Officiant concerns (sorry, a bit rambly)

catwine

We had wanted to ask our former pastor to officate our wedding but he hasn't responded since July so I've given up on him.  We don't currently have a church so I thought I'd look into getting married at,  and using the pastor from,  my childhood church. The pastor there said he is available to marry us on that day but wants to interview us to see if his denomination allows him to.

 We are a bit put off by this because it seems like our personal lives shouldn't be a concern to him. My fiance and i are both Christians but  if the pastor expects us to be going to church every week and attending bible studies and such then we are toast...which means we will be without an officiant!

Has anyone had experience with this?

BMcLeodTeam

We had a meeting with our Pastor, did coffee at his house with his wife and him. We also are attending the Marriage Preperation course right now. At my church they won't marry any couple without first the course and a meeting with the Pastor...

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_officiant-concerns-sorry-bit-rambly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e62086ee-535d-4631-a54e-a43f3b8e843aPost:5b2c2189-5062-4a1e-a2d4-fbedc3882223">Officiant concerns (sorry, a bit rambly)</a>:
[QUOTE]We had wanted to ask our former pastor to officate our wedding but he hasn't responded since July so I've given up on him.  We don't currently have a church so I thought I'd look into getting married at,  and using the pastor from,  my childhood church. <strong>The pastor there said he is available to marry us on that day but wants to interview us to see if his denomination allows him to</strong>.  We are a bit put off by this because it seems like our personal lives shouldn't be a concern to him. My fiance and i are both Christians but  if the pastor expects us to be going to church every week and attending bible studies and such then we are toast...which means we will be without an officiant! Has anyone had experience with this?
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

<div>It sounds like the pastor doesn't really know you, so this would be a natural part of the process. Most religious officiants won't marry just anyone. I know I wouldn't if I didn't believe God lead them to that place and they are ready for it. It's a HUGE thing to bless someone's marriage. </div><div>
</div><div>He will most likely want to do premarital counseling with you (which is a good thing-- not an indication that you're not ready, but more help in preparing). </div><div>
</div><div>Don't jump to conclusions that he's out to get you. He just wants to cover his bases before he commits to marry you. </div>

ochemjenn

We also got married in DH's childhood church.  In the first meeting the minister really wanted to get to know us better and see what were were like with each other.  Although DH had attended church there growing up, he'd been gone for almost 4 years for med school, and I'd only met the minister a few times.  He didn't ask us if we regularly attended Bible study or anything like that.  He wanted to make sure that we had compatible life goals, could compromise, deal with in-laws etc.

iamjoesgurl

My dad was/is a pastor and he would never marry a couple without meeting them first.  He felt that he had a responsibility to God to be discerning in who he should marry and who he shouldn't.  I understand why he would want to meet you although I don't really understand his comment "if his denomination allows him to".  Maybe you could meet with him and if you get a bad vibe, you could always contact him and let him know that you have changed your mind.

catwine

I understand that he would want to meet us before hand so that  he knows us. i'm worried he will decide we aren't fit to be married or some other crazy nonsense. I don't like that someone else is deciding that based on a brief meeting.
my mom said it makes sense that he needs his denominations approval first but it still bothers me.

if we don't go with this pastor then we will have to pick arandom officiant from the phone book:(

iamjoesgurl

If he doesn't know you and based on one meeting he decides that you are not fit to be married but you know it is right, then I would take that as a sign that you should find someone else.  I'm sorry that you would have to go with someone random otherwise.  Do you have any friends that have gotten married recently that could recommend their officiant?

Have you been looking for a church to attend?  Do you have a church that you are getting married in?  I'll be praying for you both that this works out.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_officiant-concerns-sorry-bit-rambly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e62086ee-535d-4631-a54e-a43f3b8e843aPost:f7accbd9-a9c9-4422-b849-9721bb464f3e">Re: Officiant concerns (sorry, a bit rambly)</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that he would want to meet us before hand so that  he knows us. i'm worried he will decide we aren't fit to be married or some other crazy nonsense. I don't like that someone else is deciding that based on a brief meeting. my mom said it makes sense that he needs his denominations approval first but it still bothers me. if we don't go with this pastor then we will have to pick arandom officiant from the phone book:(
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, you could have someone who knows you and loves you get ordained by the Universal Life Church.  Check your state laws first, but most states allow it.</div>

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_officiant-concerns-sorry-bit-rambly?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e62086ee-535d-4631-a54e-a43f3b8e843aPost:f7accbd9-a9c9-4422-b849-9721bb464f3e">Re: Officiant concerns (sorry, a bit rambly)</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that he would want to meet us before hand so that  he knows us. i'm worried he will decide we aren't fit to be married or some other crazy nonsense. I don't like that someone else is deciding that based on a brief meeting. my mom said it makes sense that he needs his denominations approval first but it still bothers me. if we don't go with this pastor then we will have to pick arandom officiant from the phone book:(
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

<div>I wouldn't be worried that he's going to find you unfit to be married. He may point out some issues you need to give attention before the wedding, but probably not tell you you can't be married. If he says you can't, they you probably have some things to work out, or you're better off finding another officiate. </div><div>
</div><div>I would ask friends who they would recommend. Heck, nowadays anyone can officiate so worst case scenario get your dog ordained and you're set :) </div>

sprtychick10

I don't think he shouldn't have used the word "interview". It puts a vibe out there that he has to see if your FI and you are "good enough" to get married by him and I am sure that isn't what he meant. Like everyone else said, any minister/pastor is going to want to meet with a couple before they agree to marry someone. It's a normal step in the process. I would just be yourself and try not to get too worked up over the initial meeting. Do you have a date and time set up for the meeting?

catwine

We are actually the first of our friends to get married. The church we are considering is my childhood church and this pastor is the current pastor.
We are currently attending another church but have only been there a few weeks. Last night I thought we could maybe ask the pastor there if we run out of options.

I'm from Canada and not just anybody can be ordained:(

DramaGeek

Canada doesn't accept ULC?  Interesting, good to know.

I would definitely speak with the pastor at the church you're currently attending.  It seems like that would be more meaningful, both short and long term.  H and I were very insistent that we be married by someone that we either a) had a relationship with at the time or b) intended to have a relationship with.  Our current pastor wasn't available, so we went to my childhood pastor and asked him.  He didn't know us as a couple, but he knew me and my family well, and that was important to us.

Don't worry about the meeting with the new pastor.  If you don't jive with him, you don't have to get married there (do realize that many churches will not allow you to use their building if their pastor isn't marrying you though).

BMcLeodTeam

Yes, the rules here in Canada are rather different on who can do it

I defintely agree that you should talk to the pastor at the church that you're currently attending. I think it would be very meaningful and could be representitive of the new start for you and your FI together with your new church

Not sure where you are  in Canada, but I am sure you'll be able to find someone that will be perfect for your day

naomikb

I'm with the other girls, it's not unreasonable for him to want to meet you before he marries you.  Barring any major issues, I don't expect he would refuse to marry you.

How did you contact the other pastor back in July?  Often older pastors aren't up with technology (email) or forget to get back to you.  Have you physically walked into the church (during business hours or after a service) to talk to him?  If he can put a face to a name you would probably have more progress communicating with him about marrying you.

Also, where in Canada are you?  I'm near Toronto.

catwine

The pastor at the new church is definetly a possibility.
Thanks, BMcLeod:)

naomikb : I contacted him via Facebook and he is very tech savvy. He has been online repeatedly since then but just not replying. His church currently meets in a school gym so there isn't an actual office I could visit. I'm near Peterborough/Kawartha Lakes.

mrandmrsbrist

Why don't you just call the other pastor? I don't think one Facebook message is enough of a reason to give up on him.

BMcLeodTeam

I know of a few in the Barrie/Orillia area (as that's where I am originally from) but unfortunately no closer than that.

ElisabethJoanne

Many demoninations have rules about who can be married in their churches. They're really basic rules, but they're rules nonetheless. In my denomination, there are special procedures if either member of the couple has been married and divorced before another wedding can take place. Also, if either member is permanently infertile, the other has to know that. Also, both have to be baptized Christians, and I think one has to be a member of the denomination. Both have to be of an age they can legally be married, or have parental consent. If both are fertile, they have to be "open to children" or something, and agree to raise the children as Christians. [I'm Anglican Catholic.]

All of this that can be learned by a pastor and discussed in about 20 minutes, and all of it is pretty clear - no judgments on the relationship, just some rather legal stuff.