Co-habiting

letyourselfgo

Anyone else doing/have done it?

Were you able to remain abstinent during the time?

Why did you move in together?

If you could do it all over again, would you make the same decision?

mrandmrsbrist

We aren't. I wish we were sometimes, though. Going home at night sucks.

joie424

We did not. We are glad we didn't.

fpaemp2011

We did not.  The first time we were ever totally alone was our wedding night.  We were actually 1100 miles apart the last 4 1/2 months of our engagement, which sucked, but it removed any and all temptation.

SoonToBeGenao

Anyone else doing/have done it? Yup. Have been since January 1- getting married October 8th

Were you able to remain abstinent during the time? Absolutely but it is NOT easy.

Why did you move in together? We lived far away from each other, planning the wedding was impossible and it was very important to FI that we spend more time together. He wanted to make sure we knew each other well before we got married- get the hard part and adjustments out so we can just enjoy each other after the wedding.

If you could do it all over again, would you make the same decision? At first I really wanted to stay home until I was married. I was living with my parents for 24.5 years. FI had been on his own since he was 18. (10 years). After many thoughts and prayers, I agreed to live with him- so long as we were very very serious about staying abstinent. We read so much scripture together and completely understood that sex before marriage was a sin and it was important to both of us to abstain, but we really didn't see a biblical reason to not live together (besides the tempation of sex etc). Now that we have been living together for 7-8 months, I am SO glad we did it. I LOVE living with him. I am so happy that I got to experience my homesickness and all my other problems in this time- so that when we get married, we can begin with happiness and not me being sad that I miss my parents and everything. I would absolutely make the decision a million times. I am also excited that even though we live together, our lives will still change and our behavior will change so much after we get married when we can be naked around each other, and can have sex. Still gives us something to look forward to with the honeymoon and after.

FaithCaitlin

We aren't living together for purely financial reasons. We both live for free currently and see each other everyday. Even though I wish we were living together, from a financial standpoint it's silly. As far as temptation, I would think it would be tough to not give in if you lived together although I know it's possible. That said, maybe FI and I just don't do well with temptation- we had sex about 2 years into our relationship. We don't regret it but we did plan on waiting til marriage. Good luck! This is a big decision!

drama1308

We don't live together, but I do wish that we did sometimes. I don't like leaving at the end of the day or constantly driving over to his house. But, it'll all be over in a few weeks

drama1308

as a side note, I wouldn't recommend doing it if you are trying to wait until marriage. While it may be possible Ito abstain, I'm sure it is incredibly difficult to do so.

ochemjenn

Anyone else doing/have done it? Yes, we did.

Were you able to remain abstinent during the time? Well, we weren't abstinent  before we lived together, so no.

Why did you move in together?  We'd lived long distance for 2 years.  When I finished grad school I wanted to be in the same town as him but didn't have a job yet.  We'd been engaged a couple of months when I moved in. 

If you could do it all over again, would you make the same decision?  Assuming I'd been in grad school beforehand, yes.  If I could go back any further and not go to grad school, I would have gotten a job in his town after undergrad and had my own place.

amongthelilies25

Fi and i do not live together. but i know, for us, we could NOT abstain if we did live together. lol. We are waiting until our wedding day... and now that the date is getting closer we are getting more and more excited for it! 

i am happy that we chose to not live together before marriage. for us... it fits. (: i am excited for all of our firsts. i have never lived with a boy before so i am anxious and excited. (: 

one more month! 

sprtychick10

No, we aren't doing it. I hate it sometimes and love it sometimes. I can't wait till we live together. FI has even made comments how his house will seem more like a home when it isn't just him living there, aww.

perkins81

Anyone else doing/have done it? We did for 5 months, but we knew it was temporary when I moved in (see below for the reason).
 
Were you able to remain abstinent during the time? Yes, but temptation did kick in and we started "fooling around" and now we continue doing this, but "try" to keep it to a minimum. We haven't had full intercourse (we're both virgins) but it is hard b/c we really want to and we've almost gone all the way a few times.

Why did you move in together? We were doing LDR and when I graduated, I moved in with him AND his mom (she lives with him b/c she can't afford her own place yet - long story). I only agreed to do this temporarily until I got a job and could afford my own place. FMIL is ok, but we do NOT agree on a lot of things and I couldn't stand living with her for too long so I moved out as soon as I could.

If you could do it all over again, would you make the same decision? We both agree that living together for those 5 months was VERY eye opening for both of us and we learned a lot about what it will be like when we're married. Neither of us regret it at all. We were finally able to work through some issues and our relationship is much stronger now.

. . . On a side note, now that I have my own place, he comes to visit often. Ironically, it's even harder now to remain abstinent now b/c we have plenty of alone time, which we didn't have at his house since his mom was ALWAYS around! Temptation will creep up whether you're living together or not.

Purple&7

As of right now, we don't. We've talked about it, but haven't come to a final decision yet. We want to wait until our wedding night which is part of the reason why I don't want to move in together until after we're married. 

kalizoomba

We don't live together yet, but FI might move in at the end of August. We're getting married on Oct 8th. So it'll only be a month, but I know it will be hard to wait until marriage. We have a LDR right now, and almsot every time we see each other (maybe once every 2 weeks) things get farther than we would like. We've waited this long, but if we live together, i'm afraid it will be super hard -- especially if we share the same bed. I'm thinking we'll alternate sleeping on the couch or something. 

GJones27

Before we married, we did not live together on principle.  But if we were forced to for some reason, I think we could have abstained (though I certainly would have made him sleep in a different bed).

Bett2012

We don't.  I will even be crashing on a friend's couch for two weeks prior to the wedding (we are students, and will be in school for the first two weeks of the term before the wedding) so as to avoid that. I don't think we'd be able to avoid the temptation, but even if we could, I wouldn't live with FI before the wedding.  I agree that I can't think of anything unbiblical about it if you don't have sex, but at the same time I want to make sure that I'm sending the right message to my non-Christian friends.  Even if we would abstain, they would assume we weren't unless we explicitly told them, which is just awkward.

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:c189b00a-d296-4354-81ab-459e7cd358c3">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that I can't think of anything unbiblical about it if you don't have sex, but at the same time I want to make sure that I'm sending the right message to my non-Christian friends.  Even if we would abstain, they would assume we weren't unless we explicitly told them, which is just awkward.
Posted by Bett2012[/QUOTE]
There isn't a verse that says, "Don't live together before you're married,"  but that wasn't even an issue when God was breathing the Scriptures into the authors.  People didn't leave their parents' homes until after they made a marriage covenant.  You're right, we as Christians should not be sending mixed messages to younger believers or unsaved friends.

Ephesians 5:3- But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

1 Corinthians 6:9-16- Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.  "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.  "Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food"—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.  And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by His power.  Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never!  Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, "The two will become one flesh."

1 Thessalonians 5:22- Abstain from all appearance of evil.

1 Timothy 4:12- Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Romans 14:1- So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats

Romans 6:1-2 11-18, - What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?....In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.  Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.  Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.  For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.  What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means!  Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?  But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance.  You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Hebrews 13:4- Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Mark 10:6-8- <font class="woj">But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.'</font><font class="woj">Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,<sup class="footnote"> </sup></font><font class="woj">and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh.</font>

1 Corinthians 8:13- Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.

faith415

FI and I haven't for multiple reasons. Since we've been in a LDR most of our relationship there's no way we even could live together. Even if we did live near each other our parents would kill us. It would also be hard to be an example to others if we were living together. I was a youth leader and an officer of a christian sorority during undergrad, and it just looks really bad. FI has stayed at my apartment when he comes to visit, but considering I live with 3 other christian girls I don't think it's as big of an issue.

iamjoesgurl

We did not even live in the same state before we married.  I wouldn't have wanted to live together because I don't think I would have done well with the temptation.

Now that we are married, we live together.    I don't think that living together would have helped us any.  It was a very easy adjustment to both of us.

GJones27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:d42e4296-a330-4923-858c-a7211c434520">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Co-habiting : There isn't a verse that says, "Don't live together before you're married,"  but that wasn't even an issue when God was breathing the Scriptures into the authors.[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My impression is that there are also unspoken places in the Bible that hint that it's not allowed.  There is the woman by the well that Jesus talks to, and he says something to the effect of, "The man you're living with is not your husband" in sort of a rebuking but still loving way.  

</div>

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:22e287a2-6583-40ac-b1ba-e00800617716">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Co-habiting : My impression is that there are also unspoken places in the Bible that hint that it's not allowed.  There is the woman by the well that Jesus talks to, and he says something to the effect of, "The man you're living with is not your husband" in sort of a rebuking but still loving way.  
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
Yep... <font color="#0000FF"><u><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+4&version=ESV" title="John 4">John 4</a></u></font>

amongthelilies25

i lived with FI's family for about 3 months while we were in transition (my roommates all moved out for summer and i couldnt afford my apartment alone and my FI was about to go to school). His family made it clear to us and to everyone that i was living with his parents and NOT him. I slept in his sister's room and there were rules. (like when mom goes to sleep one of us had to go to our rooms and we werent aloud in eachothers rooms for ANY reason). We even signed a contract too! it worked for us for that time... but when we got engaged and FI was coming home for school (he did long distance while he was in school for 9 months and i lived with his family) we decided not to live together and i moved in with a friend. 

We want to be an example and not live together before married. With us being engaged we just thought it was appropriate to not live under the same roof before we are married.

midgetthemighty

We aren't going to, even though it would financially make sense for us because we're both paying for the apartment he is living in while I'm at home with my parents. That being said, it would not be the message we want to send to our family, church family, friends, etc.

I also don't think we could abstain until we were married if we lived together.

I visit, have dinner with him from time to time, and spend some (few and far between) "lazy days" watching movies, playing games, etc. at the apartment.

I really cannot wait to move in with him though. Most of the time, I am sick of living at home. My parents even got upset when I started moving things like books and DVDs to the apartment that I do not see the need to keep at our house. They're mine, and I have no problem with them being at the apartment. It's less we'll have to move next year.

What are everyone's thoughts on spending the night every once in a while? I think it's a nice compromise between not living together yet still being able to experience morning/evening routines of the other person. Sometimes, it just makes sense to me also. Like we plan on taking a day trip somewhere that would require me getting up early enough to be at his apartment and ready to leave by 7:30am. I am honestly curious as to if you guys think spending the night in that situation would be okay.

Thanks for the Biblical references Emily, they were a lovely insight.

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:d41d6335-1358-4f72-bf9a-1d5504cbc8ce">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]What are everyone's thoughts on spending the night every once in a while?
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't unless someone else was there who shared or understood your convictions...one of his friends, your friends, or a married couple.  "Once in a while" for my 21 year old brother just turned into him and his girlfriend (now fiance) expecting a baby in February and getting married in 8 weeks.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:ce1f0d33-e247-4345-bec9-0c5aaa4886a1">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Co-habiting : I wouldn't unless someone else was there who shared or understood your convictions...one of his friends, your friends, or a married couple.  "Once in a while" for my 21 year old brother just turned into him and his girlfriend (now fiance) expecting a baby in February and getting married in 8 weeks.
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

We tried that once when my brother, FI, and I were going to be taking a trip one weekend. All of us would be there and my parents refused to let us stay at his apartment, even though it was closer to our destination. We stayed the night at my cousin's place that weekend who is the same age as me. They were fine with that. Does that seem contradictory? He has a roomate who was out of town that weekend, so it was just, cousin, brother, FI and I.

amongthelilies25

i wouldn't personally stay the night with my FI. But that is my own personal convictions. I really want that first time i sleep in a bed with him to be our wedding night.
AND i just wouldnt trust myself honestly. Sorry if it is TMI but God gave me a sex drive and i'd rather not put myself in situations that i would fall. i know other people ar stronger then me and might be able to abstain and still sleep... but i dont trust myself. lol

Plus i just like the idea of the first time of us sleeping in the bed together and waking up together would be our wedding night. but that has always been my heart. (:

sessionswedding

FI and I both live with our parents right now, but we get our first apartment on August 7.  We don't want to leave the apartment empty for 3.5 months before the wedding on November 19, so one of us has to live there.

The best choice seemed to be me, since I will be paying the bulk of the bills and my one-year-old queen bedroom suite is the one that will become our bedroom suite.  However, we live in like the 5th most dangerous city in America according to a recent article (I forget which pulication it was) and there have been a rash of home invasions and rapes lately.  So being a single, small, non-gun-owning female living alone does not make sense.  And my mom is dead set against it.

Then we considered having FI live there.  But if FI moves in to the apartment and I stay at home with my parents, someone ends up sleeping in the floor for 3 and a half months.  If I send the bedroom suite over to the apartment with FI, I sleep on the floor at my parents' house.  If I hang on to the bedroom suite at my parents' house until I move in, FI sleeps on the floor at the apartment.  And since my bedroom suite will take a small army of men to move, and there are only like two weekends between now and Christmas that the small army will all be available, we either have to move it LITERALLY the day we get the keys or wait until the end of October.

For a while we even considered taking turns living there, but we just couldn't work out the logistics of that.  All I could think about was being 30 minutes late for work because I set my alarm for the wrong wake-up time (different distances to work between parents' and apartment).  Or what if I wake up at the apartment and realize that all my work shoes are at my parents' house, and I have to go to work in dress clothes and tennis shoes?  Not only that, the gas money I would have to spend driving back and forth from house to apartment would break my bank fast.  And since FI often watches his niece and nephew after school (and his family doesn't communicate well), what if the kids got dropped of at his parents' house while he was at the apartment and they wound up all alone?

All that to say this:  FI and I will be moving in together.  It's the safest, most logical, most efficient way to handle things.

aggiebug

What are everyone's thoughts on spending the night every once in a while?

We did. That started early on in our relationship too, we both knew we would abstain until marriage from the very begining so I was never worried about the pressure, but that doesn't mean temptation never knocked.  We weren't perfect, but we did wait and I am very glad we did.

Sleeping over is a hard one.  It still leads to temptation, just as much as living together.  We wouldn't have spent the night nearly as much as we did if our sitations were different. . 

letyourselfgo

So, I asked this question because FI and I are considering it....for financial reasons.
Thanks for the feedback ladies!

joie424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:d135bcc4-0144-4202-a818-1cd62cd7edb6">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]What are everyone's thoughts on spending the night every once in a while? We did. That started early on in our relationship too, we both knew we would abstain until marriage from the very begining so I was never worried about the pressure, but that doesn't mean temptation never knocked.  We weren't perfect, but we did wait and I am very glad we did. Sleeping over is a hard one.  It still leads to temptation, just as much as living together.  We wouldn't have spent the night nearly as much as we did if our sitations were different. . 
Posted by aggiebug[/QUOTE]

DH came over a lot and stayed at my apartment and slept on the couch. I would go to his house and spend nights in the guest room. We did go on vacation together once during our engagement. We had no problems spending the night with each other occasionally, and we abstained until marriage.

yodacub

FI and I are about an hour and 15 minutes apart, we spend our weekends together.  He lives with his parents, so I stay in his brother's room (who is away at college) there, and I live on my own, so he sleeps on my couch when we're here.  It's worked out for us, we are both dedicated to being abstinant until marriage.