot let a dumb innocent picture or tweets or any of that doubt the love that my and FI have for eachother. i WILL not allow the enemy to take ground in my relationship any longer!  so what? ppl dont like me....ppl didnt like Jesus and KILLED him for their "disapproval"..i choose to be like Jesus and pray for them for "they know not what they do."  New joy comes in the morning..and that is where i am at. i know that this season gets annoying and frustrating and hard...BUT i CHOOSE to love and accept love.  i trust my FI with EVERYTHING that is in me..i trust him. i know what he went to that school for - to become a better man to be a better husband to me and a better father for our future children. (: NOTHING has changed in that area..and from this day forward i will forever walk in His truth! 
Posted by amongthelilies25[/QUOTE]


Sometimes things are not always as they seem.  I know there have been innocent things that have happened with my FI and I that have made me wonder as well, but then I realize it's just the Devil putting doubt in my mind.  Just keep praying and stay strong.

SuMmErKuTiE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:fd449e89-de9e-4ef1-9600-eb36f70ae111">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]You want honesty?  Here goes.  I would have one last conversation with FI about this, and it would not be through his mom, I would call him directly come hell or high water. FI, you either leave that crazy cult TODAY , or I leave you.  Period.  A man is supposed to be willing to die for his wife the way Christ died for the church, and you won't even stand up for me when some pastor talks down about me? Lillies, I would be very seriously reconsidering this wedding.  Sounds like your FI already is.  My FI would have punched that pastor in the face for saying something like that about me.  And no, you're not wrong to feel jealous or insecure or angry in this situation, because I already feel it for you.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this exactly... it saddens me to think that your FI is not being able to be open about his engagement to you. I've never heard of a church or Christian schooling that would have you cut off all communication with someone you're engaged to. Something just doesn't sound right. </div><div>
Besides, you guys are about to enter a marriage, you should be growing together. Having zero communication is such a hindrance for something so important. How can that be healthy? I completely agree that you should be giving him an ulitmatum, everything about this just sounds wrong. I understand he needs to be focusing on God and not have distractions, but you are his future wife, and if you communicated on the phone or online once a day or even at the least once a week, it would be VERY healthy for you and not a distraction at all. You'll be in my prayers, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I doubt you have anything to worry about with the other girls in his program, what you should have to worry about is the program itself. </div>

Calypso1977

among, i must say that this is very odd to me.

as a catholic, the months leading up to my actual wedding day were a time for marriage prep, reflection, prayer, etc.  while some of the prep was required, i think the other elements were important for any christian marriage.
 
im not sure why you are not allowed any contact with your FI.  to me, that is cultish.  if it were an all male school and they forbade any interaction with the opposite sex, then i suppose it would make sense.  but at the same time i still dont understand the need for forbidding it since the vocation he's looking to go into does not forbid marriage (like the catholic priesthood would). 

while some will disagree, i think 22 or 23 is very young to be married.  and 7 months is a short engagement.  its almost like he asked you to make sure you wouldnt leave him knowing that his period of "no communication" would take place. 

im not saying dump the guy, but i certainly wouldnt rush into anything.

DramaGeek

H grew up in Assemblies of God churches.  He feels strongly that it's a cult.  He left at 18 and refuses to go back.  Some of the things that happened to him, or that he was told/taught astound me.  I won't go into it here, but needless to say I was expecting to hear this was an Assemblies school/pastor as it fits their MO to cut people off.

I would have a hard time with the idea that my fiance chose a school over me.  That doesn't sit well, at all, but I'm not in your relationship and if you're ok with it, then by all means, go for it.  Except it doesn't sound like you are ok with it, which concerns me.  I did see your update, and I'm glad you talked to him and feel better, but there's just something about this that seems off.  I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

Calypso1977

i just read the update too.  im wondering now if your FI is being asked to cut off contact with you because of the premarital sex, wehreas other male students are not being asked to cut off contact with their female counterparts in teh outside world if they've been "pure" with those contacts.

AshNoel8

I'm late on this, and I didn't read all of the posts because there are 40 of them haha. I get the basic idea of what's going on, though. I can't give advice because this is such a unique situation and I have no idea what I would do. BUT I will pray for you- that you may feel God's comfort, that everything will work out according to His will! 

MrsTucker2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:fd449e89-de9e-4ef1-9600-eb36f70ae111">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]You want honesty?  Here goes.  I would have one last conversation with FI about this, and it would not be through his mom, I would call him directly come hell or high water. FI, you either leave that crazy cult TODAY , or I leave you.  Period.  A man is supposed to be willing to die for his wife the way Christ died for the church, and you won't even stand up for me when some pastor talks down about me? Lillies, I would be very seriously reconsidering this wedding.  Sounds like your FI already is.  <strong>My FI would have punched that pastor in the face for saying something like that about me.  And no, you're not wrong to feel jealous or insecure or angry in this situation, because I already feel it for you.
</strong>Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

THIS
From what I've read, you have every right to feel insecure or jealous. You are being purposely pushed out of the picture for a commitment to a SCHOOL.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, and I genuinely am concerned for you situation, but what keeps coming to mind as I read all these posts was that it is possible to make somewhat of an 'idol' out of things - SO, jobs, a car, and in this case a school. Just because something may seem like it's a very good option, is it worth sacrificing everything possible to gain it?

IMO if he is allowed to interact by texting with other girls, I'd sure as heck be texting him too. No one should be allowed to dictate how me and my FI interact.