What would you suggest?

Bride127

I'm a long-time poster to this board, but I have changed my screen name in the interest of privacy to ask you girls a question. 

A close guy friend of mine from church wants to propose to his long-time girlfriend.  However, this girl isn't baptized.  This girl has been coming to church to get to know our faith better, but she's on the fence.  My friend asked me whether he should propose to her now or wait until she has made a decision before proposing.  I don't know enough details about their situation, as we're communicating via email (it's hard for him to avoid suspicion from his girlfriend.)  But I can say this guy really loves and cares for her.   

As Christians, what would you suggest I tell him?  Debate away!

jrpetrik

Is this one of those situations in which the girl in question is not a believer at all? Or is this a situation in which the girl is a member of another church, is, perhaps, a professing believer but has been baptised as an infant and grew up in a paedobaptist church? Or some variant of these two?

The language of your post intrigues me, is all. I'd almost wager we're talking about Mormonism here. I could be way off base, but that's what your language suggests. Though I can think of subsets of Christianity that would potentially use similar language.

iamjoesgurl

I don't believe that baptism is the end all, be all of a sign of her spiritual state.  It is more a sign her readiness to express her commitment in an outward manner.  Her first step would be to become committed to Christ and accept his forgiveness.  It doesn't sound like she has made that first step.

In the Bible, Paul speaks about the importance of being equally yoked.  2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" 

If he is asking for your opinion on whether or not he should propose, I would point out this scripture.  It is a dangerous line to cross for a believer in Christ (and his redemption) to be seriously involved with a non-believer.  If she is a seeker, it is great that he is able to be a positive influence in her life.  But I would think that he would want to know that she made a commitment on her own and not because of him.    My answer is solely based on the scripture.  I think if I was his friend, I would encourage him to speak with his pastor or elder about this.  In the meantime, you can pray for God's leading in the situation.

Jeffie86

I agree with iamjoesgurl about what Scripture says about the situation.  To me, it would cause a lot of disagreement in our relationship if my husband didn't share my faith.

It may be different for your friend.  I agree that talking with a church leader might help him make his decision.

Of course, if he's unsure, waiting until he is sure seems like it might be the best option.  Because you shouldn't become engaged to a person until/unless you feel ready to be married.

kkidd28

I agree with Iamjoesgurl - I am all for love, but I think it will cause problems down the line if they are unequally yoked.  So many questions will arise.  I have been wondering how Chelsea Clinton & her new husband are going to do it!  My suggestion would be for him to talk to her to see exactly where she stands.  She should be sincere in her beliefs - don't "convert" just for a ring, she should really believe and then they can talk about their next steps as a couple.  In short - waiting until they'r on the same page seems to be the best option.

Bride127

Yeah, I agree with many of the sentiments you share.  I know for me personally, it's crucial for my husband to be on the same religious grounds as me.  I could never get married to someone who didn't share my religious beliefs. 

In the interest of privacy, I can't say what our faith tradition is.  But in order to get married in this particular church, one has to be baptized. 

My friend does have a strong faith, but I don't think he's totally committed to his faith.  For example, he and his girlfriend live together.  I do think she had a bad influence on his faith when they first started dating, as he stopped coming to church.  But they are now coming to church again.

I'd like to see them happy together.  But I don't think she should feel forced when it comes to picking a religion.  It has to be for the right reason.  I'm thinking of just laying out the pros and cons for him and letting him make a decision.  But right now, there are way more cons than pros.

Thanks for your ideas!

iamjoesgurl

I would like to offer one clarification.  I understand that the requirement is her baptism, but what I wanted to convey was that the Bible explains that a believer should not be yoked with an unbeliever.  It sounds like he can propose now, but I think that he should really make sure that they share a common belief or take the chance that they will break their engagement (or suffer through a divorce) one day.  It is very difficult to maintain a marriage relationship without sharing a common faith which is why Paul said what he did to the Corinthians.

heyimbren

While baptism isn't what makes one a Christian, the NT does show it to be the next step of a believer after accepting Christ. It's an outward proclamation of one's faith. So in that way, baptism is supposed to be an announcement to everyone that you are a born-again Christian.

If my SO wasn't baptized, that wouldn't necessarily stop me from marrying them because I don't believe baptism is a requirement of salvation- but as a Christian I believe I am also called to be in obedience with God's laws and that includes baptism.

You mentioned that your friend is not exactly commited to his faith. To me, that brings up the question of whether or not it really matters to him if his GF is baptized or not. I don't think you can pick and choose which rules you follow and which you don't. Although, I do understand that churches do have certain rules they require others to follow, particularly if they're getting married.

Basically: to me, it would matter if my SO was baptized or not. If they weren't baptized, I'd really want to know why. And then depending on that, I would come to a conclusion as to whether or not marriage is right for us.

nationalvixen

I don't think the issue is her being baptised but whether or not she shares his faith, as others said.

My Fi and I are part of the same church, it's where we met. He was raised a Christian with missionary parents and the whole bit. I found my own way to Christianity 2 years ago, but did not settle into a church until January of this year. I am still not baptised! But we are equally active in the church and share the same love for our God.

If he chose not to propose on the grounds of my not being baptised yet I would be pissed!

SuMmErKuTiE

My DH isn't baptized, but he's a new believer and came to know the Lord through me and my family. He grew up Catholic, so he was baptized as a baby, but now that he's born-again he hasn't taken the step to get baptized yet. This is not something I believe you push someone or ask them to do, they need to decide for themselves and do it on their own time. I didn't get baptized until my senior year of high school, but then I strayed away from the Lord for several years throughout college and beyond. Meeting my DH and leading him to the Lord has brought me back and we are growing together and want to raise our family the same way.

To answer OP's question, I don't think your friend should wait proposing just because his girlfriend isn't baptized yet, that could take years for her to make that decision for herself. Is she born-again? It sounds like she and your friend are working together to establish their relationship with God and to grow spiritually together and I don't see why he shouldn't propose. If he loves her and they are both believers then he should go for it.

KikoLoveAndi

Hmm-  it is intreging. I would say if the protocal is to wait till she has been baptized maybe waiting is ok.   OR a long engagment.  What would the protocals say about him giving her a promise ring?  (kinda a engagment thing but techinally pre engagement.)

He can give her a promise ring symbolizing he wants to marry her and will ask her when they are both ready.

aricherry

I will say that I am a member of the Church of Christ and in our church both people must be baptized to get married.  We teach that Baptisim is the way to Christ.  With that being said, I understand his problem.  My husband was Muslim when I met him and although he had been introduced to Christianity, he had not been introduced to The Church of Christ.  I could not marry him without his being converted.  He could still propose but he should not rush a wedding until she decided for her own reasons that she wants to be converted.  It should not have to do with the proposal.  And the hard part is that he will have to gage if she is being baptized in order to marry him or because she really is a believer.